


Dear Isabelle

by mandaestella



Category: Alexbelle
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, aka they are filming thg, but i live in terror that i will lose everything off my computer, so here goes nothing, there's apparently no alexbelle on ao3 yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-15
Updated: 2014-01-15
Packaged: 2018-01-15 21:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 103,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1320532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandaestella/pseuds/mandaestella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Isabelle has landed the part of her dreams, and she is surrounded by people she never could have imagined working with, including Alexander Ludwig, the cocky blonde actor, four years older than her and too cool to even learn her name, or so she thought. It's a relationship that was doomed to fail from the start, something Isabelle quickly figures out as the movie wraps and the entire cast heads back to LA.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Me and My Jealousy

**Author's Note:**

> Hannah (swiftribute on tumblr) was basically my beta for this entire fic and she did a phenom job.
> 
> This is all fiction and I have no affiliation whatsoever with any of these people blah blah blah
> 
> Title from Dear Isabelle by LeeDwyze

_They tell me I should just move on_

_It’s easier said than done_

_The only thing left keeping me company is me and my jealousy_

It was those eyes of his. Blue. Not dark, not bright, but light. Clear. Icy. As if they could see right through me, piercing through the layers and right to the core of who I really am. Right down to my deepest desires, my hopes and dreams, everything I’ve ever wanted. Which is unfortunate, because as he stands here, looking at me, I’m sure he can tell that what I want most is him.

Of course he’s not available. He’s huge and beautiful and perfect. And I’m just… me. I’m not anything special. Hazel eyes, brown hair. Short. Quiet. My most outstanding feature is my freckles, and that’s just because there are too many of them to be overlooked. It’s not like I’m unfortunate looking. In fact, if I’m having a good hair day, then I feel pretty good about myself. But I’m most assuredly not the type of girl who Alexander Ludwig dates.

They’re all tall. Leggy. Sophisticated. Older. They form a very exclusive club, and it’s clearly not one I will be granted access to. In fact, the only thing that I have going for me is the fact that Alex is almost forced to be around me, because we work together. We’re the District 2 tributes, Cato and Clove, brutal and bloody, the girl who never misses. We’re district partners, unified in our desire to kill the girl on fire and the boy with the bread. But that’s all fictional. My biggest advantage over the Ludwig fan club is a 374-page book by Suzanne Collins. But I’ll take what I can get.

The problem with that advantage is that Leven Rambin has it too, all that and more. She’s tall. She’s blonde. She’s leggy. She’s funny and outgoing and sweet. And according to Gary Ross, she is Alex’s love interest. And because Alex is Alex and Leven is Leven, they ended up together off-screen too.

It’s fine.

I’m fine.

The truth is Alex caught my eye right away. The first day I met him, he stood out among all the other names and faces, amidst all the beautiful girls and handsome guys and famous actors and actresses. Leven. Lenny. Ian. Willow. Liam. Jen. Josh. Amandla. Jack. Jackie. Tara. Stanley. Elizabeth. Wes. Woody. Donald. Dayo. There were so many of them, and Alex with his spiky hair and huge shoulders and those eyes stuck in my mind. So when he finally came up to me and introduced himself as my district partner, I was already too far gone to realize that there was no way he would ever go for me. The phrase out of my league didn’t even begin to cover it. 

"Oh, fuck it," Jackie tells me whenever she catches me watching Alex and Leven, that wistful look in my eyes. But that’s easy for her to say. Everyone notices Jackie, first for her flaming red hair and second for her incredibly loud mouth and tendency to say whatever pops into her brain without thinking about it first. But even so, everyone loves her, and she ends up charming everyone she meets in five seconds flat. Needless to say, it’s not that easy for me.

"Belle," Alex snaps his fingers in my face, and I’m pulled back into his eyes. "I asked you where you wanna go eat."

"Oh, sorry." I shake my hair back. "I don’t care, whatever you-"

"BABY!"

The goddess herself interrupts me. Leven. She darts up out of nowhere, long blonde hair loose behind her and catching the light like my hair never could. She has on cut-off shorts and a bright pink tank top and motorcycle boots and she looks perfect. My heart drops immediately, and I know what’s coming.

"Babe, I thought we were going to dinner." She rests a perfectly tanned hand on his arm, glancing at me. "Hey Is." I open my mouth to say hey back, but she’s already off and running. “Look at you, you’re not even ready.”

"Well, Belle and I were going to go eat actually, so I was thinking that maybe…" He trails off after seeing her raised eyebrow. "Okay then. Belle, do you mind if I take a rain check?"

I shake my head. “No, don’t worry about it.” I turn to go, but before I’ve taken three steps, someone grabs my arm. I whip around, expecting Alex, so I’m surprised and slightly disappointed when I realize it’s just Leven.

"Hey Is, I’m sorry. I know I’m being a bitch right now." She pouts a little, sticking out her bottom lip. "Forgive me?" 

"Yeah. Of course." I smile. It’s hard to be annoyed with Leven. Just one more thing to add to the list of reasons why I’ll never end up with Alex while she’s still around. She might be moody and a little controlling, but she makes up for it with her apologetic eyes and angelic I’m sorry face. It’s only June, just a few weeks into filming, and she has already fought with (and made up with) Alex about four times. Because all she has to do is bat those mile-long eyelashes and puff out her bottom lip, maybe toss her hair a few times, and Alex forgets why he was ever frustrated.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Leven. And under any other circumstances, I wouldn’t get annoyed with her. It’s just seeing her with Alex that really gets under my skin.

"Thank you, sweets." She leans down and plants a kiss on my cheek, leaving behind a sticky, strawberry-scented lip print, and darts back over to Alex. I roll my eyes.

I wonder what they have planned. Romantic candlelit dinner? Probably, if Leven gets her way. Maybe they’ll sit next to each other in a dark restaurant, hands intertwined, and he’ll whisper in her ear all those things that I wish he would say to me. No, Isabelle. You don’t get to think that. You have no claim over this guy whatsoever, no more than any other girl. Just get over it and let it go. I shake my head, trying to clear the thoughts from my mind. And that’s when the whirlwind hits.

"BABY!" It’s the same shout that interrupted me before, but instead of dropping to my Converses, my heart jumps. I am almost knocked over by a mess of red waves and dark curls. It’s Jamandla, the tricky two, the dastardly duo, the catastrophic couple. Jackie Emerson and Amandla Stenberg. My two best friends and closest confidantes on this set. They’re exactly what I need right now to pull me out of my Alexander-induced funk.

"Hey guys." My face splits into a huge grin. "What sort of ruckus are you causing tonight?"

Their eyes grow wide, and Amandla squeaks out a giggle. “Why, my dear Isabelle!” Jackie smirks, her eyes flashing. “We never cause any ruckus. In fact, we were thinking of just staying in, having a quiet night, just us and the Mean Girls…” Jackie can’t keep it together, even for a few sentences, and she trails off, laughing. “Okay, come on.” She grabs my left wrist and starts dragging me down the hallway, Amandla scampering behind us. We reach Jackie’s room and she lets us in, throwing the keycard on the table as the door slams shut behind us. My eyes widen as I take in the sight.

"You guys have been busy!" Covering the bed, the tabletop, and the armchairs are water balloons, tons of them, red and blue and yellow and green, all filled with water and neatly tied. "My God."

Jackie grins and swings open the bathroom door, revealing a tub full of even more balloons. “We have to get Dayo and Jack. We’ve spent hours filling these damn things. I know it’s not a very original prank, but it’s a classic for a reason.”

"Okay, so what’s the plan?" I pick up a bright yellow balloon, turning it over in my hands.

"We need to get the boys outside," Amandla pipes up.

"How?"

"We’re not entirely sure." Jackie shakes her head, red hair flying. "That’s where you come in."

A half hour later, I am slipping out the door of Jackie’s room and running down the hallway to Jack’s room, where Amandla is sure he and Dayo are hanging out. I creep down the hallway until I am standing outside their door, and the second I start banging on it, it swings open, revealing Dayo and Jack on the other side.

"Izzy-bella!" Jack screeches in typical Jack fashion. Dayo picks me up and swings me around. I scream, pounding on his back. He’s so tall I feel like I’m at the top of a damn roller coaster.

"You guys!" I squeal as my feet are reunited with the ground. I take a deep breath, and my words come out in a rush. "I was out in the back of the hotel earlier running around with Kalia and I think I dropped my phone and I’m freaking out because I can’t find it anywhere and I’m worried my mom is gonna call and I need to find it before she realizes I lost it and…" I trail off and my bottom lip trembles. I’m an actress for good reason.

Dayo and Jack glance at each other and pat me on the shoulder. “It’s okay, Izzy. We’ll help you find it.” I almost feel bad as they run back into Jack’s room to put their shoes on, but then I remember the time they broke into my room at five in the morning and put ice cubes down the back of my shirt. Nope, they definitely deserve what they have coming. I run back down the hall to Jackie’s room and bang on the door three times, the signal we agreed on. By the time the boys emerge from Jack’s room, I am jumping up and down excitedly in the hallway, waiting for them. Jack slings his arm around my shoulder, pulling my face into his shirt.

"So Izzy-bella," he says to me, dragging me down the hallway. Dayo dancing along beside us. "How are you doing this fine night?"

"I’m good," I answer, smiling up at him.

"Well, good. Because you know we’re worried about you."

"You’re worried?" My blood runs cold for a second. As far as I know, Jack and Dayo and Ian and Josh and Liam and all the rest of the guys on set don’t know anything about my crush on Alex. In fact, the only people who do know anything are Jackie and Amandla, because they got it out of me during a late night cookies and romcom party. They knew me too well and realized that I wasn’t acting like myself. So I’m kind of worried that Jack and Dayo have caught on as well. “Why are you worried?”

"Because, Izzykins." Dayo pushes the front door of the hotel open for me. "You just sit in your room all the time, reading books. You never come hang out with us anymore."

I snort, relieved. “I come out with you all the time.” I lead us around the back of the hotel. It’s dark out and the hotel grounds are lit up with little fairy lights and paper lanterns. It’s gorgeous. The outdoor pool glows bright blue and there are little lights strung up through all the bushes and trees. It’s a nice night out, but there isn’t anyone out here, probably because this hotel is mostly Hunger Games cast and crew, and everyone is either out to dinner or working. I start pretending to look down at the ground, searching around the cast iron tables and chairs. As soon as I see Jackie and Amandla emerge from Jackie’s hotel room onto the balcony, creeping up to the edge, staying in the shadows so the boys don’t spot them, I get ready to sneak off. I glance surreptitiously behind me to see Jack on his knees under a table and Dayo with his head in a honeysuckle bush. I look back up at the girls and see Jackie sticking her head through the bars, water balloon in each hand.

I skip over directly underneath the balcony and crouch down on the ground. “Hey guys! Come here quick!” I wait until they run over to me and take off for dry ground. As soon as I am out of range, I can hear Dayo and Jack’s girlish screams as the first water balloon hits.

"JACQUELINE!" Jack roars, looking up at the girls, who are laughing hysterically. "AMANDLA!" Another water balloon drops on his head and he backs up.

"ISABELLE FUHRMAN!" Dayo sees me trying to escape to the front of the hotel. He takes off in my direction and I squeal. He catches up to me easily and grabs me around the waist. I begin screaming for Jackie and Amandla, but I quickly realize that they have their own problems. Jack has disappeared into the hotel, and I know he is sprinting up to the balcony.

"Jackie!" I scream up to her. "Amandla! Watch out, he’s-" Dayo slaps a hand over my mouth, swinging me over his shoulder.

Jackie and Amandla whirl around, but it’s too late. Jack is standing on the balcony, a devilish grin on his face. “Dayo, get up here!” he yells down, and Dayo immediately drops me, sprinting into the hotel. I start to run after him, but change my mind, hiding behind a dogwood tree. I see Jack scoop up a squealing Jackie, and Dayo follows, carrying a screaming Amandla. In about 30 seconds flat, they are down on the pool deck. My best friends are screeching, trying to get free, but Jack and Dayo are… well, they’re Jack and Dayo, and they are not giving up that easily. They glance at each other and in perfect synchronization, as if it was planned, throw Jackie and Amandla, still screaming, into the pool.

People begin trickling around to the back of the hotel, as if drawn by the screams of the now-drenched Jamandla. Ian and Tara appear on the pool deck, along with Ethan, Willow, and Kalia. In fact, the only tributes missing now are Jen and Josh, who are at work, and Alex and Leven. Before I know what’s happening, everyone is in the water. Tara and Kalia team up to take down Dayo, and Jackie and Amandla drag Jack into the water by his ankles. Before long, I am the only one still on dry land. And then, even that changes. I am just standing by the pool, laughing at everyone splashing around in the water, when I am suddenly lifted off my feet, trapped in a set of muscular arms, and sailing into the water. We land with a splash and I fight my way to the surface, gasping for breath, shaking water out of my eyes. I look around, wet strands of hair sticking to my cheeks, trying to figure out who attacked me. He pops up next to me, shit-eating grin spread across his face, blonde spikes of hair glistening with water, charcoal gray V-neck shirt clinging to his massive shoulders. Alex.

"Hey!" I squeak. "I thought you were going to dinner with Lev." I can feel my heart beating faster just at the sight of him.

He rolls his eyes. “Yeah. I tried. Apparently, my choice of clothing was not acceptable. We didn’t even make it out the door.”

"Oh." I don’t know what to say, and I find myself mumbling, "Well, you look good to me."

He grins at me. “Thanks, Belle.” He reaches out and brushes his hand against my cheek, dislodging the strands of hair stuck there. I feel a jolt in my stomach, and I am stuck in his eyes again, almost like I can’t look away. I want to tell him to stop, to back up, to go find Leven and kiss and make up. Because as much as I hate the fact that they’re together, as much as I secretly wish it was me with him instead, it doesn’t feel like it could actually be real. And with him floating here in the water in front of me, six inches away, eyes locked with mine, all tall and gorgeous and perfect, his girlfriend close by, probably inside the hotel somewhere… it doesn’t feel right. This isn’t how it should be. Thankfully, at that moment, Jackie comes to my rescue, my very own red-haired knight in shining armor.

"Izzy!" She throws her arms around my neck from behind, dragging me backwards slightly. 

"Did you start all this, Red?" Alex grins at her. "It has Foxface written all over it."

Jackie smirks. “Well technically, I guess you could say that. But we’re all in the pool because of your boys over there.” She jerks her head in Jack and Dayo’s direction, where they are playing chicken with Tara and Kalia.

Alex swims over to them and Jackie thumps me in the back. “I saw that look, Is.”

"What look?" I widen my eyes innocently.

She glares at me playfully. “You know what look, dear Isabelle.” I roll my eyes and sigh. I swim over to the side of the pool and pull myself up, dripping, to sit on the edge of the pool. I pull my tank top away from my stomach, squeezing out some of the water. Jackie rests her head on my knees, staring up at me. “Is, what’s wrong?”

"Nothing’s wrong." I comb through her wet hair with my fingers. "It’s just… you know. The usual." I shrug.

The truth is seeing Alex and Leven together or hearing about their relationship stresses me out more than I try to let on. I don’t know if it’s because we’re all together all the time or if it’s because I honestly don’t think I even have a chance or if it’s because Alex is the first guy I’ve ever really felt anything for. Ever. But when I have to sit there and watch him and Leven gets all dressed up and go out to eat and hug and kiss and be all couple-y… it hurts. Everyone keeps talking about how this will be one of the best experiences of my life, and I know that they’re right. I know that I’ll never have anything like this again. And I don’t know why I’m letting some random guy and his girlfriend ruin it for me.

Except Alex isn’t just some random guy. He’s different. He’s so much more than that. He has quickly become one of my best friends, someone I really feel like I can talk to, like a big brother, always there to protect me. But if he’s my big brother, then why do I have feelings for him like this? I don’t know if it’s just some big first love kind of thing, but sometimes it scares me. The way I feel for him freaks me out. I’m only fourteen. I shouldn’t be this entranced by a nineteen-year-old. He’s in college. He likes to party. He drinks. He smokes. He dates whomever he wants. He does whatever he wants, because he can. Because he’s an adult. So why would he ever even notice me? Little old Isabelle. If it weren’t this movie, he wouldn’t even know I was alive. So why am I hung up on him? It’s hard to say. But I do know that if I don’t get over this funk, my summer will be effectively ruined.

Jackie pats my knee reassuringly, and (as if she could read my mind) says, “Don’t worry, baby. Everything’s gonna be just fine.” She pulls herself up out of the pool and puts her arm around me, resting her head on my shoulder. I rest my head on top of hers, grateful for my best friend.

I close my eyes, taking in the sounds of my best friends screeching at each other to stop the splashing and put me down! Alex, don’t you dare throw me! It’s a beautiful North Carolinian night, I’m out here with my best friends, I have a great job, doing something I really love, and I’m finally starting to become convinced that the rest of the summer is going to be better than ever. It’s all mental, Isabelle, I tell myself. You have to be strong. Don’t give a fuck about him or Leven or anything. You’ve got your girls! You’re good.

I still have my eyes closed when Dayo pops up in front of us, sending a huge wave of water splashing over us. Jackie and I burst into screams and then laughter at the same time, jumping on Dayo’s back. He dunks us both under the water, and when I come back up, breaking the surface, I see them.

Leven is standing next to the pool, hair tied up in the kind of perfectly messy bun that I try to copy so many times but never succeed in creating. She has her motorcycle boots in one hand, fringed bag in the other, and as I watch, she leans down to talk to Alex, who is floating in front of her, looking sheepish. He rests his elbows on the tiles next to her feet, stroking her calf with his hand. She kicks at him lightly, and I can see a smile spreading across her face. She sits down, dangling her legs in the water, and Alex wraps his arms around her waist. He kisses her softly, nuzzling her neck with his nose. Looks like they’re over their fight, I think bitterly, before realizing that I’m not supposed to care anymore. I roll my eyes, toss my hair, and turn back to Dayo, helping Jackie push him under the water.

"Alex!" he yells. "Get over here and help me!"

I don’t wait around long enough to see whether or not Alex answers his call. Instead, I kick Jackie underneath the water, accidentally getting Dayo in the hip a couple times in the process, until she catches my eye. “Okay, we’re out!” she screams, doggy paddling towards the side of the pool. I follow, and soon enough we’re running into the hotel, leaving a trail of watery footprints behind us.

We make our way into Jackie’s room, and I immediately flop down on her bed, wet clothes and all. She starts screaming at me right away to get up, because she has to sleep in that bed and I’m turning it into my own personal ocean. I smirk up at her as she starts hitting me with a pillow, but I don’t move and eventually she gives up, flopping down next to me.

"Okay, Is. Talk to me."

I look over at her, and for a few seconds, I consider playing dumb, but I know it won’t do me any good. I let out a big sigh and sit up, cross-legged. Jackie follows my lead until we are facing each other. “It’s stupid.”

"No, it’s not. Talk to me."

I take a deep breath. “It just sucks. Like I want to just let it go, and I want to try and just get over it, but…” I trail off, considering.

"You’re jealous," Jackie finishes.

"Well… yeah."

"So what should we do?" She grabs a brush and motions for me to turn around so that my back is facing her. She starts brushing through my hair, carefully untangling the wet strands. "We need a plan."

"Okay…" I grab the remote and turn on the television. "Because I don’t want to stop being friends with him. He hasn’t fucked me over at all. And it’s not like he knows I like him.”

"Isabelle." I can’t see Jackie’s face, but I know she’s giving me a look, raised eyebrow and all. "You really think he doesn’t know?"

"You think he does?”

"Well, maybe not really. He’s a guy, so he is pretty stupid. But he’s not going to be stupid forever."

"That’s fine. As long as he doesn’t know for now. I’ll figure the rest out when it comes down to that. If it comes down to that.”

Our conversation is interrupted by some loud bangs on the door. “Let us in!”

Jackie gets up from the bed and opens the door, and in pops Jen, Amandla, Willow, Tara, Kalia, and Leven. They all jump on the bed, and Jackie’s room is immediately transformed into a mess of screaming, giggling, teeth-chattering girls. “GIRLS NIGHT!” Jen screams. Except not really because we have to get up early. But we figured we would come see what you two are up to.”

Leven sits down behind me, taking Jackie’s spot. She starts braiding my hair in some intricate French braid that I’ll definitely never be able to replicate. “Are you okay?” she asks me, so quietly that none of the other girls are able to hear us over the TV and their screams.

I nod, forgetting that she’s in the process of doing my hair, and she quickly steadies my head with her palm. I turn and look at her. “I’m good.” She smiles at me, pushing me back around. “Are you?”

"Yeah, baby. I’m good." She pulls the hair tie off my wrist, snapping it around the end of my braid. "Xander pissed me off earlier, but it’s okay now." Ugh. There’s no way Leven knows how I feel about Alex. She isn’t mean enough to sit here and talk about him like this. She’s just oblivious, and I can’t really blame her for that. So I try to let it go.

And as I sit there with my girlfriends, eating cookies and watching television and braiding each other’s hair and talking about boys, I can feel the ache in my chest start to lighten up a little. And maybe moving on is easier said than done, but at least I’m making an effort. And that has to count for something in the long run.


	2. Heart Attack

_Never put my love out on the line_

_Never said yes to the right guy_

_Never had trouble getting what I want_

_But when it comes to you, I’m never good enough_

Alex and Leven’s pre-dinner fight lasted about twenty minutes tops. Literally. Apparently she wanted to go eat somewhere nice and fancy and “special” (Leven’s words), and Alex was “not cooperating” (also Leven’s words). “I mean, you saw how he was dressed, Is,” she said to me as we all sat in a circle on Jackie’s bed, throwing Tootsie Rolls at each other. I nod, shoving candy in my mouth. She turns her attention back to the rest of the girls, continuing her story. “I told him I wanted to go to Strada, and he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and that fucking plaid shirt that he never takes off. So I told him to go change and he threw an attitude of course, and I was just pissed.”

"Well, you guys made up, right?" Tara bounces a Tootsie Roll off Jen’s face. "At least it looked like it."

Leven smirks, tossing her hair behind her shoulder. “Of course. He can’t stay mad at me.” Unfortunately, I know this to be true. Alex literally cannot stay mad at Leven. And she can’t stay mad at him either. And they fight about the stupidest stuff. Like Alex wearing the wrong shirt or Leven having to go back to the hotel three different times because she forgot her lip gloss and her phone and her Kindle. They’re cute together because they’re both so tall and blonde, but they irritate each other. And that’s not just me being bitter; it’s really true. And I’m not the only one who notices it. Riding to set in a van with the two of them is almost torturous, since they’re usually fighting. But we love them anyways. Right?

As the girls continue gossiping about Leven and Alex’s fascinating love life, I hear my phone vibrate in my bag next to Jackie’s bed. I look around quickly, and lean over to grab it, concealing it in my hand so that no one sees it and tries to snatch it away from me. As Leven is describing the night Alex took her out to oneFIFTYone, I am only half listening because I have a text from the man in question himself. Alex.

Alex: is. i’m sry bout earlier. tomorrow nite?

I smile down at my phone, glancing around again quickly to make sure no one is watching me. Thankfully, they’re all too caught up in Leven’s story. I try to shake my hair out in front of my face to hide my cheeks, which I am sure are burning red, but I’m out of luck - my hair is still up in Leven’s braid. I text back quickly, my fingers moving lightning fast. I don’t think about it; I just answer.

Isabelle: Yes. I’d love to.

I throw my phone back down into my bag, and when I glance back up, I see Jackie looking at me. I shrug, cheeks still burning red, and she smirks at me. Of course she knows exactly what’s going on. She wouldn’t be Foxface if she didn’t. Jen saves me, rolling off the bed and stretching her arms towards the ceiling. “Well, I don’t know about y’all, but it’s going to be a rough day for me tomorrow if I don’t get some rest.” She picks up her sweatshirt and stuffs the pockets full of Tootsie Rolls. “Good night, ladies.”

"Night, Jen," we chorus, and she’s out the door, taking Amandla and Willow with her. I lean over the edge of the bed, grabbing my bag again, and stand up, stretching out my legs.

"I think that’s my cue to leave too." I sling my bag over my shoulder, digging inside it for my room key, pushing aside the packages of gum, pens, and hair ties that litter the bottom of it. Finally I come up with it. I kiss Leven, Kalia, and Tara on the cheek, and when I get to Jackie, I give her a big hug, whispering in her ear, "Thanks, boo. I love you."

"Love you too." She squeezes me back, hard. "See you for breakfast in the morning."

Once I get back to my hotel room, I sit down on my bed and throw down my bag. The lights are still off, and I’m more exhausted than I thought I was because I don’t even get back up to turn them on. I flop backwards on the bed, spread-eagled on the fluffy comforter, closing my eyes. I’m doing okay, I tell myself. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be a struggle, but as long as I keep trying to get over Alex, it’ll become easier, and before I know it, it won’t hurt anymore. Although going to dinner with him probably isn’t a step in the right direction. But friends go to dinner with each other. So that’s all it is. Just two friends, going to-

"Isabelle?"

I practically jump out of my skin. “FUCK!” I scream, sitting straight up and whipping my head around, the end of my braid smacking me in the face. “Alex, what the FUCK?”

He is sitting in an armchair by the window, staring at me. “You’ve sure got a mouth on you, little Fuhrman.”

"Have you just been sitting here in the dark?" I hiss at him, heart pounding so hard I’m surprised it’s still in my chest. "How did you even get in here in the first place?”

He grins, teeth glowing bright white in the dark of the room. I jump up quickly and turn on the lights, spinning around and pressing my back against the door, glaring at him. He holds up a thin strip of white plastic. “I talked the girl at the desk into giving me this.”

"Of course you did." I roll my eyes, but I’m secretly not as mad as I am making myself out to be. Of course not. Because who can stay mad at Alexander Ludwig? "Alex, what are you doing here?”

He stands up, and I am struck, as I always am, by how large he is. There’s just so much of him, and as he takes a step towards me, I can feel my heart begin to race. I try to take a step back, but I am already pressed flat against the door. “I just wanted to apologize again.”

"You’ve apologized already. Twice."

"I know." He takes another step. "But there were a lot of people around and then you took off with Red and I just… I didn’t get to say everything I wanted to say."

"What’s that?"

Another step. “You know what you mean to me. Right, Is?” I shake my head, confused. Another step. He’s almost in arm’s reach. “I know I’m with Leven, and sometimes she can be a little… controlling, but you’re my friend, Is. You’re one of my best friends.” Right. Just friends. That’s all he thinks of me. Of course that’s all. We’re just friends. Just Alex and Is. Just friends. I let out the breath I don’t even realize I’ve been holding. He takes one more big step and he’s right there in front of me. Tall. Gorgeous. Heart stopping. Heart breaking. I grunt at him in reply, and he must take this as a sign of agreement or recognition or something, because he continues. “And I feel like I’ve kind of been treating you like shit.”

I raise an eyebrow. “How?” So I can speak. Why do I turn into a speechless idiot around this boy? Good question, Isabelle.

"Well." He reaches out and flicks the end of my braid, and as his fingers graze my cheek, I think my heart stops, just for a split second. What is he doing to me? "I blew you off today. And there was that time last week when I told you I would drive you and Red to Wal-Mart and I didn’t."

"Oh, it’s okay. I mean-"

"But it’s not all my fault, Belle." He is whispering now and calling me Belle, which nobody else does. It’s a special Alexander thing, I guess.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you booted out of the pool pretty quick today. And you didn’t come to breakfast this morning. In fact, if I didn’t know better, I might think you’re ignoring me."

If you didn’t know better. Ha.

I look down at my Converses, and when I look up again, Alex is only about six inches away from my face. I can’t breathe. I can’t look away. All I can see are those eyes, piercing right through me, and all I can feel is his breath, soft against my cheek, and all I can smell is him and his quintessential Alex smell, all peppermint and Axe and laundry soap, and all I can hear is him whispering in my ear, “You aren’t ignoring me. Are you, Belle?” And everything goes dark, and I realize he has flipped off the light switch above my head, and then before I know it, he is out the door and down the hallway. I stand in the doorway, watching him walk off down the hall to the right. I see him look back over his shoulder. I see him smile. I see him wink at me. And as I turn around to close the door, I think I see a swatch of bright blonde hair whipping around the corner off to my left, in the opposite direction of the way Alex just sauntered off. And I think for just a second that it’s Leven. But I don’t think much of it. Why would she be lurking around the halls? And even if she was, I didn’t do anything wrong. At that moment, my heart is too full to even think about Leven. The only thing on my mind right now is Alex.

* * * * *

The couch in my trailer is right under the window, and when it’s nice and cool in the morning, it’s a good place to fall asleep. But then the day starts heating up and the temperature climbs up to 100 degrees or more, and you wake up drenched in sweat. That’s what happened to me today. This morning, we had some fight training. Alex worked with Josh and I was working with Jen, and it was exhausting. The stuntmen pulled the mats out into the shadow of the Cornucopia and we practiced Jen throwing me down onto the mat and flipping over me and me pinning her down by the wrists with my knees. It is pushing 100 degrees today, and by the time they let us go, my t-shirt was sticking to my back with sweat. I came back into my nice, cool, dark trailer and immediately fell asleep on the couch, until the trailer heated up too much for me to sleep any longer.

I jump up and yank down the shades on the window, silently cursing myself out for forgetting to do it before I passed out. Once the room is dark again, I go over to my fridge and get a bottle of Gatorade, plopping down on the couch. I take a big drink and close my eyes, smiling as I think about my encounter with Alex last night. All of a sudden, someone is sitting next to me and I jump. What is with everyone sneaking up on me?

"Geez, Leven. I didn’t even hear you come in." I take a deep breath, trying to steady my heartbeat. "What’s up?"

She tosses her braid over her shoulder, pulling her legs up in front of her, crossing them. “Hey Is. I just wanted to talk.” She looks around, asking me the same question I asked Alex last night. “Have you been sitting here in the dark?”

I shrug. “It was really hot in here.” I’m starting to get worried. Maybe she did see Alex come out of my room last night. Maybe she’s pissed. Maybe she thought something happened. I mean, we were just talking. Maybe she’s here to yell at me. I knew I should have just kicked Alex out right away. “Is… uh, is everything okay?” I wipe my palms off on my shorts, trying to hide it from Leven.

"Everything’s fine." She doesn’t sound like herself. "Look, I’m gonna just say it… I saw Alex come out of your room last night." Fuck. "And I was just wondering… is there something I should know about?" She just sits there and stares at me.

My mouth drops open. I don’t even know what to say. “Lev… Lev, no! I mean - what are you even talking about?”

She pulls her braid back over her shoulder and begins examining it for nonexistent split ends. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so fidgety. “I don’t know.” She picks at a strand of hair, avoiding my eyes. “I know you guys are close. I mean, he calls you his best friend. To him, you’re on the same level as Dayo and Jack. And he doesn’t think of me that way. I’m just his bitchy, controlling, crazy girlfriend.” I shift uncomfortably on the couch. For a second, I feel almost bad for Leven. But then I realize that their relationship must not be as bad as she thinks because they’re still together. She definitely isn’t going to break up with him, and as far as I can tell, he’s not leaving her anytime soon. So then I don’t feel so bad anymore. Leven drops her braid, tapping my knee with her knuckles. She finally meets my eyes. “I just want to know if you have feelings for him or if he’s said anything to you or… or anything.”

I stare at her, jaw dropped. I literally don’t know what to say. I don’t want to lie to her. But then again, it’s not like anything has happened between us. It’s not like Alex feels the way I do. It’s just me and and my silly little crush. He doesn’t know about it. No one knows about it, except for Jackie and Amandla. And how do I know that the feelings I have will last or that they’re even real to begin with? I don’t. So I look Leven right in the eye, and I say, “No.”

A look of relief immediately washes over her face, and I feel bad for lying to her in the first place. “Thanks, Is. I mean… I didn’t think he would cheat on me, especially with you, but…” She stops suddenly. “Oh, Is, I didn’t… I didn’t mean that in a bad way. I just…”

I can’t stop myself from asking, “What’s that supposed to mean?” I regret it almost right away, because I have a feeling it’s too obvious. If I take offense to what she said, she’ll know I lied to her. But she doesn’t seem to notice.

"I just mean… you really mean a lot to him. He really does see you as his best friend. I know that it means so much to him, y’alls friendship." She reaches out and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear and taps my chin, making her look up at her. "Is. He really cares about you."

I shrug. “Yeah, maybe.” I stand up, ready to get out of this conversation, even if it means leaving the safety and air conditioning of my trailer. “Do you wanna see if crafty has anything good to steal?”

She laughs, and when she stands up, she towers over me. “Yeah, let’s go.” And we leave the trailer together.

The second we step outside, the heat hits us like a wall. It’s disgusting. And it’s one of the only bad things about working out here on location. It’s beautiful. We are working in untouched woods next to the city of Asheville’s reservoir. But it’s so hot, and there are snakes and spiders and bears to worry about. Although truthfully, I would love to see a bear. 

Jackie comes running up to us once we get closer to the training building. “Hey darlings!” She slides in between us, slipping an arm around each of our waists. I instantly feel more relaxed with her there. And then I feel bad because I know I shouldn’t feel weird around Leven. Just because she’s dating Alex doesn’t mean we can’t still be close. But I know deep down that we’ll never truly be as close as I am with Jackie or Amandla. Because I’ll never be able to sit on her bed knowing that she probably made out with Alex there. Because I’ll never be able to go get coffee with her and sit down and listen to her talk about her most recent fight with Alex. Because I’ll never be able to look at her the same, knowing that he picked her, that he chose her, that he’s with her. Because I want it to be me. I want to be able to go out with him and have dinner and hold his hand and have him look at me like that. And most of all, I want to know why he is with her. I just want to know why.

Thank God Jackie is here to cheer me up.

She dances alongside me as we get cookies from crafty. She sings in my ear as we walk down Trailer Row, looking for people to bother. She reaches over and pokes me in the cheek when she sees me looking a little sad. At some point, Leven skips off, off to her trailer or in search of Alex or something.

"So," Jackie asks me as we walk up the steps to her trailer. "Do you want to go to dinner tonight?"

I flush red, and not just from the heat. I yank open her trailer door and sigh contentedly at the rush of cool air that greets us. “Well, actually, I’m going to dinner with Alex.”

"Oh, really?" She raises an eyebrow at me and throws a pillow in my direction. I’m a little nervous that she’s pissed at me, but she starts laughing. "Like a date?"

I snort, sitting down on the floor directly underneath the air conditioner. “No. Like a friend date.”

"A friend date?"

"Yeah. Like he felt bad for blowing me off, so we’re just gonna go hang out."

"Where’s he taking you?"

"Oh my God, it’s not like a date, Jackie. It’s just hanging out."

"Well, can I at least help you get ready?"

I cock my eyebrow at her and frown. “No. No, no, no. Nope. No.” I shake my head vigorously. She tosses her hair behind her shoulder, red strands catching the light, and she sticks out her bottom lip, pouting.

"Come on, baby." She gets up from the floor and starts dancing around the room. "I’ll make you look beautiful!"

"Wow, thanks."

"More beautiful than you already are, I mean."

"I don’t think so." She stops spinning around and lies back down on the floor next to me.

"Fine. Be that way."

We lay there in silence for a little while, cool air streaming down at us. Before too long, there’s a knock on the door. “Jackie?” A voice comes from outside. “We need you on set.”

Jackie sits straight up. “What?” She scrapes her hair up into a ponytail. “I’m not even on the call sheet today!” she yells back.

"You’re not shooting. Gary just wants to talk to you about tomorrow’s stunt sequence with Jen!" the voice calls back.

Jackie looks at me and pulls herself to her feet, holding her hand out to me. “Will you come with me?”

I nod, grabbing her hand. She pulls me up. We walk over to the door and I pull it open, letting her walk through first. And two seconds later, I’m incredibly glad I did, because as soon as Jackie steps out into the sun, she is hit directly in the chest with a water balloon. She starts screaming. “ISABELLE!”

I immediately slam the door of the trailer shut, leaving her stranded outside. Giggling, I peek through the window, watching Jack and Dayo pelt water balloons at Jackie as she screams at them to stop. Eventually, they do, and Jack picks her up, spinning her around and laughing hysterically. I open the door of the trailer slowly, carefully looking around to make sure Dayo doesn’t have any more water balloons on him. When I see him off to the side, laughing at Jack and Jackie, no water balloons in sight, I step out of the trailer and close the door behind me. Dayo bounds over to me, wrapping his huge arms around me.

"Hello, little Isabelle. "He laughs. I glare up at him.

"What the hell was that all about, Okeniyi?"

"Hey, you guys pranked us, so we had to get you back," he explains, dragging me over to Jack and Jackie. She is dripping wet, and she flicks me in the arm as soon as I get within arm’s reach of her.

"Thanks a lot, Fuhrman!" She sounds pissed, but she’s laughing. "You used me as a shield!"

"Well, better you than me. And technically, you were the one who threw the water balloons at the boys yesterday."

"I guess so. But you were the diversion."

Jack and Dayo snort. And I almost think I’ve gotten away with escaping a soaking, until a strong arm encircles my waist from behind me, and a wave of water washes over my head. I can’t even breathe because it’s so cold. I spin around and see Alex standing there, empty bucket in hand.

"Hey!" I yell at him. Jackie, Jack, and Dayo are doubled over, laughing.

"Sorry, Belle." He shrugs, dropping the bucket. "They told me to!"

Eventually, we are all sitting beneath a huge oak tree, letting the sun dry us off. Jackie is weaving my soaked hair into a braid, and it feels good, cool and heavy against my neck. The boys are throwing clumps of grass at each other.

"Are we done for the day?" Jackie asks, snapping the elastic on the end of my braid.

Jack nods, throwing a dandelion at her. “Yeah. We were just waiting around for Josh to get done.”

"Where is everyone else?" I glance over at Alex, and he smiles at me.

"Jen and Josh are shooting. Amandla, Willow, Tara, and Kalia are in Amandla’s trailer. Ethan and Ian are eating. And I don’t know where Leven is. We thought she was with you two."

"She was for a while. We thought she went to find you guys."

And then, as if on cue, Leven bounces up, blonde hair swinging loose around her shoulders. “Hey guys!” she chirps, sitting down in Alex’s lap and slinging her arm around his shoulder. She kisses his cheek. “Hey babe.”

Is it my imagination, or does Alex glance in my direction instead of kissing his girlfriend back?

Leven settles back against Alex’s chest and stretches her arms up over his head, exposing a strip of tan stomach. “So what are we all doing tonight?”

"Sushi!" Amandla skips up, Tara, Kalia, and Willow in tow. They spread out on the grass, enlarging our circle. "Can we please go get some?"

Dayo laughs. “Craving the Godzilla roll, huh, Amandla?” She nods eagerly. “You guys up for sushi?”

"Yes please!" Tara says, and Leven nods eagerly, leaning her head back against Alex’s shoulder. She looks up at him.

"What do you say, babe? Sushi tonight?" Instead of answering her, he looks over her head at me, and I can feel my face go red. I look down at my lap, where I have been absentmindedly braiding together two dandelion stems.

Alex clears my throat, looking back down at Leven. “I’m going to dinner with Belle tonight, Lev. Remember?” She looks over at me, and there is a beat of awkward tension. But then she smiles.

"Oh, sorry. I forgot."

I glance over at Jackie, and she shrugs. It’s not like Leven to just let Alex off the hook that easily. But then again, it’s not like she has any reason to distrust Alex or me. It’s like she said… we’re just friends. Leven has gone to dinner alone with Dayo and Jack, just as friends. That’s all we’re doing.

We see Jen and Josh walking towards us, and everyone stands up, brushing off the pieces of grass that seem to be stuck everywhere. “Well, do the rest of you guys want to get sushi?” Leven asks, pulling a piece of grass out of one of Alex’s blonde spikes. He smiles down at her, ruffling her hair.

"Oh God, please!" Jen shrieks, running up to us and swinging an arm around Jack. "Need food now!"

We all laugh at her dramatics. Jen wouldn’t be Jen if she wasn’t always talking about food. We all start walking towards the parking lot, where production has vans waiting for us. I climb into the first one, Jackie on my heels. We are quickly followed by Amandla, Dayo, and Jack. I sit in the very back by the window, where I can see Leven disappearing into the door of the other van. I close my eyes, resting my head against the cool glass of the window. It feels nice after the heat of the outside, and soon I am shivering, both from the cold glass of the window pane and the air conditioner, which is already on full blast, even though we haven’t moved yet. My eyes are still closed when someone drops down next to me, knocking my elbow.

"Sorry." Alex grins sheepishly down at me.

I smile back. “There’s just so much of you that you can’t remember where you end.” He laughs. “Why aren’t… ah, why aren’t you with Leven?” I jerk my head towards the other van.

He rolls his eyes playfully at me. “I don’t always have to be with Lev, do I?”

"No, I guess not."

Dayo slams the door of the van shut, and we are off to the hotel. I stare out the window as we drive into Asheville, and I realize exactly how happy I am at this moment. I love my job. I love this place. I love my friends. And as I sit here in this van next to Alex, I just feel incredibly happy. I remember how sad I felt yesterday, how upset I was just thinking about Alex and Leven together. And I realize that maybe I am getting over him. Maybe the feelings I have for him aren’t that strong. But then he looks at me and he smiles and his eyes sparkle at me. And I know that my feelings are real. But I’m happy anyways, because for some reason… I feel like I still might have a chance.


	3. Leave Love Alone

_Funny how love can make you feel_

_Crush you like a ton of steel_

_Fake you out, make you think it’s real_

I am going to dinner with Alexander Ludwig tonight, and I managed to keep Jackie and her makeup case away from me all afternoon. She begged and pleaded and cajoled, but I stood my ground. Finally she consented to sit in my bed and stuff her face with Sour Patch Kids and watch television while I got ready. She did not consent, however, to keep her mouth shut, and mumbled things under her breath all afternoon, quietly cursing me out for not letting her help me until I threw a pack of Twizzlers at her head. That shut her up for a little bit. And now I’m standing here in front of the mirror in skinny jeans and a lacy white tank top, my hair loose around my shoulders, and I’m starting to get a little nervous. Which is stupid, because there’s nothing to be nervous about. It’s just dinner. With a friend. That’s all, Isabelle. I take one more deep breath, glance in the mirror one last time, and turn to look at Jackie. “Are you going back to your own room, or are you staying here, Emerson?” She tilts her head back and stares up at me, surrounded by candy wrappers and pillows. 

"I don’t know." She takes a bite of licorice. "I’m pretty damn comfortable." I smirk at her and hand her the remote, which had fallen off the bed. "Thanks, baby. Now be good and I’ll see you when you get back." She grabs another pillow and puts it behind her neck, changing the channel. I turn to go, grabbing my bag off the chair and checking inside to make sure I have my phone, my key, my lip gloss. As I grab the door handle, she says, "Hey Is?" I turn around, and she gives me a huge grin. "You look great."

I smile. “Thanks, baby. I’ll see you later.”

I walk down into the lobby, and I see him standing there. And his back is towards me, so I can just stand where I am, by the elevator doors, and just look at him for a second. He’s so tall and huge and blonde and gorgeous, and as I stand there, I start to feel strangely inadequate. Because how could I ever be with someone like him? He’s him and I’m me and we’re from two completely different worlds. He’s in college and he already knows everyone in this business and he’s dated girls and had legitimate relationships before. I’m not like that. I’ve never date anyone and I’m still trying to make it through high school and I still get a little nervous every time I have to get on set and act because even though I love it so much, it’s a lot of pressure. We’re complete opposites. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because we’re just friends and he’s with Leven. And we’re just going to dinner. But then he turns around and my heart stops. He’s walking over to me, and I consider getting right back on the elevator because I can’t breathe. And then he is standing right in front of me.

"Hey Belle." His voice is soft. We stand there for a second, looking at each other, until I realize how awkward that is and I clear my throat. "Oh. Are, are you ready to go?" I nod, and he holds his hand out to me. Without even thinking about it, I take it, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to do. And we walk through the lobby together like that, hand in hand, and he holds the door open for me and helps me into his little black sports car and it just feels so normal… almost like we’re together. Almost like there was never anything between him and Leven to begin with. But there in the back of my mind is the voice telling me that I’m wrong. He is with Leven and we aren’t together and I can pretend all I want, but we will never be a couple. And then we are pulling out of the parking lot and everything that has to do with Leven or the rest of our cast mates or work seems to fade away. It’s just Alex and me under the sky and the setting sun, driving away from everything else. The top of his convertible is down and the wind is lifting my hair off the back of my neck and rushing past my ears and I stick my hand out into the cool night air, letting it carry me along.

"Where are we going?" I ask after a little while.

"Strada." He glances at me, one wrist cocked over the steering wheel, other arm hanging over the windowsill. "Is that okay?"

“Strada?" I can’t believe that’s what I just heard. "Alex, that’s a fancy restaurant!"

"So?"

"So I’m not dressed for that!"

"You look great, Belle. You don’t need to worry about anything." He smiles at me.

I don’t say it, but I know that Strada is the restaurant that Alex and Leven got into a fight over. She wanted him to take her there, but he didn’t want to get all dressed up and go. So I can’t help but wonder why he wants to go there.

I look over at him and the sun is setting behind him so I can only see his silhouette. And all of a sudden, I get a rush of feelings for him, and it’s not just the silly little crush I’ve been whining about to Jackie. In that moment, I am just so glad I have someone like Alex, someone I know will always be there to protect me, to listen to me, to comfort me, to tell me that everything is going to be okay. He’s like the big brother that I never had and always wanted. And obviously I feel a lot more for him than that too, but on its very base level, that’s what our friendship comes down to: a mutual trust that we will always be there for each other.

A few minutes later, we are driving through downtown Asheville and pulling into the parking lot of Strada. Alex is out of the car and over to my side, opening my door, before I even realize it.

We walk up to the restaurant, and a host in black dress pants and a white shirt holds the door open for us. I immediately feel underdressed. The hostess eyes me from behind her little stand, clearly questioning my capability to dress myself since I’m wearing jeans in a fancy restaurant. “Do you have a reservation?” she asks. I can tell she doesn’t think we had the foresight to make one, and for a second, I worry she’s right.

But Alex saunters right up to her, taps her little book, and says, “Of course we do. It should be under Ludwig. For two.” The hostess looks down at her list and raises her eyebrows, as if she’s surprised. I’m not liking this girl very much.

"Okay. Y’all can follow me." She grabs two huge leather menus from the side of her stand and heads off to the back of the restaurant, not even checking to see if we’re following her.

"Can we sit outside?" Alex asks her.

The hostess doesn’t even answer; she just veers off to the right towards the patio. As we walk outside, I look around and my eyes widen. There are glittery little icicle lights hanging off everything and little trees in pots and ivy climbing up the walls. It’s perfect. She seats us at a little table in the corner, next to a tiny waterfall coming out of a rock formation, drops our menus on the table, and walks away without a word.

"Thanks for your help!" Alex calls after her, and I can’t help but laugh.

"I don’t think she appreciated my attire."

Alex grabs my hand on top of the table. “Oh, come on, Belle. That girl has probably had a stick up her ass from the day she was born.” I laugh again and look down, and Alex lets go of my hand, sliding his arm back across the table and picking up his menu. “What looks good to you?”

I look down at my menu. “Well… all of it.” He laughs.

Thankfully, our waitress is a lot nicer than our hostess. She takes our drink orders and we finally decide what we want to eat, bistecca for Alex and gnocchi for me.

"So, Belle." He takes a drink of his water. "What’s your favorite part so far?"

I can feel my face get red, because I obviously can’t say you. “I don’t know.” I shrug noncommittally. “I like everything.”

He raises an eyebrow at me. “Of course you do. But if you had to pick one thing over everything else, and somebody was asking you at gunpoint, then what would it be?”

"In what possible scenario would somebody be holding me at gunpoint, demanding to know what my all-time favorite part of filming the Hunger Games was?”

He ignores my question. “You know what mine is?” He pauses and stares over my head for a second. “It’s been… meeting everyone. It’s been making friends. It’s been Josh and Jack and Dayo and…” He looks down at me, right into my eyes. “And you.”

I can’t breathe, and I can’t look away from him. “Yeah.” I can’t speak above a whisper. “That’s my favorite too.”

Our waitress interrupts us, setting down our plates between us. “There you go. Let me know if y’all need anything else.” Neither one of us looks up at her and she walks away, leaving us alone again.

There’s nothing else for either of us to say. We just sit there in silence, eating our food an staring at each other, occasionally coughing or clearing our throats. It’s not an awkward silence, but it’s definitely noticeable. After I finish eating and push my plate towards the center of the table, Alex puts down his fork and looks me square in the eyes. “Isabelle, I need to talk to you.”

My heart starts beating faster. I have a feeling he’s going to say something important. “Okay. What is it?”

"Well." He clears his throat. "I-"

"You guys!" I hear a voice, and I close my eyes. What the hell?

"You’ve got to be kidding me," Alex mumbles under his breath. We look up and see them walking towards us. Everyone. All of them. Jack, Dayo, Amandla, Tara, Jackie, Willow, Jen, Josh, Liam. And they are led by Leven, who does not look happy. "Shit."

She saunters right up to us. “I didn’t know you two were coming here.” Her voice is cold. She doesn’t even glance in my direction, and I look over at Jackie, confused. She shakes her head, and I know she doesn’t know what’s going on.

"I told you we were going to dinner, Leven." Alex doesn’t sound so happy either.

"To Strada. Really, Alex?” And before I even know what’s going on, Alex and Leven are full-on fighting, yelling at each other right in the middle of the restaurant. Yelling about me, about me and Alex. Everyone else is shifting uncomfortably, looking at each other, not really knowing what to do. And then I hear Leven say, “You’re really sneaking around with her? You’re cheating on me with her?”

"Leven!" Alex hisses back. "Isabelle and I are just friends! That’s it. There is nothing between us. Do you understand me?”

I can’t help it. I try to stay quiet, but all of a sudden, I hear myself say, “WHAT?" Leven and Alex and everyone else looks at me. And I don’t really feel like myself anymore. I stand up, throw down my napkin, and turn my back on Leven and Alex, grabbing Jackie’s hand and walking out of the restaurant.

I’m done.


	4. Jar of Hearts

_And who do you think you are_

_Running around leaving scars_

_Collecting your jar of hearts_

_And tearing love apart_

_You’re gonna catch a cold_

_From the ice inside your soul_

_So don’t come back for me_

_Who do you think you are?_

I feel stupid. How could I think for even a second that Alex and I had anything? He said it himself - there is nothing between us. So why do I feel like this? Why do I feel so embarrassed, so humiliated, so ashamed? I’m practically running out of the restaurant, dragging Jackie behind me. We’ve left Leven and Alex screaming at each other on the patio, the rest of the cast cringing. I know without even turning around that Jack and Dayo have come after us. We make it almost all the way out onto the sidewalk before the boys catch up to us. I drop Jackie’s wrist and begin walking, where to I’m not quite sure. I just know that I want to get back to the hotel, go straight to my room, sit in bed, and cry. I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I just want to be alone. But unfortunately, since I came here in Alex’s car, I don’t exactly know how I’m going to accomplish that. I forget for a second that the rest of the cast is here too, until Jack grabs my shoulder. “Isabelle!” I stop in my tracks and turn to stare at him. “What the hell, Isabelle? What’s going on?”

And then I remember that Jack and Dayo and all the rest of them have no idea what’s been going on between Alex and me. I can’t just come out and say what I really feel. I can’t tell them what’s been bothering me and why I’m so upset, because even though I’m sure they would know exactly what to say to cheer me up, I’m not ready to let everyone know how I stupid I was to fall for Alex’s stupid little game. And I can’t just straight out lie to them either, because they’re smart. They know me too well at this point. They would know I was lying. And I don’t know what to say. Thankfully, I don’t have to say anything, because once again, Jacqueline Emerson comes to my rescue.

"Right now we just need to get out of here," she mumbles to Jack, elbowing him hard in the side. He takes the hint.

"Okay, well, Dayo and I drove here in Dayo’s car, but we can’t just leave everyone else here without a-" He stops, and I turn around, following his gaze to the doors of the restaurant, where everyone else is emerging. Everyone except Alex and Leven, thank God. They must still be inside, fighting.

"Well, this is just great," Jen grumbles. She is flanked by Josh and Liam, who are snickering behind her back. Amanda, Tara, and Willow trail behind them. "I am starving."

"Okay, so now what?" Josh asks, looking around at all of us. I nudge Jackie, and she pipes up.

"I think we should just go back."

"Hungry," Jen whimpers.

"Okay." Liam, ever the peacemaker, speaks up. "Well, let’s just all head back to the hotel and we can order pizza. Does that work for everyone?"

Jen’s face brightens immediately. “Yes please!” Before anyone else has a chance to say anything, Jackie and I take off for Dayo’s car. I get in, buckle my seatbelt, and slouch down as low in the seat as I can, so that if Leven and Alex come out of the restaurant, they won’t be able to see me. Jackie sits next to me, patting my arm, and I’m glad she understands that I just don’t want to talk. We let everyone else sort out rides, and soon, Dayo and Jack climb in the front seat, Tara in the back with us. I can tell she wants to say something, but realizes that there is something going on that she doesn’t exactly know about. Liam, Jen, Josh, Amandla, and Willow take off in Liam’s car, and Dayo follows behind them. As we pull out of the parking lot, I briefly realize that we are leaving Alex and Leven behind with only one car. But as I lean my head against the window, I realize I just don’t care. As dayo takes a right out of the lot, I turn and look back at the door of the restaurant. And I think I see Alex, standing alone by the door, looking after us, Leven nowhere in sight.

Once we get back to the hotel, I jump out of the car and start running for the stairs. I still haven’t said a word since I stood up on Strada’s patio and took off. I can hear Jackie right behind me, and she barely makes it into my room before I slam the door shut. “Isabelle.” Her voice is more serious than I’ve ever heard it. She pushes me over to the bed and makes me sit down. She walks into the bathroom and I can hear the faucet turn on, and I realize that I don’t think I could move, even if I wanted to. Jackie comes back into the bedroom, a tumbler full of water in her hand. She nudges me in the arm with it until I take it. “Drink, Isabelle.” I do. “Okay, good. Now talk to me.”

I look up at her and put the water glass down next to the television, and I speak for the first time in thirty minutes. All I can manage to say is, “Come on.”

"I know. She’s really something."

"I mean, come ON! Was that necessary at all?"

"No, it wasn’t. And none of us knew that you two were there. Otherwise we would have gone somewhere else."

"Yeah, what happened to sushi?"

Jackie rolls her eyes. “Leven changed her mind at the last minute. She said she never got to go to Strada, and she really wanted to go, and we just… we ended up there.” I get up and go over to the closet, quickly changing into Nike shorts and a Stanford t-shirt. I crawl into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin, and Jackie sits down cross-legged next to my head. She gently combs through my hair. “Do you want to talk?”

"Not really." I shake my head. She nods.

"Okay. I’m gonna go see if the others have ordered that pizza, okay?" I nod, and she pats my head. "Text me if you need anything, okay?" I nod again, and she turns to leave. She looks back at me, hand on the doorknob. "It’s going to be okay, Is." I nod for a third time.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Is."

After she leaves, I just lay there in the dark, thinking. I wonder what happened after we walked out of Strada. Did Alex and Leven keep fighting? Did they make up? Maybe they’re back in Alex’s hotel room right now, or maybe they’re sitting together at our table. Maybe she’s sitting in my chair, eating my dessert. Maybe Alex is telling her what he was about to tell me before she interrupted us. She’s probably sitting across from him, looking into his eyes over the flame of the vanilla-scented candle in between them. She’s probably living my life right now. I know now that I never had any claim over Alex. Because he is Leven’s, no matter what happens to them after tonight. Even if they break up, I will never be able to actually be with Alex. She would never allow it. This is starting to hit me, just now. Even if I don’t want to get over Alex, even if I’m not ready, I’m about to be forced to, because-

"Isabelle." And then I hear his voice on the other side of the door. I sit up in bed, staring at it as if he could see me through it. “Isabelle. Open the door.” I roll my eyes and flop back down against the pillows. I almost think I’m imagining it when I see the door handle turn. It’s a hotel room, I think stupidly. It’s not like anyone can just walk in. But the door is almost completely open before I remember that Alex talked his way into a copy of my room key. And all of a sudden, Alex is in my room, slipping through the crack in the door and standing in front of me. For a second, I can’t say anything, and then the words come. “Alex! What the hell are you doing here?”

He starts to walk up to my bed, and I get up, throwing my pillow at him. It hits him right in the chest and falls to the floor. “Isabelle. Come on. Just talk to me.”

"I did talk to you! I’ve been talking to you! I was talking to you right up until the point when you stood up in front of everyone and told your girlfriend exactly what she wanted to hear!”

"Isabelle, I-"

"Do you even believe anything you say?"

"What are you talking about?" He walks right over to me, over to my side of the bed, right up to me. I want to tell him to get away, but for some reason, whenever Alex gets close to me, I can’t think or breathe or speak. He comes right up to me and touches my arm.

"You know what I’m talking about, Alex," I hiss, yanking my arm out of his reach. "It’s not just me imagining shit anymore! I thought it was at first, but I know I’m not making all this up in my head."

"Making what up?” he asks urgently. “Imagining what shit?” I try to turn away, but Alex grabs my arm again, keeping me next to him.

"I thought…" I can’t seem to make myself say it. I know my face is bright red and I can feel my heart beating faster. But I also know that I need to say it. This ridiculous tension between us has been going on for way too long. So I take a deep breath, look down, and say it. "I thought that maybe there was something… something between us. But clearly I was wrong." I push my way past him. Hell, I’ll leave him here and go find Jackie. But he grabs my arm one more time, spins me around, and looks me right in the eye, locking me in place with his gaze.

"Isabelle." He is barely speaking above a whisper. I have to take a step closer to even hear what he’s saying. "I’m not denying the fact that I think of you as more than a friend sometimes." I knew it. My heartbeat gets even faster. I knew I hadn’t just been imagining it. I’m about ready to just forgive him. Maybe things will change. Maybe we can even be together. But then I hear him say, "But I’m with Leven. And I’m not ready to just… give that up."

I’m so furious I can’t even see straight. The blood in my veins is ice cold. “You what?” I’m not screaming. I’m not yelling. I’m not carrying on. I can barely get the words out as I start pushing him towards the door. “Get out, Alex!” He tries to protest, but I think he realizes it’s a lost cause at this point.

I keep pushing him backwards, and I can feel my eyes getting hot. I know it’s only a matter of time before I start crying, and I am determined that he be out of the room before that happens. He keeps saying my name, but I can’t answer or defend myself or even look up at him. I reach for the door handle, violently yanking it open and pushing him out into the hall, and hopefully, out of my heart.

"Isabelle," Alex says one more time, trying to wedge himself back into my room, but I have a hand on the door, and I’m stronger than I look, especially when I’m angry. I am finally able to look at him, to meet his gaze, to lock my eyes with his. And when I do, I realize something.

I don’t recognize him anymore. Alexander Ludwig is standing right in front of me - that is obvious - but I don’t know who he is anymore. He’s dating a girl because of what she looks like. He has essentially thrown our friendship, whatever little of it there ever was, down the drain. He stood up in that restaurant, in front of God and everybody, and picked her over me. And I don’t blame him, but I want him to man up, tell me he was wrong, apologize, something. But I also know that it doesn’t matter. Because I don’t really know him, and I never will.

I lock the door with the chain so that he can’t get in, even if he tried, and I slump down against it, right onto the floor. I don’t know that Alex is right on the other side of the door in the same position that I am in. I don’t know that he sits there for a long time, until Jack and Dayo come to get him. I don’t know that he goes out to the back of the hotel and sits there by himself instead of sleeping. All I know is that, as I get into bed and cry myself to sleep, I can feel my heart breaking. And eventually, as I drift off into unconscious sleeplessness, I don’t feel anything anymore.

* * * * *

"Alright, everyone in position!"

I take a deep breath. I have two knives in my left hand, one in my right, real knives, not props. I clear my mind, trying to think like Clove: vicious, sadistic, cruel, clever. To be honest, this morning it’s not as far of a stretch as it usually is. I’m still incredibly pissed at Alex after our showdown last night, and I’m starting to think it might be a good thing, because I’m about to start throwing these knives.

"Aaaaaand… action!" Gary screams.

I shake out my shoulders, watching as the practice dummies emerge out of nowhere. I feel almost like Clove. She’s in my head now, and as the first dummy lights up red, the target in the middle of it shining like a beacon, I let the knife in my hand fly. Then the second. As I see the third dummy light up, I whip around, letting the knife spin off behind my back.

"Perfect!" Gary calls out. "Cut!"

I let out a big sigh, and all of the tension leaves my body. Throwing knives is fun and all, but it’s a little bit nerve-wracking too. Everyone’s eyes are on me as I target the dummies, and I know that they don’t expect me to look like a professional, but I still want to look like I know what I’m doing. I hand my knives to a crew member, and walk towards the crafty table, rubbing my right shoulder.

"Good job, Is." My trainer, Jeremy, comes up behind me and pats my back. "You looked great out there.

"Thanks." I smile weakly, wincing a little as his hand brushes my shoulder.

"Is it bothering you?" He looks concerned.

"No… No, I’m fine. It’s just hurting a little. It’s just sore." I try to brush him off. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m weak or that throwing a few knives is too hard for me, but Jeremy calls the medics over anyways. They poke and prod at my shoulder a little bit, and tell me to put some ice on it and rest it and it will be as good as new by tomorrow. So Jeremy sits me down next to the table crafty set up, and leaves me alone with a bag of ice strapped to my shoulder.

Jackie joins me a few minutes later. “Hey Is.”

"Hey. How’s it going?"

"Fine. I just did my plants thing." She hesitates for a second. "You’re doing okay, right?"

She doesn’t know Alex came into my room last night. She doesn’t know what he said to me or that I kicked him out. And I don’t want her to know. Because if she did, I am certain she would go after Alex and probably Leven too, and then everyone would know what is going on, if they don’t already. Or what was going on, I mean.

There is nothing anymore.

I look at her. “Yeah. My arm is just a little sore.”

"You know what I mean, Isabelle."

I sigh heavily. “I’m fine.” She gives me a look. “No, seriously. I mean, yeah, it sucks now. But I’ll be okay.” I pause. “I promise.”

She sighs too. “I know you will be. I just worry.”

I lean back against the wall, resting my head on her shoulder. “You don’t have to worry.” We sit in silence for a while, watching Josh paint his arm and Leven shoot a bow and Ethan try to conquer the monkey bars and Ian start a fire. Jack and Dayo and Alex are all off to the side, snickering about something. They are joined soon after by Leven, who sits down next to Alex, hooking her leg around his. Jackie lets out a huff, and I know she sees them too. “It’s fine, Jackie.” I stand up, unstrapping the ice pack and rotating my shoulder around. Not great, but better.

We film a few more small scenes, just stuff that will be worked into the training montage. In one scene, I stand with Jen and Dakota, watching as Alex screams at Ashton for stealing his knife.

"You took my knife, you little punk!" Alex shoves Ashton, and as he gets mad, he looks even bigger. He stands a head taller than Ashton, and as I stand there watching, the camera panning over me and Jen and Dakota, I am almost scared of him. He’s just so… big. Actors dressed as peacekeepers run in and get in between the two of them, but Alex is so hyped up that he pushes at them too. I can’t tell if he’s acting or if he’s really pissed. "Actually better yet, I’ll wait for the arena!" Alex spits out. "You’ll be the first one I get, so watch your back!" Somebody blows a whistle and Alex walks away, calling back over his shoulder, "You don’t know who you’re messing with, kid!" As he looks back, his eyes catch mine for a brief second. I can’t look away, but he does, and before he stalks off, I get my answer in his eyes.

Alex really is pissed off.


	5. Leave the Pieces

_You not making up your mind_

_Is killing me and wasting time_

_I need so much more than that_

Jackie, Amandla, Tara, and I are lying on the floor of Amandla’s trailer, trying to keep cool. We’ve changed out of our tribute training outfits, but our hair is still styled: mine in two French braids that start high on my head, Jackie’s is up, Amandla’s down and loose around her shoulders, and Tara’s is in a straight braid down her back. We are all sweating profusely, and Amandla is putting ice cubes on her stomach and letting them melt, occasionally throwing one at the rest of us. The TV is on, but none of us can muster up enough energy to even sit up and watch it. And when someone pounds on the door, none of us get up to answer it.

"Girls!" We hear Nina on the other side, and Jackie scoots over to the door on her stomach, reaching up to pull it open. Nina laughs when she sees us all sprawled out on the floor. "Hello ladies. How are y’all?"

"Hot," we answer, all at the same time, and she laughs again.

"Yeah, it’s pretty killer out today." She comes in and sits down on the couch, and somehow we all manage to pull ourselves up into sitting positions, facing her. "So listen," she says. "We were thinking, Gary and I, that it might be fun for y’all to have a little sleepover in the training center tonight. You know, some pizza, some tribute bonding, some memories." She looks around at us. "What do y’all think?"

Tara and Amandla immediately jump up, excited. They clap and squeal, which gives me a chance to exchange a quick, nervous glance with Jackie. We have a lightning-fast silent conversation. I’m nervous, and I can tell that she is too. All of us together in one room for an entire night - us, plus Leven and Alex, and Jack and Dayo and the rest of the crazy boys. Anything could go wrong. But saying that could possibly look suspicious and draw attention to the fact that there is this weird, unspoken fight going on between Alex and me, and maybe me and Leven too, although I’m not sure about that, since I haven’t talked to her yet. I’m sure she’s not happy with me. And I know Alex isn’t happy with me - I saw that look he gave me at the end of filming today. But I know Jackie will run interference for me, if need be. So I look at Nina and nod yes, a smile cracking across my face, and Jackie follows my lead.

Before I know it, we are all piling into Jackie’s car, driving back to the hotel to pick up our overnight stuff. “Okay,” Jackie announces in the elevator as the doors open on our floor. “Get your stuff. Meet me back in the lobby in ten. And break!” We all race off to our respective rooms. As I do, I can see Jack and Dayo and Ethan and Ian running around, and I assume that they’re all doing the same thing we are. I unlock my room and slip inside, grabbing a duffle bag and throwing everything I think I might need inside. I change out of my sweaty work clothes and into some nice, fresh, clean shorts and a tank top, grabbing a sweatshirt in case the training center gets cold at night. As I sling my bag over my shoulder and leave my room, ready to walk towards the elevator, I see Alex and Leven come out of her room down the hall.

All I can do is watch them, frozen in place, my hand on the doorknob. He snakes his arm around her shoulder, pulling her tight to his side and kissing her temple. I can feel a jolt go from my stomach to my feet. He whispers something in her ear and she laughs, tossing her head and looking up at him. As they stand in front of the elevator, waiting for it to come pick them up, he pulls her towards him, locking one arm tightly around her neck, the other hand pulling her chin up towards him. I just stand there at the other end of the hall, watching Alex and Leven make out until they are stopped by the ding of the elevator arriving. Alex lets Leven walk into it ahead of him, and just before he gets on, he looks over at me. I’m not sure why. I don’t think he knew I was standing there. But he looks over at me, and it hurts. Because watching him with Leven shows me that they are actually happy together. And there’s nothing I could do to change that. I don’t want to change it. I want Alex to be happy. So as he looks at me, I turn and walk off in the other direction towards the stairs.

I make it down to the lobby before them, but as I walk down the stairs and up to the group of people waiting there for me, I can feel my eyes flooding with tears. And I can’t help it - when I blink, they cascade down over my cheeks. When Jackie and Dayo and Jack and all the rest of my friends turn and see me, they look alarmed. And suddenly, I’m in Jack’s arms. He’s hugging me so tight I can’t breathe, and I’m glad. And it’s at that moment that Alex and Leven emerge from the elevator, looking all happy and perfect and blonde. I’m glad that there are so many of us, because as they join our crowd, I am sandwiched between Jack and Dayo and completely hidden from Alex’s view.

We all pile into the vans outside, and I make sure that I do not end up with Alex and Leven. Instead, I get in the van with Jack, Dayo, Jackie, Jen, and Josh, who are able to cheer me up immensely in the ride back to set. Jack sings Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato at the top of his lungs, and Josh and Jen dance around in their seats, screaming about Avatar and cake balls and who knows what else. I end up laughing hysterically, and Jackie wraps her arms around my neck, squeezing me tight. She smacks a kiss on the side of my cheek. “I love you, Izzy-bella.”

I laugh, kissing her back. “I love you too, Jacqueline.”

"It’s gonna be a good night, right?" she asks me.

"It’s gonna be a GREAT NIGHT!" Jack screams hysterically, pounding Dayo on the knee. Dayo punches him back.

"How much sugar have you had today?" Jen leans over Josh, rapping him on the temple with her knuckles. He swats her hand away.

"Not that much. Barely any."

Dayo scoffs. “You’ve had three doughnuts in the last hour, Merquaid.”

"That is irrelevant, Okeniyi."

They start a mini-slapfight in the middle of the van, and Jackie has to sit in between them to break it up. When we pull up to set in front of the training center, we all jump out, racing each other to the doors. We are there way before the other vans - Leven must have forgotten something. We walk into the huge building and see that Production has set up a huge nest of blankets and pillows on the floor and a table of pizza boxes and brownies, coolers full of soda sitting underneath. Jen and Josh immediately attack the table, of course. Jackie and I throw our bags up against the wall and collapse into the mound of blankets. Jack brings us plates of pizza and sits down with us.

"So. Ladies."

"So. Quaid." I stare him down, mouth full of pizza. He sticks his tongue out at me.

"Any more ridiculously horrible pranks planned?" Jack asks. Dayo laughs as he sits down next to us.

"Yeah. You girls really suck."

"Shut up!" Jackie narrows her eyes, flicking a Dorito at Jack’s head. He tackles her back into the pillows, and she squeals, laughing. "It’s not just me! It’s Isabelle too!"

"You’re right." Jack looks over at me, his trademark mischievous gleam in his eyes. Before I can stop him, he has started a dog pile, jumping on both me and Jackie, Dayo piling on top of him, and Josh and Jen running over to join the pile. At this moment, the rest of the tributes walk in. The only reason I even know they are here is because I can hear them. I literally can’t see a thing, because I’m squished under everyone else. And I know that this is the happiest I’ve felt in a few days. I feel extra weight added to the pile, and I can only assume that Amandla, Tara, Ethan, Kalia, Dakota, Ashton, Mackenzie, Ian, Imanol, Annie, Sam, Chris, and Kara have joined us. 

After a little while, everyone gets up and goes to get food, leaving Jackie and I on the floor. She sits up and sighs heavily, but I can tell she’s happy. Once everyone is seated, paper plates bending under the weight of pizza and brownies and chips in their laps, open cans of soda littering the floor, Gary walks in. “Hey y’all.”

"Hey Gary," we chorus back in unison, looking up at him expectantly.

"We wanted you all to have a chance to hang out together on set, have fun, make some memories, bond, all of that," he tells us. "You’ve worked so hard, so this should be a relaxing night off." Jack starts screeching wordlessly, and Dayo begins pelting him with chunks of brownie. Gary laughs and walks out, leaving a bunch of teenage actors and actresses alone in an expensive set. You almost have to wonder what’s wrong with him.

As the rest of the boys join in Dayo and Jack’s food fight, I get up and go over to the food tables to escape the projectiles. I crawl underneath the table to reach the coolers and get a soda, and when I stand back up, Leven is there, standing right in front of me, blonde hair tied up. She is wearing ratty old shorts and an old tank top, and she looks flawless. How unfair. I start to get a little nervous as she stands there looking at me, tucking a straw curl behind her ear. I know she’s probably mad at me.

But I’m mad at her too, and I think I have a right to be. I’m mad that she interrupted my dinner with Alex. I’m mad that she accused me of being Alex’s toy, the girl she thought he was cheating on her with. I’m mad that Alex picked her over me. I know life isn’t fair, but I can’t seem to be able to catch a break here.

She clears her throat. “Is. I’m… I’m sorry.”

I blink at her, kind of confused. I thought she was going to yell at me. “What?”

Leven looks around quickly, and pulls me off to the side, to a corner where it is quiet. “Look.” Her voice is low. “I know it was a bitchy move of me to pull, crashing your dinner like that. And I do trust you.” She stops, and nervously plays with her necklace, sliding the charm - I can’t see what it is - back and forth on its chain. “I don’t know why I did it, but it was a bitch move, and I’m sorry.”

I don’t say anything. I can’t say anything. I just look down at my Chucks, hair falling down around my face. I want to say something. I’m starting to feel bad for her. She looks so nervous and sorry and almost scared. I almost want to laugh. Like there’s anything I could do or say that could ever hurt Leven. 

"Isabelle." She sounds insistent now, and the tone in her voice is enough to make me look up at her. "I don’t want to lose you. I’m sorry. You’re one of my best friends, and I can’t lose you."

I smile. “I know, Lev. I feel the same way, okay?” She smiles down at me, hooking her arms around my neck. I wrap mine around her waist as we walk back towards the group. “It’s okay, Lev.” I whisper to her, just before she lets go of me and goes to sit down beside Alex, resting her head in his lap. He looks up at me, and I hold his gaze for just a moment, before turning my back on him and walking over to Jackie.

Overall, it’s a pretty good night. At one point, Tara and Dayo get in a little fight - about what, I’m not sure, and I don’t think I want to know - and Kalia eats too many brownies and gets sick in the bathroom, but there are no other hiccups.

That’s what I thought anyways. 

Around one o’clock, we turn all the lights off and crawl into the pile of blankets. Everyone falls asleep almost instantly, except for me. I can hear Dayo snoring and Jackie mumbling in her sleep. I hear Leven turn over and sigh, nestling closer to Alex’s side, I’m sure. And all I can do is lie there in the silence and think.

I appreciate Leven’s apology. I’m actually glad she apologized. But she’s not the one I really wanted to talk to. I wanted to talk to Alex. Now that I’m calmer and not as angry, I wanted to listen to him, to hear him out, to have him tell me why he really did what he did. But he’s not making the effort, and I’m certainly not going to.

And that’s what I’m thinking when someone touches my shoulder and whispers, “Isabelle.” I’m so startled that I’m about to scream, but a hand covers my mouth, and I’m being pulled outside. A cool rush of air hits my face as the glass doors swing open, and we stand on the lawn in front of the training center, surrounded only by the chilly night breeze and the stars twinkling high above us.

"Alex!" I’m not even mad. I’m just surprised. I look up at him, and his eyes are brighter than any of the stars in the sky tonight.

He stands in front of me, so tall that I can’t see the moon behind him, even though I know it’s there. “Isabelle.”

"Alex…"

"Isabelle."

"For the love of God, Alex, what are we doing out here?"

He takes a deep breath. “We need to talk.”

"I agree."

"Okay. Well, first of all, what did Leven say to you?" He sets his jaw and looks down at me, unsmiling. I can feel myself getting upset. Why does he think he should know about my private conversation with his girlfriend? Just because they are dating does not mean he gets to know every aspect of her life. Or mine, for that matter. Especially mine. But I tell him anyways.

"It was nothing, Alex. She just apologized."

He is silent for a few moments, and then he walks a few feet away from me, back turned, head tilted up, looking at the sky. He is wearing sweatpants, but no shirt, and I can see his back muscles tense up. He exhales loudly, and looks back over to me. “Okay. Look.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I want to say that I’m sorry, but I… can’t.”

Okay. What the hell? I just raise my eyebrow at him and fold my arms. I’ve had just about enough of this. “Why is that, Alex?”

"Because." He walks up to me and stops right in front of me, inches away from me. I could reach out and touch him. I can feel the heat radiating from his bare chest. I look up at him. "Because I’m not sorry."

I can feel a lump form in my throat. “Well, that’s great. Thanks for telling me.” I whip around and try to walk away, but all of a sudden, he is right there in front of me again, blocking my exit.

"No, Isabelle. No, I didn’t mean it like that."

"Mean it like what?”

"I’m sorry I hurt you. Of course I’m sorry for that. But I’m not sorry I said what I said, because I had to do it."

I’m whispering now. “Why?”

"Because I have feelings for you, Isabelle. Real, legitimate feelings. And I can’t feel them because I’m with Leven, okay? I can’t. I know it’s not better this way, but I… I don’t know what to do."

I can’t say anything. The lump in my throat is huge, my palms are sweating, and I can barely breathe, much less talk. I swallow a couple times, push my hair behind my ear, and try to avoid his eyes. But I can’t, not for long. I have to look up at him because I can feel his eyes burning a hole in me. And when I do, I can’t look away. They’re so piercing and strong, and I feel almost like this is right.

Almost like what we’re about to do is right.

My suspicions are proved correct when Alex moves towards me, bringing his hands up to land lightly against my neck, his thumbs brushing my jaw, and he leans down to kiss me. His lips are soft against mine, and I slowly close my eyes, breathing him in. Just as I am about to put my arms around his neck, he pulls back and smiles at me.

It’s a small smile, and he doesn’t say anything, but it was an apology, a peace offering, a start. It is just what I needed.


	6. Two Pieces

_There’s a boy, lost his way looking for someone to play_

_There’s a girl in the window, tears rolling down her face_

_We’re only lost children, trying to find a friend_

_Trying to find our way back home_

When I walk back into the training center with Alex, I feel almost like I’m a different person. Like I changed in the five minutes we were outside under the stars together. He pushes open the glass doors for me and stops me in the lobby, out of sight of anyone who might be awake in the main room. We are illuminated by the moonlight streaming in behind us when Alex kisses me again, arms going around my waist and pulling me closer to him. When he pulls away and rests his forehead against mine, I keep my eyes closed. I don’t want this moment to end. I take a deep breath and I can smell evergreen and peppermint and vanilla. I take a few more deep breaths, wanting to remember this smell forever, before I open my eyes. When I do, I can see goosebumps forming on his bare skin, and I smile, reaching over to put my hand on his arm.

"Alex?"

"Yes, Isabelle?" He still has his forehead against mine, and he brings his hands up to the back of my neck, underneath my hair.

"Thank you."

He laughs. “Thank you for what?”

I reach out tentatively, and put my arms around his bare waist. I’m shaking a little bit; it’s kind of weird that I’m doing this. I’ve been falling for Alex since the day we got on set, and this seems almost like a dream. “Just for finally… seeing me, I guess.”

"Isabelle." His eyes stop twinkling at me, and his tone is serious. He pulls back a little. "I’ve always seen you. I only see you."

It’s exactly what I needed him to say. I don’t even think to ask about the status of his relationship with Leven. I don’t think to ask him what the status of our relationship is. I don’t think about what will happen tomorrow or the day after that or when we get back to Los Angeles. I’m completely in the moment.

Eventually, we have to go back to the others, who are all still fast asleep, sprawled across the floor, snoring, murmuring, kicking each other in their sleep. Alex gives me a quick kiss on the forehead before he heads over to the opposite side of the circle, pulling a blanket up over himself. I notice that there is a good foot of distance between himself and Leven. I slide under my blanket between Dayo and Jackie, and snuggle up next to her side. I fall asleep almost instantly, a smile on my face. 

* * * * * 

We are all bleary-eyed and a little wobbly from lack of sleep the next morning, Alex and I more than the others. When Nina comes in and wakes us all up at ten o’clock, I glance over in Alex’s direction, and he gives me a small smile. Jackie and I are folding up our blanket, and she catches me smiling down at it, but she doesn’t say anything. I’m guessing she’s pretty happy herself, since she got to sleep next to Jack all night. Not that I would ever say that to her.

We are shooting in the training center again today, but I don’t have any lines. The shots I am in basically consist of me standing around with Jack, Leven, and Alex, laughing at everyone who isn’t a Career. Every now and then, Alex glances at me out of the corner of his eye, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. It’s kind of a rush to know that we have this big secret, but as the day goes on and the sun gets brighter in the sky, the magic of our kiss under the moonlight starts to wear off, and by two o’clock, I am on my way to a full-on freak out.

I want to talk to Jackie about it. I know that I have to, because if I don’t, then I know I really will lose it. So as the two of us walk into the hotel lobby, sweaty and hot, I quickly weigh the cost versus benefits of telling her my secret. And when we get back to my hotel room, I tell her I need to talk to her.

Her face is serious as she sits down on my bed, and the tone of her voice is nervous as she asks me what’s going on. I take a deep breath and let it out. “Um… well, Alex and I kind of kissed last night.”

She doesn’t say anything. She just sits there, eyes wide, mouth slightly open, staring at me. I clear my throat, and shift uncomfortably from foot to foot, but I finally have to say her name before she utters a word. “You what?”

I back up and tell her the whole story. About the fight we got into after Alex broke into my room two nights ago. How I could he tell he was really pissed at me during the training center scenes we filmed yesterday. How he pulled me outside last night, told me he had feelings for me, and kissed me. My words hang in the air between us as she gets up and begins to pace. And I know that I’m in for it.

"He did what?” she screeches.

"Yep, there it is," I mumble under my breath. She doesn’t even hear me.

"What about Leven?"

"I don’t know."

"Well, are they still together?"

"I don’t know."

"Are they going to break up?"

"Jackie. "I don’t know." This shuts her up for a second, and she stops pacing and stands in front of me, looking me right in the eye.

"Are you okay?"

I sigh heavily. “Yes. I’m good.” But I take a minute to seriously consider her question. For the most part, I am fine. I’m happy actually. Because I never actually thought that someone like Alexander Ludwig would be interested in me. But at the same time, it’s not like he told me he was breaking up with Leven for me or anything. It’s already a complicated situation, because this is just as new for him as it is for me. We’re both just trying to figure it out.

She sits back down next to me, grabbing my hand. “If you’re happy, I’m happy. Okay?”

I smile at her. “Okay.”

* * * * *

But as the next few days progress, I get more unsure of the entire situation. Alex and Leven don’t seem like they’re breaking up. In fact, they seem even more like a couple, if that’s even possible. Alex doesn’t come to my room, he doesn’t talk to me in the training center, and he avoids me at meal times. He seems more distant than he was before. I don’t know if he is rethinking his decision to tell me his feelings, but I’m worried.

It’s until we coincidentally end up in the same place at the same time that I realize how worried he is too.

Apparently, all of our meetings happen outside after midnight. I am lying on the edge of the pool, feet floating in the water, looking up at the dark sky, lit with twinkling points of light. I couldn’t sleep, and I have tomorrow off, so instead of tossing and turning in my room, I came out here. I find it easier to think out here in the quiet North Carolinian night air, easier to wonder and dream and imagine. Easier to worry.

I am trying to find the Big Dipper amid the mass of stars when, all of a sudden, they are completely blocked out by the huge, dark shape looming above me. I sit up with a start, heart beating fast, but (as usual) it’s just Alex. He swallows noticeably, and I realize he’s nervous. “Can I sit?”

I nod. “Go ahead.” He lowers himself down next to me, kicking off his shoes so he can copy me, dangling his legs in the water.

"Feels nice."

The air is so fresh that you could drink it instead of breathing it, and it swirls around, wrapping us up in its breeze, the smell of the flowers surrounding us, drifting by on the wind. It picks up the petals falling from the dogwood trees, bringing them down to float in the water, spots of pink and white in the clear blue water.

The silence between us is comfortable, not awkward or tense. But after a little while, Alex clears his throat, and I know he’s ready to talk. He starts off strong. “I meant what I said, Belle.”

"Good." I lean over and pick up a petal floating near my calf, smoothing it out, translucent and pearly pink against my thigh. "So what now?"

Alex kicks at the water, sending drops arcing across the pool and ripples spreading across its surface. “What do you mean?”

I know he knows what I mean. “With Leven. With me. What now?”

He turns to face me. His eyes are an impossible color in the moonlight, gleaming, almost like they’re lit from within. “I don’t know what to do about Leven.”

"Yeah, I mean I noticed that."

"That’s not what I meant." He takes a deep breath. "What I mean is… you’re the one, Isabelle. You’re the one I want to be with. It’s just not that simple right now."

"Why?"

"I care about her too. I don’t feel the same way about her as I do for you, but she’s my friend at least. I want to be with you. But I need to figure out the right way to do this first."

"By do this, you mean… break up with her."

"Yeah."

I nod. I can understand that. And I appreciate the fact that Alex is trying to put Leven’s feelings first. But a small part of me, a voice in the back of my mind, tells me that maybe he’s just going to try to get away with keeping me on the side. Second place. A consolation prize. I shake the thought away. I know Alex. I know he wouldn’t do that.

"Belle," he says, taking my silence for hesitation. "I’m just asking that you have a little patience with me."

I scoot closer to him, shortening the distance between us from eight inches to nothing. “I’m not going anywhere,” I whisper.

He smiles, sliding his arms around my waist, his fingers warm as they brush over the strip of skin between the top of my shorts and the bottom of my tank top. “Thanks, Belle,” he whispers back, just before his lips touch mine. And he kisses me out there in the night, cool breeze drifting by, clear water dancing in front of us, hotel lit up behind us, dogwood petals floating by on the air.

We’re both just trying to figure things out, but I have a feeling that we’re on the right track.


	7. If I Lose Myself

_If I lose myself tonight, it’ll be by your side_

_If I lose myself tonight, it’ll be you and I_

For a few weeks, that is my only contact with Alex - meeting outside at night by the pool. I am tired all the time, but it’s worth it, because I’m so happy. We sit on the edge of the pool, feet in the water, every night for hours. We talk and we laugh and we kiss and we sit there looking up at the stars, his arm around me, my head on his shoulder. During the day, no one knows anything. No one suspects a thing. We hang out in a big group, but never by ourselves. We smile at each other in passing, never stopping to talk to each other. But the night is ours.

I don’t get tired of it. I sit up every night, waiting for all my cast mates to fall asleep, before I grab my keys and sneak out of my room, padding down the carpeted hall in my bare feet. I get outside, onto the patio, and I always see Alex sitting there, waiting for me. He always seems to sense me behind him, because he look over his shoulder at me, the moonlight shining off his hair. And he smiles at me, and I feel home.

If anyone knew what we were doing, they would be angry, I’m sure. Jackie would feel betrayed, because I hadn’t told her what’s going on. Jack and Dayo would be horrified, too over-protective of their “little sister.” And Leven… she would be downright pissed. Alex doesn’t bring her up that much. We talk about her every once in a while, but we never talk about their relationship. I know that we are sneaking around behind her back. I know that it is not nice, and I know I’m not being a good friend. I know that sooner or later Alex is going to have to tell her what’s going on, and I know that the longer he puts it off, the worse it’s going to be. And I know that the longer this goes on, the harder I am falling, head over heels, in love.

So one night, I bring it up. “Alex,” I say, as he has his arms around me, kissing my neck. “I think we need some rules.”

"Rules?" He snorts into the soft skin at the base of my neck. "Like what, Belle?"

I try shrugging him off, but he’s pretty persistent. I sigh, and he trails his lips up to my jawbone. “It’s been two weeks, Alex. I just…” I hesitate, and I feel him stop. He pulls back and looks at me.

"You’re wondering why I haven’t broken up with Leven." He leans back in, nuzzling my ear.

"Well… yeah." I reach up and rest my fingers on his wrist. "I mean, I’ve never been in this kind of situation before, and I don’t know how difficult this is for you, and I trust you completely, but…"

Alex smiles, and I trail off. “It’s okay, Belle. I understand.” I pull my legs out of the water, and turn to face him, cross-legged. He strokes my knee lightly. “I’m just worried because I know we’re here for a while. I don’t want things to be weird.”

"Okay, I-"

"I’ll do it tomorrow, Belle." He cuts me off. I just stare at him. I didn’t expect that kind of response.

"You… you will?"

"I will." Alex leans down pressing his forehead against mine, closing his eyes. "I promise, Belle. I’d do anything for you. For us." There is only breath between us, and then there is nothing at all as his mouth comes down over mine. His lips move softly against mine and he pulls me closer to him, right up against his chest. I can feel the heat radiating from him, enveloping me. I can taste coffee and cinnamon in his mouth. I can feel his fingers tracing the outline of my spine, traveling farther up my back, warm against my bare skin underneath my shirt. I barely even notice his arms tightening around my sides until he tips us both into the water. We land in the pool with a splash, and the water is just cool enough to shock me out of the trance Alex had me in.

"Alex!" I splutter as my head breaks the surface. He is laughing, water dripping off his long eyelashes, and as I look up at him, I am reminded of the night we all ended up in the pool, the night Alex and Leven made up. He swims over to me, catching me in his arms, and treads water, holding me up.

"Isabelle Fuhrman," he whispers in my ear. He keeps one arm locked around me, and he wipes some of the water off my face with his other hand. I look up at him, eyes wide. And then Alex crushes his mouth against mine. It is a more urgent kiss than the last. His fingers are twisted in my hair and I am gripping his muscular upper arms, keeping myself afloat. He slides one hand down my back, his fingers stopping to trace the outline of my shoulder blade before traveling down to the bottom of my shirt. He is just slipping his fingers underneath the hem, the warmth of his fingers on my stomach contrasting with the cool water, and I am considering letting him continue instead of swatting his hand away when we hear a deep voice.

"Holy shit." I push away from Alex quickly, whipping my head around to see Dayo standing there, jaw dropped, eyes wide, speechless. "Holy SHIT!" he repeats.

"Oh my God." I swim towards the side of the pool and pull myself out onto dry ground as fast as I can. "Oh my God, Dayo, it’s not what you think, it’s just-"

Alex appears behind me, resting his hand on the small of my back. “Dayo, we-“

"HOLY SHIT!" His voice is getting louder, and I silently will him to shut the hell up.

"Dayo." I take a step toward him, and that’s when I realize that he doesn’t look mad or horrified or anything. Actually, he’s smiling. Wait, what? "Dayo?"

"Holy shit, this is great!" He takes two big steps towards us and hugs me.

"What?" Alex asks, sounding just as confused as I feel.

"You two are together!" Dayo sounds somewhere just north of ecstatic.

"No, no, no," I correct quickly. "We aren’t together. We just…" I trail off, looking at Alex for support.

"We’re working it out." Alex smiles down at me, and I can feel a grin tugging at the corners of my mouth. I look back up at Dayo.

"Yeah," I echo softly. "We’re working it out."

"Oh my God," Dayo says, not seeming to be able to grasp what is going on. "This is awesome."

Alex snorts. “Why?”

"You’re supposed to be together!"

"We what?" I raise my eyebrows at him.

"Everyone knows it." Dayo clears his throat. "Well, everyone except for Leven, that is."

I look over at Alex, and then quickly down at the ground. I really hope Dayo doesn’t ask about the status of Alex and Leven’s relationship. And he doesn’t. He just tells us that he’ll leave us alone, and goes back into the hotel. As soon as he leaves, Alex pulls me to him, kissing me one more time before he lets me go back to my room, where I replace my wet clothes with dry ones, climb into bed, and fall asleep dreaming of Alex.

* * * * *

The next morning, I wake up nervous. I know that Alex said he was going to break up with Leven today, that he was going to tell her it was over, but there are a lot of variables to that equation. Who knows how she’ll take it? Or maybe Dayo already told someone and she’s heard it secondhand. She’ll be pissed at me, that’s for sure. And I know Alex was right - I don’t want to be on a set where things are awkward for the rest of the summer. We all live together, we work together, we spend every waking minute together. I don’t want Leven to hate me.

We have a day off today, so at least I’ll be able to avoid her if I need to. Jackie, Amandla, and I were planning to go downtown and have lunch, so I drag myself out of bed and to the shower. It takes me longer than normal to wash my hair because I have to work shampoo through the dozens of tangles in my hair. That’s the last time I will go to bed with wet hair without combing through it first, I tell myself. By the time I get done in the bathroom, combing out my hair and blow-drying it, it’s already eleven o’clock, and Jackie and Amandla should be waiting for me in the lobby. I quickly throw on a pair of light wash jean shorts and a flowy pink tank top adorned with a silver butterfly, and grab my bag, running downstairs.

Once Jackie and Amandla see me, they pop up from the chairs they’ve been sitting in. I am suddenly inexplicably worried that they’ve talked to Dayo, and I am really hoping he hasn’t said anything to either of them. But I realize as they run towards me that they wouldn’t look so happy if they knew about it. The two of them race over to me, throwing their arms around me and screaming their hellos. They drag me out onto the sun-warmed sidewalk as they talk about where they want to go. As they decide on the little café down the street, I look back over my shoulder and see Alex and Leven walking away from us down the street. There is daylight between them, and Leven looks tense, speaking angrily, nudging Alex when she can tell he’s not paying attention. I wonder if he’s told her yet. As I think this, Alex looks back and sees me staring at him. He is still close enough that I can see him smile and wink at me. Unfortunately, Leven sees him do it too, and she turns around to see what he’s looking at. And she sees me, and the look in her eyes cuts right through me. Jackie and Amandla grab my arms and pull me around the corner, and I lose sight of Alex and Leven.

We have a good time at lunch. Jackie and Amandla spend most of the time plotting their next prank on Alex, Dayo, and Jack, which involves impersonating two crazed high-school stalker fan girls. They sound pretty excited about it and pretty pleased with themselves, but I don’t hear much of what they’re saying. I’m too preoccupied thinking about Alex and Leven: where they are, what they’re doing, what the might be talking about. And Jackie and Amandla are too preoccupied with their prank to realize how distracted I am.

The three of us spend the rest of the afternoon downtown, browsing through bookstores and searching through secondhand shops, looking for anything cool and vintage we can get our hands on. But by five o’clock, we realize it’s time to meet the rest of our cast mates for dinner. We all try to have dinner together at least once a week, per Gary’s request. Most of us are normally together all the time anyways, but it is hard to get us all in the same room.

Jack and Dayo pick us up at Barnes and Noble, and we all drive to Red Stag Grill. There are twenty-five of us, and we take up all the tables in the back room. By the time the five of us get there, everyone else is there – even Jen and Josh, who were working today. They both look exhausted, but Jen is already whining about how hungry she is. Dayo goes to sit by Tara, Amandla settles in by Willow, and Jack pulls out a chair for Jackie across from Jen and sits down beside her. I look around and see that the only empty chairs are the two on either side of Alex, and my heart jumps. I clear my throat and look around nervously, then slip into the chair next to him.

When I look at Alex, I realize he looks kind of nervous. Before I can even get a chance to ask him what’s wrong, I see Leven saunter into the room, blonde hair down and loose and soaking up all the light in the room. My heart immediately starts beating faster, and I can feel my palms getting sweaty. Is she mad at me? Is she going to yell at me? Will she even talk to me? My train of thought is interrupted when she walks right over to us, sits down next to Alex, and smacks a kiss on his cheek. And that’s when I realize why Alex looks so nervous – he didn’t break up with Leven.

I can’t get any words out, and the emotions flashing through my head are quick and endless. They start at betrayed and end at pissed, with anger, sadness, confusion, denial, and shock in between. I know that everything I am feeling registers plainly on my face. I want to get up. I want to run out. I want to yell and scream and swear. I want Alex to feel exactly what I’m feeling right now. I want him to hurt like I’m hurting. I want him to feel as betrayed as I feel. But I can’t, not without everyone else finding out what’s going on. So I take a deep breath, and turn to Dakota on my other side.

I order my food. I drink my water. I talk to Dakota and Ashton and Ian. I watch Jackie smile and blush at what Jack says to her. I watch Dayo and Tara flirt with each other. I see Josh and Jen get into a fight over the last bread roll before Liam breaks it up. I watch Amandla, Willow, Kalia, and Kara giggle into their hands as Ethan and Imanol make faces at them. I laugh. I smile. I exchange sarcastic glances with Tara and Annie over the table. From an outsider’s perspective, I am totally fine. But inside, I am dying to talk to Jackie. I am dying to ask Alex what the hell he is doing. But I can’t. I just have to wait.

I do my best to look straight ahead at Tara and Annie, or to my right at Ian, Kalia, Amandla, Willow, Kara, Ashton, Imanol, Ethan, and Dakota. I refuse to even turn my head to the left, keeping Alex and Leven out of my sight. But I am looking over at Jackie, trying to catch her eye and tear her attention away from Jack, when I see Leven lean over in her chair, hook her arm around Alex’s neck, and kiss him full on the mouth. Everyone at the table starts hooting and hollering, and all I can do is get up, drop my napkin on my barely-touched salad, and walk out the door, not looking back.

I barely make it to the bathroom before the first tear slides down my face, landing on my tank top and leaving a wet spot. After that, the tears come fast and hard, until I am sitting on the cold tile, back against the wall, tears streaming down my cheeks, gasping for air, the taste of salt and heartbreak in my mouth. It’s not until someone bangs on the door and I hear Jackie’s voice on the other side that I stop crying long enough to get up and twist the knob, cracking open the door. She lets herself in, pushing past me and looking horrified at my emotional state. It is a testament to our friendship that when I sit back down on the floor, Jackie plops down next to me, crossing her legs and grabbing the tissue box from next to the sink. She hands me a wad of Kleenex and I blow my nose. I keep my eyes trained on my lap, because I know how red and swollen my face must be.

“Isabelle.” Jackie’s voice is soft, but firm. “You need to tell me everything. Now.”

So I do. She already knows about the kiss with Alex outside the training center, so I pick up from there. I tell her all about the past two weeks. About meeting Alex by the pool every night. How he promised me he was going to break up with Leven, telling me over and over that they were done, that he wanted to be with me, about his decision to do it today and his subsequent failure. About how I feel – felt – when I am with him, like I’ve never been safer or more at home with anyone. Even about Dayo catching us in the pool and how excited he was. I tell her how stupid I feel. I pour my heart out to her, there on the probably germ-infested bathroom floor. And I realize, as she holds me and lets me cry into her shirt, that life is an ugly, awful place not to have a best friend, and I am overcome with gratefulness for mine. But I know that she’s trying to be calm for me, that under the surface she is seething, disgusted, ready to give Alex a piece of her mind, and I can only hope that she waits to do it until I am far away from here.


	8. Runaway

_The road below our wheels, all that we fought to heal_

_You close your eyes and cry, dying for the right to feel_

_I hear it coming down, oh the sweetest sound_

_Of forgotten tears falling on the solid ground_

_Nobody knows the trouble we’ve seen_

_Nobody knows the price of this dream_

_And nobody knows what it took to believe_

A few minutes later, Jackie and I are joined in the bathroom by Dayo and Jack, who bang on the door until Jackie gets up and screams, “What the hell do you want?!” at them. They squeeze past her, take one look at me, and sit down beside me. Dayo puts his arms around me, puling me to his side, and I bury my face into his chest, leaving huge wet spots as I cry. Jack paces around the bathroom, threatening to give Alex a piece of his mind. I hear Jackie ask him how he knew what happened, and I realize before he even says it that Dayo must have figured it out and told him. Eventually, Jack sits down on my other side, putting his hand on my knee, and Jackie plops back down in front of me, grabbing my hand and holding it tightly. And the three of them sit there with me and wait until I can’t cry anymore, until I get up off the floor, splash cold water on my face, and compose myself. They walk with me back to our cast mates, flanking me, a shield against the things I don’t think I can face.

When we walk back in the room, everyone stops talking and looks up at us. “What?” Jackie shrugs, speaking for all of us. The look in her eyes is enough to make all of our cast mates turn their attention back to their plates. I spend the rest of our dinner in silence, ignoring Alex’s piercing glare from next to me, burning into the side of my face. After the bill is paid, Jackie rushes me out the door before Alex and Leven even stand up.

My sleep that night is restless and gives birth to nightmares. Images of Alex and Leven flash through my head, and I toss and turn, getting tangled up in my sheets. I dream over and over that I tell Alex to pick me, choose me, and he doesn’t, just laughing in my face and anchoring Leven to his side with his arm. She narrows her eyes at me and snorts derisively. “Why would he ever pick you, Isabelle?” She raises a perfectly plucked eyebrow and purses her lips. “Why would he ever pick you when he could have me?”

Alex’s voice is condescending, even more so than Leven’s. “I like you, Belle. I just don’t like you enough.”

I wake up with a start, soaked in sweat and straitjacketed by my sheets. I go to the bathroom, turn on the shower, and let it fill the room with steam before I step underneath the stream of water. I stand there for a long time, eventually sinking down onto the floor, putting my head in my hands. I stay that way until the water runs cold and I’m not thinking anymore. I know I’ll be dead on my feet tomorrow; we’re shooting all day and night. I try not to think about the fact that I’ll have to spend an extended amount of time alone with Alex and Leven, with only Josh and Jack as a buffer. I know that they’ll try and do the best they can to distract me, but the truth is that without Jackie, I’m really on my own. She’s the only one who knows everything.

I try to go back to sleep, but I don’t fall asleep for more than an hour before I am woken up by another nightmare. After the third time this happens, I give up completely, and throw on a sweatshirt over my tank top before going outside to the pool, just like I had been doing for the past thirteen days. I sit down in a chair next to the pool, pulling my sweatshirt over my knees, stretching it out.

I close my eyes and rest my head on my knees, and try not to let any more tears leak out. It’s a nice night out, probably one of the best since we’ve been here, but it just makes me sad. I hear a crash and hear someone swear, lifting my head up from my knees. I see Alex on the other side of the pool, sprawled on the ground, an overturned table by his feet. He stands up, brushing himself off and examining the blood trickling down his knee. That’s when he sees me sitting there, watching him, and he tentatively takes a step in my direction. When I don’t move, he hurries over and sits down beside me.

“Belle, can we talk?”

“If you must.” I rest my head on my knees again, looking over at him.

“Look, I’m really—”

“DON’T!” I snap. “Don’t even say you’re sorry. I don’t want sorry.”

“What do you want then?”

“I want you to go back and try again,” I hiss at him. “But you can’t do that. You made your choice, Alex. You made your choice.”

“Isabelle, I can’t even explain—”

“Why?” I can’t look at him. I keep my gaze locked on the moonbeams reflecting off the surface of the pool. “Just tell me why.”

“I tried, Belle.” Alex’s voice is surprisingly earnest. “I was there. I was looking right at her. I had the words in my mouth. I wanted to do it.”

“You didn’t.”

“I know. I…” He trails off, and I’m not sure he even knows what he’s trying to say. “I don’t know what happened.”

I shake my head, stretching my legs out. “You know, it’s amazing what you can convince yourself of.” He opens his mouth, but I don’t give him a chance to cut me off. “I convinced myself that you actually cared about me. I convinced myself that when you promised me we would be together, you actually meant it. I convinced myself that I knew you, when actually we don’t know each other. We don’t know each other at all. We just work together. We don’t know anything about each other. And I believed that you were the person I thought you were.”

“Belle, I am. I am exactly who you think I am.”

“No, you aren’t. Because the person I thought you were would never do this.”

“I know you, Belle. I know that you would rather read a book than watch TV. I know that you understand Clove better than anyone else in the world, except for maybe Suzanne Collins and Cato. I know that you like being outside at night because you think that the moonlight changes everything. I know that you love penguins because they mate for life. I know that you can sing really well, but you won’t because you’re too shy. I know that you love your family more than anything. I know how you like your coffee. I know what you like for breakfast. I know that you will work until you drop. I know that you are hell bent on seeing a bear before we get out of here.” He gets up and takes my hand, pulling me up with him. “I know that you love the smell of dogwood petals.” He puts his palms against my face, looking right down into my eyes. “I know that you don’t like to dress up. But I also know how beautiful you are when you do.” He brings his face down to mine, whispering, “I know how you make me feel, like I could be a better person. Like there’s more out there for me.” And then he is kissing me. Half of me wants to give in, to kiss him back, but the other half, the stronger half, wants to push him away and I do. But I don’t realize how hard I push him until he stumbles backwards and falls into the pool with a huge splash. Alex looks shocked, as if he couldn’t believe I just did that, and he just stands there in the pool, staring at me.

“You DON’T know me, Alex. You don’t know anything about me.” I turn on my heel and start to walk away.

I hear him say, “Belle, please.”

So I turn around and say, “Don’t, Alex. Just stay away from me. I don’t want to talk to you. Ever again.”

And I walk away, even though it hurts, even though it breaks my heart. I walk away and I don’t look back.

* * * * *

Morning comes too early. After I left the pool, I went back to my room, laid down, and tried to sleep, drifting in and out of consciousness. When my alarm went off at six o’clock, I had to drag myself out of bed and into some clean clothes before stumbling downstairs for breakfast. I walk into the hotel’s dining room and see an empty seat by Jack and Dayo. So I load up my plate with fruit and toast before hurrying over to sit between them.

“Hey Belle,” Jack says to me, mouth full of bacon. I smile at him and shake out my napkin, settling it on my lap. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah.” I clear my throat, looking up at him. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

And I do feel better. I’m still heartbroken. I still feel betrayed and hurt. But I stood up to Alex. I told him how I feel. And I am proud of myself for doing it. Dayo reaches over and snatches a grape off my plate, throwing it across the table at Tara. She screeches and throws one back. It escalates into a full-on food fight between the two of them, Jack, Jackie, Ashton, Ian, and Mackenzie, before Nina comes over and threatens to take away their breakfast privileges. I am pushing back my chair and heading up to the buffet table to get some more grapes since all of mine were used as ammunition when I see my mom walk into the door and look around.

I run over to her and she hugs me. I feel almost like a little kid again. I fit comfortably into her arms, and she smells like vanilla, watermelon, and fabric softener, a combination of scents that reminds me of my childhood, of the times my mom held me while I cried after I fell off my bike or did badly on a test or didn’t get the part I wanted. And it feels right that now, after I’ve had my heart broken for the very first time, my mom is here to wipe away my tears and make it all better.

“Hey Is.” She releases me and smooths my hair. “How are you?”

“I’m fine.” I look up at her. I know she can tell I’m not happy, but she doesn’t say anything.

“Mama Fuhrman!” Jack and Dayo yell from our table, standing up and coming over to us. She hugs them both, exclaiming over how tall they both are, telling them that they’re both too skinny. Before long, most of the cast is crowded around us. Everyone loves my mom. After everyone disperses back to their tables to finish their breakfasts, my mom turns back to me.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re doing okay. Not overworking yourself or anything.”

I sigh, shaking my head. “Mom, I’m fine. I promise.”

“Okay, kiddo. I just wanted to make sure. And if you feel like you need some time away, just call me, okay?”

“Okay, Mom. I will.”

She kisses my forehead and turns to go. By now, all of my cast mates are done with their food and are getting up, gathering their things, heading towards the door. I see Alex and Leven at the far end of the table, standing up together, and I slip out the door and wait in the lobby until Jackie emerges, my bag over her shoulder.

“You ready to go, Is?” She throws her arm around my shoulder, resting her head against mine. I nod, and she steers me towards her car, Jack and Dayo behind us. I have to fight Jack off to get the front seat, but my inner Clove pays off, because as Jackie pulls out of the parking lot, I am sitting next to her and Jack is in the backseat, pouting.

We have a big day ahead of us. First, we are going to be shooting the short scene inside the hovercraft where we get the trackers injected in our arms. Then we are shooting the scene where the Careers – me, Josh, Jack, Leven, and Alex – trap Jen up in the tree. Tonight, after it gets dark, we are finishing up the Katniss in the tree scene, and doing the small scene where we kill Mackenzie, the District 8 girl. I’m excited because it’s a lot of big scenes for me, but I’m also dreading it, because it’s a lot of time, close up and personal, with Alex and Leven.

Jackie parks as close to Trailer Row as she can, and we split off from Jack and Dayo to go to hair and makeup. Unfortunately, Leven is also in our trailer, and I haven’t talked to her in a while. I’m kind of scared to talk to her, because I don’t know what she knows. Does she know that Alex and I were hanging out so much? Does she know he was talking about breaking up with her? Does she know how close Alex and I were? Does she know how I feel about him? She must know something, because I remember how she looked at me on the sidewalk outside the hotel. She didn’t look happy. I have Jackie there as a buffer, but I feel like maybe Leven and I should talk things out. I can’t spend the next sixteen hours with her if I think she’s mad at me.

I settle myself down into Nicki’s chair and she picks up her brush, combing out the knots in my hair. “Hello darling,” she chirps, wide awake. I see the thermos of coffee sitting on the vanity in front of me and grab.

“Nic, can I have some?”

“Go ahead, hon. I know you’ve got a crazy day ahead of you.”

I take a huge sip, wincing a little at the temperature, but grateful that Nicki takes her coffee the same way I do – lots of milk and sugar. I close my eyes and lean back, enjoying the feel of her brush against my scalp, almost like a head massage. She expertly twists my hair up into Clove’s iconic ponytail, snapping hair ties up and down it, slipping in pins and using so much hairspray I think my head might light on fire if I got too close to a flame. As she is finishing up, my makeup artist Renae comes over and begins quickly layering powder on my face. Once they’re both done, they shoo me out of the trailer. I’m the first one done, a testament to Nicki and Renae’s expertise, but Leven catches up to me as I’m walking down Trailer Row towards the wardrobe trailer.

“Isabelle!” She calls out behind me, and my Clove ponytail smacks me in the face as I whip my head around, not used to the weight of it. “Isabelle. We need to talk.”

I take a deep breath, heart pounding. “We do?”

Leven tosses her head, her bangs loose in front of her face, hair woven into two pigtails underneath her ears. “I think so.” She puts her hand on my shoulder, and I stop, turning to face her. It’s not even seven-thirty and it’s sweltering hot out. It’s gonna be a great day. “Okay. So I know things are weird between us.”

“I feel like we’ve had this conversation before.” I immediately regret saying it, and Leven looks annoyed.

“Look, I don’t know what the hell is going on with you and Alex, but he goes around pouting and pissy and nothing even happens with us anymore—”

“Leven, EW.”

“Sorry. But whatever happened between you two, fix it.”

“It’s not my problem. And nothing even happened,” I add quickly, not wanting to tip her off. I don’t think she knows that Alex was kind of cheating on her, and I would rather she didn’t.

“Isabelle, please just do something. He is miserable to be around.”

I sigh heavily. “Um. Okay. I’ll figure it out.”

“Thanks, little sis.” She tugs on the end of my ponytail and bounds off to Alex’s trailer. I shake my head, not wanting to think about what they’re doing in there.

I get to Wardrobe, and they give me my pants and boots and dark red t-shirt, bagging up my tribute jacket since I won’t need it for the hovercraft scene. Once I am all dressed and up to wardrobe’s standards, I leave the trailer and stand outside, looking around for Jackie. I don’t see Jackie anywhere. Jen and Josh are running the opposite way down Trailer Row, probably late. Amandla and Tara dart into Amandla’s trailer, already dressed and ready. The shades on Alex’s trailer are drawn tightly shut. I start walking towards my own when Jack and Dayo start yelling my name out the window of Jack’s trailer. I go over to join them, stepping inside where it’s nice and cool, the air conditioner running full blast. They are sprawled out on the floor, playing Bullshit with Ashton and Ian.

“Little Fuhrman!” Ian pats the rug next to him. “Come join us.”

“Now that Is is here, we can start over, right?” Ashton throws down his cards. It looks like he is holding most of the deck.

“You just want to start over because you suck at this game, Moio,” Dayo snorts. Ashton starts gathering up all the cards and shuffling them, counting them out between us. I pick mine up and start organizing them, putting them in order from lowest to highest. I see Jack leaning over, surreptitiously trying to look at my cards.

“Hey!” I squeal, pulling them against my chest. He grins, tapping my knee with his knuckles.

“Izzy has the two of clubs. She starts,” he announces with a grin.

I throw down my two and wait for Ian to go. I call bullshit on Ashton’s fours and laugh as he gets mad. After a little while, Jackie joins us, dragging Amandla and Tara behind her. The three of us proceed to win every game of Bullshit before we are called by Production to our first scene.

The inside of the hovercraft is set up inside the training center. The only exterior shot of it is shown when Jen is walking towards it, which they haven’t figured out yet, so all we have to do is sit there and be quiet. They usher us all into our seats, and we sit there, legs dangling, not touching the ground. Jen is right next to me, Ethan on the other side of her, then Dayo, Jack, and Tara. Directly across from me is little Amandla. Jackie is next to her, across from Jen. Next to Jackie is Ian. Alex and Leven are sitting next to each other, and Ashton is on the end.

“Rolling, A camera!” one of the sound guys calls out and I straighten up, grabbing the supports in front of me like we’re on a roller coaster. I do my best to avoid looking over at Alex and Leven, but it’s a small space.

“And action!” Gary calls out, looking at the monitor.

Katie, the hovercraft technician, walks up to Amandla. “Give me your arm,” she says in a cold voice, holding out her hand. Katie pushes the injector against Amandla’s arm and pretends to press a button. Next to me, Jen cranes her neck, trying to see around Katie. Jackie is completely in character, looking around nervously. Next to her, Ian bites his lip and swallows as Katie turns to him.

“What is that?” Jen asks as Katie walks up to her. Her voice borders on frantic. Katie repeats the process, holding the injector tight to Jen’s skin.

"Your tracker,” Katie says after a beat.

Then the lights go off, and the blue interior lights flicker on. We all look around and it’s impossible to avoid Alex’s eyes. So instead of looking away, I just do what Clove would do. He’s Cato, not Alex. I hold his gaze and smirk, looking back at Jackie. Jen looks over at me.

“Cut!” Gary yells. “Isabelle, Alex, that was good. Good character development. Keep doing that.” And we do it, again and again, until meeting Alex’s gaze almost isn’t painful anymore.

Most of the crew is a little tense because they know we have an incredibly long day ahead of us, but we are all pretty hyper. Most of us have had a couple days off, and I for one, am glad to be back. Jen cannot keep it together, and once she starts laughing, the rest of us do too. It doesn’t help that Jackie and Amandla are sitting right across from me. I’m lucky that Clove is kind of sadistic, because she doesn’t have to be nervous like everyone else.

After a few more takes, Gary decides that he likes what he has, and we all get to get up. Jackie grabs my hand and drags me out of the training center. We end up at crafty (of course), steaming cups of coffee in one hand, doughnuts in the other. We sit in the training center, eating our second breakfasts of the day, watching crew members dismantle the hovercraft so that Jen can do her next scene, where she shoots an arrow at the apple in the pig’s mouth. Jen is rushed to Wardrobe so that she can change into her training outfit, and Gary shoos the rest of us out, telling us to be ready when the vans come to take us out to the woods.

“Do you think we could lay out and tan?” Jackie asks, shielding her eyes from the sun as we step outside.

I laugh. “You won’t. You’ll just burn.”

We end up inside my trailer, eating ice cream straight out of the container. “You know, Gary would kill us if he knew we were just eating this like this,” I say, my mouth full of mint chocolate chip.

“Yeah,” Jackie snorts. “Remember the first week? When he told us all to watch what we eat.”

“We all failed at that.”

We sit in silence for a little while, until Jackie speaks up. “Are you nervous for later?”

I know exactly what she is referring to. “Yeah. But at least Josh and Jack and Jen will be there. I mean, I guess they’ll body block Lev if she tries to hit me or something.”

Jackie laughs. “I wish I could be there too.”

“I know. Me too.”

When I finally get the call telling me they are ready to go, I get up and stretch, walking out the door onto Trailer Row. Jackie follows me, but when we get to the parking lot, she goes to her car to wait for Amandla so they can go back to the hotel. I have to get into a van with Jack, Leven, Josh, Jen, and Alex. I get in and look around for a place to sit. Jen grabs my arm and pulls me over next to her into the seat between her and Josh. Jack, Leven, and Alex sit across from us, and I find myself again having to avoid his eyes. It’s weird to go this long without talking to him, and I wonder if I’ll ever get used to that.

I stretch my legs out, putting my boots in Jack’s lap. “Izzy-bella,” he sings. “You ready to do some running?”

I groan and rest my head on the back of my seat. “No, and you know it.” We have to run across the rocks by the river, and Gary has taken us out there a few times. And almost every single time, I’ve fallen. The rocks are slippery, and I’m naturally clumsy, a bad combination.

“Don’t worry, Is.” Josh smirks, slinging his arm around my shoulder. “We’ll catch you when you bite it.”

Jen laughs. “I kind of feel lucky that I only have to climb that tree.”

“Yeah, but if we mess up, then you have to climb the tree over and over and over and over and—”

“Well then don’t mess up, Merquaid!” Jen sticks her tongue out at Jack, cutting him off.

It’s not a long ways out to the spot in the woods where we’ll be filming, but it feels long. We get dropped off in the clearing where the giant metal Cornucopia is set up and walk over to where Gary wants us. Wardrobe gives us our jackets and we begrudgingly put them on, but I refuse to zip mine up – it is just way too hot. Gary gives us some last minute instructions, remind us when to run and to stay on the path marked out for us so that we don’t fall (“Isabelle!” everyone yells out) and to improvise lines while we’re running. Then he steps back out of the way.

“Steadicam, rolling!”

“A camera, rolling.”

“B camera, rolling!”

“And… action!”

We all emerge from the woods onto the flat expanse of rocks in front of us, laughing and yelling. Our faces light up as we see Jen submerged in the water. She scrambles out right on cue, and we run towards her. I am concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other when I see Jack disappear off to my left. “Cut!” Gary calls, and I look over to see Jack lying on his back on the ground, arms and legs sprawled out. Alex and Josh are practically on their hands and knees on the ground in hysterics, and even most of the crew, Gary included, are having a hard time keeping smiles off their faces. “Jack? You okay?” Gary calls.

“Yes!” Jack groans, looking straight up at the sky. Leven and I help him up, trying not to giggle.

“Okay, let’s reset.” The Steadicam operators begin bringing the huge camera back on its track and I laugh at Jack as he dances around. This time, everything goes much more smoothly, and we make it across the rocks with no problem. Alex jumps over a log, and we all follow him, racing after Jen.

“Where you going, baby?” Alex yells out, as Jen begins scrambling up the tree. She makes it look so easy. I know that there are hand and footholds disguised as bumps in the tree, but I tried to climb it once for fun and I couldn’t do it half as fast as she can. “Where you going girl on fire?” Alex yells again as she is halfway up the tree. She stops.

“We got her!” Leven squeals, almost sadistically. “That’s not gonna help you up there, Katniss!”

Alex grips his sword, starting towards the tree and climbing up. “Come on, Cato! Kill her, Cato!” I yell, looking up at him.

“Go, go!” Jack yells from next to me, and I almost start laughing.

“I’m coming for you!” Alex yells, and he puts his foot on the branch that I know is designed to break when puts his weight on it. And sure enough, the branch snaps with a loud crack, and Alex falls hard to the ground, flat on his back. I know that there is a mat camouflaged underneath the leaves, but it still looks like it hurts. Alex stands up, wincing almost unnoticeably.

Leven looks pissed. “I’ll do it myself.” She pushes Alex out of the way and pulls a silver arrow out of the quiver on her back, stringing it on her bow and letting it fly up towards Jen. It misses by a mile, and I smirk. Clove would smirk, right? Alex grabs it from her. “Get her!” Leven hisses. He misses too, and I touch my knives.

“Maybe you should throw the sword!” Jen calls down. I can see Jack trying not to laugh next to me, and I kick his ankle, immediately sobering him up.

Josh speaks up, clearing his throat. “Let’s just wait her out.” We all turn to look at him. “She’s gotta come down at some point. It’s either that or starve to death. We’ll kill her then.”

“Okay.” Alex shrugs, turning. “Somebody make a fire.” He walks away and we all follow.

“Cut!”

“Thank God,” Alex moans. “That killed my back.”

“Sorry, Alex,” Gary calls. “It was good. Let’s do it a couple more times, just to be safe.” So we do.

Finally, Jen slides down from the tree for what is hopefully the last time. Some PA’s rush over and give us all big bottles of water, and I gulp mine gratefully. We wait as Gary reviews the film. Jack comes up to me as I’m standing with Jen, laughing. He puts his arm around me and I hug him. “Good job today, Is. You didn’t even fall.”

Jen bursts out laughing. “How is your backside feeling?”

“It feels great, thanks for asking.”

And then Alex walks over to us, leaving Leven behind, talking to Josh. “Hey guys.” He looks at me, and I look down.

“Sup, Ludwig?” Jen pinches his arm playfully. “What do you think they’re going to get us for dinner?”

We all laugh at that. Of course Jen is thinking about dinner. Leven and Josh come over to our circle, and the six of us stand there, talking and laughing. I see Alex’s eyes fall on me frequently, more frequently than he’s looking at Leven, that’s for sure. I try to look at Josh or Jen or Jack, anyone but Alex, but it’s like he’s a big magnet, and as much as I try to stay away, he keeps pulling me towards him. Almost like the universe keeps pulling us closer, just waiting for us to see that we’re meant to be together.


	9. Payphone

_Yeah I know it’s hard to remember the people we used to be_

_It’s even harder to picture that you’re not here next to me_

_You say it’s too late to make it, but is it too late to try?_

_And in our time that you wasted, all of our bridges burned down_

It is a beautiful night. The perfect temperature, not hot anymore, but not too cold either. The stars are bright, piercing through the velvety black of the sky, twinkling far above us, looking down. The breeze blowing by us carries a smell unique to the woods, a smell of pine and overturned dirt and clear, fresh river water. I sit with my back against the rough bark of the tree Jen is perched in, and look up at the moon, which I can just make out through the leaves moving above us. Alex was right – I do think that the moonlight changes everything. It makes things look mysterious, softer, almost magical even. And as I sit under the tree, the voices of my cast mates rising up around me, I think about all the nights I sat next to Alex by the pool. And I wonder if it was the moonlight that made me fall so hard for him, if he seemed so mysterious and special and magical because of our surroundings, because we’re so far from Los Angeles, because out there at night under the moon, anything could have happened. But as I glance over at him now, to where he’s sitting in a circle with Leven and Jen, laughing, I know that it wasn’t just the moon. He really is something else.

Jack is sitting next to me, and he elbows me in the ribs, bumping his knee against mine. “What are you thinking about, Izzykins?”

I sigh, glaring up at him. “Don’t call me that. And I’m not thinking about anything.”

“You’re lying,” he says cheerfully. “I can tell.”

I open my mouth, not sure what to say, but I am saved by Gary, who claps his hands loudly to get our attention. “Alright, ladies and gents. Let’s get these scenes done so we can go home.”

I stand up, brushing off my pants. The Assistant Director and Nina come over and begin moving us around and telling us what to do. She directs Josh and Jack under the tree, and they roll around in the dirt and leaves until they get comfortable. Alex and Leven are positioned across from Jack and Josh, next to each other. Finally, Nina gets to me, sitting me down in the middle, between the two groups of people, farthest from the fire, almost on the outskirts. Gary calls action and three cameras are on us. There is nothing scripted; we’re supposed to just “act like Careers.”

Alex, propped up on one elbow, brings his sword up in front of him, putting it in the fire until it turns orange, glowing brightly in the dark. He spits on it, and it sizzles, drowning out the sounds of the crickets around us.

Leven snorts. “Oh, please.” Her tone is flirty, and I roll my eyes, not even caring if the cameras catch me in the act.

I pick up the knife I’ve been tracing at my side. I hold it in front of my face, watching the fire light it up, silver and deadly. I flick my wrist and watch it go spinning into a little lizard that had crawled out of its hole, unaware. Poor thing.

“Cut,” we hear for what seems like the hundredth time that day. “Isabelle, Alex, that was great.”

They let us all move around as they film Jen up in the tree, getting her parachute. A couple times she drops it, and Josh, Alex, and Jack amuse themselves by trying to throw it back up to her. “Are you getting sick of that tree yet, Jen?” Jack yells up, and she drops some leaves down on his head.

After they are done, Jen has to move to a different tree, and we get ready for our last, short scene of the day. Production makes a small fire and Mackenzie sits down beside it. We have one camera guy with us and the others are over with Jen a ways away. It doesn’t take us long to get the scene done. Mackenzie rubs her hands by the fire, whirling around when she sees us. Alex pulls out his sword, flipping it over to hand to Leven, who looks up at him, smiling, and Mackenzie screams, a high-pitched, earth-shattering scream, and it’s over. I don’t have to do anything, just stand behind Alex and look intimidating, which I could do in my sleep.

And then, finally, after we change into our street clothes, we get to go home.

As we’re walking towards the van, Jen slings her arm over my shoulder. “Oh my God,” she whimpers. “Carry me.”

I laugh, dragging her along as she leans on me, hard. “I don’t think I can do that.”

“Kenz!” Jen looks around me to Mackenzie, who is walking next to me on my other side. “What do you think? Care to carry me back to the car?”

Mackenzie scrunches up her nose, laughing along with me. “No, but I bet one of the boys will.”

Jen turns around and scampers back to the boys, who are walking behind us with Leven. I can hear her begging one of them to give her a piggyback ride as Mackenzie pokes me in the ribs. “You’re doing good. Right, Is?”

I look over at her, her curls catching the light bouncing off the Cornucopia. “Yeah, I’m good. You’ve… you’ve heard things, haven’t you?”

She shrugs, hooking her arm around my neck. “I mean… I’ve heard some stuff, but nothing definitive.”

I grin, slipping my arm around her waist. “Thanks, Kenz. But you’re a really bad liar.”

She rolls her eyes at me. “I get it though.” I look at her. “I mean, it’s Alexander Ludwig.” She looks back him. “I would sneak around with him too.”

“Kenz!” I stop. Mackenzie laughs.

“Just kidding.”

“Is that what people are saying? That we were sneaking around?”

Mackenzie grabs my arm, pulling me along with her. “No, not really. I mean, I don’t think Leven knows, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

We are almost to the van when Jack runs past us, Jen on his back. I can hear them laughing. Josh runs up behind us and tugs on my back. He walks in front of me, backwards, facing me. “Hop on, Izzy.”

I raise my eyebrows. “What?”

He bends down, the perfect height for me to climb on his back. “Jack bet me I couldn’t beat him in a piggyback race. And you weigh like twenty pounds. So hop on.”

I laugh, and do as he says. “Please don’t drop me.”

“I would never do that.”

Mackenzie laughs as I hook my legs around his waist and lock my arms around his neck, and Josh takes off after Jack and Jen. They circle the Cornucopia a few times and end up back by the van, panting for breath. Josh drops to his knees and I scramble off, moments before he falls flat on his back. Jack dances around, singing, “I win, I win, I win!” Jen giggles, pulling Josh to his feet and helping him into the van.

“Remember!” Gary calls, getting into his own van. “Tracker jackers tomorrow!”

Leven groans from behind us. “Great.”

There is a mad scramble to get into the van, and by the time it’s my turn, the only seat left is next to Alex by the window. I sit down reluctantly, clicking my seatbelt in place and leaving as much room as I can between my leg and Alex’s. But the ride is long and it’s late and the van is nice and warm, and I find myself falling asleep, my head against the cold glass of the window. And as we drive back to town, the driver makes a sharp turn, and I don’t realize until we get back to the hotel that I have shifted in my sleep, my head resting on Alex’s shoulder. I don’t know that he sits as still as he can, or that Leven spends the entire ride keeping her gaze focused out her window. I don’t realize how comfortable I am until we pull to a stop and Alex clears his throat softly, jerking me awake. I sit up, confused, and realize that everyone is looking at us. “Oh, sorry,” I mutter, looking down at my lap and grabbing my bag.

“It’s okay,” Alex says, so softly that I almost don’t hear him. Everyone gets out of the van and Alex lets me slip past him. We’re the last two to get out, and as I step down onto the pavement, I can feel his hand on the small of my back, helping me down. I flinch at his touch, but he keeps his hand there, strong and steady. And as we step out onto the sidewalk in front of the hotel, he keeps his hand there, guiding me into the light.

I’m so exhausted that all I want to do is sleep until dinnertime the next day, but unfortunately, it’s another busy day. We’re shooting the tracker jackers scene today, and we’re shooting the cast photo too, both of which involve us being outside for an extended period of time. The first thing I do when I get up is check the weather, hoping desperately that it’s cooler out than it was yesterday. Thankfully, it is.

I get dressed, yawning, and head downstairs for breakfast. Almost no one is there, and I assume everyone is still sleeping or getting ready. I am shoveling pancakes into my mouth when Jackie joins me, setting her plate down across from me. “So…” She looks at me expectantly. “How was it?”

I shrug, taking a sip of orange juice. “Nothing happened. I mean, it could have been a lot worse.”

“Well, that’s good.” She smiles at me. We eat mostly in silence, and I can tell something is on her mind. Jackie is not normally a silent person. I am about to ask her what’s wrong when the Wolf Pack walks in: Alex, Dayo, and Jack. Jack and Alex especially look tired, but the three of them are hyper as always.

I keep my eyes down on my plate. I know that Jack and Dayo will come and sit with us; I just don’t know if Alex will follow them. I don’t look up, but I can feel someone sit down next to me, and my heart starts beating faster. I don’t know if I want it to be Alex. I think I do. I feel like something changed between us last night. But when I finally look up, it’s Dayo next to me, and Alex is nowhere to be seen. I look around, but he’s not in the dining room anymore. I assume he went to Leven’s room. Whatever.

Jack volunteers to drive the four of us to set, and as we are getting in his car, I see Alex and Leven walking to Alex’s car, arms around each other. I just sit in the back of Jack’s car and watch them out the window. They look happy. And I’m almost glad that Alex and I aren’t friends, because if we were, then I would have to be happy for him. Right?

I lean my head back against the seat, closing my eyes. And I stay that way until we get to set. I can feel a headache coming on, I’m exhausted, and I’m pissed about having to deal with my feelings for Alex so early in the morning.

The four of us get out of the car and walk into the training center, where wardrobe, hair, and makeup have converged to get the ten of us ready for the cast photo. The training center is in complete disarray. I see Nicki over in one corner, empty chairs in front of her, talking to Gina and Kelly and Heather and Iraina, the other hair stylists working today. Makeup is set up in another corner, Renae, Elena, Bex, Robin, and Wendy arranging their brushes and drinking coffee. Wardrobe takes up one entire wall, racks of clothes spread out. Nina sends all five of the boys over to wardrobe, Liam, Josh, Jack, Alex, and Dayo, and I can hear them grumbling all the way across the room. I am sent over to makeup with Jackie and Amandla, and Jen and Leven go to get their hair done. I am practically falling asleep in Renae’s chair, and she has to keep waking me up. I don’t even remember switching places with Jen and Lev, but eventually Jackie and Amandla are pulling me over to wardrobe.

We are shooting the pictures out in the field where the Cornucopia is, and all you can see are wildflowers and grass and trees in the background and blue sky all above us. The producers arrange us all and tell us to smile. It’s pretty simple, or it would be if I were in a better mood. I am on the far end. Jack is next to me, then Jackie and Dayo. Leven is next to Alex, who is next to Amandla. Josh, Jen, and Liam are on the other end. As we stand out there, I start to feel better. I don’t know if it’s the sun or being out here with my friends or if I’m just finally waking up, but whatever it is, it’s working.

They tell us that they have the film they need and let us all spread out in the field. Jackie and I go over to the Cornucopia and sit down next to it in the shade. She crosses her knees daintily, smoothing her dress out over her legs. I sigh, closing my eyes and tipping my head back, letting the sun wash over me. We sit there in silence for a little while until Jack and Dayo start screaming that they need Jackie. I look around and see the two of them running around with Amandla and Jen. Josh and Liam are talking to Leven. I don’t see Alex anywhere.

And then he pops up next to me, coming around the corner of the Cornucopia and scaring the life out of me. I forget for a second that I’m not really talking to him. “God, Alex! What the hell?”

“Sorry,” he mutters, sitting down on the grass next to me. I look around for Leven, but she’s still deep in conversation with Liam and doesn’t notice us. “I need to tell you something.”

I stare at him. If this is something about how happy he is with Leven, I’m going to punch him. “Okay. Go ahead.”

Alex takes a deep breath and looks around, fidgeting. “I broke up with Leven.”


	10. Where We Belong

_Take me back to where we started_

_Cause I’m afraid I’ve lost it all_

_Wasted all my second chances_

_How far does forgiveness go?_

_Since our departure, you’ve seen our descent_

_Without forgiveness we will meet our end_

The first time I met Alex, he kind of annoyed me. At least at first. Which was apparently just a preview of the rest of our relationship.

On my first day in North Carolina, I went to the cast party with Jackie, who I had met on my connecting flight in Chicago. We walked together into the huge hotel ballroom, and I felt safer with her by my side, even if I had just met her. The sheer amount of people in the room left me speechless. Actors, producers, directors, cameramen, stuntmen, wardrobe coordinators, hair and makeup artists, friends, and family filled the room. I saw someone I recognized from one movie or another at almost every turn. I knew who Josh Hutcherson and Jennifer Lawrence were already, as well as Elizabeth Banks, Lenny Kravitz, Woody Harrelson, Gary Ross, and Donald Sutherland. I saw Liam Hemsworth standing with his girlfriend, Miley Cyrus. I knew my mom was here somewhere with my sister, Madeline.

But there were also a lot of people I didn’t know. Two tiny little girls, one with dark curly hair, the other blonde. The biggest boy I’ve ever seen, as big as a tree. The pretty girl with long blonde hair. A tall skinny boy dancing around crazily. And the huge blonde boy standing next to the buffet table, talking to Josh. All around me were beautiful people, all of whom looked so confident and at ease. And there I stood, nervous and barely able to breathe.

I glanced over at Jackie and she smiled at me, taking a few steps forward. “Come on, Isabelle. Let’s go meet everyone.”

I followed her into the ballroom, smoothing out my side braid and looking around anxiously. I didn’t even know where to start. But thankfully, Jackie did. She walked right up to the bigger-than-a-tree boy and the crazy-dancing boy and said hi, introducing herself. We learned that their names were Dayo and Jack, and as we talked to them, I felt myself loosening up a little, becoming more comfortable.

Eventually I left Jackie’s side to go get food. She was caught up in conversation with Jack, fascinated by the fact that he goes to NYU, and I was too hungry to stand there staring at the buffet for another second. I grabbed a plate and began loading it up with food. I was too interested in the selection to notice someone sneaking up behind me, so when I spun around with my plate, I smashed right into someone and the contents of my plate went all over the front of his shirt.

“Oh my God,” I squeaked. “Oh my God, I am so sorry.”

“You know, if you wanted my attention, all you had to do was ask.” The big blonde boy I had seen talking to Josh earlier was standing in front of me, grinning as if I hadn’t just dumped food all over him. I couldn’t help it; I had to roll my eyes. Who is this kid? He brushes his shirt off, looking down at me. “I’m Alex.”

I cleared my throat. “Isabelle.”

“Oh, Isabelle! Yeah, I know who you are.”

“You do?”

“You’re the orphan!”

I laughed. “Yeah, that’s me. And you are…?” I trailed off, waiting for him to jump in.

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes, which I noticed immediately were a crazy shade of blue. But he did it playfully, and his eyes twinkled at me. “I’m your district partner, obviously.”

I opened my mouth to say something, not exactly sure what, but at that moment, Jackie came over and looked up at Alex. “Who are you?” she asked, point-blank. I smirked up at him.

Alex and Jackie exchanged introductions, and we were soon joined by Jack and Dayo. After a bit, Gary began yelling for us all to sit down, and Jackie and I settled ourselves at the nearest table, followed by Jack, Dayo, Alex, and the short curly-haired girl, whom I learned was named Amandla. Gary began speaking, talking about the summer we had ahead of us, what we should be eating, how rigorous the training would be, and how excited he was. I could tell Jack was already zoning out, and Dayo kept nudging him. When I glanced over at Alex, I was struck again by how blue his eyes were, how big he was, how… nice-looking.

I also noticed that I was not the only one looking at him. The girl at the table next to us, the one with the long blonde hair and light eyes, was staring over at him, eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed, almost as if she was planning exactly how to get closer to him.

I nudged Jackie lightly, whispering so Gary wouldn’t hear us. “Who is that?” I nodded my head at the blonde girl.

“That’s Leven Rambin,” Jackie whispered back. “She was in Grey’s Anatomy.”

That’s why she looked so familiar. Maddie watches Grey’s on a weekly basis. I knew I had seen her somewhere.

I glanced back over at Alex, only to see that he was looking at me too. I flushed and quickly looked away, feeling my cheeks heat up. I could see him smirking out of the corner of my eye, and I took a deep breath, looking down at my water glass. Before long, Gary was dismissing us, telling us all to go make friends.

Jackie jumped up, grabbing me and Amandla, and dragging us over to some of the other girls, sitting at their own table. As we approached them, somebody grabbed my other arm, dragging me backwards. “Where do you think you’re going, little Fuhrman?”

I stepped away towards the wall, letting Jackie continue on ahead of me, and turned around, my back against the wall, to see Alex grinning at me. “Little Fuhrman?”

“I like nicknames,” he replied.

“I didn’t tell you my last name.”

For the first time since I had met him, Alex was speechless. But only for a second. His face got a little red, and he looked down. “I may have already known who you were.”

I laughed. “Did you look me up?”

“Maybe.” He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. “And I’m already positive we’re going to be really good friends.”

“How are you positive? You don’t even know me.”

“No.” Alex grinned, leaning down and putting his palm against the wall above my head. He was so close to me I was almost drowning in his eyes. “I don’t. But I would like to, little Fuhrman.”

* * * * *

“You what?”

Alex shushes me and looks around quickly. Leven is still with Liam and Josh, and they have been joined by Jen. He pulls me up and around the side of the Cornucopia. I can see Jackie and Jack lying in the grass on their stomachs, laughing about something. “I broke up with Leven.”

“Why?” I can barely manage to get the word out.

“You were right, Isabelle. As always. And I’m an idiot.” He swallows hard, nervous. “I wasn’t the person you thought I was.”

“So who are you then?”

“I was scared, Belle. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. But I’m not scared anymore. And I know exactly what I want.” He pauses, but I don’t say anything. I just wait for him to continue. “I want to be with you.”

“Did you tell Leven that?”

“Well, not exactly. But I will. If that’s what you want, I will.”

I step away from him and into the shade inside the Cornucopia. I sit down on a trunk and rest my chin on my hands. I wait for Alex to sit down next to me before I say, “I don’t need you to tell her.”

“Belle—”

I turn to him, and I can see how nervous he is. “Alex.” I reach out and touch his hand, locking his fingers with mine. “I didn’t tell you to break up with her. I didn’t want you to do it just because I told you to. And I appreciate it, but—”

“No, Isabelle.” He squeezes my hand. “No buts.”

“This can’t work. We can’t work.”

“Why not?”

“There’s too much there between us. There’s too much history, and too much hurt. How can that work?”

He leans towards me, his knee bumping against mine. We are facing each other now, the Cornucopia dark around us, completely hiding us from the people around us. “We can make it work, Isabelle.”

“How?” I repeat insistently.

“Because you’re my best friend.” He reaches out, gripping my waist, sliding his hands around to cover my back. “And I need my best friend back.”

“Why?” I whisper.

“Because I’m in love with her.”


	11. Mine

_Do you remember, we were sitting there by the water?_

_You put your arm around me for the first time_

_You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter_

_You are the best thing that’s ever been mine_

“Izzy, move!”

I don’t turn around. I just reach back and elbow Jack in the ribs, hard. I hear him mumble at me, swearing under his breath, but I don’t pay attention to him. He tries to maneuver his way around me, looking over my shoulder, but I refuse to move.

Jack, Dayo, Jackie, and I are crouched down on the balcony in Jackie’s room, looking down at the pool deck. Or more specifically, down at the two people screaming at each other on the pool deck.

“Shut up, Jack!” Jackie hisses in his direction. “Did you catch that?” she asks me, inching forward.

“I can’t hear a thing, Jackie.”

“If you got out of my way, I could read their lips.”

“First of all, I’m not moving,” I tell Jack. “And second of all, you cannot read lips. And third of all, we shouldn’t even be doing this, and for the record, it was not my idea.”

“He’s your boyfriend!” Dayo chimes in.

“He is not my boyfriend. Now hush.”

Jackie scoots even closer to the edge of the balcony, her hair swinging loose over her shoulder. She kicks Dayo in the leg on her way, and soon enough, both he and Jack are pouting.

“You can’t even be honest with me!” Leven’s voice floats up to us, angry and strained. As I peek down over the edge, I see her standing in front of Alex, hands on her hips. He isn’t looking at her, but instead out across the pool, and I know that must just piss Leven off even more. “Alex! Are you even listening to me?” Her voice is getting even louder.

He sighs – I can’t hear it, but I see him do it. “Yes, Leven. I’m listening.”

“Just tell me the truth! Why did you break up with me?”

“I did tell you the truth! God damn it, Lev!” Alex is pissed now.

“You just need time alone? That is a bullshit reason, and there is no way it is the truth!”

Alex doesn’t answer. Jack leans down over my shoulder, planting his hands on either side of me, trying to see. I ignore him.

“It’s because of Isabelle, isn’t it?” Leven’s voice is soft now, and Jackie and I are straining to hear her. Jackie looks at me, wide-eyed, and I bite my lip, suddenly nervous.

And then, at that moment, Alex looks up at our balcony, almost like he sensed us there, trying to listen to his private (albeit not very well hidden) conversation. Leven sees him do it, and she turns around too, looking up, and we all immediately hit the deck, dropping to our stomachs on the smooth marble of the balcony. I don’t know if Leven saw us, but Alex definitely did, and I start scooting backwards into the room.

In a few moments, I am pacing back and forth, Jackie, Dayo, and Jack sitting on Jackie’s bed, quiet. “Well, she knows!” I say, running a hand over my face. “So now she’s going to hate me. And everyone is going to hate me.”

“To be fair, she doesn’t exactly know,” Dayo tries to point out before Jackie kicks him in the shin, silencing him. “What, I’m just trying to be supportive,” he mumbles to her.

“Is, you need to calm down. She knows nothing. She’s just paranoid.” Jackie raises her eyebrow at me.

“Jackie’s right,” Jack pipes in. “Just act like everything is normal. It’s going to be fine, Izzy.”

Jackie slides close to Jack, making a spot on the bed between her and Dayo. I sit down and she rubs my back, her hand moving in soothing circles, and I can feel my breath start to come easier. “You’re right.” I exhale loudly and take another big gulp of air. “Everything is going to be fine.”

* * * * *

“All I’m saying, little Fuhrman, is that life can change in a second.” Alex grabbed my hand, pulling me forward. “This moment – your moment – it only happens once.”

“I don’t think this is a good idea…” I looked around, warily, but Alex completely ignored me.

It was just a few hours after we had met. Everyone else was still at the cast party, eating and drinking and being merry. Or at least I assumed so. Alex had dragged me out of there, telling me he had something to show me. Before I knew it, we were in his car, speeding down a dark road, street lamps flashing above us. And now I was standing on a deserted set, in front of a huge building, Alex pushing open the big glass doors in front of us.

“Okay, close your eyes,” he told me.

“Why?”

“Don’t question. Just do it.”

So I did. I closed my eyes and let Alex pull me forward, guiding me over the unfamiliar terrain. “Okay,” he whispered. “Open your eyes.”

And when I did, I couldn’t speak. It was exactly what I had pictured: cold and gray and professional, climbing equipment, rope ladders, targets, practice dummies, knives and spears and bows and arrows. Even fake trees. It was all sitting there, waiting for us to walk in tomorrow and start training. And I got to see it first. With Alex.

“Isn’t it great?” Alex said quietly. When I glanced over at him, I could see he was looking around too, just as in awe as I was.

“How’d you know we could get in here?”

He shrugged, looking over at me, locking me in place with those striking eyes of his. I had a feeling they were going to be my downfall. “I don’t like rules.”

I walked over to a raised platform in the middle of the floor and sat down, drawing my knees to my chest. Alex settled himself next to me, staring at me.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” I took a deep, slightly shaky breath, and looked around again, at the high ceilings, the windows bordering one side of the room, the smell of fresh paint still filling the air. I could see stars through the windows, the moon casting its light down through the glass panes. It was almost magical, sitting in here with someone I hadn’t known this morning. And yet, I was so comfortable, almost like I knew him for my entire life. “It’s just crazy.”

“That we’re really here?”

“Yes. Exactly. This is what I’ve been waiting for.”

“Me too, Belle.”

I stopped looking around immediately and turned to Alex quickly, sharply, as my name slipped from his lips easily, almost like he’d been saying it his entire life. “You called me Belle.”

Alex turned red. “Oh, sorry. I like nicknames and I—”

“No, it’s okay.” I cut him off. “It’s just… no one has ever really called me Belle before. I like it.”

Alex moved a little bit closer to me, his leg brushing mine. “Are you nervous?”

“Yes. A lot. But I’m way more excited.”

“Me too.” Alex reached up and touched the hair by my face, winding it around his finger. “Belle, I—”

At that exact second, my phone dinged, and I broke my gaze with him, glancing down to pull it out of my bag. It was Jackie, asking where I disappeared to. “Oh!” I jumped up. “We better go. I don’t want them to notice we’re gone.”

“Yeah.” Alex stood up, brushing off his pants. “We wouldn’t want that.”

* * * * *

“Get in, Isabelle!” I hear him call from off to my left. I am standing in the hotel lobby, looking out at the street, waiting for Jackie and Amandla to come down and go to a late dinner with me. I see them walking towards me, and they see Alex outside in his car, top down, engine rumbling, looking at me.

“Go ahead, Is,” Jackie says, smiling.

“Yeah, who are we to get in the way of luuuuv?” Amandla giggles.

I roll my eyes, but I am grateful. “Thanks, guys. See you when I get back?”

“Absolutely.”

I push through the doors and run to Alex’s car, glancing behind me to see whether Leven is anywhere in sight. She isn’t, and I recall hearing that she was going to go out with Jen, Liam, Elizabeth Banks, and Woody Harrelson tonight. I climb into Alex’s car and he pulls out of the parking lot, speeding around the corners.

“Where are we going?”

“Away.” He looks over at me and smiles, his eyes twinkling at me. The farther we get from the hotel, the better I feel, less stressed, happier, lighter.

“Away where?”

“Far away, my dear.” And he’s right. Before long, the lights of the tone start to fade away behind us, and I feel like we’re going out into the middle of nowhere. As we pass the city limits, Alex reaches over and puts his hand on my knee, his fingers warm against my skin. He fiddles with the radio, and I can hear snatches of Demi Lovato, Gloriana, and DEV before he settles on Taylor Swift. Of course.

“You said, I remember how we felt sitting by the water. And every time I look at you, it’s like the first time,” Alex sings under his breath, looking over at me and smiling, almost shyly. “I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter. She is the best thing that’s ever been mine.”

And then it appears before us, the huge stretch of inky black water, shimmering as the breeze blows across it, moonlight reflected, huge and full, on its surface. “Oh my God,” I breathe out. It’s beautiful. “Alex, what is this?”

“Lake Powhatan.” Alex pulls the car up next to a tree, facing the lake, just feet away from the bank. I can hear the sound of the water breaking against the shore as the wind moves it in waves. He cuts the engine and jumps out, coming over to open my door. I can feel his hand warm on the small of my back as I get out, looking around. Alex reaches around behind me and grabs a blanket from the back of the car. I hadn’t even noticed it there, or the basket that he pulls out with it. “Come on, Belle.”

“This is incredible.” I am still in awe as he spreads out the blanket, and I sit down next to him.

“Well, I figured this is kind of like our first real date, right?” Alex touches my arm softly. “And this is better than a pool.”

“Much better.” I close my eyes and take a big breath, smelling gardenias and honeysuckle and dogwood and fresh grass. The sound of crickets fills the air around me. And as Alex leans in and kisses me, his hands warm on the back of my neck, everything else fades away, and it’s just us there together, by the water, finally together. He’s all mine.


	12. Come and Save Me

_The sky keeps on changing colors in the rain_

_Nothing ever seems to stay the same_

_But I found you to my surprise_

_I found all I needed in your eyes_

_Everyone keeps leaving but you stayed_

_When I held you tonight and let my heart go free_

I am lying on a blanket with Alex on the edge of the lake, looking up at the stars twinkling high above us, pinpricks on the velvet of the sky. The breeze is warm as it snakes over us, carrying the unforgettable smell of North Carolinian fresh air on its back. I snuggle up closer to Alex’s side as he strokes my hair, occasionally kissing the top of my head. We are miles from Asheville, from our best friends, from ex-girlfriends and prying eyes, from anyone who might ask questions. In this moment, it’s just me and Alex, completely alone.

“I don’t want to ruin the moment,” Alex says, rolling over on his side to look at me. “But what’s going to happen now?”

I prop myself up on my elbow, a chill going down my spine. “What do you mean? With us?”

“Yeah.” He wrinkles his nose at me cutely. “Are we going to tell people?”

I clear my throat. “Well… Jackie and Jack and Dayo kind of already know.”

Alex laughs. “Yeah, I figured that. But what about everyone else?”

I push myself up into a sitting position, crossing my legs. Alex follows my lead, and we face each other, our knees touching. “I think we need to talk about Leven.”

Alex sighs heavily, looking out at the lake. He is silent for a few seconds. “She knows I broke up with her for you. Or at least, she suspects as much. Which I know you already know, thanks to your complete inability to stay out of other people’s conversations.” He leans in and kisses me quickly, just so I know he’s not mad at me.

“To be fair, that was all Jackie.”

“Yeah, I believe that.” He nods. “But anyways… it’s not really any of Leven’s business. Plus, she’ll find out sooner or later that she’s right.” Alex rubs the back of his neck. “And I don’t want to hide it, Belle. I’ve already hidden it for months, even from myself. So if it’s all right with you… I just want to be together. I don’t care if everyone knows. It’s not about them anyways. It’s about us.”

I can’t keep the smile off my face. “You’re right.” I put my hand on his knee. “It is about us.”

Alex looks down at my hand, locking his fingers with mine. “Hey Belle,” he whispers. I lean closer, and he kisses me, lingering next to my cheek.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

It’s the first time Alex has said it to me like this, when we are actually together, and he doesn’t have to go back to his girlfriend. When we don’t have to worry about people finding out. When I’m sure that he is the one I am meant to be with. When I can actually say it back.

“I love you too.”

Alex kisses me again, his breath warm against my neck as he guides me back down onto the blanket, the blanket rough against my back. And I keep my eyes closed tight, concentrating only on what I can feel and hear and smell, afraid that if I open my eyes, this all might disappear. 

* * * * *

I roll over, yawn, and stretch, bracing myself to open my eyes and look at the clock (it’s only a little past twelve in the morning) when I see the figure seated on the end of my bed, staring at me. “Jesus!” I jump up to a sitting position, reflexively pulling the comforter up to my chin. “Jackie, God. You scared the shit out of me.”

She tosses her braid, smiling smugly. “You got in later than I thought you would, and we didn’t get a chance to talk.”

“So you snuck into my room to give me a heart attack?”

Jackie crawls up next to me, crawling under the covers. I lie back down next to her, resting my head on her shoulder. “Come on, Is. I want to hear everything.”

I tell her about the lake and the blanket and the food and my talk with Alex. I tell her about our decision to put our relationship out there in the open, possibly incurring Leven’s anger. I tell her how happy I am, and she tells me, again, that if I’m happy she’s happy. Once I’m done telling her about my night, I ask about hers, and she informs me that Jack asked her to dinner.

“Like a date?” I turn to look at her, and she rolls her eyes at me.

“No. Like a friend date.” I laugh as Jackie says this, remembering that these were my words to her the night I went to dinner at Strada all those weeks ago, that disastrous friend-date where Leven showed up and accused us of being together. I point this out to Jackie.

“And look at us now.” I nudge her in the ribs. She nudges me back, harder. “I think you and Jack would be perfect together, let’s be honest.”

“Maybe you think so.” She fidgets a little. “But I’m not so sure.”

"Why not?”

Jackie sighs. “I just like what we have going now. We’re friends. And who knows what might happen if we tried to be anything more than that?”

I am quiet for a few moments, considering her words. “Maybe. But life changes in an instant.” I repeat what Alex said to me weeks ago, the night we broke into the training center, the night before the first day of training. “This is your moment. It only happens once.”

“Ludwig said that to you, didn’t he?” Jackie snorts. “It sounds very liv it up-ish.”

“Maybe, maybe not.” We lay there for a while, and I am beginning to think she fell asleep, so I whisper, “I just want you to be happy, Jackie.”

“I am, my dear Isabelle,” she mumbles, planting a kiss on my cheek. “I am.” She rolls over, taking more than half of my blanket with her. I lie there, staring at the ceiling, unable to fall back asleep while Jackie mumbles next to me. After thirty minutes of listening to her sleep-talk, I slip out of bed, tucking the covers underneath her, and head for the door, easing it open and looking back at Jackie before I leave.

I find Alex down in the garden next to the pool. I stand at the edge of the pool deck for a little while, watching him. He is sitting on a bench, surrounded by the dogwood trees that are still a cloud of pink and white, despite the fact that they lose their petals every time a slight breeze blows by. The only lights in the garden are the icicle lights hanging from every tree branch, bush, and fence post and the illumination coming from Alex’s phone, which he just pulled out of his pocket. A few seconds later, my own phone goes off and I pull it out of my sweatpants pocket to see a text from Alex. When I look back up, he is looking at me and smiling.

“Hey Belle.”

I smile back. “Hey.”

He moves over, patting the bench next to him, and I can feel the cool marble through my sweatpants as I sit down next to him. “You couldn’t sleep either?”

I slide my hand onto his knee. “No. Not really.”

We sit there in silence for a long time, his arms around me, my head on his shoulder, looking up at the stars. One of my favorite things about Alex is that we don’t have to talk. He is content to just sit here with me, in my favorite place (the pool’s garden) at my favorite time (middle of the night). If I had to pick one word to characterize our relationship so far, it would be night – the first time he told me he had feelings for me, the first time he kissed me, our first big fight, all of our meetings afterwards, and now. 

* * * * *

“The beach?” I roll over, pulling the blankets over my head to block out the sunlight coming in the big, facing window. “Isn’t the nearest beach like five hours away?”

“Yes.” Jackie pulls the covers back. “But most of us have the day off, and we don’t have that much longer here.” I glare at her. “Come on, Is. Liv it up, and all that.”

“If you quote that at me one more time—”

“Don’t shoot the messenger, Isabelle! It’s your boyfriend’s inane song.” She goes over to my dresser and starts pulling out clothes. “It’s time to get up.”

I pull the clock towards me, squinting at it. “Jackie! It’s six-fucking-thirty.”

“Easy, booster seat,” Jack says, bursting through the door with Dayo.

“If we leave now, we can get there by noon.” Jackie throws a swimsuit and a sundress at me. “Get up, get showered, get dressed, and get downstairs.”

The three of them let themselves out of my room, and just in time. “Oh my God.” Alex peeks out of the closet, straightening up and stepping out once he sees the room empty, save for me. “It’s not even seven. What the hell is going on?”

I fall back against the mountain of pillows behind me. “Didn’t you hear? We’re going to the beach.”

“No, I did not hear.” He kicks some shoes back into the closet, closing the doors. “I was too busy having a heart attack.” He turns and looks at me.

Last night, Alex and I sat in the garden for an hour, talking and listening and sitting. A little after one o’clock, he realized what time it was and insisted that I go up to my room and try to sleep. “We can spend the entire day together, Belle,” he said, curling my hair around his finger. “But not if you’re passed out from lack of sleep.” So he took me up to my room. But when we got there, he came in and sat with me, and then we both fell asleep, the TV still on, passed out on top of the covers, until Jackie began pounding on the door this morning and Alex jumped in the closet.

I sit back up, stretching my legs. “So… are you coming?”

“To the beach?” Alex sits down next to me, pulling me close to him, and smiles. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

“Good.” I grab the clothes Jackie had thrown at me and get up to go change. Alex turns the TV on, settling back on my bed. As I pass by him to go to the bathroom, he grabs my arm, pulling me towards him.

“I love you.” He smiles at me, hooking his arm around my neck.

“You know, I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing you say that.”

“Good.” Alex kisses me softly, slowly, comfortably, like we’d been doing this for months, years, not just days. He lets me go, resting his forehead against mine, and pushes me gently off the bed.

In the bathroom, I turn on the shower and look in the mirror as I wait for it to warm up. I look the same: same long brown hair that is a little crazy from sleep, same dark eyes, same freckles. But I don’t feel the same. It is the first time I’ve ever really felt like this about anyone, the first time I’ve been in love, the first time anyone has ever told me that they are in love with me. And it’s not just anyone… it’s Alexander Ludwig. If you had asked me at the beginning of the summer, what I thought my chances were with someone like him, I would have just laughed and blown off the question. But now…

“Belle!” Alex yells from the other side of the door. “Jackie just texted you. She says hurry up or she’ll come up here and scream until you’re ready to go.”

I take the fastest shower I think I ever have and get dressed, throwing my hair up into a braid. I’m only in the bathroom for about ten minutes, but by the time I get done, someone is banging on the bathroom door. I assume it’s Alex, so when I open it up, I’m surprised to see Jackie, backed by Amandla and Dayo, who are grinning widely.

“Come on, Is. Time is up!” Jackie and Amandla grab my arms, pulling me out of my hotel room and into the hall. I glance behind me, about to protest that I need my bag, but Jackie knows what I am going to say. “Dayo’s got it!” When I look at him, I see that she’s right – he is holding not only my bag, but four or five others as well.

“Don’t even,” he grumbles, simultaneously shifting a pink Juicy Couture bag that could only be Leven’s up higher on his shoulder and catching mine as it starts to fall to the ground. As the door slams shut behind us, I look around for Alex. I’m assuming he might have jumped back in the closet or taken off for his own room to get ready.

And sure enough, when we get down to the lobby, I see most of our cast mates – including Alex, who comes up to me and leans down to kiss my cheek. As he does, I get the smell of laundry detergent and shampoo – he must have taken the fastest shower in the world. I can hear Dayo drop the bags on the floor behind me, and Alex grabs mine, handing it to me.

“Okay,” Jackie announces. “I can take five.”

“I can take four.” Leven takes her purse from the pile at Dayo’s feet – I was right; it is the Juicy Couture – and digs out her keys. “And Alex can take four, right?” She looks right at him, and he glances over at me, clearing his throat and looking at the ground.

“Yeah,” he mumbles.

“And I can take four or five,” Ashton says, looking around.

We start shuffling around into groups, and I go to stand by Alex, but Jackie grabs my arm, pulling me back. “Sorry, Ludwig. She’s going with me. Girl time, and all that.” I raise my eyebrow at her. “Oh please, you can be without him for five hours.” Her words are bossy, but her tone is friendly, and I instantly feel bad. We haven’t been as close the past few days, since I’ve been spending my free time with Alex.

“Okay.” Alex kisses my cheek again, and I can feel my face starting to turn red, since everyone is right there, watching us. He flips his keys around his finger and starts toward his car, followed by Dayo, Jack, Jeremy, and Imanol, who start razzing on him as soon as they think they’re out of earshot.

Willow, Amandla, Mackenzie, and Tara join Jackie and I, and Leven is heading for the parking lot trailed by Kalia, Kara, Annie, and Dakota. This leaves Ashton, Ian, Ethan, Chris, and Sam. They fall in line with us as we push open the doors of the hotel and walk over to Jackie’s car. As I dig in my bag for my phone, Ashton appears next to me and slings his arm over my shoulder.

“Where have you been, Fuhrman?” He looks at me and puts on a fake pout.

“Oh, around.” I nudge him with my hip. “You’re always with your boys.”

Ashton shrugs. “That’s cause you girls are always together, ignoring us.”

Jackie slides up on his other side. “And that is because all you guys try to do is prank us. Either that, or you’re all gossiping, which you do more than we do. Now shoo. You’re intruding on my girl time.” She pushes him off to his car.

He turns around and shouts, “You know you love us, Jacqueline!” as he gets into his car.

I nudge her in the ribs. “Yeah, Jacqueline. You know you love them.” She gives me a look as she opens the passenger’s side door of her car and pushes me in, while Willow, Amandla, Mackenzie, and Tara attempt to squish in the back – Jackie’s car technically seats six, but I am skeptical that they will actually all fit back there.

“Ow, ow, ow, that’s my hand,” Mackenzie whines.

“No, sadly that’s my hand,” Willow groans. I look back at them and try not to laugh – Tara is practically plastered against the window behind Jackie’s side of the car, Willow and Amandla are smashed together in the middle, and Mackenzie is behind me, trying to stretch her legs out. I slide my seat as far forward as possible and she lets out a sigh of relief.

“This is going to be a long car ride.” Tara reaches under Amandla to find her seatbelt.

We all fall asleep for the first three hours, and I am eternally grateful that Jackie remembered to grab my pillow as she was dragging me out of bed. The only one who doesn’t fall asleep (besides Jackie) is Mackenzie, who occupies herself by playing Angry Birds on her phone. I am the last one to wake up, and when I glance at the clock, it is a little past ten o’clock. The sun is beating down through my window, and I immediately wriggle out of my sweater. Amandla and Willow see me move and screech, “FINALLY, you’re awake! Now can we turn the music up, Jackie?” She complies.

After a little while, she turns to me and says, “So.”

“So…”

“So what’s going on?” Tara leans forward. “We all want to know.”

Mackenzie pops up on my other side, between my seat and the window, and I jump. “Jesus, Kenz. You’re like Chucky.”

“Come on.” She pokes the back of my neck. “Tara’s right; we are dying to know.”

I smile, and look at my phone, which is buzzing in my lap.

**Alex: miss you.**

**Isabelle: miss you too. talk soon.**

Mackenzie squeals, and I realize she can probably see my phone over my shoulder. “So it’s true!” she squeaks. “You two are together!”

“I mean… yeah. I guess so.” I try to sound blasé and mysterious, but I can’t keep the smile on my face. I look down, blushing, grinning, trying to hide it. “Yeah. It’s true.”

“Oh my God.” Mackenzie sits back in her seat. “Leven is going to be so pissed.”

“Mack!” Tara shoots her a look over Willow and Amandla’s heads, and I spin around in my seat.

“You think?”

“Oh please.” Jackie flicks on her turn signal, looking over her shoulder and changing lines. “She’ll get over it. You didn’t steal him from her. He’s a big boy – he can make his own decisions.”

“Well… yeah.” I look out the window, and then look quickly back at Jackie as I realize we are passing Leven’s car. She doesn’t see us; she’s busy talking animatedly to Dakota, who is in the front seat. I wonder, briefly, if she’s talking about me and Alex.

“You know, I totally called this from the beginning,” Amandla pipes in from the back seat, and we all start laughing.

“She’s right.” Jackie laughs at me. “She said it on, like, the first day we started training.”

“How could you even tell then?” I look back at Amandla.

“I just watched you guys together,” she says, sounding wiser than her years. “There’s something there that he just didn’t have with Leven.”

“Amen,” Willow says. “Can you up the air conditioning a little, Jackie? We’re dying back here.”

As Jackie nudges the dial with her thumb, I look back out the window, at the trees and fields passing us, the big, blue sky stretching endlessly on ahead of us, straight to the ocean, then I close my eyes and think.

* * * * *

“Now,” Gary announced, standing on the raised platform in the center of the room. “You are all going to be on a pretty strict training schedule. Your stunts will be real, the fight scenes will be real, and we want it to look as legitimate as possible. All of it.” I yawned, and tried to cover it with my hand, but I was pretty sure everyone saw it. It didn’t really matter though, because everyone else was just as tired as I was – we were all up late at the cast party, which started inside the ballroom and ended up outside by the pool. “So in addition to a strict training schedule, we need you all to watch what you eat as well.” Next to me, Alex groaned quietly, and I looked over at him, smiling. He made a face at me. “We want you all as in shape as possible, because it’s going to be a long couple of months. We would like to get out of this with as little injuries as possible.” At that, Alex nudged me. We had only known each other for less than 24 hours and he already knew how clumsy I was. “Let’s go to work!” Gary clapped his hands.

Alex popped up, holding out his hand to pull me up. “I need coffee. You in?”

“Are we allowed to leave? I thought we were supposed to start training…” I glanced around, seeing Jackie sitting against the wall, stifling a yawn, Jack next to her, his head on his knees, and Dayo lying flat on his back in front of them. Amandla and Ian didn’t look a bit tired, hopping around like rabbits on crack. Josh was talking to one of the stunt coordinators, Leven was leaning up against the wall, eyes closed, and Jen was nowhere to be seen. “Oh, hell. Let’s go.”

Alex ushered me out the door and over to crafty, who were still getting set up. “Thanks, Jeanie.” He smiled at the woman who poured us the coffee, taking two steaming cups from her hand.

“Yeah, thanks.” I took my cup from him and cupped my hands around it, inhaling its scent. Even the smell of it was enough to wake me up a little more. We walked slowly back to the training center, basking under the early morning North Carolinian sun. I took a big sip, not even caring that it was still hot enough to burn my tongue. “Thank you, Alex. This is perfect.”

He put his arm over my shoulder, pulling me into his side and smiling down at me. It was the first real physical contact we had ever had, and I felt a chill go down my spine. “You are welcome, little Fuhrman.”

We walked back into the training center, his arm still around my shoulders. Everyone was still in the exact same positions that they had been in when we left, and I could see from the door that Jen was fast asleep under the table full of weapons that the stunt coordinators and props masters were hovering around. What I didn’t see was Amandla watching us, a knowing, old-soul smile on her face, or Leven, who was still leaning up against the wall but now had her eyes open and trained on us as we parted ways, me heading over to Jackie, Jack, and Dayo while Alex made a beeline straight for the biggest sword on the table.

* * * * *

When I open my eyes again, we are right next to Alex’s car, and Jack and Dayo are hanging out the window making faces at us. Jackie is giggling, speeding up to pass them, and Mackenzie and Willow are making faces back. Alex glances over, winking at me, and I smile back at him, giving him a little two-fingered wave. After a moment, Jackie is passing them, and Alex is gone.


	13. It's Gotta Be Love

_It’s gotta be love; I’ve never been so sure of this before_

_I know you think so; it’s gotta be love_

_Cause everything is upside down and_

_My knees are weak, my heart skipped a beat_

_All because it’s gotta be love_

Days we’ve been in North Carolina: forty-five. Days Alex and Leven were together: thirty. Days Alex and I have been together (officially): one. Days left on set, until I have to leave this beautiful place, my best friends, and my boyfriend: fifteen. Hours we have been in the car: four, plus forty-nine minutes. Miles left to the beach: one.

“You are a lunatic!” The first thing I see when I push open Jackie’s car door is Ian throwing himself out of Ashton’s car and onto the pavement.

“Land!” Chris is right behind him.

“Hey!” Ashton pulls his keys out of the ignition and slams his door shut, coming around to where Ian is lying prostrate on the pavement. “I cut our travel time by like forty minutes.”

“Oh my God, I am going to barf.”

Alex pulls up behind us, Leven right next to him. By the time Ian and Chris pull themselves into standing positions, everyone is out of their cars and standing on the pavement, even Amandla and Willow who were fast asleep the last time I checked. Amandla puts her arms around my waist and rests her head against me, still yawning. Dayo, as if sensing this, comes over and swoops her up. “Wake up, little bird!” he bellows. “We’re at the beach! No more sleeping!”

Alex appears beside me, and puts his arms around my waist, spinning me around to face him. “You miss me?”

“Not much, nope.” He gives me a look, and I laugh. “Just kidding.”

"Good.” He leans down to kiss me, and his lips are warm on mine, his hands warm on my neck, the sun warm on my back, everything brighter and hotter out here on the coast under the sun. For a moment, I forget where we are, the fact that we are surrounded by our friends completely escaping me, and I kiss him back, content in this moment. He starts to slide his hands down my back when Jackie clears her throat, and we pull apart to see everyone looking at us expectantly. Most of them have smirks on their faces, like they think we can’t help it. Dayo has his hands over Amandla and Willow’s eyes, who are both laughing. But Leven looks less than impressed, as does Ashton, surprisingly. I figure he’s still just peeved at Chris and Ian’s cracks at his driving skills.

“Are you two done?” Jackie raises her eyebrow at me. When I nod, she smiles. “Good. Now let’s go.”

I grab my bag from the front of Jackie’s car and she locks it, the lights flashing. Alex keeps his hand on the small of my back as we walk, and Jackie runs on ahead to the edge of the parking lot. She is the first one to reach the sand and she skips out onto it, but is stopped after only a few steps. “Ow, holy shit, what the hell?!”

Jack bursts out laughing. “What’s the hold-up, Jacqueline?”

“That’s really hot.”

“Duh.” Ian rolls his eyes. “It’s the beach.”

“Thanks for pointing that out, Mr. Smarty Pants.” She pushes him in front of her, out onto the sand. “If you think you’re so smart, then you try it.”

Ian turns and looks back at her. “I’m wearing shoes, Emerson. And you are not.”

“I left them in the car.” Jackie pouts. “I didn’t think I’d need them.” As she says this, Jack comes up behind her and knocks her legs out from under her with a sweeping drop kick. She shrieks and falls backwards, but he catches her.

“Come on, Jackie, let’s go.” He hoists her up onto his back, and she holds tight, locking her arms around his neck. “Wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself, now would we?”

"No," she replies haughtily. "We would not want that."

It only takes about five minutes for all twenty-one of us to find a relatively empty spot on the beach and spread out across it. The closest people to us are a heavily tattooed girl in a white bikini and her equally heavily tattooed boyfriend, beer cans surrounding the sand around them. I can only hope they stay there for the duration.

Alex, Dayo, and Jack are the first ones in the ocean (of course), Ethan, Ian, Jeremy, and Imanol joining them soon after. The only one who hangs back is Ashton, and he looks like he wants to say something, but he is dragged off by Chris and Sam. The rest of us sit there and watch the boys as they dive under the waves and splash each other, throwing seaweed and looking for jellyfish. Leven and Kalia have already stripped down to their bathing suits and are lying on their stomachs on their towels, heads together, whispering. I look over at Jackie and she rolls her eyes.

“Whatever,” she whispers to me. “Who even cares?”

I shrug, and spread my towel out, brushing as much sand off it as I can. Jackie is already spreading sunblock on every part of her body she can reach, and she hands me the tube. “Do my back please.” When I’m done, she turns and hands it out to me. “You want?”

“I guess.” I take it from her, smoothing it into my arms and my cheeks. “I don’t burn like you do though.”

“Honey, no one burns like I do. It’s the redhead curse.” She sits down on her towel and takes a big, floppy hat out of her bag, settling it on her head. When she sees me looking at her, skeptical, she tosses her braid. “I’m not taking any chances.”

I pull my dress off over my head and realize for the first time what I am wearing, having been far too tired this morning to notice the clothes she had thrown at me. “Jackie, for the love of carbs. Did I not have any other swimsuits?”

Jackie grins mischievously. “Alex is sure going to notice.”

I throw my dress at her. “Thanks a lot, you jerk. Now I’m stuck here like this.” I sit down and pull my knees up to my chest.

“You look great, baby Is.”

I look down at myself. I am wearing what looks like one of Madeline’s American Eagle bandeau tops, macramé and bright pink, with bottoms to match. How it ended up in my suitcase, I have no idea, but I’m suspecting some big-sister intervention. I’m almost glad that I spent so much time at the pool with Jackie and Leven (before she hated me), because I’m already kind of tan, and I’m hoping I don’t look too bad or too awkward or too little girl trying to play dress-up. Life is infinitely more complicated when you’re trying to impress someone, I’ve learned.

I fold up my dress and put it in my bag, lying down next to Jackie and using it as a pillow. “So,” I lower my voice, “are you and Jack still going on your little friend date thing tonight?”

“Probably not tonight,” she whispers back. “I mean, we didn’t know we’d be coming here. But he told me this morning that he still wants to. So maybe tomorrow?”

I rest my head on my bag, inches away from hers. She glances behind me to make sure everyone else isn’t listening. Leven and Kalia are still whispering, glancing over at the boys every now and then. Amanda and Willow are digging a huge hole, giggling about something. Mackenzie, Tara, and Kara are running down the beach, over to some boys they spotted down the sand, I think. Annie and Dakota are out in the water with our boys. I turn back to Jackie. “Maybe tomorrow?” I repeat.

“Well,” she looks behind me again, “I have a feeling, and Tara backs me up on this, that Leven is going to try to go after Jack now… now that she, you know, doesn’t have Alex anymore.” She props her head up on her hand. “And if she does, there’s nothing I can do about that.”

“She wouldn’t do that. We can all tell how you feel about Jack.”

“It doesn’t matter how I feel if he doesn’t feel the same way.”

“He does feel the same way. He wouldn’t act the way he does if he didn’t feel the same way. You don’t have to worry about Leven, Jackie.”

“I’m not worried, per say. I just don’t want to get into something that will waste my time.”

I roll my eyes. “It would not be a waste of time.”

“It might be.”

“Why?”

“Because.” Jackie sighs loudly, sliding her braid over her shoulder and pulling at the end of it, like she always does when she’s unsure of herself or nervous. “Because maybe he just—”

“Hi baby!” Someone large and cold and wet lands on my towel behind me, snaking his arm around my waist, splattering me with icy, salty drops of ocean water, and scaring the shit out of me, as usual.

“Alex, oh my God.” I press a hand to my heart, trying to steady it. “You have got to stop doing that.”

“You look great.” I glance at him over my shoulder and see his eyes dip down to places they should not be, and I elbow him in the stomach, not lightly. “Ouch, God. I’m just saying. You should dress like this more often.” I feel my ears turn red. Jackie snorts, and when I look up, I see her grinning at me, Jack sitting right next to her, laughing. She shrugs at me.

I sit up and look at Alex. “How’s the water?”

“It’s wonderful.” He sits up next to me, and I realize quickly that I have to work kind of hard to keep my eyes on his face, and not on his abs. Alex, as full of himself as he is, doesn’t normally walk around without a shirt on, at least not since most of our hardcore training ended. “And that reminds me…” He shakes his head, sending a light spray of water over all of us. Jackie glares at him. “I think I owe you.”

“Owe me what?” As I ask this, he pulls me up off my towel, and I cross my arms over my stomach, suddenly kind of shy. Alex doesn’t answer, just hikes up his swim shorts, and I repeat, “owe me what, Alex?”

Before I know it, Alex has scooped me up, like a fireman carrying someone out of a building, and he grins at me, kind of mischievously. “Well, do you remember that night you pushed me into the pool?”

As soon as he says this, I realize exactly where he’s going with it. “Alex, no, no, no, I’m sorry, please put me down.”

“Can’t do that, Belle. We’re going on a little trip.”

“I don’t want to go on a trip. I want to go back to my towel.” I twist around in his arms, looking back at Jackie and Jack, who are laughing hysterically, and try to wiggle free, but Alex has a pretty good grip.

“Sorry, sweetheart. We’re at the beach. You have to go into the water… it’s a rule.”

“It’s not my rule!”

“Well, it’s mine. And right now, it looks like I’m the one in charge.” Alex smiles down at me, tightening his arms around me, and all I can do is close my eyes and wait for the inevitable to happen.

When we hit the water, it’s a lot colder than I was expecting – and that’s saying something, because I was expecting the worse. I break the surface of the water, trying to get a breath and wiping water from my face. Alex is a few feet away from me, just standing there and grinning. “I cannot believe you did that.” I glare at him and start towards the shore. “You owe me big now.” I splash a huge wave of water into his face as I pass him, and then realize that might have been a mistake.

“Oh my God,” he says, his voice low. “You had better run.”

I squeal, and try to break into a run, but the water is almost up to my waist and I can barely move faster than a walk. Alex catches me around the waist easily, and drags me out into deeper water, diving under a wave with me still trapped in his arms.

“Okay, okay, truce.” I am already shivering, goosebumps popping on my arms and my stomach.

Alex pulls me tighter to him, rubbing my arms to warm me up. “Truce,” he agrees, kissing my nose. I look behind me to see Jackie at the edge of the water, tentatively testing it with her foot. Jack is already waist-deep, and it looks like he is trying to convince her to come in. Leven and Kalia are still on the beach, but they aren’t whispering anymore; they’re just laying there, sunglasses on. Amandla and Willow are still digging their hole, and it looks like Amandla has completely disappeared inside it. Mackenzie, Tara, and Kara are nowhere to be seen; I’m assuming they found some boys. Annie, Dakota, and all of the boys are just down from us a little, diving under the waves and splashing each other. Dayo and Ashton are playing chicken with the girls, and from what I can tell, Dayo and Dakota seem to be winning.

I turn back to Alex and put my arms around his neck, holding myself up, since I don’t think I can touch the ground here. He grips me tighter around the waist and kisses me on the ear, then the cheek, and then, just before his lips touch mine, he whispers softly, “I love you, Belle.”

“I love you too,” I whisper back, just before he kisses me and I close my eyes, blocking out everything around us, the sun and the waves and the sand and the sound of our friends, concentrating only on Alex, his chest warm against mine, the taste of salt on his lips, and the words he keeps saying to me – like he really means them. 

* * * * *

A couple of hours later, I am lying on my towel next to Jackie, almost completely dry. The boys all started a big game of football, recruiting some of the other guys hanging around our spot on the sand. Mackenzie, Tara, and Kara still aren’t back, but Tara texted Jackie to tell her that they are hanging out with some guys down by the pier. Leven and Kalia have finally ventured into the water, and are sitting down in the surf with Annie and Dakota, casting sideways glances at the boys. Both Amandla and Willow can fit in the hole now; we can’t even see the tops of their heads.

“What are you guys doing?” Jackie calls over to them, and Amandla’s curly head pops up.

“Digging, obviously.”

“Why?”

Willow pops up next to Amandla. “We have a plan.” And at that, she turns around, towards the boys and their football game, and screams, “ETHAN! COME HERE!” Jackie snorts and lies back down.

The next time I look up from my book, Ethan has almost completely disappeared, only his head visible above the sand Amandla and Willow are piling into the hole around him. I nudge Jackie and point at Ethan, and she bursts out laughing. Then out of the corner of my eye, I see Alex jump up in the air, arms stretched over his head, and catch the ball that Dayo just threw to him. As I watch, Leven and Kalia run up to him to (I assume) congratulate him, or something to that effect. Leven puts her hand on his arm, and he looks down at her. I can’t see the expression on his face, and I can’t hear what he says, but my heart starts beating a little faster, and I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Jackie looks over at me, and she opens her mouth to say something, but before she can, Alex pulls his arm out from under Leven’s hand and walks over to me, sitting down next to me in the sand.

“Hey Belle.”

“Hey!” I can’t help but smile at him, a huge grin across my face. He picked me over Leven, and he is still picking me over Leven. I lean over and kiss his cheek. “Hi,” I say again.

“Nice catch, Ludwig,” Jackie says, lifting her sunglasses.

“Well thanks, Emerson. I do what I can.” He looks back at me as she rolls over onto her stomach, burying her face in her towel. “What did you think, little Fuhrman?”

I look up at him. “It was okay, I guess.”

“Just okay?” Alex raises his eyebrow at me.

I shrug. “I’ve seen better?”

“Oh, really? You have?” He slides his arms around my waist, and when I nod, he starts tickling me.

“Alex, stop!” I squeal, trying to push him off. But he’s a lot stronger than I am, so I have to suffer for a little while before he stops. I lay on my back, breathing hard, and he looks over at me, grinning. “You think you’re really clever, don’t you?” I ask him.

“Yes, yes, I do.” Alex lifts himself up over me, holding himself up, and stares down at me, our faces just inches away. “But that’s what you love about me.” He is lowering himself down to kiss me when Jackie clears her throat.

“Could you two maybe get a room?” We both turn our heads to look at her.

“No, Jacqueline, we cannot,” Alex answers. But then Dayo starts yelling his name, and after giving me a kiss, he jumps up and runs back to his game.

“You seem really happy, Is,” Jackie says to me.

“I am.” I watch Alex as he runs off, punching Dayo in the arm when he gets close enough. Dayo responds by tackling him into the sand and soon enough, all the boys are involved. I smile softly, bringing my hand up to my mouth, still able to feel Alex’s lips on mine. “I am.”


	14. Earth Stood Still

_Felt like the earth stood still when I kissed your lips_

_I get chills, chills, chills just thinking about this_

_You were melting into me and I was melting into you_

_It was the kind of moment only time could kill_

_It was the perfect day, the day the earth stood still_

“Are you ready, Is?” Nicki finishes spraying my ponytail. She’s using more hairspray than usual, which makes sense considering what day it is today.

“To die? Oh, totally.” I roll my eyes, shoving the rest of my muffin in my mouth.

Alex, sitting on the floor in front of me, taps my knee. “Belle. Focus.” He holds a stapled packet of paper up in front of him.

“Oh, right. Sorry. Ah, okay… Where’s Lover Boy?” I close my eyes, envisioning my blocking as I speak. “Oh, I see… You were gonna help him, right? Well, that’s sweet. You know it’s too bad you couldn’t help your little… friend. That little girl…” I open my eyes. “Wait, is that right? Or is it that little girl, your little friend….?”

“No, no, you were right.” Alex flips a page.

“Okay, so… Oh, I see… You were gonna help him, right? Well, that’s sweet. You know it’s too bad you couldn’t help your little… friend. That little girl… what was her name, again? Rue?” I scoff a little, getting more into it. “Yeah, well, we killed her. And now… we’re gonna kill you.” I open my eyes, looking down at Alex. “Well?”

“Belle, that was awesome.”

“You think?”

“I know. You’re gonna kill it out there today.” Alex starts laughing. “Get it? Kill it?”

“You’re not funny.”

“You’re just nervous.”

“Of course I’m nervous.” Nicki taps my shoulder, her signal that she’s finished, and I turn around, smiling at her as I hop out of my chair. Alex gets up and rolls his shoulders, cracking his back, following me out the door. “This is my big scene.” I look up at him as he takes my hand, twisting his fingers with mine as we walk down Trailer Row to Wardrobe. “I want to do it justice.”

“You will, Belle. You know more about Clove than anybody. Except Cato, of course.” He smiles down at me, squeezing my hand. “You know, we’re—”

“Misunderstood, I know.”

It only takes me a few minutes to change into my clothes for the day, and I end up having to wait for Alex, who is getting his pants sewn back together because he ripped them during his last scene. As I sit there waiting, Dayo comes up beside me and puts his arm around my shoulders. “Just so you know, Izzy,” he says, “no matter what happens today, I still love you.”

“That’s good to know. Thanks, Dayo.” I roll my eyes at him. “Just try not to actually hurt me, okay? I know you don’t know your own strength.”

I know Dayo is kidding, but truth be told, I am actually a little nervous. We’ve rehearsed every part of this scene dozens of times, and by everything I do mean everything: me throwing knives at Jen, our girl fight, Dayo picking me up and slamming me against the Cornucopia and then throwing me to the ground. The stunt coordinators have gone over these stunts with us hundreds of times, but there’s still a lot of room for error.

“I’ll be extra careful, just for you, Is.”

Once Alex’s pants are back to normal, we walk over to the van with Dayo, picking up Jen, Jackie, Josh, Leven, and Jack along the way, the latter two of whom are just coming to watch and hang out with us when we’re not filming. When we pull up in the field where the Cornucopia is set up, my heart starts beating faster. I climb out of the van behind Jen, still holding tightly to Alex’s hand. “It’s okay, Belle,” he whispers to me, his breath warm on the back of my neck. “You’re going to do great.” I look up at him. “And,” he continues, “When we’re all done, we get to celebrate at Mama Fuhrman’s barbeque tonight.”

“Yeah.” I smile a little. “Yeah, you’re right.”

My mom is famous for her cooking, and there is almost nothing she likes better than cooking for a lot of people. When Maddie and I were younger, our house was always the one where all of our friends gathered, because my mom made the best snacks: chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter and celery, crackers with cheese dip, brownies with gummy bears. And she decided that since our time in Asheville is almost up, she was going to have a huge barbeque: ribs, burgers, hot dogs, potato salad, macaroni and cheese, Jell-O, fruit, Snickers salad, the works. Everyone in the cast is invited, plus crew, family, and friends. She’s been planning it for days.

“Smile, Izzy!” I turn around and see Dayo with one of the huge professional cameras balanced on his shoulder.

“What are you doing?” I simultaneously cover my hand with my face and duck behind Alex.

“I’m filming, obviously. They said they wanted extra-special behind-the-scenes stuff, and by God that is what I am going to give them.”

I laugh. “Okay, have fun with that.”

As I turn around and dart around the side of the Cornucopia to find Jackie, I can hear Alex say to the camera, “Well, we’re so hot, we’re sweating everywhere, and there’s this beautiful lake you want to jump in, but you can’t because it’s illegal.” Dayo laughs, and says something back, but I don’t hear him because Jackie grabs my arm.

“You ready, Is?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” I take a big breath. “You?”

“All I have to do is run and try not to fall. You have the hard part.”

“Thanks for reminding me.”

Jackie’s been in a stellar mood ever since her “friend date” with Jack. I now consider it a “friend date” with quotation marks, because let’s face it, there is no way they are just friends anymore. They spend most of their free time together, they’re always off in some corner whispering to each other, and Jackie is happier than I’ve ever seen her. She won’t tell me any details, even though I’ve been begging her to, but like she keeps saying to me – I’m happy if she’s happy.

We start to walk back over to the boys, and I hear Alex say, “Shout out to Julianna for making these coats so hot.” I see him pull at his jacket, voicing the same complaint he’s had since the beginning of filming. “I really appreciate that. Thanks.”

I walk up next to him, putting my arms around his waist and leaning against him. He drapes his arm over my shoulder, pulling me against him. I am getting even more nervous as I look around, watching crewmembers and stunt coordinators and cameramen and lighting and wardrobe and makeup run around in every direction. Aside from the bloodbath and Alex’s fight with Jen and Josh, this is one of the biggest stunt sequences in the movie, and I am literally shaking as Alex stands there, holding me.

“Alright, Isabelle.” Gary comes up behind us, patting me on the shoulder. “You about ready?”

I take a deep breath, rolling my shoulders. “Yep, let’s do this.”

All of the crewmembers and stunt coordinators and everyone start darting off to the side, and the field slowly empties. One of the prop masters sets up the four bags at the mouth of the Cornucopia, one marked with a 5 (Jackie’s), one marked with a 12 (Jen’s), one marked with an 11 (Dayo’s), and one marked with a 2 – that one is mine. Mine and Alex’s, that is. I run off to my spot in the woods behind the Cornucopia, and Alex follows me. I see Jackie disappear into the Cornucopia, then Dayo into the woods, then Jen, and suddenly the field is empty. I can feel my heartbeat in my ears, and as I crouch down, I am visibly shaking.

“Okay, Belle.” Alex slides his hands over my shoulders, turning me towards him. “Look at me, okay? Just look at me.” I do, and he nods. “Okay, good. Now take a deep breath in…” I do. “And out.” I do that too. “Now a couple more times.” As I concentrate on inhaling and exhaling, Alex just stares at me, a little smile on his face.

“What?” I force out my question in between deep breaths.

“You’re so cute.” He shifts his weight from one foot to another, eventually kneeling down beside me so that we’re at the same level. I take one more deep breath and look up at him.

“Okay, I think I’m okay now.”

Alex slides his arms around my waist, pulling me forwards toward him. He moves his hands up my back and under my Clove ponytail, and I can feel his fingers gently stroking the base of my neck. “Just remember, Belle. I love you.”

I lean close to him, kissing him softly. “I love you too.” He holds me tight for a second, and as I take another breath, I can smell him, and it kind of calms me down.

“Alright.” Alex lets me go, pulling back. “I’m gonna go, let you get in your groove and all that. Knock ‘em dead, Belle.”

I smile. “I’ll see you on the other side.” He gets up and turns to go, and I speak up again. “Hey Alex?” He turns around and looks at me. “Thank you.”

“Anytime, Belle.”

As he walks away, I close my eyes, imagining what Clove might be thinking at this moment. Where Thresh, the girl from 5, Lover Boy, and the Girl on Fire are. About the plan Cato came up with – she would take the girl from 5 and the Girl on Fire; he would watch out for Lover Boy and Thresh. How much they needed whatever was in their bag. How much they had to lose. How much they had to gain, since they were both allowed to win now. As I sit there, my eyes closed, the sound of the woods the only thing I can hear, I start to feel like Clove. And by the time I hear Gary scream action!, I’m not scared anymore. I’m ready.

From my vantage point in the bushes, I see Jackie pop out from inside the Cornucopia, grab her bag, and take off in the opposite direction, tucking the bag under her arm. Then right on cue, I see Jen emerge from the woods right across from me, bow in hand, and I creep out from the trees, until I am right next to the Cornucopia. As soon as she grabs her bag and edges around the side of the big metal horn, I appear. Game on. I try to remember exactly how Suzanne Collins wrote this scene, trying to channel that energy as I dart out from behind the Cornucopia.

I flick my wrist, watching the knife I had been holding in my right hand go spinning towards Jen. She falls backwards to the ground, landing hard, and I start sprinting towards her. She shoots at me twice, just like we practiced, and I move slightly to my left, letting the arrows (rubber-tipped, so that even if they did accidentally hit me, they would just leave a bruise) fly past me. As soon as I get close enough, I leap towards her, feeling my hands connect with her shoulders, and we go flying towards the ground. I land hard on my back, and Jen rolls away, so I get up and race back towards her. I can only imagine what my face looks like at this point, but I feel like Clove, so I’m hoping I look at least a little evil.

I jump towards Jen again, and she tries to push me off, but I manage to get on top of her. I have a knife in my hand, and I stab the ground next to her head, and she grabs my arm, pushing it up as hard as she can, my knife poised above her face. We are both exhausted and out of breath at this point, but there is no time to think about this. Jen reaches up, trying to push me away, but I shake her hand away easily. We roll over one more time, and I end up back on top. There are a few more seconds of struggle, Jen trying to get a grip around my neck with her hands, but soon enough, I am able to pin down both of her wrists with my feet, just like we practiced.

_Clove means to savor the moment. Even feels she has time. No doubt Cato is somewhere nearby, guarding her, waiting for Thresh and possibly Peeta._

“Where’s Lover Boy?” I ask her, out of breath, knife at her throat.

_Where’s your boyfriend, District Twelve? Still hanging on? He’s nearly dead. Cato knows where he cut him._

I smile cruelly, cocking my head to the side. “Oh, I see. You were gonna help him, right? Well, that’s sweet…” Jen looks up at me with hate in her eyes, struggling underneath me. “You know it’s too bad that you couldn’t help your little… friend. That little girl… What was her name, again? Rue?” Jen kicks her legs, glaring up at me and trying to get free, but I push her down even harder. “Yeah, well, we killed her.”

_I promised Cato if he let me have you, I’d give the audience a good show._

“And now…” I pull a short, wide knife out of my pocket and lay it against Jen’s cheek. “We’re gonna kill you.”

I know exactly what is coming, but it still scares me when it happens. As I raise my knife in the air, Dayo, who appeared out of nowhere, knocks it away with his foot, grabbing me by the front of my jacket. I whip around to look at him and he lifts me up, pinning me against the side of the Cornucopia. Jen crawls backwards, watching, horrified.

My breath is coming in short, fast, loud bursts, and I have to admit that it’s not all acting. Dayo is huge, standing in front of me, and legitimately scary. “You kill her?” he yells.

_I remember him as big, but he seems more massive, more powerful than I even recall._

“No!” I shake my head back and forth vigorously, breathing even harder.

_Clove is scrambling backward on all fours, like a frantic insect, too shocked to even call for Cato._

“I heard you!”

I look around, quickly.

_Clove sees the stone, about the size of a small loaf of bread in Thresh’s hand and loses it._

“CATO!” I scream, and even I am surprised by how high-pitched my voice is, how desperate, how scared. “CATO!”

“Say her name!” Dayo yells, his hand tight around my throat. We’ve rehearsed this so many times, and I know exactly what to do. I know there’s a pad there, and I can feel it cushioning my back, but I also know that the cold steel of the Cornucopia is right behind it. Dayo pulls me forward, slamming me against the Cornucopia once, twice, and then releases me, and I fall to the ground, trying to lay as still as I can.

_Thresh brings the rock down hard against Clove’s temple. It’s not bleeding, but I can see the dent in her skull and I know that she’s a goner. There’s still life in her now though, in the rapid rise and fall of her chest, the low moan escaping her lips._

I hear Dayo say to Jen, “Just this time, Twelve… For Rue!” And I hear his weapons clanking as he runs off.

And then…

“CLOVE!” I hear Alex roar, and I can hear him coming around the far edge of the Cornucopia, running, sprinting, right towards me.

_“Clove!” I hear Cato’s answer, but he’s too far away, I can tell that much, to do her any good. What was he doing? Trying to get Foxface or Peeta? Or had he been lying in wait for Thresh and just badly misjudged his location?_

“CLOVE!” I can tell from Alex’s shouts that he is much closer, almost right next to me.

_“Clove!” Cato’s voice is much nearer now. I can tell by the pain in it that he sees her on the ground._

I see Jen run off, looking back over her shoulder at us. And then Alex drops down next to me, breathing heavily, frantic. He drops his spear next to me and touches his hand to my neck. “Oh my God, Clove.” His voice is broken, almost like he’s crying, and when he leans down over me, face next to mine, I can see the moisture on his cheeks. Tears.

_Cato kneels beside Clove, spear in hand, begging her to stay with him. In a moment, he will realize it’s futile, she can’t be saved._

“Clove, please.” Alex is almost whimpering now, and I can feel him put his forehead against mine. “Please, don’t leave me.” And then, even quieter, too low for the cameras to pick up, he whispers, “I love you.” And I know that was just for me.

Then the cannon sounds, an echoing boom across the field, and I am dead. I keep my eyes open, my body completely still, and as Alex stands up, grabbing his spear and running off in the direction Dayo went, I watch.

_After a few minutes, I hear the cannon and I know that Clove has died, that Cato will be on one of our trails._

“Cut!” Gary yells. “You guys, that was amazing.” I sit up, rubbing the small of my back. It’s a little sore, but not like what I was expecting. I see Jackie pop out of the woods, then Jen, then Dayo and Alex. He runs over to me, dropping down next to me on the ground, just like he had minutes earlier, when he was Cato and I was Clove. Before I know what’s happening, I am in Alex’s arms, and I can feel him bury his face in my shoulder.

“You were amazing, Belle,” he whispers, and I hug him back. “Really.” He pulls away, cupping my face in his hands.

“You were,” I tell him, and I mean it. I’ve never seen Alex like that before, didn’t know he had that in him. “You are the amazing one,” I whisper.

"Resetting!” I hear Gary call, and over Alex’s shoulders, I see everyone start to move, pulling the cameras back, replacing the bags, fixing Jen’s makeup, Leven on the sidelines, looking incredibly pouty. I pull Alex even tighter to me for a moment, and then he stands up, helping me off the ground.

“You’re okay, right?” he asks me, his tone worried, concerned. “Not hurt or anything?”

I shake my head. “No, I’m good.”

And we do the scene, over and over and over, until finally Gary is satisfied. I get a chill down my side every time I hear Alex roar Clove’s name, every time he kneels down next to me, broken, hurt, losing the one person he needs more than anything. After the last take, Jen comes over to me, hugging me.

“You did good, Izzy. That was awesome.”

I laugh, stretching out my arms and legs. I’m definitely more sore now than I had been after the first time. “Thanks. I hope I didn’t hurt you too bad.”

“Nah.” She wrinkles her nose at me. “You weigh next to nothing.” 

I sit down in the shade of the Cornucopia with Alex, Jack, and Jackie. I sit in between Alex’s legs and lean back against his chest, and he gently rubs the back of my neck. It feels amazing. If I’m hurting now, I can only imagine how I’ll feel in the morning. Before long, he is called over to one of the tents to get his makeup done, which could take a while – he’s about to shoot a scene with Jen and Josh, and he’s supposed to look like he just got pretty torn up by the mutts.

“Do you wanna wait here and watch?” Jackie asks me, stretching her arms out over her head and leaning against Jack. “I kind of want to.”

“Yeah, me too,” I agree.

Jack pulls his phone out of his pocket, glancing at the screen. “As long as we leave here by four, we’ll have enough time to get back in time to get ready for Mama Fuhrman’s barbeque.”

Jackie rubs her stomach appreciatively. “Good, I am starving.”

I think I fall asleep, out there in the field, just for a little while. I feel someone gently shaking me, hand warm on my shoulder, and when I open my eyes, I scream.

“Holy hell!” Alex jumps back. I think I actually scared him a little. “Wow, you really screamed.” He laughs, a little nervously.

“Sorry.” I shake my head, just staring at him. I can barely talk. The makeup on his face – the reason for my scream – looks so real, like huge dogs really did just attack him. “Sorry, babe, I just…” I reach up and touch his face gently, running my hand over his cheek, fake blood and all. It looks like he has three huge gashes cutting through his cheek and all the way down to his jaw.

“Awesome, right?” He grins at me.

When Jen and Josh appear, they are similarly wounded, although not nearly as bad as Alex. I kiss him good luck and watch him walk over to the Cornucopia, pulling himself up on top of it. I sit down in the shade to watch, Jackie and Jack next to me, Dayo on my other side. Leven comes over and sits down next to Jack, as far away from me as she can get. I keep my eyes trained on Alex.

“Okay, and action!” Gary yells.

“What was that?” I can hear Josh’s voice, amplified, panicked-sounding, coming from the monitors near us. He is near the edge of the woods with Jen. I glance back at Alex, who is lying down on his stomach on top of the Cornucopia.

“That’s the finale,” I hear Jen reply.

The cannon sounds, Dayo’s cannon, and he grunts next to me. There is silence for a little while, and then I can hear movement: Josh falling to the ground, as if a mutt just jumped on top of him, and then he and Jen are running into the clearing, sprinting as fast as they can, as if they were being chased. They burst onto the flat expanse of grass and race to the Cornucopia, where Jen throws her bow up and Josh cups his hands for her to step into.

Once she is on top of the Cornucopia, she turns around and reaches back for Josh, and they struggle for a few seconds, as if Josh is being dragged down by the mutts. He kicks around until Jen manages to haul him up. They are looking down when I see Alex emerge, pushing himself up from his stomach into a standing position. He looks huge and scary and dangerous, brutal, bloody, and lethal. He grabs Jen’s shoulder, throwing her down onto the metal, and pretends to punch Josh in the face, downing him as well. He looks down at Jen, raising his sword, and Josh lunges at him, catching him around the middle, throwing him down onto his back. Alex manages to stand up, but Josh throws him down again, and then he breaks free of Josh, pushing Jen back. As she falls, Alex picks Josh up by the back of his jacket and throws him across the Cornucopia, and I realize, once again, just how big he is.

As Josh lies on his back, Alex turns, looking towards Jen, and he starts towards her, swinging his sword around. She ducks, and grabs him around the neck, but he throws her down so that she is hanging over the edge of the Cornucopia. She is grabbing his hands, choking, trying to get him to let go, and is saved by Josh, who grabs Alex around the middle and literally picks him up, throwing him back.

“Whoa, that was sick,” I hear Dayo whisper next to me.

Alex and Josh wrestle for a few moments, rolling around, sliding across the Cornucopia. I see Jen reach for her bow, and as she aims it at the two of them, Alex finally gets Josh around the neck, and the fighting stops. He stands there, Josh in a headlock, looking at Jen.

Josh is struggling, and I hear Alex take a few loud breaths, holding him tight. “Go on,” he says, almost softly. “Shoot.” He smiles, sadistically, cruelly, sadly. “Then we both go down, and you win.” Josh is pulling at Alex’s hands, grimacing. “Go on!” Alex says louder, and his voice breaks. “I’m dead anyway. I always was, right?” There is blood all over his face, and I can hear the pain in his voice, the hurt. “I didn’t know that till now.” He is almost laughing now, maniacally, and I realize, not for the first time, how good Alex really is at his job.

Alex looks up at the sky, twisting around with Josh still locked in his arms. “How’s that?” he yells. “Is that what they want?” Jen pulls the string of her bow back even farther, tracing Alex’s movements, and his eyes widen crazily.

“No!” Josh squeaks out.

“I can still do this!” Alex tightens his arms, poised to break Josh’s neck. “I can still do this.” He lowers his head, looking right at Jen, and his eyes narrow. “One more kill.” I see Josh tap Alex’s hand with his finger. “It’s the only thing I know how to do. Bringing pride to my district. Not that it matters.”

And that’s when Jen pretends to let her arrow go, and Alex releases Josh, shouting in pain. Josh whirls around and knees Alex in the stomach, and Alex yells out and disappears off the back of the Cornucopia. I know that there’s a mat there, and I know that they’ve rehearsed this, but my heart is racing, and I want to jump up and run over there and see if he’s okay. Dayo pats my knee, knowing exactly what I’m thinking.

Alex is screaming now, his voice wavering on the edge of a sob as he pleads with Jen to kill him. “Please!” I hear him beg. And Jen shoots an arrow into the ground near him, and everything goes quiet until Alex’s cannon sounds. I watch Jen and Josh turn and hug each other for a long time, eventually pulling back and sliding off the edge of the Cornucopia. And then, Gary yells cut.

“Holy shit!” Dayo jumps up. “That was awesome!” Jack is right behind him, and they both run over to Josh and Jen. Alex appears from the other side of the Cornucopia, and both he and Josh are limping a little. I watch Jen turn and hug Alex, and he fist bumps Josh. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but they look like they’re laughing. I get up, dusting off my legs and run over to Alex as the crew begins resetting.

I sprint over to him. When I reach him, I leap up and into his arms, locking my legs around his waist, pressing my face into his neck. I didn’t realize until that moment how it feels to actually watch the person you love pretend to die – it feels kind of real. Alex rubs my back, and when I pull back, he is smiling. “Did I do okay?”

“You did amazing.” And right there, in front of everyone, in front of Gary and Jen and Josh and Jackie and Jack and Dayo and Leven and all of the crew and cameramen and makeup and hair people, I kiss him in a way that I don’t think I ever have before. I can feel myself shaking. I can feel his hands pressed against my back, holding me to him. I can feel his eyelashes against my skin and his tongue twisting with mine and one of his hands move up to my neck, tangling itself in my hair, which I had taken out of its ponytail and left down. I pull back, breathing hard, and he looks me right in the eye.

"Holy shit, Belle.” He is breathing kind of hard too. “I should die more often.” I smile at him, a little sheepish.

Alex puts me down and one of the makeup girls comes over to touch up his face. I go back over to sit by Jackie, and she nudges my leg, looking over at me and trying not to laugh, and I know she was watching. Eventually, the boys came back over and join us, and we settle in to watch them do the scene again.

They only do it three more times. I can only imagine how tired the three of them must be getting by now. On the second take, Alex falls off the Cornucopia, hitting the ground when he is supposed to, but he doesn’t see Jen fire the arrow at him that is supposed to signal his death, and he keeps screaming until Jen yells, “Just die already!” Everyone starts laughing and Alex climbs back up on top of the Cornucopia, apologizing.

“I got a little carried away,” I can hear him say.

“Yeah, just a little.” Jen is still laughing.

They finish the scene, do it completely over one more time, and come back over to us. Somebody gives Alex a bottle of water and he gulps down the entire thing, crushing it in his hand when he’s done. When he gets over to us, Dayo and Jack surround him, doing their whole punch-you-on-the-shoulder we’re-guys-so-we-don’t-show-affection thing, and I just roll my eyes, standing off to the side with Jackie. Leven is over talking to Josh and Jen, so I can relax for a second. I didn’t realize how stressful it was to be around someone who was actively trying to ignore you. But I don’t want to be the first one to say anything; first because I don’t really think I did anything wrong, and second because Leven kind of scares me. She is intimidating, if only because she is so perfect.

We all change out of our tribute outfits, gather up our stuff, and head towards the vans, and I climb into one with Jackie, Alex, and Jack. I cuddle up next to Alex, putting my legs across his lap, and as we drive back to the hotel, he keeps his hand on my bare calf, stroking it with his thumb. I look up at him as he talks to Jack, watching him, and I can’t believe that this beautiful boy in front of me is actually my boyfriend, all mine.

Jackie pulls her phone out of her pocket, holding it up in front of her face. “Okay, you guys. Smile.”

I do, and she takes the picture, the click audible. She hands me her phone so I can look at it, and when I do, I see Alex and me. But I barely recognize myself. I am smiling at the camera, my hair loose and hanging down over one shoulder, my cheeks flushed pink. Alex’s arm is around my shoulder, and he’s looking at me, smiling softly. I look so happy and… in love. And as I look at the picture, I realize how much I want this moment to last forever, how much I want to stay here in Asheville with Alex. How much I want the rest of my time here to slow down and stop and just stand still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes ripped directly from THG, thank you Suzanne Collins, because Clato kills me every time


	15. Wanted

_Cause I wanna wrap you up, wanna kiss your lips_

_I wanna make you feel wanted_

_And I wanna call you mine, wanna hold your hand forever_

_And never let you forget it_

_Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted_

When I get out of the shower and walk back into my room, I see something lying on my pillow. I walk over to it and realize it’s the picture Jackie just took of Alex and me. How she managed to get it printed out this fast is beyond me. I look at it for a couple seconds and put it next to my bed, up against the clock where I’ll be sure to see it when I wake up.

It takes me longer than usual to get ready, because I’m determined to actually do my hair and put on makeup and not look like I just rolled out of bed and out the door. As I am blow-drying my hair, I get a text from my mom, telling me that everything is almost ready. As I am doing my eye makeup, I get a text from Jackie, asking me what I’m wearing. As I start straightening my hair, I get a text from Jack, asking me if there will be brownies. As I pull on my jeans with the sparkly pockets and a plain white tank top, I get a text from my mom again, telling me that everyone is almost downstairs and where the heck am I anyways? And as I looking in the mirror, making sure I’m completely ready to go, I get a text from Alex, telling me that he’s waiting for me and he can’t wait to see me. I set my phone on my dresser, leaving it behind, and head downstairs and out to the patio at the back of the hotel.

I cannot believe what I see when I get out there. Tables and tables and tables groaning under the weight of the food that they’re holding. And tons of people. Upon first glance, I see the usual suspects: Dayo, Amandla, Willow, Liam, Josh, Gary, Ian, Kalia, Ethan, Tara, Chris, Jackie, Ashton, Kara, Sam, Mackenzie, Imanol, Annie, Jeremy, and Dakota. I see my mom fluttering about, trying to do a hundred things at once. I see Alex talking to his best friend, Mark, and Jack with his friend Nick. I see Renae and Nicki, and Jeremy, my trainer. I see Chad, the head stunt coordinator. I see Nick and Natalie and Sophia, Alex’s younger brother and sisters. I see Katie and Karan, a couple of extras. I see Miley talking to Leven, and Jackie with Taylor and Hayley, and Jen with her boyfriend. I see everyone’s parents and friends and siblings and I am pretty much completely overwhelmed, until Alex sees me and his eyes widen.

And that’s when I realize that I haven’t told my mom yet. As far as moms go, mine is one of the best, and she’s usually pretty chill about stuff, but this is new ground for both of us. Not only have I not really ever dated anyone before, but I definitely haven’t ever dated a nineteen-year-old guy before. And I’m standing there trying to figure out how panicked my face looks when Jackie sees me and runs over, grabbing my arm and pulling me aside into the garden, where we are shielded from everyone by the fence covered in ivy and a couple of dogwood trees.

“What is it?” she asks me, her voice low. Count on Jackie to be able to tell from across a room that something is wrong with me.

“I didn’t tell my mom,” I hiss at her, looking around to make sure my mom hasn’t seen me yet.

“You didn’t tell her what?” She raises her eyebrow at me, and then, “Oh my God. You didn’t tell Mama Fuhrman about you and Alex?” I shake my head. “Oh, boy. Okay. So what should we do?”

“I don’t know!” I shake my hands out, and I can feel my heart beating faster. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Alex pops up behind me, scaring the shit out of me. “Whatcha doing?”

“Oh my God, Alex.” I grab his arm, pulling him into the garden with us and out of sight of everyone else.

“Am I missing something?” He looks at Jackie.

“Always, Ludwig.” She peeks out through a crack in the ivy. “Mama Fuhrman has no idea you’ve been making out with her daughter.”

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it tha—”

“Doesn’t matter. She doesn’t know. And you,” Jackie pokes Alex in the arm, “have to figure out how to tell her.”

“No, I’ll tell her.” I lean over, resting my hands on my knees and taking a deep breath. “I just have to think it through first.”

“Just get it out there,” Jackie advises. “Just tell her. How mad can she be? Plus, we’re in a public place so it’s not like she can make a scene or yell at you or try to kill Alex or something.”

“Mama Fuhrman loves me.” Alex glares at Jackie.

“She loved you. I don’t know if she’ll love you so much now.”

“Jackie’s right.” I stand back up, looking at Alex. “We should probably just tell her.”

“You’re welcome.” Jackie grins. She pats me on the back and turns to leave. “Good luck!” She slips around the corner of the fence, back to the barbecue.

I look up at Alex, focusing him on the first time so far tonight. “Hey,” I say softly. “You look really good.” And he does. He’s wearing jeans and a white muscle shirt and a red plaid button down that’s hanging open, sleeves rolled up. I step closer to him, reaching out and wrapping my arms around his waist, and he smells really good, so I bury my face in his chest.

“You look beautiful as always, Belle.” He sounds a little nervous now. “But we should probably get out there and talk to your mom. I wouldn’t want her to find out like this.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” I pull back, looking up at him, and he smiles down at me. “Let’s get this over with.”

We walk back into the party together. Jackie is standing right by the entrance to the garden, and she jerks her head towards my mom. “We’re going, we’re going,” Alex mumbles at her as we walk past.

It talks us a while to get over to my mom. Everyone wants to say hello and start up a conversation, and all I want to do is find my mom and get this over with. Finally I see her talking to Nina, and we walk up to her.

“Hey honey.” She hugs me. “You look great! And Alex, it’s good to see you! How are you doing?”

“I’m good, thanks.” Alex leans over to kiss her cheek. “It’s good to see you too.”

“Mom, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Yeah, sure.” She turns to Nina. “I’ll catch up with you, okay?” Nina nods and smiles at us before she walks off. “Alright, kid. What’s up?”

I look back at Alex, taking a deep breath, and decide to just get it over with, like ripping off a Band-Aid. “MomAlexandIaredating.”

She just blinks at me. “What?”

Alex clears his throat. “Um… Well, Isabelle and I are kind of dating.” He gets it out better than I did, but he still kind of trails off at the end. My mom is silent for a couple of moments, and I’m starting to wonder whether or not she actually heard him or not.

“You and Isabelle are what?”

Alex looks down at me, and even I can tell that he is nervous. He nudges me gently in the side and I nudge him back, a little harder, and he widens his eyes at me. I turn back to my mom. “Alex and I are together,” I tell her, looking down at my feet. “We have been, for about a week now.”

I swallow, loudly, and wait for my mom to say something. Alex puts his hand on my back gently, and I try to breathe. To be honest, my mom could end everything right here if she wanted to, and I definitely don’t want that. So I just stand there quietly, Alex behind me, waiting for her to digest what we just told her.

“You’re nineteen.” She looks at Alex, and it’s a statement, not a question.

“Yes.” He looks down at me again.

“And my daughter is fourteen.”

“Almost fifteen,” I say, and then shut my mouth at the look she gives me, biting my lip.

“Yes, ma’am,” Alex says, and I suddenly have to try not to laugh at the fact that Alex just called my mom ma’am. Then again, she kind of has that effect on people when she really wants to.

My mom purses her lips and looks down at me. I’m expecting the worse, and I think I close my eyes, but then I hear her say, “Okay.”

“Okay?” I look back at Alex and he shrugs. I turn back to my mom. “Okay?”

“Okay.” She clears her throat, but my heart rate is starting to slow down now. “You’re a big girl. You’re mature for your age. And I trust you to make good decisions.”

“That’s all?” I ask.

“That’s all.” She smiles, finally, and I relax. “Just… be good, okay?” She hugs me, and I hug her back, tightly.

“Will you tell Dad?” I ask, and she laughs.

“Yes, I will tell Dad.” My mom steps around me to hug Alex.

“Thank you, Mama Fuhrman.”

“Yeah, thanks, Mom.”

Alex grabs my hand and pulls me away. He weaves through everyone, skirting around the huge crowd of people standing around the food, slips by the edge of the pool, and pulls me into the garden. When he turns around and looks at me, he has the biggest smile on his face. “I did not expect that to go that well.”

“I know, me neither.”

“Seriously, Belle. I was expecting to have to make a big speech about my intentions with you and how much I love you and what I see when I look at you and—”

I cut him off, smiling. “You’d do that for me?”

He raises his eyebrow at me. “I’d do anything for you.”

“So…” I walk over to a bench in the back corner of the garden and sit down, waiting for Alex to sit down next to me. I hook my ankle around his, rest my chin on his shoulder, and look up at him. “What exactly do you see when you look at me?”

Alex looks down at me and his face is suddenly very serious. “My future.”

I pull back, blinking up at him. I don’t know what to say to that. I want to say something back, something equally charming and meaningful and significant, but I can’t come up with anything. I’ve never had anyone say anything like that to me before, and I so badly what to say something just as perfect back, but I’m completely drawing a blank. I open my mouth but the only thing I get out is “I….”

Alex laughs. “It’s okay, Belle. You don’t have to say anything.”

“I want to say something though. That’s the thing.” I pull my legs up onto the bench, crossing them, and I face him, grabbing his hands. “You mean… so much to me. I’m just not good at expressing stuff like this. And I’ve been wanting to talk to you about what happens when we leave here.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“Well, we haven’t been together all that long. So what happens when we get back to LA, and we aren’t together all the time, and you’re in school, and we won’t see each other as much, and everything will just be different, and I don’t know what to expect because I haven’t done this before, and I understand if you think it’s going to be too hard, but I… I really want to at least try, because I love you and I think that this thing, whatever we have here, is too good to—” Alex cuts me off by leaning forward and pressing his lips against mine. When he pulls back, I smile sheepishly at him. “I was babbling, wasn’t I?”

“Just a little.” He squeezes my hands. “I was serious. I meant what I said. I look at you and I see my future. So I know that everything is going to be okay.”

I take a deep breath and look at him, wonderstruck (once again) by the color of his eyes. “You’re really great. You know that, right?”

“Yes.” Alex leans closer to me, smiling. “I do.”

“Well, we should probably go out there with everyone else.” I tilt my head in the direction of the pool, but Alex shakes his head

“I don’t wanna.” He slides his hands up to my neck, rubbing my jawbone with his thumb. “I want to sit here with my beautiful girlfriend.”

“Man, you guys really need to get out of this I’m-so-in-love-with-you phase of your relationship.” We hear a voice from next to us and look up to see Mark Reardon standing there, a huge smile on his face.

“Hey!” I uncross my legs, standing up to give him a hug.

“Hey, Izzy.” He grins down at me. “How are you doing?”

“I’m great. How are you liking being out here?”

“Well, I’m loving it, for the most part. The hard part is having to endure five thousand text messages a day from Ludwig telling me how great you are.”

“What can I say? He knows quality when he sees it.”

Alex laughs and stands up, holding tight to my hand. “Alright, let’s go.” The three of us walk back together, and before we’re even five steps on to the patio, we are bombarded by three screaming, jumping people.

“Hey you guys!” Alex’s face lights up, and I can’t help but smile – it’s the cutest thing. Sophia jumps on him first, and he hugs her tight. She is followed quickly by Natalie and Nick. After I give them all a quick hug, I decide to leave them with Alex so that the four of them can catch up. I see Jackie talking to Jack and his friend Nick and go over to them.

“So?” she asks expectantly as soon as she sees me. “How did it go?”

“It went great.” I can’t keep the smile off my face. “Couldn’t have gone better.”

Jackie squeals and hugs me, her hair brushing my face. “Good, Is! I’m really glad.”

She links her arm with mine, and we walk over to the food tables. Jackie starts elbowing her way through the crowd, and all I have to do is follow the path of destruction that she leaves in her wake. Once we have our food, about twenty minutes later, we make our way to an empty table on the other side of the pool, which is far less populated, and sit down to eat.

I am just about to shove a huge spoonful of Snickers salad into my mouth when Mark pops up next to us, spinning a chair around and sitting in it backwards, resting his arms on the chair back. “We need to talk.”

I look over at him. “Okay, shoot.”

He gets right down to it. “What’s going on with you and Ludwig?” Jackie snorts into her food. I glare at her, and she looks back down at her plate quickly, smirking.

“We’re… uh… dating.” I cock my head at him. “I thought that was clear.”

“Okay, obviously. But I was thinking more along the lines of, like, what’s going to happen next.”

“Well, ideally, I would like for us to keep dating. If that’s okay with you, of course.”

Jackie snorts again, and Mark rolls his eyes at me. “I just want to make sure my boy is happy.”

“So this is the old don’t-you-dare-hurt-my-best-friend talk, huh?”

“I’m just saying. I’m sure Jackie said the same thing to him.”

“You’re right.” She nods. “I did.”

“Wait, what?” I lean towards her, and she shrugs. “Well,” I turn back to Mark, “you don’t have to worry. I think this is gonna stick.”

“Alright, just checking.” Mark stands up, patting me on top of the head. “You know you love me, Is.”

“You wish!” I call to him over my shoulder as he walks away, then I turn back to Jackie. “You did what now?”

“Oh, nothing.” She shoves a big bite of potato salad into her mouth, but that does not deter her from talking. “I just, you know, talked to him.” I open my mouth, but she cuts me off. “Don’t even ask me about what, because I will not tell you. It was nothing bad, I promise. I’m just looking out for you. And I mentioned to him that if he hurts you in any way, I’ll hurt him even worse.”

I snort. “Well, you do what you gotta do.” I pick up my water and take a sip. “And just so you know, Jackie…” She looks up at me. “I’d do the same for you.”

She smiles. “I know.”

We sit at that table for the next hour, the pool sparkling next to us, the sound of our cast mates and friends and family filling the air. After Mark leaves, we are joined briefly by my mom and Nina, then Annie and Dakota, then Willow, Amandla, and Sophia, then finally, Alex comes over with Natalie and Nick. Eventually I am sitting there across from Jackie, next to Alex who is rubbing the back of my neck, surrounded by Jen, Nick (Jen’s boyfriend), Josh, Miley, Liam, and Mark. And to be honest, it is a pretty surreal feeling. When we’re out in the sun all day, working, this seems like any other movie. But at times like this I realize it’s not, and I realize how big it’s going to be.

People start jumping in the pool – I think the whole thing was started by Jack throwing in Taylor, and maybe Hayley too, and Natalie decided to take revenge. Before long, almost everyone is following their lead, even Jackie. Most of the adults disperse to the dining room to have coffee or something equally boring, and everyone starts getting a lot wilder. I couldn’t go in the pool even if I wanted to (I don’t), considering I’m wearing a white tank top, so Alex sits next to me at the table, his hand on my knee, our ankles hooked around each other.

“Hey,” he whispers in my ear, his breath tickling the back of my neck. “Do you want to get out of here? Go back… to your room or something?” I notice the slight hesitation in his voice, but I don’t mention it. I watch Jack and Dayo dunk Jackie under the water, and she comes up madder than a cat that has just been forced into a bath. I see her recruit Natalie and Hayley to her revenge plot.

“Yeah,” I turn to Alex, realizing there is nothing I would like more at that moment. “Yeah, let’s go.”

The two of us slip away from the pool and past the dining room as stealthily as we can manage. I really don’t want to have to explain to my mom (in front of Nina and Gary and Chad and Nicki and Renae and everyone else) why I’m running upstairs with Alex while all of our friends are still outside. I can bet that would probably be a pretty uncomfortable conversation. So Alex keeps a lookout while I run in the front door and over to the elevator, and he follows once I’m safely out of sight.

Once I open the door to my room, I realize how messy it is. It looked like a tornado blew through it and was followed by a Mack truck. Since everyone was rushing me to get ready, I didn’t clean up any of the clothes that I had thrown out of my suitcase. My towel from my shower is still on the floor, my makeup is spread out across every flat surface in the bathroom, and my bed is completely covered by shoes, books, and candy. I slam the door shut before Alex can see inside.

“Um…” I turn to him, my hand still on the door handle. “Maybe we should go to your room instead?”

The look on his face tells me that he knows exactly why I am hesitant about letting him in my room. He smirks at me. “Sure, Belle.”

Once I step into his room, I realize I’ve never been inside it before. It looks the same as mine (obviously), but it’s quintessentially Alex. His guitar is on the bed, which is surprisingly well-made, and his phone and computer are charging on the bedside table. His suitcase is open in the corner, khaki and plaid spilling out. The balcony doors are cracked, and I can smell flowers and my mom’s cooking and a faint trace of chlorine. His script is sitting on top of The Hunger Games book, all marked up and highlighted, and next to it is his essay on Cato (Gary made us all write about our characters).

I realize that I am just standing in the door, staring, when Alex touches my shoulder. He looks uncharacteristically nervous. “You okay?” I ask him.

“Yeah.” He clears his throat. “You’ve just never been in my room before.”

I almost want to laugh at how uncomfortable he looks, but then I realize that I had the exact same thought. “Is that bad?”

“No, it’s not bad.” He makes a face at me. We are still standing by the door. “I just don’t want you to think that I… you know… want anything.”

“What do you mean, want any — oh.” I stop when I realize what he’s saying, and I can feel my cheeks going a little red. “No, I – I didn’t think… I mean, I don’t expect you to—” I realize that I am stumbling over my words, and I clear my throat. “I didn’t think that.”

“Okay.” Alex shifts his weight. “Okay, good.”

I go over to his bed and sit down on it, kicking my shoes off. Alex comes and sits next to me, almost gingerly. “Oh, relax.” I pull my legs up and scoot back against his pillows, my back touching the wall.

Alex smiles (finally) and follows me, his leg against mine. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.” He grabs the remote and turns it on. The TV is set to TBS and F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is playing. I lean back against Alex, resting my hand on his knee, his chest warm against my shoulder, and stretch my legs out, feeling my knee pop. “Did you have fun tonight?” he asks me, bringing his hand up to touch my hair.

“Yeah, I did.” I look up at him and smile. “I mean, it’s fun when everyone is together like that, right?”

“Right.” Alex leans forward, reaching behind him to adjust his pillows. That’s when I realize Alex has about six pillows, which is way more than I have.

“Hey!” I sit up, turning around too. “How did you get this many pillows?”

“I just asked.” He rolls his eyes. “We’re taking up, like, half this hotel. They basically have to listen to us.”

“Do you really need this many?”

He pouts at me. “Yes, otherwise I can’t sleep.”

“Wow, you are so high maintenance.”

Alex just stares at me, a fake shocked look on his face. “Wow, no I am not!” I raise my eyebrow at him accusingly. “I’m not,” he says again.

“Hey, if you need to convince yourself, then fine.” I hold up my hands innocently.

Alex just stares at me for a second, and then he lunges towards me, wrapping his arms around me and tackling me back onto the pillows. I can feel his hands on my sides, and before I can pull away, he starts tickling me. “Take it back, Belle!”

“Never,” I squeal, trying to squirm out from under him. But after a few minutes, I relent. “Okay, okay, okay, I take it back.” He lightens his grip on my waist, and I lay back against the pillows. Alex balances himself above me, kissing me once, twice, before settling back next to me, his arm draped over my stomach, his head nestled in the curve of my neck. We lay there in silence for a while.

“I love you, Belle,” he says sleepily, mumbling. “I’m so glad you’re mine.” When I look down at him, I can see that his eyes are closed and his breathing is getting slower, steadier. 

“I love you too, Alex.” And we lay there like that, the TV on, the balcony doors open, and eventually, we both fall asleep.


	16. Our Kind of Love

_I love the way that you were up for anything_

_Never worried bout what people say, that’s right_

_Oh that’s right. What we got is_

_Just like driving on an open highway_

_Never knowing what we’re gonna find_

_Just like two kids, baby always trying to live it up_

_Oh, yeah, that’s our kind of love_

“Five!” Everyone is shouting. “Four!” I look over at Alex, on my right, and then Jackie, on my left. “Three!” Jack is holding up his phone. “Two!” I look back at the big pile of props in front of us. “One!” And then the pile explodes. Dirt, grass, and supplies are flying everywhere. I can feel the vibrations running through the ground beneath my feet. The rest of the cast and crew around us start cheering, and we all start pulling off our goggles and noise-blocking headphones.

“Oh my God!” Jen shrieks. “I missed it!” I look over at her on my left and immediately start laughing. She has her phone in her hand and is looking out at the field with a shocked expression on her face. “I missed it! I totally missed it!”

Everyone else starts laughing too, as Jen repeats “I missed it!” about four more times.

“Were your eyes closed or something?” Chad asks her.

“No, I was looking at my phone! I totally missed it! I didn’t even get a video or anything!”

“You are such a nimrod!” Gary says to her, laughing. “You are an idiot!”

“No,” she groans. “I’ve been here for hours.” She gestures out towards the field. “We have to do it again!”

She’s right – we have been here for hours. I filmed my very last scene this morning, getting up at six to have breakfast and get to hair and makeup by seven. I could tell Nicki and Renae were actually bordering on a little emotional; they didn’t seem as hyper as they usually do. By eight o’clock, I was out at the clearing with Alex, Ian, Jackie, Jack, and Jen. We didn’t dance around like usual; instead, we just stood together in a huddle, and I could tell by the silence that none of us wanted it to end. As soon as Gary called action, I was in character, sitting under a tent on a box next to Alex, sharpening my knives. Jack and Ian were on the ground, looking bored until they spotted the column of smoke rising up through the trees.

“Guys, guys, look!” Jack jumped up, pointing with the spear in his hand. “Over here! C’mon, c’mon, look!”

Alex and I both stood up, looking off into the distance at the smoke. “Let’s go,” Alex ordered. “You stay guard till we get back.” He pointed his sword at Ian menacingly, who nodded in compliance.” I took off across the clearing, Jack and Alex behind me, tracing my footsteps.

As soon as we were safely ensconced in the trees, I stopped running, leaning down and putting my hands on my knees to catch a breath. When I turned and looked back, I saw Jackie come out of the woods and race towards our pile of supplies. She hopped around through the mounds of dirt, dodging the supposed land mines, and grabbed a few things, running behind Ian to the other side of the clearing. Ian stood up and looked around until Gary called cut.

When he called action again, I raced back into the clearing, Alex and Jack passing me this time. The prop masters had come in and dismantled the pile, making it look like it had been blown up. Alex walked through the wreckage, kicking at things, while Jack and I followed, occasionally reaching down to pick something up and stare at it. I heard Alex yelling at Ian, taking his spear and throwing it away, before miming that he was breaking Ian’s neck. And then it was completely over, the best summer of my life coming to an end as quickly as it had begun.

Alex, Jack, Jen, and Jackie converged on me, and I found myself caught in the middle of a hug. At some point, the rest of our friends had made their way to the field and all of a sudden, everyone was running towards each other, and we all ended up in a huge group hug in the middle of the clearing. I could feel Jackie crying next to me, trying to hide it in my shoulder, and I felt myself tearing up too. I caught Alex’s eye over the crowd of people and pushed my way over to him, burying my face in his shirt.

“That’s a wrap!” I heard Gary call, and all of the crew started applauding.

But it didn’t feel completely over yet, because we all knew that the crew still had to explode our supplies for real. And so we ended up sitting out in the grass for about an hour while they set it all up, and then we all gathered to watch it happen. After everyone finishes laughing at Jen, we all start walking back to the vans together. Dayo has Amandla on his back, Jack’s arm is around Jackie, and my fingers are tightly wound in Alex’s. But I know it’s still not over yet. The big wrap party is tonight; everyone will be there, dressed to the nines, eating, drinking, and dancing. I know Gary is planning to make a speech and show some of the outtakes from the shoot. It is probably the last time we will all be together.

By the time we all get back to the hotel, it is three o’clock and we still have plenty of time to relax before we have to start to get ready. Everyone splits apart. Liam, Josh, Jack, and Dayo go back to Josh’s room to play Xbox. Leven, Jen, and most of the tribute girls plus Willow decide to have a spa day in Leven’s room. Jackie and Amandla lock themselves up in Jackie’s room, probably planning one last prank on the boys. And I go to Alex’s room, where we lay on the bed and watch TV. I try not to cry, but I do a little, and I think Alex tears up a little bit too. We don’t say much, and I can feel the inevitability of the end start to hit me, becoming more and more blatant the longer I lay there. Finally, I can’t stand it any longer.

“Alex.” I roll over, resting my chin on his chest and looking up at him.

“Belle.”

“I don’t want it to end,” I say, my voice breaking in the middle of my sentence. I can’t say anything else, for risk of crying, and I put my head down on his chest.

“I know,” he whispers, pulling me closer. “I don’t either.”

I look back up at him, and he pulls me toward him, bringing his lips down over mine. I still feel like I am going to cry, but being so close to Alex helps quell that a little. I tentatively slide my hand under his shirt, feeling his muscles, hard beneath my fingers, and I deepen our kiss. He grazes my lip with his teeth and I can feel him slide his tongue into my mouth, rolling me over onto my back, rising up over me. It is more urgent than it ever has been before, and his hand is underneath my shirt, getting higher and higher. I can feel his fingers brushing over the bottom of my bra when someone bangs on the door and I jerk my head up.

“Ow.” Alex touches his mouth. “You bit my lip.”

“Sorry,” I say, pushing him off me. “Go see who that is.”

“It’s me!” Jackie calls, as if she could hear us, which I guess she probably could. “I was just gonna ask if Is was gonna come get ready with me. Cause we have to leave in like an hour.”

I stand up, straightening out my shirt. “Yeah, I’m coming.”

“Okay! I’ll meet you by your room.”

I stand up, leaving Alex on the bed. When I look back at him, he gives me a pouty look, sticking out his bottom lip. I laugh and lean back over, kissing him goodbye. “Don’t go,” he whines.

“I’ll see you there, okay, babe? I’m gonna ride with Jackie, I think.”

He grabs my wrist, pulling me back and kissing me one more time. “I love you.”

“I love you.”

I slip out the door, look both ways like I’m about to cross a street, and run down to my room. Obviously everyone knows that I’m dating Alex, but sometimes it still feels kind of awkward. I would rather everyone not know that we were in his room alone all afternoon. Although if Jackie knew, everyone probably knows.

She is standing outside my room, impatiently shifting back and forth. “Come on, come on!” Jackie grabs my arm when I get close enough, pulling me inside as soon as I unlock the door. “We have tons of work to do.”

“Oh, God, no,” I groan. All I want to do is lay down on the bed, cry a little, and then sleep for a week. The past three months are definitely starting to catch up with me, and my whole body feels heavy. I am officially exhausted. But I know Jackie would never allow that. Not on our last night in Asheville.

So I sit there patiently while Jackie curls my hair, arranging it around my face. I watch TV while she digs through my closet, throwing clothes around. I lie back on my bed and try not to fall asleep when she runs to her room, declaring that I have absolutely nothing to wear. I don’t roll my eyes when she does my makeup a lot heavier than I probably would have. I sit still. I don’t complain. I am good.

And when she’s done and she finally lets me look in the mirror, I almost don’t recognize myself. I look older, more sophisticated, but not like I’m trying too hard. It’s perfect.

“Okay, put these on.” Jackie throws a pair of nude heels at me, definitely straight from Madeline’s closet. I am going to have to have a serious talk with her when I get home about why she felt the need to pack her entire wardrobe in my suitcase. The dress I am wearing is Jackie’s – dark green, lace, long sleeves, high neck in the front and low in the back, swooping down to just over my butt, leaving my entire back bare. It’s short too, ending well above my knees. She claims she can’t wear it because it makes her look like a Christmas tree, but she tells me it looks great with my hair, which is in curls that fall down my back.

“Seriously, Is.” She stands up and walks around me, surveying her work. “You look phenomenal.”

I pull the dress down in the front. “Thanks to you.” 

“No, baby.” She kisses my cheek, turning back to the mirror to examine her face. “That’s all you. You’ve got good genes.”

Jackie looks gorgeous, even better than I do. She is wearing a short black dress with straps that crisscross in the back. Her hair is stick-straight and looks even brighter than it normally does. Her eye makeup is smoky, and her lips are bright red. She glances over at me, and decides I need one more coat of mascara before we turn off the lights and head downstairs, where Taylor and Hayley are waiting for us.

The wrap party is being held at the Asheville Events Center, which is only about five minutes from our hotel. Hayley begs Jackie to put the top of her car down, but Jackie insists that she did not spend that much time killing herself over her hair to let the wind mess it up on the way there. As we pull out of the parking lot, I see Jen standing by Josh’s car, and the two of them seem to be in deep conversation. I can’t tell if they’re really happy or really angry, but they look kind of intense. Jen looks absolutely gorgeous – her hair is straight and up in a ponytail, and she’s wearing a silver sequined dress that makes her legs look miles long. She stands almost a head above Josh. As Jackie is sitting at the edge of the parking lot, turn signal on, I see Liam join the two of them, Amandla and Willow in tow, and they all get in Josh’s car. Amandla sees me and I wave at them as Jackie pulls out.

Somehow, the five of them end up beating us there; I’m guessing it’s because we’re too busy dancing to Taylor Swift to focus on taking the fastest route. I see Josh’s car in the parking lot when we get there, and I cannot believe how full the parking lot is. I thought my mom’s barbecue was well attended – that was nothing compared to this wrap party. The parking lot is completely packed, and Jackie has to circle the entire thing before she finds a space. I see Alex’s car, and I know that he must be inside with Dayo and Jack. Jackie makes us sit in the car for five minutes before we can go in, and by the time she finally unlocks our doors, I am practically shaking with excitement, anticipation, and a little bit of nervous energy.

The events center is huge and gorgeous. We walk in the lobby, where we check our bags, and someone points us to the ballroom. When I see it, I can’t even speak. The hardwood floors are spotless and shining; there are floor-to-ceiling mirrors on all four walls, reflecting back at each other; and there is a huge gleaming black grand piano in the corner. Tables dot the floor, all covered in heavy gold tablecloths and white and gold china. Against the far wall is a huge line of tables, draped in white tablecloths and holding covered trays of food and empty champagne glasses. In the middle of the room, surrounded by the tables, is a big empty expanse of floor, which I am assuming is the dance floor. A big projector is set up against one of the walls. Above the entire room are strings of sparkly white icicle lights.

Hayley and Taylor have disappeared, running off to find Natalie and Sophia. I hear Jackie whisper a “ho-ly shit” next to me before she disappears, probably to find Jack. And I just stand there, feeling suddenly self-conscious in my borrowed dress and heels. I duck back around the corner before anyone can see me, leaning over and putting my hands on my knees, like I just took a long run. For some reason, I can barely breathe. I don’t know if it’s just a small case of anxiety or if I’m just really sad that everything is over. As I stand there, trying to catch my breath, I hear Gary yell out for everyone to find their seats and sit down. I know I need to get back in there, but I can’t move – it’s like I’m stuck to the ground.

I’m finally working up the nerve to walk back inside, wishing Jackie was still here next to me, when someone pops up next to me. “Hey,” Leven says softly. I look up, kind of shocked. Her hair is in a side ponytail, leaving one shoulder bare. She is wearing a bright white chiffon and lace high-low dress, and she is the only person I’ve ever seen make cowboy boots look fancy.

“Hey Leven.” I’m a little nervous. She hasn’t said one word to me since before Alex broke up with her.

She looks nervous too. “I’m late,” she blurts out, reaching up and adjusting one of her huge chandelier earrings.

“I’m… uh…” I straighten up and adjust my dress, pulling it down yet again. I have a feeling I’ll be doing that a lot tonight. “I’m just…”

“It’s okay,” Leven says. “I get it. Do you want to…?” She gestures towards the door, her gold bracelets clinking against each other.

“Yes. Please.” I take a deep breath, run my fingers through my hair, and walk into the ballroom next to Leven.

Gary is standing at a podium at the front of the room. Everyone is already sitting down, and it is completely silent until Gary says, “Well. Nice of you to join us, ladies.”

Leven makes a face. “Sorry, Gary. I had a wardrobe emergency and Isabelle was just helping me out.” I look over at her and mouth thanks, and she nods, scanning the room for two empty chairs. “I think it’s assigned seating,” she mutters to me.

“Leven!” Liam hisses, holding up an empty wine glass and waving it around, a piece of paper (her nametag, I’m assuming?) dangling off it, tied with a gold ribbon. And she takes off, leaving me standing there while everyone looks at me.

I am saved by Alex. I am looking around quickly, trying to spot Jackie or Jack or Dayo or anyone but there are so many people and I feel like the seconds are stretching on forever. And then I see Alex stand up, and he comes right over to me, holding out his arm. As soon as I touch him, I feel better, more at ease, comfortable, even though everyone is still staring at us. “Hey baby,” he whispers, weaving through all the tables, back to his own. “You look… incredible.”

When we get back to the table, Alex pulls out my chair, and I gratefully sit down in between him and Jack. Amandla and Dayo are on Jack’s other side, Mark and Josh next to Alex, and Jackie is straight across the circular table from me. She blows a kiss at me, snickering silently. As soon as I am sitting, I look up at Gary, who is still waiting. “Go ahead!” I wave my napkin in the air, slightly less embarrassed now that I am surrounded by my friends. I can hear my mom and Madeline laughing at a table somewhere behind me.

“As I was saying…” Gary clears his throat, and as he turns away, I can tell he’s trying not to laugh. “It’s been an honor to be able to work with so many talented people. You made my job a whole lot easier and a whole lot more fun. Some of you were troublemakers—” He glances over at our table, and everyone starts laughing. “But you were all a pleasure to be stuck in the woods with.” As he is talking, waiters start coming around, filling our glasses with water, or wine for those in the room over twenty-one. “Thank you all so much for everything,” Gary finishes. Nina appears next to him, smiling. “We appreciate all of your hard work.”

“And we have outtakes for you!” Nina announces, clapping her hands together. She gestures to one of the production assistants, who switches on the projector as someone else turns off the lights. As we sit there in the dark under the icicle lights, I feel Alex’s hand creep up my thigh and I swat it away, wrinkling my nose at him.

A moment later, Alex pops up on the screen, and Jack and Dayo start cheering. The camera pulls in tight on his face while he gives his final speech, holding Josh tight by the neck. And then he falls off the Cornucopia, Jen shoots him with an arrow, and Alex keeps screaming, to which Jen yells down “just die already!” It’s even funnier now than it was when I saw it in person, and as everyone laughs, I glance over at Alex, who is looking down at his empty plate, face bright red.

A montage of shots follows, including Jack falling down on the rocks by the river, Jackie giving herself a black eye doing a dive roll, Jen giving Josh a concussion and then freaking out about it, and (unfortunately) me falling off a giant platform. Almost everyone gets a moment in the spotlight. There is Liam and Josh freaking out after a bear ran through camp. There is the snake that Ashton and Kalia found. There is Dayo and Amandla chasing after the wild turkeys that kept running through the bloodbath. There is Nick meeting Alex for the first time, then turning to Jack and saying, “That is the most massive human being I have ever seen.” There is Alex flipping his sword around and everyone screaming at him that it’s the real one. By the time the outtakes end, everyone in the room is close to crying with laughter.

The lights come back on, and Gary yells out that it’s time to eat. We are dismissed up to the buffet table by table, to avoid fights I am sure. Jen’s table, which consists of her and her boyfriend, Liam and Miley, Willow, Alex’s brother Nick, Ashton, and Leven, and the table behind us (Ian, Tara, Imanol, Mackenzie, Hayley, Taylor, Sophia, and Natalie) get to go first, and we are left sitting there grumbling about how hungry we are. As Jack and Dayo fight over the last breadstick, I stand up, turning around and scanning the crowd until I see her already coming straight towards me.

“Izzy!”

I push past Alex’s chair. “Maddie!” I run towards my sister, and we collide in a huge hug. I haven’t seen her in a couple of months, and it’s probably one of the longest periods of time we’ve ever spent apart. She holds me at arm’s length, looking me up and down. “Okay, dear Isabelle. Everyone knows you’re a girl. You don’t have to prove it to them.” Dayo and Jack both burst out laughing, turning their laughs into coughs when Jackie smacks them both upside the head. “Just kidding, Is. You look really good.”

“Yeah, she does!” Alex chimes in, standing up and hugging Madeline.

“You had better be treating my baby sister right, Ludwig.”

“Of course I am.” He winks at her. “I wouldn’t want to have to answer to you.”

“Damn straight.” She pats his tuxedoed arm. “You’ve got a good one, Is.”

“Trust me, I know it.” I smile up at him. “You look really good, by the way.” I’ve never seen Alex so dressed up. In fact, I’ve never seen any of the boys so dressed up. They’re all wearing tuxedos, complete with cummerbunds and bow ties. “Like James Bond,” I add.

Alex grins at me, leaning down to kiss me quickly. “I just wanted to look good for my girl.” He looks me up and down quickly. “I think you’re upstaging me though. You look really amazing.”

“Thanks.” I wrap my arms around his waist, leaning against him.

Jackie comes over, putting her arms around me. “Where did I lose you at earlier, Fuhrman? I thought you were right behind me.”

“I had to go to the bathroom,” I lie.

“With Leven?” Jackie raises her eyebrow at me.

“That was just a… happy coincidence,” I mumble, trying not to glance at Alex. I don’t know how he feels about Leven, and I don’t really want to try to explain why I was too scared to walk into the room by myself. I don’t even know if I know why.

“Dinner time!” I hear Jack screech behind me, and turn around to see him running off with Dayo, Amandla close behind. It looks like it’s our table’s turn to go get food, so I say good-bye for now to Madeline and grab my plate, walking over to the buffet table with Jackie and Alex. I load up on steak, tomato, and mushroom kabobs, wild rice, bread rolls, and mashed potatoes. Jackie is right behind me, and when we hit the end of the line, she hands me the napkins while she gets our silverware.

I turn around, realizing I lost Alex somewhere along the way, and see him near the front of the line, talking to Leven, who must have just been walking back to her table with her food. Jackie comes up behind me, and I nudge her, nodding towards Alex and Leven. “What is he doing?” she asks, a note of disdain evident in her voice.

I shrug. “I don’t know.” I start walking back over to our table, and she scurries to catch up. “I don’t really care. I know he wouldn’t like cheat on me.”

“That’s not my point. My point is… he shouldn’t be talking to her!”

“He can talk to whoever he wants.” I put my plate down, pulling out my chair and sitting down. We’re the first ones back at our table, so she sits down next to me in Jack’s chair, handing me my fork and knife.

“I’m not worried about him!” Jackie says. “I’m worried about her.” I roll my eyes at her. “Okay, I’m letting it go. But I’ll flick her if you want me to.”

I snort into my water glass. “You’ll flick her?”

“Yes I will.” Jackie looks over at Alex again, clearing her throat. I glance up too, just to see what’s going on. Alex doesn’t look particularly enthused by the conversation, but he doesn’t look pissed off either. I told Jackie it doesn’t bother me, and it doesn’t, but I feel a little twinge inside. As we’re basically staring at them, Alex looks over at us and immediately excuses himself from Leven, smiling at me. I smile back, waving, and go back to my dinner.

“It’s fine, Jackie,” I tell her. “I swear.”

“Okay, okay, okay.” As Jack, Dayo, and Amandla come over, Jackie slides back down to her seat across from me. Soon after, we are joined by Josh, and then Mark and Alex, who come back together.

“Hey,” Alex says, sitting down next to me. “I wasn’t talking to her about anything, I swear. She just came up to me and—”

“Honey,” I interrupt him. “It’s okay. I trust you.”

He tilts his head and smiles. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Oh please.” Mark sits down next to Alex. “You two have got to stop.”

“Not a chance, Reardon.”

As we eat, tons of people pass by our table, coming to talk to us and to go get their own food. Soon people start trickling onto the dance floor: Jen and her boyfriend, Liam and Miley, Leven and Alex’s brother (to which he just rolled his eyes), Dayo and my sister (to which I said what?!), Annie and Ashton, Josh and Mackenzie, Hayley and Taylor and Sophia and Natalie and Amandla and Willow, Mark and Tara, Kalia and Ian, and eventually after a lot of convincing, Jack and Jackie. Alex nudges my bare thigh. “You wanna join them?”

“Not even a little.” I push my plate away and drop my napkin on top of it. “But you should go out there and get Madeline away from Dayo.”

“Come on, babe.” Alex stands up, pulling me up by my wrist. “Just for a little bit.”

“This is really a horrible idea,” I tell him, standing up reluctantly. “I’m not very coordinated, and you know that. So you’re just setting yourself up for a failure.”

“I can’t help it if I wanna show off my beautiful girlfriend.”

“Well, it’s not fair to say stuff like that.”

Alex pulls me right to the middle of the dance floor, in between Jack and Jackie and Mark and Tara. He pulls me closer, and I lock my arms around him, worried that I might fall. After a little while, Jackie pulls me away and over to Jen, who is with Amandla and Willow. “I’m going to miss you guys!” Jackie yells out over the music.

“Don’t do that.” Jen pouts at her. “You can’t make me sad on the last night.”

Amandla and Willow both hug Jackie, and Jen joins them, pulling me in with her. We stand there in the dance floor in a little huddle, and before long people start joining us: first Liam and Josh, then Jack, Dayo, and Alex, then Leven and Ian and Ashton and Mackenzie and Tara until almost everyone in the cast under the age of twenty-one is standing in the middle of the dance floor. Once we all break apart, we see everyone else standing around the edge of the dance floor, smiling at us. Somebody starts clapping, and then everyone joins in, and that’s when I realize that we’ll have this forever: this big, happy, dysfunctional family. And all I want to do is cry.

* * * * *

"Come on, come on, come on!”

“Honey, I’m wearing like four-inch heels. I couldn’t run even if I wanted to.”

Alex picks me up, almost throwing me over his shoulder. We are currently sneaking out of the events center and to his car. We danced for a while, talked to my mom and Madeline for a while, had dessert, circled the room, and then Alex whispered to me that it’s our last night and we should dip out and go somewhere to be alone.

He deposits me in the front seat of his car, closing the door and running around to the other side. We drive for a while, top down, millions of stars above us, and we end up at Lake Powhatan, the same lake we went to on our first real date. As we pull up next to the lake, I look over at Alex, who is concentrating on setting the emergency brake. I can’t help but just sit there and smile, staring at him, until eventually he glances over at me and I look away, embarrassed.

“What is it, babe?”

“I just…” I slide my hand into his. “It’s so sweet of you to do this for me.”

“I’d do anything for you.” He gets out, coming over and opening my door. “You know that, Belle.”

I stand up and he grabs the blanket out of the back of his car, spreading it out on the grass. I lower myself down on it, trying to figure out how to sit and still keep myself covered. “Can I ask you something, Alex?”

He sits down next to me, sliding his arms around my waist. I decide it’s easier to just lie down, and when I do, I can see the stars twinkling through the branches of the tree above us. He lies down next to me. I slide closer to him. “Go ahead.”

“Why did you pick me?” I think back to earlier, when I felt that twinge in my stomach when I saw Leven talking to Alex. “Over Leven, or anyone else. Just… why me?”

“Belle.” He rolls onto his side, facing me. “Because… because you’re you.”

I stare at him. “What does that mean?” 

He slides his hand behind my neck. “The first time I saw you, I thought that you were just so gorgeous and perfect and you were just this little, gorgeous, perfect thing. And then you talked to me, and I realized how smart you were and how cute you looked when you got embarrassed and the look on your face the first time I called you Belle.”

“But why not Leven?” I know that at this point I am just pressing the issue, but I feel like I just need to know, because soon we might not have this.

“I knew as soon as I met you that you were the one,” he says softly. “I knew, and I was too scared to say anything. But there’s something about you that I’ve never seen in anyone else. And then we became friends, and then best friends, and now I can’t imagine… being with anyone else.”

“But I—”

“Belle.” He rolls on top of me, supporting his weight with his elbows. “You’re my future.” I stare up at him. “I just…” He trails off.

“You just…?”

“I just wonder what magic could make you see yourself the way the rest of us do.”

I bite my lip, trying not to tear up. It’s still kind of surreal to me that I have this beautiful boyfriend who says stuff like that to me. I reach up and put my arms around his neck, pulling him down towards me. I kiss him once, and then I just hold him tight, staring up at the sky over his shoulder.

Maybe if I close my eyes, I can just get time to stand still, so that I don’t have to wake up tomorrow and leave the place where I experienced the best summer of my life.


	17. Enchanted

_This is me praying that this was the very first page_

_Not where the story line ends_

_My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again_

_These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon_

_I was enchanted to meet you_

“You know, Francis Ford Coppola cried on the set of The Godfather. So it’s okay to cry, Isabelle.” Jack is lying on my bed with Jackie, a pillow over his face, as I sit on the floor, throwing clothes and shoes and makeup into my suitcase. Dayo is in the chair next to the window, Amandla on his lap. Alex is sprawled out on the floor in front of the TV.

I look up at Jack. “I’m not the one crying.”

“I’m not crying!” His voice is muffled by the pillow, and Jackie tries to stifle her laugh, rather unsuccessfully. “I am not!” he repeats emphatically.

“Do you realize how much shit is under your bed, Belle?” Alex rolls over, reaching under the bed.

“What?” I drop down on my stomach next to him, and he bursts out laughing.

“I’m just kidding.” Alex rolls over and kisses my cheek. I sit up and swat him away.

“That is not funny.” I turn back to my suitcase. “I’m already pretty sure that all this stuff is not going to fit.”

“You know, I can take some stuff back for you, babe.”

“Wow, I wish I had my own personal Sherpa,” Dayo chimes in.

Jack laughs and looks over at him, pulling the pillow from his face. “Maybe you don’t have your own Sherpa, but you could probably be one for Madeli—” He stops as Jackie smacks him in the stomach.

“You could be one for who?” I look up at Jack. “He could be one for who?”

“Oh, keep your pants on, Fuhrman.” Jack rolls over, burying his face back in his pillow. I don’t have the energy to deal with him or Dayo at the moment, so I just go back to packing.

It is our last morning in Asheville, and I am exhausted. After Alex and I got back from the lake last night, everyone else was already back at the hotel. We were going to just go to sleep, but then we heard the noises – the television on loud competing with the radio and the voices of all of our cast mates. So we followed the noise down to Josh’s room, walking in to see everyone – literally everyone: all twenty-four tributes, plus Liam and Willow – crowded into Josh’s room.

“What up, love birds?” Jen said, looking up at us as we edged our way into the room. She was lying on her stomach on the bed next to Josh and Liam, fighting to keep control of the remote. “Where did you two get off to?”

“Nowhere,” I said, crawling onto the bed next to Jackie and kicking Liam’s legs aside. Alex flopped down next to me, basically filling up the rest of the bed. Jackie, busy braiding Amandla’s hair, gave him a look.

“You are bouncing the bed, Ludwig.” She combed her fingers through Amandla’s hair, starting over.

“Oh, sorry.” He wrinkled his nose at her, bouncing a few more times before settling down.

I looked around the room, seeing what everyone else was doing. Leven, Tara, Willow, Dakota, and Annie were dancing around to LMFAO, and everyone else was involved in some huge game of Twister next to the bed. As I watched, Kalia collapsed on top of Ian, taking Ashton, Jack, and Jeremy down with her. We all pulled an all-nighter, ordering pizza, dancing, playing poker (which Jack and Dayo unsuccessfully tried to turn into strip poker), and talking. Jackie even convinced everyone to take a turn on the Twister mat, and after a lot of deliberation, Amandla was declared the Twister Queen. It was absolutely the best possible way we could have spent our last night together.

Unfortunately, now we’re all sleep-deprived with a long day of travel ahead of us. I’m flying back to LA with my mom, and Madeline. Jackie is going to Washington, D.C. Jack is going to New York. Alex is going to Vancouver. Leven is going to Texas. Jen and Josh are going to Kentucky. Liam is going to Tennessee with Miley. It’s weird to think that we’re all going to be split up, but basically everyone is coming back to Los Angeles within a couple of weeks. If I keep repeating that fact in my head, I feel a little bit better about the whole thing.

The truth is I don’t want to be away from these people. Yes, we’ve had fights, some of us more than others. But there’s nothing like sticking a whole mess of people in the woods for two and a half months to insure some effective bonding. I never would have thought going into this summer that I would have made a new best friend or gotten to tackle the star of a movie or fallen in love. And I’m not really sure how the whole relationship thing works in the first place, much less being 1300 miles apart after being together constantly for two months.

I shove the last of my clothes into my suitcase and climb on top of it, smashing it down so I can zip it. Alex laughs, knocking my hand out of the way to do it himself. “Thanks, baby.”

“Anytime, Belle.” Alex stands up, pulling me up with him. “You ready to go?”

We’re all flying out of the international airport in Charlotte, because it’s the closest airport that has flights into LAX. Unfortunately, Charlotte is about two hours away, which basically just means I have to leave my friends even earlier than I thought. Alex’s flight leaves forty minutes before mine, so he’s coming to the airport with my mom and Madeline and me.

I look around my room for the last time, remembering the first time I walked into it. Alex had been there that night, and I realize that he is in most of my memories from this summer. It was the night we met, the night we snuck into the training center, and he insisted on walking me back to my room. I opened the door and switched on the light, noting that the bellhops had managed to bring up my bags. I turned around to face Alex, my hand on the doorknob. “Well… thanks for tonight. I had fun.”

“I knew you were a troublemaker. You just needed somebody to bring out that side of you.”

I looked down and smiled, blushing a little. “Don’t get used to it.”

“Good night, Belle.” For a second, I thought he was going to hug me or something, and he was close enough for me to feel the warmth radiating off him. But instead, he just smiled at me, that little crooked half-smile that became so familiar, and walked away, leaving me wondering.

And look at us now.

“Yeah,” I say softly as Jackie, Jack, Dayo, and Amandla file out the door, leaving just Alex and me standing there. “Yeah, let’s go.” Alex puts his arm around my shoulder, grabbing my suitcase and my duffel bag, and walks out of the room with me.

We stop in his room to get his stuff, and by the time we get downstairs and check out, everyone is waiting there for us. Alex goes over to Jack and Dayo, and I start with Jen and Josh, who I suddenly realize have been very cozy these last few days. Each good-bye is harder to say, and by the time I get to Amandla and Willow, I am in tears. But when I get to Jack and Dayo, I can barely speak.

“We’re gonna miss you, little Izzy.” Jack puts his arms around my shoulders, pulling me towards him, and I can swear that he is looking a little misty-eyed.

“But don’t worry,” Dayo chimes in, trying to pull me away from Jack. “We’ll be back in LA soon.”

“A week,” Jack adds.

“Yeah, we’ll both be back in a week.”

“You guys—” I choke out. I pull back, looking up at them, and Dayo sticks out his bottom lip at me. Jack pulls his sleeve over his hand, wiping the tears off my cheeks. All I can get out is, “Thank you.” And I immediately feel like it’s a horribly inadequate thing to say to two people who so drastically affected you. But because they’re Jack and Dayo, they understand.

“We know, Is.”

“We love you.” Jack hugs me one more time, then Dayo. And then I am walking away from them, trying to stop crying. But it’s useless, because next is Jackie.

Before I can even say anything, she is hugging me, and I’m crying, and I can tell she’s crying too because I can feel it. We stay like that for a long time, holding each other and crying. And eventually she pulls back, wiping her cheeks. “I love you, Is,” she whispers.

“I love you too.” I want to say something else, something more, something about how I never thought I would find a friend as wonderful as her. I want to tell her how much she has changed my life, how I probably would have sat in my room all summer if it hadn’t been for her, how because of her I had the best summer of my life. But all I can get out is, “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

She opens her mouth to say something, but she just starts crying again, taking a big, shaky breath. “I’ll see you soon.” Her words come out in a squeak, and I pull her close one more time.

“Bye, Jackie.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “No good-byes. Just… talk soon.”

I smile a watery smile, trying to keep it together for a couple of minutes longer. “Talk soon.”

As I turn around, Alex puts his arm around my shoulders, holding me tight to his side, holding me together. I twist around, looking back at Jackie who has her face buried in Jack’s chest. She can either tell that I looked back or she just has impeccable timing, but she looks up at me and gives me a two-fingered wave. I return it just before Alex pushes open the hotel doors for the last time.

I think I fall asleep in the car, curled up against Alex’s side in the backseat. Madeline is shotgun, changing the radio every three seconds, and I try to ignore her, focusing only on Alex and the fact that I can hear his heartbeat. I try to match my breathing to its sound, calming myself down, and before I know it, we’re pulling up to the car rental agency, transferring our bags to the airport shuttle. Too soon, we are being dropped off at Departures.

My only thought as we stand in line to get our boarding passes is that three months ago I didn’t even know Alex, and now we’re at an airport together. Three months ago I didn’t know him, and now I am telling him I love him. Three months ago we were complete strangers, and now I am dreading leaving his side. It’s crazy how much can change in three months.

In three months, we made a movie. In three months, I made friends I can probably count on for the rest of my life. In three months, I met a guy who tells me I’m beautiful, tells him I’m his future, tells me he’ll do anything for me, tells me he loves me. In three months, I realized what it feels like to fall in love for the first time and why people write songs about it.

“We wanted you to have a chance to hang out together, have fun, make some memories, bond,” Gary had said to all of us. And that’s what we did.

“Instant camaraderie,” Dayo had described it.

“You’ll never have anything like this again,” everyone had told us.

In three months, I gained a family: a big, dysfunctional one. We fought a little, and we loved a lot, and I had never in a billion years thought I would ever find people as great as the ones I met in June. And now I just have to walk away from it all.

I squeeze Alex’s hand as we walk to the screening area. I wait impatiently for him to get through security. I start crying again as we walk to his gate. My mom and Madeline disappear, to Starbucks or McDonalds or something, to give us our privacy. His flight is just starting to pre-board, and he turns to me. All I can focus on are his eyes, the first thing I ever noticed about him, which are now shining with tears, and that’s all it takes for me to completely lose it.

Alex gathers me up in his arms, holding me tightly to him. I wrap my arms around his waist, and I can feel him start to cry.

“Don’t,” I say to him, my voice muffled into his shirt. “Don’t cry. You’re only going to make me sadder.”

“I’m not crying,” he says, but his voice gives him away. “I don’t cry.”

I snort through my tears, and pull back, looking up at him. “I love you.”

“I love you more. And don’t you forget it.” Alex leans down, kissing me softly, and I can feel the tears on his cheeks. He kisses me for a while, and I almost forget that we’re standing in the middle of an airport. I almost forget he’s about to leave.

Eventually I vaguely hear someone announce that they’re boarding zones two and three, and I know Alex has to go. “Okay, Belle.” He pulls back, kissing me one more time, and wipes his face quickly with his wrist. “I’ll see you in two weeks. That’s all it is, just two weeks.”

“Two weeks,” I repeat, trying to keep my voice from shaking. “I’ll see you in two weeks.”

“I love you, Isabelle Fuhrman.”

“I love you, Alex.” And I let him go. He walks away, turning back to wave once before he disappears onto the jetway.

I take a deep breath, and turn around to see my mom and Madeline standing there. I am overwhelmingly grateful for their presence all of a sudden, and I walk over to them, letting them envelop me in a hug. An hour later, I am sitting on the plane next to Madeline, staring out the window, watching as North Carolina and the best summer of my life disappear beneath me. I close my eyes and rest my head against the window and think of Alex, somewhere out there in the sky, going home.

_All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you._


	18. It's Time

_I don’t ever wanna let you down; I don’t ever wanna leave this town_

_Cause after all, this city never sleeps at night_

_It’s time to begin, isn’t it?_

_I get a little bit bigger, but then I’ll admit_

_I’m just the same as I was_

_Now don’t you understand that I’m never changing who I am?_

The smell is different. The sounds are different. Even the air, it seems, is different. I lay in bed (my bed in my room in my house), and even though I can feel in my bones just how exhausted I am, I can’t sleep, because everything is different. I can’t smell the honeysuckle or see the moon outside my window. Jackie and Alex aren’t just down the hall. I won’t wake up tomorrow to a hotel breakfast or my best friends jumping on my bed. Everything has changed.

I roll over, pulling the covers with me and glancing at my phone. The texts had come raining in all day, people telling me they had gotten home safely and asking how our flight had gone. Jackie, then Jack, Amandla, Dayo, Jen and Josh, Liam, even Leven. Alex had been the last to land, and he had texted me a couple of hours after we landed, telling me he got home safe and would call me tomorrow. It just felt weird going to bed without seeing him, and now I can’t sleep.

I get up and turn on the TV, changing channels until I see that A Cinderella Story just started. I crawl back into bed, pulling the covers tight over me. It might be August, but I sleep with the ceiling fan on full blast, and it’s slightly chilly in my room.

“We were going to be one big happy family,” I hear Hilary Duff say. “Unfortunately, this was no fairytale.”

I look out my window, expecting to see the moon and being greeted only by the city lights and the smog above Los Angeles. I wonder what Alex is doing right now, whether he’s having a good time with his family, whether he’s sleeping or eating or watching TV, whether he’s thinking of me.

“But, Sam… you know, fairy tales aren’t just about finding handsome princes.” I glance back at my TV. “They’re about fulfilling your dreams and about standing up for what you believe in.”

I fall asleep as Hilary and Dan Byrd and Regina King are trying to figure out what Hilary is going to wear to the Halloween Dance to meet Chad Michael Murray. And when I wake up nineteen hours later, my TV is off and Madeline is sitting at the foot of the bed, petting Jennings and eating French toast sticks and staring at me. I narrow my eyes at her when I see her.

“Um… what are you doing?”

“Just waiting for you to wake up, little Fuhr.” She shoves the last bite of French toast in her mouth, jumping and pulling up my covers.

I glare at her and try to pull them back. “Were you just sitting there staring at me?”

“Oh, please. Like I would do that. I have much better things to do.”

"You were. You totally were.” Jennings crawls up to me, his silky little tail wagging. “Hi, bud!” I pet him, my voice rising to that higher pitch that everyone’s does when they’re talking to a dog. “Did you miss me?”

“He did not.” Madeline is ripping through my dresser drawers, throwing stuff on the floor. “Where the hell are all your clothes?”

“In my suitcase.” I roll over, pulling a pillow over my head to try to block her out. “I just got back from being in North Carolina for three months, remember?”

She turns around, and I know she’s making a face at me, even though I can’t see her. “Well, get up. It’s lunchtime and we’re going out. You and me. Big sister time.”

I resign myself to the fact that Madeline probably will not let me go back to sleep and sit up, startling Jennings, who jumps off the bed. “Do we have to?”

She turns around and gives me a glare, throwing shorts and a t-shirt at me. “Yes, we do. We can even go to Pete’s and I won’t tell Mom.”

That is enough to get me out of bed. Pete’s is a bistro in downtown LA, and I haven’t had a really good burger in three months. They have veggie burgers, so my mom is willing to go there, but going with Madeline is a lot more fun because I get to eat real meat and not feel too guilty about it. Most of the vegan stuff my mom makes is actually really good, but a girl needs some protein every once in a while.

Madeline doesn’t let me shower. She barely even gives me enough time to brush my teeth. I am still trying to put my hair into a ponytail when she pushes me out the door and into her car. Once we’re sitting down and have given our orders to the waiter, she turns to me, and I know I’m about to be interrogated.

And sure enough, the first words out of her mouth are, “So how are things going with Mr. Ludwig?”

I wait for the water to set down my Coke in front of me and take a sip before I answer her. “Things are going great. Couldn’t be better.”

She is quiet for a while, poking the ice in her drink with her straw. “I’m your older sister, so it’s in my job description to be overwhelmingly over-protective of you, you know.” I don’t say anything, because I know she’s not done. “He’s… you know… kind of older than you. And I just need to be sure you’re… safe.”

“Safe? What does that even mean?”

Madeline sighs loudly. “You know. Like I don’t think you should be too invested. I don’t think I can handle seeing you get hurt.”

I clench my back teeth together. I am starting to feel like everyone expects Alex to hurt me. Like they’re all just waiting for it to happen so they can pick up the pieces for me. “I can’t help how I feel. And he treats me right. Yeah, I know he’s older. And yeah, it is kind of weird, I suppose. But I’m happy.”

“Well, that’s what I want.” She shakes out her napkin, dropping it onto her lap. “I want you to be happy.”

“He’s a good guy, Madeline.” I think back to all of the things Alex has said to me, the things that showed me that he is a lot deeper than he comes off. And I remember watching him die, over and over and over, and thinking how great of an actor he actually was. “He’s a good person.”

“I know, Is. You’re my baby sister though, and you’re always going to be my baby sister, no matter how grown up you actually get.”

I smile, sitting back as the waiter puts down our plates in front of us. “Well, thanks, Maddie.” I take a huge bite of my burger. “Oh my God. I missed this.”

I didn’t realize how much I actually missed LA until this moment. I missed Madeline and my mom and my dad and Jennings and California, and even though I was off having the best summer of my life, it’s nice to come home. It’s nice to know that I was missed. “So what do you want to do for the rest of the day?” Madeline asks me.

I shrug. “I don’t know. I figured you had plans already.”

She reaches over and pinches my cheek. “No way. I cleared my schedule so I could spend time with my little baby sister.”

“You have got to stop calling me that.”

“Make me.”

We spend the rest of the afternoon shopping and walking around downtown LA. And I don’t even have time to miss Alex all that much, because I’m having such a good time with my sister. But in the back of my mind, I keep turning over the words she said to me. I don’t think you should be too invested. Maybe she’s right. Maybe everyone is right. Maybe Alex is just going to end up hurting me. But the truth is I am already very invested. I want it to work so badly. I am one hundred percent in, and I can’t just back out now.

When we get back home, I suddenly realize how exhausted I am, and I go to my room, turn on the TV, and lie down with my computer. Twenty minutes later, my computer screen lights up with a Skype call from Alex. I quickly sit up and comb through my hair with my fingers before I answer it.

“Hey baby!” I hear his voice before the picture pops up, and I can’t help but smile. When I see him, it’s almost a shock. We’ve barely been apart, but he’s so far away and it’s weird to just see him on my computer screen and not in person. He’s sitting there smiling at me, and I can see Natalie sitting on the couch in the background, watching TV.

“Hey Alex,” I say back softly, grinning at him. “How are you doing?”

“Well, it’s nice being home. I really missed it. But I really, really miss my beautiful girlfriend.”

“Ewwwww.” I hear Natalie yell out from behind him.

I laugh. “I miss you too.” Jennings jumps on my bed and into my lap. “Say hi to Alex, Mister Jennings!” Jennings barks and Alex bursts out laughing. “So… when do you think you’re coming back?”

“You miss me that much, huh?” He smirks at me.

“Just a little.”

“Well, it’s going to be probably about three weeks.” We are both quiet for a second. Three weeks? I think. At first, he was saying just one or two. But I know he’s with his family, and that’s a good thing. And I don’t want to seem like a clingy girlfriend by bringing it up. So I’m thankful when he explains, saying, “I know it’s longer than we expected. But I think I should spend as much time with my mom and dad and Nick and Natalie and Soph as possible before I leave again.”

“No, you’re right. That’s a good idea.”

“When is Jackie getting back?”

“At the end of the week, I think.”

“Yeah, Jack and Dayo too. And Lev said she’ll be back next week with Jen and Josh,” he says, looking over his shoulder at Natalie.

I am left wondering for a second when exactly he talked to Leven about her travel plans, but then realize I’m just being stupid. He obviously has nothing to hide. If he did, then he wouldn’t have brought Leven up in the first place.

“Well,” I clear my throat, “I can’t wait for you to come back.”

“Me too, babe.”

“Okay, yuck.” This time the interjection comes from my sister. She saunters into my room and throws herself down on my bed next to me. “Not in front of Jennings!”

“Oh, ha ha.” I roll my eyes at her. “Do you need something?”

“Yeah, Mom and Dad want to know if you wanna go to a movie. And the answer is yes, you do. So let’s go.” Madeline scoots closer to the computer so that Alex can see her. “Hello there Ludwig.”

“Hey Maddie.” Alex waves at her. “How you doin’?”

“Fabulous.” She pokes me in the side and Jennings jumps up. 

“Okay, well I gotta go, I guess. I’ll call you later.”

“Alright. Bye, Belle. I love you.”

I glance over at Madeline, and she bites her lip at me, trying not to laugh. “Oh, shut up. Love you too, Alex.”

“Aww, baby sister!” she shrieks as soon as I disconnect the call. “Look at you! You go away for a summer and come back with the gorgeous boyfriend and you’re all in love and I am never letting you out of my sight ever again.” She pushes me off the bed and towards the door.

I spend the rest of the night wishing that Alex were here. We had a great time in North Carolina, but no other city will ever compare to Los Angeles, and all I want is for him to be in it with me.


	19. Do You Think About Me

_Sometimes I wonder if you wonder_

_What it could have been like_

_When you’re sitting there drinking coffee_

_Are you thinking of me_

_When it’s thundering and raining outside_

Everyone is back. Everyone except for Alex, that is. They are all scattered around our game room, playing pool and Ping-Pong, watching TV, and eating pizza. Jackie had been crashing in my room almost every night since she got back to LA, and since Amandla (who was the only one still gone) flew back last night, Jackie decided we needed to have a Hunger Games party. So she called everyone, inviting them over to my house, and an hour later she is sitting on the floor with Jack, Dayo, Jen, Madeline, and Liam playing poker.

Jack ended up beating Jackie back. He showed up at my door at seven in the morning, hyper as ever. My mom let him in and he came running up to my room, pounding on the door and then jumping on my bed, screaming that I should wake up. He dragged me downstairs, and my mom made us waffles. She loves Jack. We spent the rest of the day hanging out and watching TV and talking about Jackie (my idea). He refused to tell me anything, which makes me even more sure that there is something going on between them. My mom insisted that he stay for dinner, and he ended up falling asleep on our living room couch with the TV on and Jennings curled up on his stomach.

Jack was still on the couch the next morning when Jackie showed up with a couple of squeals and a gift bag. Thankfully, I was already eating breakfast and did not have to be subjected to someone jumping on my bed and screaming to wake me up.

“Baby girl!” She let herself into my house; when I looked up from my cereal, she was just standing in the doorway grinning, her hair down and loose around her shoulders.

“You’re here!” I squealed, jumping up and hugging her. “Oh my God, you’re back!”

Jackie sat down at my kitchen table, pouring herself a bowl of cereal. “I am back. And I am so glad to be back, let me tell ya.”

“Why, because Jack is—”

“Hey!” Jack himself cut me off, stumbling through the kitchen doorway, his hair matted in the back for sleeping. “You’re back!”

Jackie stood up, a huge smile spreading over her face. I kept my eyes trained on the Cinnamon Toast Crunch squares floating in my bowl. Jack hugged her tightly, releasing her only when I slurped the cereal from my spoon, snapping them both out of their trance. “Hey,” Jackie said back softly, her cheeks suddenly red. “How was New York?”

“Well, it was still there,” Jack said, sitting down beside Jackie. “And I got all registered for classes for this coming year.”

“Wait, what?” I dropped my spoon into my bowl, splashing cinnamon-flavored milk on the table. “Classes where? At NYU?”

“Well, yeah. That’s where I go to school.” Jack looked down at the table, tracing my mom’s braided placemat with his finger.

“But that means you’ll be gone for a while.”

“Just for next semester. I mean, after that we have the press tour, so I’ll probably only be able to go for fall semester. It’s just a few months.”

I looked over at Jackie, who was looking down too, and I knew that she already knew this was coming, that she expected it, that they probably talked about it already. “Well, that sucks.”

Jack grabbed the cereal, dragging it over to him. “I know. I wish I could be here.”

Jackie still hadn’t said anything at that point, so I kicked her under the table, my way of asking her if she was okay. She nodded at me almost imperceptibly, and I decided to just drop it for now.

“So did you bring me a present?” Jack poked at the bag Jackie had deposited on the empty chair.

“That is not for you, Merquaid.” She grabbed it from him, pushing it over towards me. “That is for my baby girl.” She nudged it towards me. “Here. Open.”

I pulled out the tissue paper, revealing the signature blue Tiffany & Co. that every girl on earth can identify on sight. I untied the white ribbon and opened the box to see a silver chain bracelet with a brushed pink heart dangling from one of the links. “Oh my God.”

“You like?” Jackie pushed her hair back, leaning forward excitedly.

“I love!” I held it out to her. “Can you put it on?” She fastened it around my wrist. “Oh my God, Jackie. I love it! Thank you, thank you, thank you.” I held it up in front of my face, watching the light bounce off it as it twisted around, slowly spinning.

“I have one too!” Jackie held up her own wrist, revealing an almost-identical bracelet with a light green heart instead of a pink one. “They’re friendship bracelets.”

“I want one!” Jack pouted from across the table, smirking as Jackie threw a napkin at him.

I look down at my bracelet now, dangling against my wrist as I grab my pool cue, hip-checking Josh out of the way. “My turn, Hutcherson. Move it.” He wrinkles his nose at me, stepping to the side. I lean down over the table, steadying my pool cue, and knock the striped purple ball into the pocket. “Ooh, I get to go again.”

Josh stomps his foot. “You didn’t tell me you were good at this game when you agreed to play it.”

“That is not my problem.” I move around the table, repositioning my pool cue, and knock another striped ball into a pocket. “My turn again.”

“Oh, come on.” He follows me around the table, taking the cue from me. “That’s enough of that.”

“Hey!” I make a grab towards it, but he pulls it out of my reach.

“Nope, no more pool. It’s doing a number on my self-esteem.” He puts his arm around my shoulder, steering me towards the circle of poker players on the floor. “Can we join? Isabelle is kicking my ass at pool.”

“Absolutely.” Jen pats the spot next to her, moving closer to Liam. Leven slides in on Liam’s other side, leaving Amandla and Willow at the Ping-Pong table. I sit down between Jackie and Dayo, who throw down their cards in the center of the circle.

“Good, because I was losing,” Jackie says, taking a sip of Coke.

“Alright.” Dayo gathers up the cards, shuffling them. “Five card draw, aces high.”

I glance over at Jackie, not sure if I really know how to play poker. I tell this to her, and she whispers back, “It’s easy. Just follow my lead.” She puts a red chip in the center of the circle, so I do too, and then so does everyone else. “That’s the ante. It’s like the bet. Everyone has to put one in to start the game.”

“I know that.”

Dayo begins dealing the cards, throwing them down onto the carpet in front of us until we all have five. He taps the deck against his knee and places it in the center next to all the chips. I pick up my hand, rearranging my cards. “Whatcha got?” Jackie leans over, trying to look at my cards.

“Hey! Stay on your side, Emerson.”

Everyone gets quiet as they look at their cards. I glance up and see Jack making a face at his. Leven looks supremely satisfied, and Jen is trying to get a peek at Josh’s. Madeline, sitting on the other side of Dayo, clears her throat. “Alright, Is, you have to go first.”

“What? Why?”

“You’re on the dealer’s left,” Jackie whispers to me. “You have to either open or check.” I stare at her blankly. “Open is placing the first bet. Check is passing to me.”

I was right: I definitely don’t think I’ve ever played this game before.

“Um… I open?” Jackie nods, telling me to put another chip in the pot. I look over at her, and she sees my bet, pushing her own red chip next to me. Jack and Leven do the same, but Liam, Jen, and Josh all fold. Maddie sees the bet, but Dayo folds, throwing his cards facedown into the center of the circle. And then it’s my turn again.

“What do I do?” I whisper hurriedly to Jackie. She glances at my cards. “Those suck, Is.” She glances up. “Isabelle needs three.” She pulls three cards out of my hand, throwing them at Dayo, and he gives me three more.

“Maybe you two should just be a team,” Jack says, sticking his tongue out at us.

“Maybe you should focus on your own game, cause God only knows you suck at it,” Jackie throws back at him. Jen laughs, pulling the bowl of pretzels over to her and Josh. Jackie turns back to me. “Okay, you’re good. You wanna raise.”

“Okay, I raise.” She takes two of my chips and throws them into the center.

“And I am going to fold and just play Isabelle’s cards because mine suck.”

“Ha!” Jack nudges her in the side with his elbow. “I knew it.” She glares at him until he says, “Yeah, I fold too.”

Leven matches my bet, but Madeline folds. Now it’s just the three of us (well, technically the two of us, since Jackie and I are now a team). “We raise,” Jackie says. Leven raises too. She glances at me. “Okay, we’re all in.” She pushes our entire mountain of combined chips into the center, raising her eyebrow at Leven.

“Okay, so that’s how it is.” Leven glances down at her cards, the pile of curls on top of her head dropping slightly. “I’m all in too.” She pushes her pile forward, stealing some of Liam’s chips along the way, and looks up, grinning at me.

Leven and I haven’t talked much. Our only conversation since she and Alex broke up was the short one outside the ballroom at the wrap party. But she’s been nice. And she came over tonight, which I don’t think she would do if she were really pissed at me. I don’t want her to be pissed at me. But I have kind of an uneasy feeling, like she’s secretly mad or holding a grudge or hiding something.

“Reveal your cards, ladies.” Dayo bounces up and down, and Madeline laughs, tapping his knee. Yuck.

Leven lays her cards down. “She has a straight,” Jackie whispers to me. “That’s when—”

“I know what a straight is.” I wrinkle my nose at her. “I’m not quite sure what we have though.”

Jackie smirks, clearing her throat. “Well… you better make sure no one is in the shower, because—” She lays down our cards—“I gotta flush.”

“Hey, look at you!” Jack high fives her. Everyone starts whooping and pushing the chips towards me and Jackie.

I hear my phone start ringing and I pull it out, glancing at the screen. “Oh hey, it’s Alex!” I say reflexively, before I can pull the words back. I swipe at the screen, answering the call. “Hey! Everyone’s here,” I say before he can reply, turning speaker on and putting the phone into the center of the circle, on top of the cards.

"Hey!” Alex’s voice rises out of the phone.

Everyone yells something back, including Amandla and Willow, who skip over from the Ping-Pong table, plopping themselves down next to Jen and Josh.

“We miss you, man,” Dayo says, leaning closer to the phone.

“Yeah!” Jack cuts him off. “When are you coming back?”

“Two weeks,” Alex says. I can hear Sophia yelling in the background, something along the lines of Nick! That’s the last time you put a bucket on my head!

“Noooo, that’s too long!” Jen says

“I know, I miss you all.” Alex clears his throat. “Can I… ah… talk to my girlfriend now?”

“Oh, sure, just go ahead and ditch us,” Josh snorts.

“Bye, Alex!” Jackie calls in the direction of the phone. Everyone else follows her lead, a chorus of byes, see you soons, and text mes floating in Alex’s direction. I stand up, grabbing my phone, my new friendship bracelet clinking against it. As I walk around the circle, I catch a glimpse of Leven, who is pulling at her hair, almost nervously. She doesn’t meet my eyes, and I realize that maybe she feels a little weird. But I push the thought out of my head as I slide open the glass doors and step out onto the patio. It’s raining, a light drizzle, and I contemplate going upstairs instead, but the rain is warm and I decide to sit outside.

“Hey,” I say again.

“Hey.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “You all having fun over there?”

“Yeah, it’s been good.” I pause. “I wish you were here though.”

“Me too, Belle. Me too. What have you guys been doing?”

I sit down on the swing, pulling one leg up against my stomach. “Um, I played pool for a while, and I ate pizza, and I learned how to play poker. Kind of.”

Alex laughs. “How’d you do?”

“Oh, Jackie and I won. We got a flush.” I rest my other foot on the ground, pushing myself back and forth as I talk. “I had no idea what was going on, but it was fun.”

I can hear the distant sound of thunder and smell my mom’s jasmine, spread out around the swing, almost overpowered by the fresh, clean scent of the rain. “We can play poker when I get back, Belle. I’ll teach you how to play for real.”

“Good.” I sit there, quiet for a moment. The moonlight is spread across the grass, bathing everything in silver. “How was your day?”

“It was fun. Natalie and I hiked Grouse Mountain, and then my mom made stroganoff and it was awesome.” I can hear him yawn. “I’m fucking exhausted though. I didn’t realize how big of a hike that actually is.”

“It sounds fun.” I watch the droplets fall past me, catching the moonlight. We are both quiet for a little while, and in the silence I wonder what he’s thinking about. “I should probably… ah, get back in there.”

“Oh yeah.” Alex clears his throat. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Two weeks, right?”

“Two weeks,” he says. “I’ll be there.”

I smile. “I love you.”

“Love you, Belle.” And he’s gone.

Instead of going back inside right away, I stay on the swing, looking up at the moon and remembering the times I was underneath it with Alex. A couple of minutes later, Jackie steps out onto the patio. I hear the sound of Leven laughing, and Jack and Dayo yelling – it sounds like they’re playing Just Dance – before Jackie slides the door shut behind her.

“Hey Is.” She sits down next to me, making the swing shift back and forth. “You’re just sitting out here in the rain?”

“Yeah.” I pull my other foot up, sitting cross-legged. “How are you doing?”

“I’m good. Are you asking for any specific reason?”

“Well, with Jack about to leave and all… we haven’t really talked about it.” I glance over at her.

She rests her head against the back of the swing, looking up. “Well, it sucks. But he’ll only be gone for a couple of months. We’ll get through it.” She looks up, back over at me. “I mean, you’re doing okay, right? With Alex being gone?”

“Yeah. I wish he were here, obviously. But he’ll be back soon.”

Jackie puts her arm around me, and we sit there for a little while before she gets back up, holding out her hand to me. We go back inside together, out of the rain, back to our friends. And as I sit on the couch next to Jackie, watching Leven and Jack and Dayo play Just Dance, all I can think of is Alex, wondering once again if he’s thinking about me the way I’m thinking about him. Two weeks can’t pass quickly enough.


	20. Stay Stay Stay

_You took the time to memorize me, my fears, my hopes and dreams_

_I just like hanging out with you all the time_

_All those times that you didn’t leave_

_It’s been occurring to me_

_I would like to hang out with you for my whole life_

“Noodles… check. Spaghetti sauce… check. Garlic bread… check. What are we forgetting?” I am standing underneath the bright lights of Whole Food next to Jackie, who is currently consulting a list. “Oh, salad. And dessert.”

“Do you think this is enough?” I look into the cart at the boxes of noodles and jars of sauce. “I mean, the guys will be there, so…”

“Maybe a little more? Just to be safe?” She pulls a couple more boxes off the shelf, throwing them into our cart and pushing it down the aisle. I scramble to catch up with her.

Tonight everyone is coming over to my house to make dinner. Jackie came up with the idea last night after we went back inside and joined everyone else. So this morning we got up kind of early and drove to Whole Foods to buy stuff for dinner.

As Jackie walks down the aisle, throwing things in the cart, I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket. “Hello?”

“Hey baby!” Alex’s voice is amplified in the quiet of the grocery store. “Whatcha doing?”

“Oh, Jackie and I are shopping for dinner tonight.” He called me last night one more time before I went to bed, and I told him what our plans were for tonight. “How bout you?”

“Well, I was just calling to tell you we’re going out on the lake today, so I don’t know if I’ll have my phone on me.”

I tell him to have a good time and that I love him. When he hangs up and I look up, Jackie is gone. “Isabelle!” I hear her shout from a couple of aisles away, in complete disregard of the fact that there might be other customers around. “ISABELLE!”

“I’m here, I’m here, I’m here!” I run around the corner, catching up with her. “Sorry.”

“I think we have everything,” Jackie says, looking at her list. “No thanks to you, since you’re just standing around talking to your boyfriend.” She fake glares at me. “But I’ll forgive you just this once.”

“Oh please.” I roll my eyes at her. “Are you ready to go?”

We are back at my house forty-five minutes later unloading grocery bags from the back of Jackie’s car. Jennings and Lilly are at the door to greet us, and Madeline is in the living room sprawled across the couch, watching TV. “Hey!” she calls out to us as we are lugging our bags in the back door. “Need any help?”

“Well, that’s the last of it, but thanks, Maddie. Jennings, you need to relax.”

Once we put away all the food, we go up to my room, shutting the door behind us, and flop down on my bed. I want to ask Jackie about Jack again, but all my attempts thus far have been pretty unsuccessful. So I just lie there quietly, waiting to see if she’ll say something about it. And she does not. Instead she just asks me if I want to watch TV, and twenty minutes later she is out like a light, hogging all my pillows and occasionally murmuring in her sleep.

I am watching Easy A and Jackie is snoring when Jack and Dayo show up two hours later, silently letting themselves into my room and settling onto my bed, pushing Jackie out of their way. When she rolls over, Jack and Dayo are sitting there staring at her, and she jerks awake. “How long have you been doing that?” she mumbles, wiping her eyes.

“A while.” Jack smirks at her, and she hits his thigh.

“So,” Dayo nudges me, “Are things weird at all with you and Leven, Is?”

“You guys gossip worse than we do. Seriously,” Jackie mumbles, turning over and pulling my tie blanket over her head.

I smile at her. “Yeah, they’re weird. At least I think they are.”

“You guys like don’t even talk,” Jack says.

“We talked at the wrap party,” I tell him. “That was the last time. And before that, we didn’t talk for a while. I don’t really know what’s going on.”

“Is she mad at you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you guys friends again?”

“I don’t know.”

“She’s been talking to Alex – ow!” Jack stops talking when Jackie hits him, harder than the last time. “What the hell, Emerson? I am not your punching bag.”

But Jackie is just staring at me, and then looking back at Jack. “It’s okay, Jackie,” I say. “I kind of already knew.” But once again, I feel that weird tugging feeling in my stomach, like a little nudge that something’s not right. And I wonder again what they possibly have to talk about. “I saw them talking at the wrap party. And he knew what day she was coming back.”

“Why are they talking?” Dayo asks, cutting to the chase.

I shrug. “I don’t know. Like I said, it doesn’t really bother me.”

And I wish that were the truth. I wish it didn’t bother me. There’s no reason it should bother me. Alex and I were friends when he was dating Leven, so following that logic, he should be able to be friends with her now. But I also remember that Alex and I kind of got together when he was still with Leven, and I cannot get that thought out of my head.

Around four o’clock, people start showing up. Jen brings Amandla; Josh comes with Liam and Willow. Jack and Dayo are already crashed out on the living room couch. Leven comes along a little while later.

"Okay, here’s the plan!” Jackie claps her hands, drawing everyone’s attention. “Isabelle and I are in charge of the garlic bread. Leven, you are on sauce.” Leven nods from where she is sitting on the counter. “Amandla and Willow, drinks. And Jen, you have to do the noodles, because you are the only person we can count on to not screw it up.”

“Hey,” Jack complains. “What about the rest of us?”

“Umm…” Jackie looks around. “Jack and Dayo, you can do the salad. “Liam and Josh, you can… set the table.”

“Set the table?” Josh frowns. “That is the lamest job ever.”

“Fine. Can you handle defrosting the pie?”

“Yes, we can,” Liam announces. Jen laughs, hip-bumping him as she passes by on the way to the stove.

“Good luck, boys,” Leven says, hopping off the counter. You know if you mess anything up, Jackie will rip your heads off and serve that instead of the spaghetti.”

“She had better not!” Jen is filling a huge pot with water at the sink. “I’m going to make the best damn spaghetti in the world and you all are going to enjoy it.”

“Yes ma’am!” Jack grabs the lettuce, starting to rip pieces off.

Jackie turns on the radio, and everyone starts doing what they are supposed to be doing. Jen is poking at the water with a wooden spoon, waiting impatiently for it to start boiling. Jackie pulls a cookie sheet out of the cupboard, unwrapping the garlic bread and placing slices on it. Leven empties the sauce into a small saucepan, slapping the cover on and hoisting herself back up onto the counter. Amandla and Willow help Liam set the table and take everyone’s drink orders, filling up the cups. Josh is unwrapping the frozen Hershey’s Sundae pie, occasionally pulling off a chocolate chip and eating it when he thinks no one is looking. Jack is washing lettuce and Dayo is chopping up tomato.

“How much of this do you want me to make?” Jen asks, ripping open one of the boxes.

“All of it!” Dayo and Jack answer her in unison, but she looks to Jackie for an answer. Jackie just nods at her.

“Okay, I’m going to need some more pots,” Jen says, and Liam starts pulling more out of the cupboard for her.

The rest of our food preparation goes pretty smoothly. Jack and Dayo get into a mini-fight over who gets to toss the salad, and Jen tries to boil four pots of spaghetti at once and has to start screaming for help, but there are no other issues. We all sit down around my parent’s big dining room table (set by Amandla, Willow, and Liam), candles burning in the middle and the food spread out across its length. Jackie is at the head of the table, and I sit down to her right, next to Dayo.

Jackie picks up her wine glass, filled with sparkling cider, and raises it up. We all follow her lead. “Okay,” she announces. “Here’s to all of us. It’s so nice being back together, just like old times. I love you all.”

“Awww,” Jack says. “We love you too.”

We all clink our glasses together, the candlelight winking off the crystal. “Dig in!” Jen says from the other end of the table, taking one of the platters of spaghetti and ladling it onto her plate. She hands one to Liam, on her left side, and the other to Josh, on her right, so that both platters start making their way down the table towards us. We are all quiet as we eat, except for an occasional “this is really good spaghetti, Jen” or “good job on the garlic bread.”

Eventually, we are all done eating. Amandla and Willow look like they might just fall asleep at the table. “Okay, where’s dessert?” Leven asks, pushing her plate towards the center of the table and daintily dabbing at her mouth with her napkin.

Jackie looks at Josh. “Where is it, Lover Boy?”

Josh looks at Liam, his eyes wide. “Uh oh.”

“You did not.” Jackie gets up from the table, running into the kitchen, over to the freezer and looking inside. And sure enough, the pie is sitting in the freezer, still completely frozen. She comes back into the room, glaring at Josh and Liam across the room. “You had one job.” 

“Uh oh,” Josh repeats, slowly pushing his chair back from the table. Liam follows his lead.

“You better run,” Leven says, trying to keep the smile off her face. And that’s all it takes. Josh and Liam are off like a shot, out the back door and down the porch stairs to the backyard.

“Get back here this second!” Jackie takes off after them, a flash of red hair and fake anger.

“Hey!” Jen jumps up, taking off after Jackie. “Wait for me! I’ll be your back-up.”

“Then you’re going to have to move it, Lawrence!” Jackie yells back over her shoulder, already halfway across the grassy expanse of the back lawn. Josh and Liam have disappeared into the dark, somewhere around the side of the house.

I sit at the table with Jack, Dayo, Leven, Amandla, and Willow. We look at each other in silence for a couple of seconds, and then Leven says, “Let’s get ‘em.” I am so surprised that she is the one saying that; normally it’s me or Jackie or Amandla or Willow running around with the boys. Leven usually prefers to sit off on the sidelines, watching. I look over at her, and she’s grinning.

“Let’s go out the front door!” Amandla squeaks, pushing back from the table and running towards the front of the house, Willow close behind her. I stand up, pushing my chair in, and Leven hooks her arm with mine.

We catch up to everyone at the front of the house, Jack and Dayo on our heels. Jackie has Josh pinned down on the ground, and she is sitting on his chest. Liam is trying to pull her off, and Jen is sitting on the ground, her arms hooked around one of Liam’s legs. “Oh my God.” Leven giggles. “What is going on here?” As we watch, Jen manages to get enough leverage to pull Liam off balance, and he falls backwards, almost on top of her. Amandla and Willow immediately pounce on top of him.

“Can I have some help here?” Josh screams from beneath Jackie, and Jack and Dayo run to his aid. Jack grabs Jackie around the waist, lifting her completely off Josh, straight into the air.

“Hey!” Jackie screeches, twisting around in Jack’s arms, trying to get free. “Isabelle, don’t just stand there! Do something!”

“Umm…” I take a look at the scene spread out before me. “I think Lev and I are good over here, actually.”

“What happened to my back-up?” She kicks Jack in the kneecap and he almost drops her, tightening his hold at the last second.

“Jen is your back-up. I’m the moral support.”

“Oh, come on!”

I see Josh starting to crawl away out of the fake fight, and I run over to him, dragging Leven along with me. Dayo grabs Leven, pulling her back, and she begins screaming almost louder than Jackie. I look around, realizing that Jack is struggling to hold Jackie, Dayo is occupied with Leven, and Liam is being pinned down by Jen, Amandla, and Willow. So I scramble over to Josh, knocking him over with a well-placed knee to the stomach, and sit down on his back.

“Ha!” Jackie screeches. “We win, and you lose!”

Leven starts giggling, trying to crawl out from underneath Dayo, who has her pinned to the ground. “Do you realize how stupid we all look right now?”

“Hey, we don’t look stupid,” Jen points out. “We won. The guys look stupid.”

“It’s not our fault that there are more of you than there are of us,” Josh says from underneath me.

“Well—” I start, and then I find myself being pulled backward into the air. I can’t help myself – I start screaming. If Dayo has Leven, and Jack has Jackie, and Amandla and Jen and Willow have Liam, and I had Josh, then who the hell is—

“Hey baby!” I hear Alex’s voice in my ear and I twist around.

“Oh my God!” I shriek. He puts me down and I bury my face in his chest. “Oh my God! What are you doing here?”

He hugs me tight to him, and when I look up at him, he’s grinning. “Surprise! I was lying the whole time.” He laughs. “I was planning on coming back early, and I wanted to surprise you.”

I squeeze my arms tighter and he leans down and kisses me. I breathe in deep, realizing how much I missed the way he smelled.

“Awww!” I pull back to see all of our friends grinning at us. Jackie kicks Jack in the knee again and he finally drops her. She runs over to us, hugging Alex around the waist. Amandla and Willow join in, and then Jen and Leven, and then, reluctantly, the boys, until we are all standing in my front yard, hugging my boyfriend.

After a little while, everyone else steps back, going back into the house to watch TV and give me a little privacy with Alex. He guides me over to the front steps and sits down, pulling me down with him. “Oh my God,” I say again, putting my arm around his waist and leaning into him. “I cannot believe you’re here, oh my God.”

The smile on his face is huge. “I really wanted to surprise you.”

“Well, you did.” I nuzzle his shirt, breathing in his smell.

Alex wraps his arm around my shoulder, holding me tight to his side. I sit there next to him for a while, listening to his heartbeat and the sound of his breathing, trying to take in the fact that he is actually here at my house.

“I love you Belle,” he says softly, stroking my hair.

I look up at him and smile, kissing his cheek. “I love you too.”

He pulls me up and we walk into the house together. Everyone is finally back, and everything is how it should be.


	21. Starlight

_He said, Look at you worrying so much about things you can’t change_

_You’ll spend your whole life singing the blues if you keep thinking that way_

_He was trying to skip rocks on the ocean, saying to me_

_Don’t you see the starlight, starlight?_

_Don’t you dream impossible things?_

It is Christmas Eve. Normally on Christmas Eve, my family gathers around the fireplace, the Christmas tree twinkling beside us. My mom makes hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, and we listen to Christmas carols and talk and spend the night together as a family. When we were little, my parents used to let us open one present each to hold us over until Christmas morning. But this year, I am spending my Christmas Eve with Alex.

The past few months have been crazy. After Alex ended up coming back early and surprising me, we all had a good couple of days together before Jack went back to New York. Jackie was actually pretty upset for a few days, and she stayed in my bed, eating chocolate and watching TV and being sad. But eventually she got up and pulled herself together. She is on Skype with Jack almost every night, and he came back over Thanksgiving, surprising her. There seems to be a lot of that going around.

The night Alex came back, Leven ended up cornering me. It was after his reappearance and before everyone had gone home. Everyone was in the den watching a movie, and I got up to go to the bathroom. When I came out, she was standing there, waiting.

“Hey, Isabelle,” she had said, swallowing nervously. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

We had gone into the kitchen, far away from the den so no one could hear us. She had proceeded to tell me that she could tell things were weird and she didn’t want them to be. We were both in LA together, and we still had a press tour and a premiere, and she was sorry she had been so distant. I didn’t know what to say, because honestly I felt like I had kind of been the one to mess up her relationship, so I just told her I was sorry too and I would love it if things went back to normal.

Alex had slept on my floor that night, Jackie in my bed. I fell asleep happy, knowing that everyone I loved was finally there. The next morning we got up kind of early (thanks to Jackie, who was in a shockingly good mood) and went to The Waffle for breakfast. Jackie took off to hang out with Jack and Dayo, and Alex and I got to spend the entire day together, walking around The Grove, dodging paparazzi, and going to the ArcLight to see a movie.

Over the next couple of months, everything slowly started to change. Alex went back to school, and was immediately swamped with homework and studying and reading, as well as work. I went to meetings and auditions and photo shoots, working as much as I could. Jackie did a couple of speaking engagements and spent a lot of time in the recording studio. Jen, Josh, and Liam were never around; they had movies coming out of the woodwork and Jen was winning awards all over the place. Leven kept her distance, presumably working. Jack was in New York, and Dayo was doing who knows what. Amandla and Willow were all over LA. We spent a little time together, but we were mostly all spread out, doing our own thing, and waiting impatiently until work required us all to be back together again.

Alex’s workload eased up just a little over Thanksgiving, enough for him to spend a couple of days at my house before handing home to Vancouver. Jackie and I drove him to the airport to see him off, and we were there to pick him up when he flew back in. He spent one more full day with me before heading back to his apartment and holing up to study for the last three weeks of school.

It was definitely a big change. Our relationship hadn’t changed all that much, but it was miles away from the way things had been in Asheville. Instead of being together all day every day, I saw him on the weekends for a couple of hours. Sometimes he came to pick me up on a weekday afternoon, and we would go back to his apartment and I would watch TV and end up falling asleep in his bed while he studied or played Xbox with Mark. But our time together was limited at best, and I could not wait for him to finish up the semester.

I spent most of those months with Jackie. We were together almost every day, making up for the absence of our boys. I was never so thankful for Jackie as I was in those few months, when I was missing Alex so much it hurt and I fell asleep with my phone next to my face in case he called or texted.

During finals week, I didn’t see him once. On the Friday before, he came over to my house, gave me a vase of flowers, spent about ten minutes with me, and told me he was going into hibernation all weekend and through Wednesday, until after he had finished his last final. No phone, no Twitter, no Skype or computer or anything.

Jack came back the second week of December, done with his fall semester of school. Alex finished the week after, just in time for the holidays to start. As soon as we were all back in Los Angeles, it was like nothing had changed. Everyone spent the majority of their time in my basement or going out to eat or to the beach. It was nice to have everyone around again.

A couple of days before Christmas, Alex had showed up at my house at eight in the morning, like he had started to make a habit of doing, and when I finally answered the door, he told me that he had to run to a meeting, but he wanted to know if I could spend Christmas Eve with him. I was inclined to say no, because our family loved Christmas Eve, but my mom popped up from the kitchen, scaring the hell out of me and telling me that Madeline probably wouldn’t be there either and I shouldn’t feel bad for going. So I said yes.

Alex picks me up after it is already dark. He told me to dress kind of warm – warm for December in LA, that is, so I’m wearing yoga pants and one of Alex’s big, red USC sweatshirts. When he rings the doorbell and walks me out to the driveway, I find myself looking at a huge, black pick-up truck.

“Alex. What the hell is that?”

“That is just part of the surprise, baby doll.”

He opens the door for me and boosts me up, since I’m definitely too short to get in by myself. And then Alex starts driving. He drives right out of Central LA, past Century City and West LA, all the way to Santa Monica.

“Babe, what are we doing here?”

“Just wait and see.”

And then I see Santa Monica Pier and the beach and the ocean stretching out wide in front of us. But instead of pulling up to the parking lot, Alex takes a right, driving instead into Santa Monica State Park. And he doesn’t stop driving – he keeps going right onto the sand. We are getting closer and closer to the water, and he pulls a three-point turn so that the truck bed is facing the water. He jumps out, coming over to my door, pulling it open, and lifting me out onto the beach.

“Are we allowed to do this? Is someone going to like yell at us if they see this?”

“Come on, Belle. Live a little.”

I’ve been to the beach plenty of times – if you live in California, it can basically be an everyday activity. But I’ve never really been at night and I’ve never driven a truck right up to the water. I immediately take my shoes off, leaving them under my seat, and roll my jeans up to just below my knees, feeling the sand warm beneath my feet.

Alex scoops me up fireman style, and kisses me, walking to the water. He walks right into the waves, the surf gently hitting his calves. “Merry almost Christmas, Belle,” he says, smiling at me, his face lit up the moon. He starts laughing. “Get it? Like Christmas bells.”

“You are such a dork.” I nuzzle my face into his neck, closing my eyes and taking in the moment. “This is perfect, Alex.”

We stand there for a little while, the waves around us, the stars above us, Alex’s arms tight around me. Then he carries me back to the dry sand, setting me down and dropping the tailgate of the trunk, revealing the truck bed piled high with blankets and pillows. “Hop up, Belle,” he tells me. I scramble up into the truck bed.

“Oh my God,” I say, laying down. “This is the best thing ever.”

Alex laughs, climbing up and stretching out next to me. “I’m glad you think so. It took me a while to come up with this. I borrowed Mark’s truck and everything, and let me tell you, it was a fucking job to convince him to let me take it.”

I snuggle up to his side, resting my head on his arm. “Well, I’m glad you persevered.”

The sky is inky black, stretching out like velvet above us, the stars pricking through it. I slide my arm across Alex’s stomach, turning my face into his shoulder and closing my eyes. I’ve been waiting for months to be able to spend time with him like this – just the two of us, no pressure, no stress from homework and working and our friends. I’m not worrying about whether Jackie is okay or whether I got a callback or whether Alex is stressing out too much. It’s just us in a truck bed at the beach on Christmas Eve.

“I love you,” I mumble into his shoulder, feeling the softness of his shirt against my cheek.

I can tell by his movement that he looks down at me. “I love you too, Belle.” His voice is almost a whisper, barely discernable against the sound of the waves.

He falls asleep first. I can hear his heartbeat and see his chest moving as he breathes, and eventually his breathing gets slower and the arm he has around me relaxes and I know he is sleeping. I lie there, looking up at the stars and the moon and listening to the waves hit the beach, warm in our pile of blankets, and I can feel my eyes start to drift shut.

I don’t know how long we’re asleep – a couple of minutes, or an hour or two. There’s something about the ocean air that is so much cleaner and fresher than regular air, and it tires you out just a little bit. When I stretch and hit my wrist on the side of the truck, I jerk awake, and Alex is lying there, his head propped up on his elbow, staring at me with a little smile on his face. “Hi,” he says.

“Hi.” I roll over, resting my chin on his chest. He slides his arms around my waist, pulling me almost on top of him. “How long were we asleep?”

“Like an hour.” He looks around. “And see… no one came to yell at us.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Come on. You couldn’t break a rule if you tried.”

“Hey.” I lift my head off his chest, looking him in the eye. “I could break a rule if I wanted to.”

Alex laughs. “You shower before you get in the pool. That’s the stupidest rule ever, and you are the only one who follows it.”

“They tell you to do that!”

“Yeah, at a public pool, Isabelle. Not at the pool in your parents’ backyard.”

I flick him in the neck. He flicks me back, and in a few seconds, he is full-out trying to wrestle with me. He rolls me over onto my back, pinning me down and supporting himself up with his elbows. “I win,” he says softly.

“You always win.” I frown at him.

Alex kisses me, lowering himself down like he’s doing a push-up. Then he pushes himself off me, sitting up and reaching through the back window of the truck into the backseat. “Okay, present time.”

“Oh, shit. Yours is at home.” I think of the wrapped box sitting on my desk at home. Jackie and I spent way too long shopping for presents for Alex and Jack, and I ended up with a new sweater and one of those unbreakable cases for his phone.

“That’s okay, babe. We can get it later.” He hands me a box, a little one. I untie the ribbon and pull off the lid, revealing something small and shiny.

“Oh my God.” I lift the chain out of the box, holding it up and letting the moonlight hit the dangling heart. “Alex, is this real?” I look closer at the little diamonds twinkling on the curved edges of the heart.

He tells me it is and I hold it gingerly, almost afraid to wear it. “No, it’s too much. I can’t—”

He cuts me off. “Yes, you can, and you will, Belle.” Alex gestures for me to turn around, and I do, holding up my hair so he can fasten the necklace around my neck. “There,” he says once he’s done. “Perfect.”

I spin back around, hugging him. We spend the rest of the night lying there in the bed of the truck, looking up at the stars and talking. I tell him how much I missed him while he was in school and how glad I am that he’s done. He’s silent for a little bit, and I am starting to think that I pissed him off when he says, “You know, I feel shitty for being so distant. We were in the same town, and I didn’t make as much effort to see you as—”

“No, Alex, come on.” I look up at him. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

He rests his chin on top of my head. “I should have tried harder.”

I assure him that everything was fine, that school comes first and it doesn’t matter because we’re together now. But I can tell it bothers him more than he is letting on.

Regardless, I can easily say that it is the best Christmas Eve I’ve ever had, and when he drops me off at my house around three in the morning, he walks me up to the door, kissing me goodnight. He lingers for a couple of seconds after he pulls away. “Merry Christmas, Belle,” he murmurs.

I fall asleep that night with my hand curled tight around the heart dangling from my neck, and thinking how lucky I am to have someone who loves me back.


	22. 22

_It seems like one of those nights_

_This place is too crowded, too many cool kids_

_It seems like one of those nights_

_We ditch the whole scene_

_And end up dreaming instead of sleeping_

_We’re happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way_

_It’s miserable and magical, oh yeah_

_Tonight’s the night when we forget about the heartbreaks_

_It’s time_

“Two steps up. Be careful. One more step.” Alex is guiding me up a set of stairs, one hand over my eyes, the other gripping my arm. “Shit, Belle. Be careful,” he says as my foot catches the edge of the stone and he steadies me.

“Where are we?” I move forward carefully, feeling out in front of me because I’m not entirely sure I trust Alex to not run me into a wall or something.

It is the twenty-fifth of February, and I turned fifteen today. My parents burst into my room at the crack of dawn, like they do on every birthday, dragging Madeline behind them and singing happy birthday. They presented me with a banana nut birthday muffin, one candle sticking out the top of it, and I blew out the tiny flame, making a wish. I opened my presents in bed with Madeline, the television on and Jennings sleeping at our feet. Alex picked me up two hours ago, taking me out to dinner and giving me earrings to match my Christmas necklace.

After our talk on Christmas Eve, everything changed – in such a good way. All of a sudden, Alex was around all the time. He was attentive, he texted me constantly, and he spent time with me, my family, and our friends. After a while, I barely even remembered how he had practically disappeared during his last semester of school. One weekend we drove up to San Francisco and went to the pier, eating hot dogs and going to Alcatraz and walking around all the shops. We went to Disneyland and Six Flags and the beach. We drove all around California together, my feet up on his dashboard, the radio blasting, and the top down.

Everything is perfect.

Surprisingly, the only uncertain spot in the last couple of months has been Jackie. We still hang out, but not as much as we used to. And she is constantly questioning me about Alex: whether everything is good, whether I’m happy, whether he’s being okay. I know she means well, and I know she cares, but it’s driving me crazy. My mom and Madeline are the same way. I feel almost like everyone expects something bad to happen.

The only person who hasn’t been bothering me about it has been (again, surprisingly) Leven. While Jackie spends most of her time with Amandla, I am with Leven. The irony of it is not lost on me. After Christmas, she kind of reappeared. We all started hanging out as a group more, and somehow that evolved into Leven coming over, hanging out in my room, watching TV and talking. Eventually, I am spending just as much time with Leven as I am with Jackie. Even Madeline notices.

“I thought she, like, hated you,” Maddie said to me over lunch one day at the beginning of February. She was breaking off pieces of her chicken and holding them underneath the table for Jennings.

I picked at the bread roll in front of me, pulling off a piece and throwing it at her. “She didn’t hate me. And we made up. I don’t get why everyone thinks that’s so weird.”

“It’s not weird, exactly.” Madeline picked up Jennings, setting him on her lap. “But… you kind of took her boyfriend right out from under her.”

“Yeah, I understand that.” I was starting to get a little annoyed. “But I didn’t tell him to leave her. I didn’t even ask him to leave her. That was his choice.”

“Relax, booster seat.” I rolled my eyes. Madeline picked that up from Jack months ago, back in August, and she still hasn’t let it go. “I wasn’t trying to suggest that you did anything wrong. I think it’s a good thing actually. I mean, you have the press tour coming up and the premiere and everything. You guys have to at least be civil with each other. So it’s a good thing that you’re friends.” She grabbed Jennings as he tries to jump up on the table, lifting him backwards.

I pushed my plate towards the center of the table, sliding my chair back and standing up as the doorbell rang. “Things are good. I’m happy.”

“You know that’s what I want, my dear Isabelle!” Madeline called after me as I went to let Leven and Jackie in.

“I know!” I yelled back as we headed up the stairs to my room.

Alex thought he was weird too. He brought it up the same day Madeline did, about eight hours later when we were at dinner.

“So… you and Leven are… close?” He pushed his food around his plate with his fork, not making eye contact with me. The tops of his ears were red, and he was shifting uncomfortably in his seat. It was kind of cute.

“I wouldn’t say close, exactly.” I waited for him to look up at me. “She just hangs out with me and Jackie now.” Alex cleared his throat twice, but didn’t say anything. “That’s okay with you, right? I mean, I know she’s your ex and all, but—”

“No, Belle, it’s fine.” He finally looked up, locking his eyes with mine. “We’re a big family. We all have to get along.”

And he’s right. Sitting in my room with Jackie, Leven, and Amandla sprawled across my bed, Jen and Willow sometimes added in, reminds me of how things used to be at the beginning of the summer. We were all just getting to know each other. Leven and Alex weren’t dating yet. Everyone was happy, and nothing was complicated. And then everything got hectic and crazy and difficult, and we started to break off into our little groups, and people were fighting. We were still a family, but we were a dysfunctional one. And for some reason, it all seemed to revolve around Alex and me. But everything is back to normal now.

Just like I wanted.

Alex pushes me forward a little more, his hand still over my eyes. I feel the warmth of his hand disappear from my back for a moment, and I hear a door open in front of me. He slips his arm around my waist, steadying me, and then he pulls his hand back from my eyes. It takes a second for my vision to adjust to the scene in front of me, and then—

“SURPRISE!” There are tons of people crammed in my house, and they are all standing there, grinning at me.

“Oh my God!” Jackie materializes from the crowd, placing a plastic silver crown on my head. I turn and look at Alex. “Oh my God,” I say again. “Did you do this?”

“Sort of.” He grins bashfully. “I had a lot of help from Jackie.”

She slings her arm over my shoulder, pulling me to her. “Happy birthday, Isabelle!” She releases me, pulling back and smiling at Alex. “We love you.”

Jackie pulls me away from Alex, forward into the host of people. I am bombarded from all sides with people wishing me happy birthday and telling me it’s good to see me. Everyone from the cast is there: all the tributes, even Jen and Josh. I am beyond impressed with Alex and Jackie for doing all of this without letting the secret slip, and I have a feeling Madeline was probably a pretty big help too.

Sure enough, she grabs me and pulls me into the kitchen. “Were you surprised?” She adjusts my crown.

“Completely.” I hug her, squeezing tight. “It’s perfect. Thank you, Maddie.”

“Hey, anytime.”

A half hour later, I am sitting on the floor of my living room with most of the girls, Jackie on one side and Leven on the other. The guys all ran outside to play football or something, and it feels like we’re back on set, wasting time while they film scenes none of us were in. Jen has the cake on the table in front of her, and she is spinning the plate around, a pile of candles in front of her.

“So how does it feel to be fifteen?” Jackie nudges me. Her heart bracelet is dangling from her arm, and it clinks against mine. She had given me my present soon after I walked in the door: a J charm and an I charm to add to my bracelet. She put them on for me herself just a few minutes ago, and I can’t stop admiring them, lifting my arm up to watch the rhinestone-encrusted letters slowly twist around.

“It feels absolutely no different,” I say. “Although I do have all these wonderful friends who threw me a surprise party.”

“We are pretty wonderful,” Leven jokes, swinging her hair over her shoulder and adjusting her off-the-shoulder shirt.

“Thank you guys,” I say, looking around at everyone. Jen is finally slicing into the cake, making careful cuts. “Seriously. It means a lot to me that you all made time to be here for this.”

“It was all Alex and Jackie,” Amandla pipes up from her seat next to Tara. “He was talking about it like a month ago.”

“Awww, really?” I look at Jackie, and she nods.

“There!” Jen pronounces, pushing the cake to the middle of the table. There are fifteen candles on it, all burning brightly. Dakota reaches behind her and turns the lights off, and the candlelight flickers off the faces of everyone in the circle.

“Make a wish, Is.” Jackie pushes me towards the cake, and I lean forward, thinking for a second. What do I want to wish for? I look around, seeing my friends circled around me. I can hear the guys outside, and I see a couple of them run past the window. The candlelight catches my bracelet, and I feel my heart necklace dangling around my neck, and I am beyond grateful that I have a best friend and a boyfriend who care enough to plan me a surprise party. So I just shut my eyes tight and blow out my candles without making a wish. Everything is exactly the way I want it.

I wouldn’t change a thing.

“Okay!” Jen announces, the smoke from the candles ribboning up towards the ceiling. Dakota flips the lights back on. “Can someone please hand me some plates?” Leven reaches behind her and grabs a stack of paper plates, passing them around the circle to Jen. She sets them on the table, putting a piece of cake on each one and handing them around the circle. “Better eat fast,” she says, taking her own piece and digging into it. “The boys will be in here any second now. I’m pretty sure they can sense when we are trying to hide food from them.”

A couple of minutes later, I hear someone scream, “Hey!” We all whip around, seeing Jack and Dayo standing outside, plastered up against the window. “Are you eating cake without us?” The glass muffles their words, but we can hear them loud and clear.

“No!” Jen screams back. “Get your own food, Merquaid.”

“Whoa.” Alex appears behind Jack, and he knocks on the window. “You had better not be doing what I think you are doing.”

“We aren’t!” Jackie calls. “Don’t worry. Go back to your football!”

“You are so dead, Emerson!” Jack disappears from the window, followed closely by Dayo and Alex and the rest of the guys.

Jen jumps up, grabbing the cake plate. “Run, ladies! Save yourselves!” And all of a sudden, everyone is scrambling around, trying to find a hiding place before the guys burst into the house.

Jackie, Amandla, Willow, Leven, and I head immediately for the back porch, figuring that all the guys will come in the front. As they all come bursting through the front door, Jen gets trapped by the piano, and she spins around, only to find herself in the middle of a circle. “Hey!” she screams back to us. “Where the hell is my backup?”

“You said save yourselves!” Leven yells back, and we all crack up. Eventually, Jack grabs the cake from Jen and Liam swings her over his shoulder, spinning her around.

“Okay, okay, truce!” She pounds on his back with her fist. “I’m gonna throw up on you if you don’t let me down.”

The guys finish the rest of the cake in no time, joining us out on the back porch. Everyone is sprawled out in deck chairs and on the wooden planks, looking up at the stars. “Good birthday so far, Bells?” Dayo asks me.

“Perfect.” I flick my napkin at him.

Alex sets his plate down, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. “Okay, now what?” He stands up, coming over and sitting down in front of my chair, settling against my knees. I lean forward, putting my arms around his neck and resting my chin against his head.

“Okay, cute, stay like that for one more second,” Jackie says, pulling out her phone and taking a picture.

“Oh, oh, oh!” Jen hops up, folding up her paper plate and dropping it in the garbage can. “Can we play like Assassin or Sardines or Ghosts in the Graveyard something?”

“Sardines,” Tara says. “We can definitely beat the boys at that.”

“What the fuck is Sardines?” Jack asks.

Jackie rolls her eyes at him. “It’s like backwards hide and seek. One person hides, and everyone else has to find them. And then when you find them, you have to hide with them.”

“Let’s do it.” Leven stands up, dusting herself off. “Isabelle gets to hide first, since she’s the birthday girl.”

Five minutes later, everyone is sitting on the porch, their eyes closed, counting loudly to one hundred. I feel like I kind of have an advantage, since it’s my house, but I don’t want to hide somewhere obvious. I run completely through the house and out onto the front porch, looking around. And then I have an idea.

I go back into the kitchen, searching through Jackie’s purse until I find the keys to her car. I run out front, to the roundabout at the end of our long driveway where everyone is parked. I can hear everyone shouting “seventy-five… seventy-six… seventy-seven…” as I unlock her car and climb into the back, huddling down on the floor. I am immensely grateful that she drives an SUV and not a little hatchback.

“ONE HUNDRED! READY OR NOT!” Their voices are faint but distinguishable, filtering through the night air and sneaking in through the slightly cracked car windows. I know that they are all running around, and I wonder how long it is going to take the first of them to find me.

Ten minutes later, I am still sitting there alone, and I can hear them getting frustrated. “What the fuck is going on?” Alex’s voice floats through the air, and I can tell he is close.

“Your girlfriend is a ninja or something, dude,” Jack answers. They sound like they’re right outside Jackie’s car, and I have to try really hard to stifle my laugh.

Then I hear Jackie scream, “Hey! There’s something moving over there!” I hear a pause, and a scuffle. “Is that her, over by those trees?” I hear footsteps moving away from the car, and then the trunk opens, revealing me sitting there, knees pulled up to my chest.

“Genius!” Jackie jumps in, Amandla right behind her. They quietly close the trunk door, sliding in to sit next to me. “I had a hunch you were here. I checked my bag for my keys and they weren’t there, but then the fricking wolf pack followed us her and we had to get rid of them.”

At this point, I am getting tons of texts, asking where the hell I am hiding. Jen finds us next, then Willow, Tara, and Annie. Liam is the first guy, folding himself into the backseat and taking up almost of the room that is left. Soon, people are cramming into the car, and the more people there are, the louder we’re getting, until finally, the only people still on the outside are Alex and Jack.

“Wow, they really suck at this game,” Jackie squeals. We are practically at the bottom of a dog pile. And then the two of them pop up, banging on the side of the car, and almost everyone screams.

“There is no way we are going to be able to fit in there!” Alex pulls open the trunk door and we all tumble out. Jackie and I are the last ones out of the car, and Alex grabs me, lifting me out of the back.

“You’re a little genius, Belle.”

“No, you are just really bad at this game,” I tell him, tilting my head up so I can kiss him.

“Okay!” Jackie claps her hand. “Amandla gets to go next, because she was the first one to find Isabelle. We’re all gonna stay here by the car while she hides.”

Amandla runs off, and I see her as Rue again, tiny and an expert at hiding, and I realize how genius the casting really was for The Hunger Games. We all close our eyes and yell out the numbers as we count. As we do, I feel Alex’s arms slide around my waist from behind, holding me to him, and I smile as I count, leaning my head back against his chest.

“Are you gonna team up with me this time, Belle?” he whispers in my ear as everyone else is hitting eighty-five.

“No way,” I whisper back. “Girls rule, boys drool.”

“What are you, twelve?” He laughs.

“Ninety!” Jackie screams from next to me. “She’s with me, Ludwig,” she says, skipping the next few numbers. “But don’t worry. I’m sure you and Jack will do a little better this time. Maybe you’ll be next to last, instead of last.” I can feel Alex draw in a breath to say something, but then Jackie yells out, “One hundred!”

“READY OR NOT, HERE WE COME!” everyone yells. Jackie grabs my arm, pulling me along with her as we all sprint towards the house. Almost everybody runs towards the backyard; I can see Alex, Jack, and Dayo go straight for the pool house. Jackie and I go in the front door just in time to see Liam and Jen disappear downstairs.

It only takes a couple of minutes to find Amandla, hiding in the back of my closet, tucked underneath the hanging clothes. Jackie pushes aside the dresses and slips in next to her, leaving me a tiny space to sit in between them. I pull the door shut behind me, a little crack showing the rest of my room, lit up only by the green light of my computer charger.

“I know it’s not a very good hiding spot,” Amandla whispers, her tiny voice barely audible. “But I thought it would be funny if everyone tried to fit in here.”

Dayo comes along about twenty seconds later, trying to fold his long legs enough to sit down with us. Jen, Liam, and Josh arrive together, barely getting the closet door closed again before Jack appears. We are already all smashed together, even though hardly half of us are gathered on the closet floor. Jen is sitting on top of Josh, who is pretty much hidden behind her, and Liam is plastered up against the wall.

“Oh my God,” Jack says, spinning around and trying to find a space. “Jackie, get up.” She stands up and he sits down in her spot, patting his lap. Even in the dark of the closet, I can tell her cheeks are going red, and she sits down in his lap, shifting around. Willow cracks open the closet door, peeking inside and seeing all of us. She crawls inside, over to Liam, and Dayo reaches forward, sliding the door shut.

“Oh, fuck!” Josh’s voice is loud. “Oh my God, my leg is cramping.”

Jen leans forward, peeking through the crack in the closet door. “Suck it up, Hutcherson,” she whispers. “I think I can hear someone coming.”

A second later, I hear Alex’s voice. “Do you think they’re in here?”

I am slightly surprised by who answers him, and I can feel my heart start to beat a little faster. “Nah, there’s nowhere to hide.” Leven sounds nonchalant, and I can hear the door to my room shut. What the fuck is going on? I see Jackie out of the corner of my eye, leaning forward. “So I was thinking we could talk for a second.”

I elbow Jackie out of the way, trying to see out into my room. Everything looks normal. I see my bed and my desk and the television perched on top of the dresser, makeup and jewelry spread out around it. And I see Alex standing in the middle of the room, facing Leven. “Okay,” he says hesitantly. “What’s up?” Jackie pushes me back gently, and I know subconsciously that she is trying to protect me. So I sit back, listening.

“We just haven’t had a chance to talk in a while,” Leven says softly. Everyone piled in the closet seems to be collectively holding their breath. It is dead silent, and I can hear every word she is saying clearly. “We haven’t really talked since we broke up.”

“Well, yeah.” Alex clears his throat, and he sounds nervous, almost like he knows I can hear him. “I mean, I’ve been with Isabelle.”

“How’s that going?” she asks. I narrow my eyes, and I can tell that everyone in the closet is looking in my direction.

I hear Jackie murmur “what the hell” under her breath.

“It’s good,” Alex says. “It’s really good.”

I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. This is a completely innocuous conversation. I have no reason to doubt my relationship with Alex. He’s right – everything is really good. And that’s when I hear Leven say, “Do you miss me?”

It is silent for a moment – a very long moment. A million thoughts run through my mind as I wait for Alex to answer. And then finally, “I miss you as a friend, Lev. You were always a good friend. We just didn’t work as a couple.”

“Why not?” Her voice is softer now, low. Like she’s trying to keep the conversation secret.

“We just weren’t right for each other. And I love Isabelle.”

“Yeah, I know.” Leven clears her throat, and I can see her twist her hair over her shoulder, stepping closer to Alex. I want to say something. I feel like I should stand up and open the closet door, let them know that I’m here. It feels wrong, sitting here listening to this conversation. I should do something. But I’m frozen. I feel like I can’t stand up. “But don’t you ever think about… trying again?”

Oh my God, I think. This cannot be happening.

Alex doesn’t say a word. I’m sitting there waiting for him to say something. I’m waiting for him to say no, of course not. I’m with Isabelle. I’m happy. But he doesn’t say anything. And I feel like I am waiting for hours for him to speak up. It must only be a couple of seconds, but it feels like forever, like time is standing still as I sit there in the closet on my fifteenth birthday, surrounded by my closest friends, watching the girl I thought was one of those friends try to convince my boyfriend to come back to her.

And then I hear Jackie say, “Holy. Fuck.” I look the crack, and I see it, clear as day: Alex and Leven, their arms around each other. They are making out. In the middle of my bedroom. On my fifteenth birthday. And I just sit there in my closet, like an idiot, watching my boyfriend kiss my best friend.

And my world stops.


	23. Treacherous

_I can’t decide if it’s a choice, getting swept away_

_I hear the sound of my own voice asking you to stay_

_And all we are is skin and bone, trained to get along_

_Forever going with the flow, but you’re friction_

_This slope is treacherous, this path is reckless_

For a moment, I just shut my eyes, certain that if I couldn’t see them it wasn’t real. It wasn’t happening. But a few moments later, I felt Jackie gently touch my shoulder, and I knew all of my cast mates were gathered around me, still in the closet, and I knew I had to do something. So I took a deep breath, opened my eyes, and steeled myself for what was coming.

I open the closet door, straightening up and trying to look like as indifferent as possible.

As soon as they hear the closet door creak open, Alex and Leven jump apart like shrapnel. I block Leven out completely, telling myself I’ll deal with that later. I focus only on Alex, who looks absolutely stricken. “Belle—” he starts, and any thought I had had of trying to be civil and calm completely flies out of my head.

“Don’t fucking call me that.” I try to keep my voice low. I don’t want to yell, especially not in front of Leven. I’m already too embarrassed. I can’t even look at her. I feel Jackie and Jen step up behind me in solidarity. I glance behind me, at Jack and Dayo and Liam and Josh standing there with their arms crossed. Amandla and Willow are peeking out from behind them. I turn back to Alex. “Don’t ever fucking call me that again.”

I’ve never really seen Alex speechless before. We’ve gotten in fights – that night I pushed him into the pool back in Asheville, for example. But we’ve never had a fight over something like this, something concrete and definitive. Something that could end our relationship.

“Isabelle…” Leven says. “Isabelle, we—”

“Go,” Jackie spits out at her from behind me, and she turns, sliding out the door as fast as she can.

I try to breathe, but all I can hear is I told you so running through my hand. I can hear Jackie saying it; I can hear Madeline saying it; I can even hear my mom saying it. I remember the fight Madeline and I got into after she told me that if he cheated on Leven, what was going to stop him from cheating on me? I remember telling her that she was wrong, that he wouldn’t do that to me. That he loved me.

How could I have been so wrong?

I turn and whisper to Jackie, “Can I have a second alone?” She hesitates. “It’s fine, I promise. I’ll come downstairs in a second. I have to do this.”

She pats my shoulder and jerks her head at the others, leaving Alex and me alone. I turn back to him, swallowing hard. I’m nervous, and I don’t want him to notice. I need to just get through this. I need everyone to get out of my house. And I need to be alone.

“What the hell?” I can’t even bring myself to say his name. I’m trying to stay calm. I’m trying so hard. “Do you even have anything to say for yourself?”

He reaches out to touch my arm, and I jerk back like I’ve been burned. As I stand there looking at him, I realize I don’t even know him. I have no idea how this guy is, standing in front of me. “Belle—”

“Don’t.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t… I don’t know what happened.”

“That is the fucking shittiest excuse I have ever heard. You don’t know what happened?” I am raising my voice now. “You just come into my bedroom with my best friend and you decide to make out with her? How does that even happen?”

“I don’t know.” Alex steps closer to me, and I step back, caught in this sadistic little game. “It just happened.”

“It just happened? IT JUST HAPPENED?” My voice is approaching a shriek, and I hate myself for it. I just wanted to be calm. I wanted to have a nice, calm conversation. I thought maybe we could work through it, and with every word he says I realize that that is not at all realistic. This isn’t going to be simple. It is not going to be easy. “Tell me,” I hiss at him, and he steps back, taken aback by my tone.

“Tell you what?”

“Tell me what happened. Did you kiss her? Did she kiss you? Did you trip and your lips accidentally—”

“Isabelle, stop it.” Alex goes quiet, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “Just stop. I’m sorry, okay?”

“NO!” I scream at him. “No, it is not okay! I don’t even know who you are! I have no idea who the hell you are. Because you are for damn sure not the person I met in Asheville. You are not the person I fell in love with.”

I put my hand on the doorknob. “I made a mistake, Isabelle. I’m sorry. I love you, okay? I—”

“You don’t love me.” I narrow my eyes at him, and I can feel the tears gathering, hot and stinging, behind my eyes. “You don’t do this to the person you love.” And I twist the doorknob, throwing the door open and walking out, leaving him standing in my room behind me.

I scramble down the staircase, and as I get to the bottom I see everyone just standing there, gathered around the landing, obviously listening. Leven is standing by herself off to the side. I see her out of the corner of my eye, huddled by the counter, hair swept over her face, looking down, clutching her bag. Jackie’s face is pale, and her voice is strained, a note of panic ribboning through it. “Isabelle, what—”

I keep going straight past her, breaking into a run. I go out the front door and by the time I hit the grass, I am full out sprinting. I just keep going, racing up the long driveway towards the road. I don’t know where I am going; I just know that I want to get away, from Alex, from Leven, from this entire night.

I hear people coming behind me, and Jack catches up to me first, Dayo right behind him. I see Jackie and Jen behind them, Amandla and Willow struggling to catch up. Everyone else floods out the front door, gathering in a knot on the grass, back by the house. I see Leven push through them, and I think she is about to come over to us.

But then Alex bursts out the front door, right through everyone, and he comes straight toward us. I want to keep going, but Jack had pulled me to a stop, and I can’t breathe. Everything is really starting to hit me, and I bend over, putting my hands on my knees. Jack and Dayo form a wall around me as Jen and Jackie catch up. Alex passes Amandla and Willow on the lawn, and when he gets to us, he grabs my arm, pulling me back from Jack and Dayo. “Isabelle, you have to listen to me.”

“Get off!” I push him back. “I am not doing this now. Just get away from me!”

And that’s when everything blows up.

Alex goes to grab my arm again, and I don’t think he even realizes what he is doing, but Jack and Dayo get in between us, and all of a sudden, Alex is on his back on the grass, laid out with one well-placed blow from one of them. I don’t know who it was, and I can’t even move, but Alex can, and he is pissed.

In just a couple of seconds, Alex is back up on his feet and lunging at Jack (who I am now assuming was the one who punched him), tackling him around the middle and slamming him down onto the ground. I am suddenly very worried, because Dayo is not going to just let this go, and it doesn’t matter how big or strong Alex is – if it’s him against Jack and Dayo, he’s going to lose.

“Stop!” I hear myself scream, but the boys are way too far gone to hear me. Alex has Jack pinned down to the ground when Dayo grabs him by the collar, pulling him back. I keep screaming at them, Jackie is beside herself and I can tell she is about to try to get involved, and Liam and Josh run up, getting right into the middle of the fight.

Alex manages to push Dayo off of him, turning around and taking him down. I can literally hear the sound of them hitting each other, fists connecting with flesh. Jack is still on the ground, and he looks like he might actually be in pain. Before I can stop her, Jackie is throwing herself down on the ground next to him. While she is doing that, Liam and Josh manage to pull Alex and Dayo off of each other, holding them apart. Liam has Alex’s arms twisted behind his back, and he is standing there with his head lifted, defiant glare on his face, one eye already swelling shut. Next to him, Dayo is nursing his nose, blood dripping onto the ground.

Jack sits up, cracking his neck and then rubbing it. “I’m fine, I’m fine,” I hear him murmur to Jackie. “Don’t worry.” He stands up, moving forward to fill the spot between Josh and Dayo. Jen, standing next to me, looks horrified, and Amandla and Willow are literally hiding behind her. Everyone else has moved closer, as if they were coming to help and then stopped themselves. Leven is frozen, her eyes wide, face as white as a ghost’s.

I know it’s time for me to say something, but I am speechless. I’ve never witnessed anything that horrifying. I look back at Alex. His chest is heaving, and his eyes are boring right through me. I step towards him, and I swear I can hear everyone around me hold their breath.

"Get out.” I hear the words come out of my mouth, but I don’t recognize my voice. I don’t have any control over what I am saying. Alex doesn’t say anything. He just stares at me. “Get. Out.” I step forward, lowering my voice. “Get the fuck out of my life. And don’t come back.”

Liam lets go, pushing Alex forward, and he stands in the middle of our hostile little circle, staring at me. When he finally speaks, his voice is hoarse, and one side of his face is purpling as I stand there, bearing the marks from Dayo’s fists. “Is that really what you want?”

Dayo steps forward menacingly, but Josh pulls him back.

“Go, Alex. Just go.” All of a sudden, I am just tired. I am exhausted. I don’t want to fight, especially in front of everyone. I just want him to go.

And he does. He backs away and starts toward his car, pulling his keys out of his pocket. “Please, Belle,” he says to me, his voice cracking when he says me name. “Please don’t do this to me.”

“What?” I glare at him. “Do you have any idea what you did to me?”

“I’m sorry!” I’m sure he is talking loud enough for everyone standing back by the house to hear him. “I didn’t fucking mean to. I only want you, Belle! I love you!”

And that’s when I lose it. “You love me?” I start towards him, pushing him backwards. He stumbles, then catches himself. “You don’t do something like that to the person you love, Alexander. You don’t fuckingdestroy the person you love!” He reaches out towards me, and I push him again. “Get off my property. Right now.” He doesn’t move. He just stands there, staring at me, and I can feel the tears starting to come down my cheeks. I don’t want him to see that. “GO!” I scream at him.

Alex looks at me, reaching out for me. I don’t move. He touches my cheek, his hand coming away wet. And then he turns around, gets in his car, and drives off.

I sink down onto my knees on the grass. And with everyone standing there watching me, I just put my head down and I cry. I cry and cry and cry. I cry as Jackie runs over to me, dropping down next to me and putting her arms around my shoulder. I cry as everyone surrounds me, keeping their distance but forming a protective circle. I cry as I see Leven get in her car and leave. I cry as I think that maybe she is going to go find Alex. I cry as Dayo picks me up, carrying me upstairs and putting me in my bed. I cry as Jackie slips under the covers next to me, rubbing my back and whispering that she’s there if I need her. I cry until I can’t cry anymore. I cry until I fall asleep.

* * * * *

The sun comes up the next morning. My parents get up and crack open the door to my room. I’m awake, and I know that they know what happened, so I pretend to be asleep. They go to work. I hear Madeline leave. I look down and see Jack and Dayo passed out on the floor of my bedroom. I get out of bed, glancing back at Jackie who is still sleeping, and I grab my phone from my nightstand. As I go to leave the room, I see all the pictures of Alex and me tacked to the bulletin board next to my door. I quickly pull them all off, dropping the pins onto my desk, and I go out to the backyard.

I sit down on one of the stumps circling the fireplace, like a miniature version of Stonehenge. I slide the pictures underneath my thigh, pull my sweatshirt tight around me, and turn on my phone. It begins buzzing immediately, and vibrates for almost two minutes straight as all of the text message and calls I miss begin to pop up on the screen. Twenty-two missed calls, six voicemails, and forty-eight text messages. I know I should delete them, but I can’t bring myself to even look at his name. So I just turn my phone back off, tossing it onto the grass behind me.

And then I pull out the pictures.

The selfie from the night we broke into the training center. The first night we met. We were sitting there in the dark and Alex pulled out his phone, telling me he wanted to commemorate the night.

The group picture of all of us. I’m on the end, and Alex’s arm is slung around my neck, pulling me close to him.

The picture from one of the days we were filming at the training center. Alex is lying on his back, pretending to be sleeping, while Jackie and Tara and I backbend over him.

The day in the van, when Jackie snapped a picture of us and printed it out for me as soon as we get back to the hotel.

The two of us all dressed up for the wrap party. Alex picked me up, swinging me into his arms bridal style, and I am smiling up at him, my cheeks pink and my hair falling around my face.

Our lake, lit up by the moonlight.

The day Alex got back from Vancouver and surprised me.

Christmas Eve, when Alex had set his camera up on a timer and wrapped his arms around my ribs, pulling me back against him as we sat in his truck. My brand new necklace is bright around my neck, and we are both grinning hugely.

New Year’s Eve, when we had all gathered in my basement, counting down until the ball dropped. Alex kissed me right at midnight, telling me that he couldn’t wait to spend the coming year with me.

And I burn every single one of them, watching the fire eat its way up the glossy photo paper, curling its edges and crumbling our faces into ash. I leave them in the fire pit and walk away.

We’re done.


	24. Fifteen

_Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday_

_But I realized some bigger dreams of mine_

I do not want to be a cliché. I don’t want to just sit in bed, crying over the demise of my relationship. But Madeline is telling me I need to wallow and orders me to go lie in bed all day, watching sad movies, crying, and eating ice cream. “Everyone gets to wallow, Isabelle,” she says to me after Jackie, Dayo, and Jack had left, promising they would be back soon. “You caught your boyfriend cheating on you last night. It is your right to wallow.”

So I do. I get back in bed, turn on the television, and cry. Madeline joins me after a while, letting me cry. “You know why it hurts so bad, Isabelle?” She doesn’t give me a chance to answer. “Because he was your first boyfriend. People always idealize their first boyfriend. Ask any girl… she has a soft spot for her first boyfriend. And you know why that is?” I stay quiet, waiting for her to answer her own rhetorical question. “Because there is nothing else to compare that relationship to.”

I know that Madeline is right, but it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change the fact that I had always felt like my relationship with Alex was more than a normal relationship. Obviously, it wasn’t his first relationship, but I thought that I was different. I thought that he really did love me.

But it’s clear now that everything was a lie.

Maddie says all the right things. She tells me that Alex isn’t worth being upset over. She says that things will get better, even if I can’t see that right now. She tells me that I have friends and family who love me, and I don’t need anything else.

But I don’t feel any better.

Eventually, I just put my pillow over my head and pretend to be asleep. I just want to be alone. After a little while, Madeline gets up and leaves, and I end up falling asleep for real. I sleep for the entire day, my phone still turned off.

When I wake up, I can see the sun going down through my window, and I roll over checking the time. It’s just after six o’clock. Jackie had said she would come back later that night, and Jack and Dayo would try to. Now that I’ve had some time to sleep and think, my head feels a little bit clearer, and I really do want Jackie here. If anyone can talk me out of this, it’s her. And I need to talk through what actually happened last night, from seeing Alex and Leven kissing to the big fight and Alex leaving.

I still don’t feel like it actually happened. I feel like Alex is going to walk through my bedroom door at any moment, like he’s done every day for the past couple of months.

So when I look up and see him filling my doorway, I think I’m dreaming.

But then he takes a step closer. “Hey.” His voice is hoarse and he looks like he hasn’t slept yet. He’s still in the same clothes he was wearing yesterday, and his eyes are completely bloodshot. The entire left side of his face is swollen, and the skin around his left eye is black and purple and blue.

I sit up, swinging my hair back over my shoulder and pulling my sweatshirt tighter around me. I am instantly torn – I don’t really want to see him, but I need to talk to him. I need to know why he did what he did. I need to know what he’s feeling. I need to know if he’s as hurt as I am. So I jerk my head towards the bed, letting him know that he can sit down. He does, tentatively, like he thinks I’m going to yell at him.

I don’t say anything. I just wait for him to start.

Alex clears his throat a couple of times. “I don’t even know what to say. But I’m just so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

I look down at my blanket, running its edge through my fingers and asking him the question that has been nagging at me for hours, since Alex got in his car and drove away. “You didn’t mean to hurt you or you didn’t mean to get caught?”

“I didn’t mean for it to happen at all.” His answer is instantaneous, and I feel a little better, if that is even possible. “I don’t…” He looks down, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t even know how it happened.”

Every time I close my eyes, I see them kissing. Or I see the boys fighting outside my house, everyone watching. I see Alex walking away from me, and I know that nothing will ever be the same. I know this relationship is over. It is beyond repair.

I slide back down under my blanket, pulling it over my head. “Just go,” I say softly, trying not to cry. I cannot handle this. “Please, just leave.”

“You don’t… want to talk about this?”

“I do. But I can’t handle it right now. There is no coming back from this, Alex.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re over.” It’s the first time I’ve really said that out loud, not out of anger, but out of logic. I can’t do this to myself, and I can’t do it to Alex, because I know that if we stay together, I won’t really be able to forget. “It doesn’t matter what you have to say, or what I say, because this isn’t going to work. You…” I stumble over the words. “You cheated.”

Alex is silent for a long time, and I just lie there under my blanket, waiting for him to say something. I can hear Madeline banging around downstairs and Jennings trotting around the hallway outside my room, the tags on his little collar jingling against each other. When he finally speaks, all he says is “I know.”

And then he stands up – I can feel it. And I think he just walked out, but then I feel him bend over me, putting his arms around me over the blankets. And I can hear him crying quietly, just a little. All of a sudden, I feel like I want to take it back and tell him that we can work on things, that everything could be okay. But then he lets go, and when I pull the blankets off my bed, he is gone. He walked out again.

Two minutes later, Jackie appears in my room, breathless. “What the hell?” she says, throwing down her bags – she arrived with four; she looks like a Sherpa – and coming to sit down on the bed. “I just saw Alex drive out of here.” I just stare at her. “What gives, Is?”

“He just came here to say he was sorry.” I tie my hair up. “I told him it doesn’t really matter, and then he left. That was all.”

“Did you hear from Leven?”

I shake my head. “I turned my phone off. So if she has said anything, I haven’t seen it. And I don’t really want to talk to her.” I lean back against the pillows and Jackie lies down next to me. “I don’t want to be one of those girls who gets mad at the other girl and not her boyfriend. But I’m mad at both of them.”

“You have a right to be,” Jackie says, scooping Jennings up off the floor. “They both fucked up.” She leans off the bed and grabs one of her bags. When she opens it, I see that the entire thing is filled with junk food – candy and cookies and those little cupcakes that come in packages of two.

“Jesus, Jackie,” I say, leaning over.

“I didn’t think you would be mobile. So I brought supplies.” Her phone buzzes and she pulls it out. “Jack says he’ll be over in a couple of hours.”

“Okay.”

“So… Leven texted me earlier.”

I sit up, looking over at her. I want to know what Leven is saying, and at the same time, I don’t. But I am still completely at a loss as to why she did what she did. And obviously Alex had something to do with it too, but I heard the whole thing and she definitely started it.

Do you miss me?

Don’t you ever think about… trying again?

“I mean, she feels like shit,” Jackie says. “I don’t think it’s any excuse for what she did, because she definitely initiated it. She asked me if you hated her.”

“What’d you say?”

“I said she needs to talk to you directly. I don’t want to be in the middle, because I feel like you need to deal with her.” She looks up at me. “It was shitty, Isabelle. There is no denying that.”

“I don’t want to talk to her.” I frown, laying back down. Knowing that our mall tour is only a few weeks away is killing me. I’m going to have to be stuck with Alex and Leven at the same time, plus all of our friends. “I’m embarrassed.”

“You don’t need to be embarrassed, Izzy.” Jackie hands me a piece of licorice, biting off the end of her own piece. “You did not do anything wrong.”

“Well, every single fucking person was there to witness it. And the fight was my fault. It’s just embarrassing. Like we couldn’t just break up; we had to do it front of every single one of our friends.”

“Isabelle.” Jackie’s voice is serious. “You did not do anything wrong,” she repeats. “And be honest, did you really expect anything different?”

I don’t like the tone in her voice. And I know exactly what she is getting at.

Everyone I care about kept implying that Alex would cheat on me because he cheated on Leven with me. My mom said it. Madeline said. Jack and Dayo said it a couple of times. And Jackie said it the most, over and over and over again. I’m starting to feel like no one really truly supported our relationship, because they were all – every single one of them – expecting him to leave me in the end.

So when he did, it wasn’t a surprise. It was expected. It didn’t make it any better, but it was expected. It’s like they’re thinking that I should have seen it coming.

I think back on the last couple of months of our relationship. Should I have seen it coming? For the first month of our relationship, everything was perfect, and we were in that giddy phase where we always wanted to be around each other. We didn’t fight, and everything was great. Then from the months of September to December, it was definitely strained. Seeing each other felt almost like work. He was in school, I was working, and we were both exhausted all the time. I wanted to see him, but I didn’t want him to feel like I was being too clingy. And now I’m even questioning that – was he really tired or was he with Leven? Was he really busy with school or did he just not want to see me?

But then things got better. After Christmas Eve, everything changed. We were having a good time. There was no drama. We were having fun. So where did everything go wrong? Was he so discontent with our relationship at that point that he felt like he had to go make out with Leven?

I know Jackie isn’t blaming anything on me, but something in me snaps.

“Why do you have to fucking be like that?” I hear the words come out of my mouth, but I can’t really believe I’m saying them. As soon as I do, I feel bad – Jackie has always been there for me, and she doesn’t deserve this at all.

But Jackie is not the kind of person to take something like that lying down.

“Like what, Isabelle?” She sits up, narrowing her eyes at me.

“You talk down to me. It’s like you think you know everything about my relationship, and I don’t. You think you’re so much smarter than me because you didn’t get cheated on.”

“What the hell? Why are you even mad at me right now?”

“I’m just so sick of hearing everyone tell me I told you so. That’s all anyone ever said. I didn’t get any support from anyone.”

Jackie is beyond mad at this point. “You didn’t get any support from anyone? Are you fucking kidding me, Isabelle? I was there the entire time. I was there when he was dating Leven and you were pouting around being all fucking grouchy about it all the time. I was there when he told you he was going to break up with her and he didn’t. I stuck around while you two were dating and you stopped spending as much time with me. I was there during his last semester of school when you were so upset because you two never saw each other. I was there when you totally fucking ditched me to start hanging out with Leven, and she completely fucked you over anyways! I never left you! I was there the ENTIRE FUCKING TIME! And now you’re accusing me of not being there for you?”

“I never said you weren’t there! I said you didn’t support me, and you know it. You talked down to me all the time! You told me that I was better off without him!”

“I never told you that you were better off without him. That’s condescending, and I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“You did though.” I’m so mad I can barely even get the words out, and I know that I shouldn’t be saying these things. But everything is starting to pile up and all of the events from last night are really hitting me. And I’m taking it out on the only person around me. “I never said shit like that to you, ever, even though you sit around and pout about Jack all the time. You two have been dancing around each other for eight fucking months and you still aren’t together. And you’re really concentrating on my relationship? You need to work your shit out first.”

I know immediately that I’ve crossed a line. Jackie stands up, and even though she’s mad, I can see tears in her eyes. I feel like shit. She grabs her purse. “Screw you, Isabelle.” And she walks out, slamming my bedroom door behind her. Jennings jumps off the bed and hides underneath it, like he always does when he thinks people are mad at him.

I fall back against my pillows. I know I should go after her. I should apologize. But I just don’t have the energy in me right now.

Leave it up to me to alienate the one person I really have left.

Nice going, Isabelle.


	25. Really Don't Care

_I can’t believe I ever stayed up writing songs about you_

_You don’t deserve to know the way I used to think about you_

_Oh no not anymore, oh no not anymore_

_You had your shot, had your shot, but you let go_

“What do you think?” I hold the paint swatches up in front of Dayo. He is lying on my bed watching television and not paying any attention to me at all. “Hey. Dayo.”

He looks up at me. “Can you explain to me again why suddenly feel a burning desire to paint your room?”

I glare at him. “Because it’s boring.” I look around my room. It’s a plain white, the same color it’s been since we moved here. I finally convinced my mom to let me change it up, and she told me that as long as she didn’t have to help me paint, I could pick any color I wanted. So Dayo took me to the hardware store to pick up some colors, but now he is not being any help. “Just pick one. The purple or the green.”

“Isabelle.” He changes the channel, turning up the volume slightly to drown me out. “I really don’t know. The green.”

“Really? Not the purple?”

“Fine, the purple, whatever.” Dayo pokes me in the side, and I hit him on the head with a paint chip.

“You’re no good at this,” I say, holding the paint strips up to the light coming in through the window. “I need Jackie.” The words come out of my mouth before I realize what I’m saying, and Dayo mutes the television. I know I’m in for it now.

“Well then, maybe you shouldn’t have ripped her a new one.” I can always count on Dayo to just say exactly what he’s thinking.

“I know.” I sit down on the bed, tossing the paint chips onto my nightstand. Dayo looks back at me, leaning back onto his elbows. “I didn’t mean to. I feel like shit about it.” I can feel tears gathering, hot and stinging behind my eyes.

“Wait, Izzy, stop.” Dayo sits up, sliding towards me. “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

It’s been almost a week since my fight with Jackie. She hasn’t called; she hasn’t texted; she hasn’t come over. Nothing. Crickets. And I’ve been way too embarrassed to text or call her. I’ve been too embarrassed to text or call anyone, except Dayo and Jack.

I thought Jack would be mad at me, considering how close he is with Jackie. But the day after Jackie walked out of my house, Jack came over. I heard the knock on the door, and I knew I had to get up to get it because my entire family was out to dinner. I couldn’t have been more surprised when I saw Jack standing there since I figured he hated me.

“Hey.” He looked almost as uncomfortable as I felt. “Can I come in?”

I stood back, holding the door open. He walked into my living room and sat down on the couch by the window, dropping his car keys onto the table next to him. I sat down next to him, folding my legs up and wrapping my arms around my knees. I could feel the tension in my stomach, and I was absolutely sure he was there to yell at me.

“Look,” he started, “I know what happened between you and Jackie yesterday.” I sat there in silence, waiting for him to continue. “And, you know, I think it sucks that you two are fighting…” He looks down, and I immediately feel even shitter. “But I also want you to know that I’m here for you.” Jack looks back up at me, and I can tell that there is surprise written across my face.

“Well, thanks,” I said, swallowing hard. Jack scoots towards me on the couch, sliding his arms around my waist, and I relax a little, resting my forehead against the curve of his neck. I instantly feel better. Even though I lost my boyfriend, even though I lost my best friend, I still have Jack, and I still have my family.

Jack pulls back, looking me dead in the eyes. “Are you doing okay?”

“As good as can be, I guess, given the circumstances.” I pause. “Has Jackie… um, has she said anything?”

“She misses you.” Jack’s response is immediate, like he was just waiting for me to ask that question. “She feels bad. But she’s upset. I think she just needs some time.”

I nod, resting my chin on my knees. I don’t want to cry anymore, but I can feel the tears welling up.

“Do you want to hang out tonight?” Jack asks hesitantly, as if he expects me to reject his offer. “I can call Dayo and we can all do something. You know, get your mind off things.”

“Yes please.” I stand up, taking a deep breath.

Dayo comes over and the two of them hang out with me all night, taking me out to dinner and watching movies in my bed until we fall asleep. One of them arrives at my doorstep almost every day after that, keeping me company, and I start to feel a little better. I’m trying to think less about Alex, and I’m starting to work up the nerve to call Jackie and tell her I’m sorry. Or at least I was, until Dayo brought it up, and now I just feel shitty.

“Isabelle, stop.” Dayo hugs me tightly, and I know I’m tracking tears onto his shirt. “Please don’t cry. I can’t handle seeing you cry anymore.”

The boys and Madeline have been my emotional support for the last week. They’ve also been the only reason I haven’t caved and called Alex. He’s texted me at least once a day, telling me he’s sorry or he wants to talk or he feels like shit, and I haven’t texted him back even once. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I wake up every morning and he is the first thing on my mind; I fall asleep thinking about him.

Just because we broke up doesn’t mean I feel any differently.

And I’m thankful that I have Jack and Dayo and Madeline because otherwise we would probably be back together, and even though I still have all the same feelings for him, I know that trying to be with him after what happened would be a disaster. So every day when one of the boys comes over, they ask me whether I texted him or not. Madeline just urges me to stay strong – not to let him win. It’s hard, but it gets easier with every passing day.

“Isabelle, stop.” Dayo pulls me up, swinging me into his arms. “We’re gonna go out and we’re gonna get your paint, and I’m going to help you paint your room because now I feel like shit.” He puts me down long enough to let me grab my colors and then pushes me out the door and down the stairs.

“There’s seems to be a lot of that going around nowadays,” I say as I put on my shoes. Dayo follows me out the front door and I lock it behind me. We walk across the front lawn towards his car.

“You mean people feeling like shit?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me about it. Speaking of, have you talked to Leven?”

I just shoot him a look as he opens the car door for me. Once he gets in on the other side, all I say is “no.” I wait for a little while, and Dayo is just flicking on his turn signal at the end of my street when I say, “Although I’m glad everyone is so interested in that.”

“She hasn’t texted you or anything?”

I pull out my phone, unlocking it and hitting the little green and white chat bubble. The first person on the list is Alex, the second and third are Jack and Dayo, and the fourth is Leven. She texted me three days ago, and it’s a long fucking message. All she basically said was that she was so sorry, that she was an asshole, that she knew exactly what she was doing and she did it anyways. She said she wasn’t thinking about me when she did it and she wasn’t trying to hurt me. She said that she wasn’t over Alex, even though she thought she was. She said that that obviously wasn’t an excuse, and that she just fucked up. She said that she hoped I could eventually forgive her, and she understood if I didn’t want to talk to her now or anytime soon.

I didn’t answer.

I read the text to Dayo and look over at him when I finish it. He just shrugs, flipping down his visor. “Do you think I should text her back?” I ask.

“Not if it makes you uncomfortable,” he says, turning in the direction of the hardware store. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Isabelle. She fucked with your relationship, and you can take as much time as you want to talk to her. Or Alex, for that matter.” I lean my head against the window at the same moment that Dayo hits a pothole or something and I smack my head against the glass. Dayo bursts out laughing, reaching over to rub the side of my head. “Everything is going to be okay, I promise.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I know, Izzy. Because nothing is ever as bad as it seems once you get some perspective.”

“Perspective,” I say, rolling the word around in my mouth like it’s a piece of candy. “Perspective.”

“You know, like you just gotta take a step back and get a good look.”

“I know what the word means, Dayo.” I hit him in the shoulder. “I just don’t know how to get there. I don’t know how to take a step back.”

Dayo pulls into the parking lot and turns off the car before he answers. He turns to me, his eyes dark and serious. I get a flashback to the day I stood under the one hundred degree sun, pinned up against the Cornucopia as he stared at me, about to kill me. “Everything seems horrible when it happens, at first. And then it gets a little better. But then it gets a lot worse. And it stays like that for a while. But then you finally start to realize that no matter how you’re feeling, you will get through it.” He clears his throat. “And we’re here, me and Jack and Maddie and all the rest of your friends. And we won’t let you lose yourself.”

I can feel myself starting to cry again, but I wipe the tears away quickly, pushing open the car door and getting out.

Thirty minutes later, we drive up to my house. Jack is there, his car parked on the side of the driveway. He is leaning up against the passenger’s side door, and when I get out, he pushes off the car, coming over to us to help Dayo with all the cans of paint in the back seat. 

“Hey, Isabelle.” He plants a kiss on the top of my head, opening one of the back doors and grabbing a couple of cans. “Have you ever painted anything in your life?”

“No,” I say, gathering up the stirrers, trays, and brushes from the floor of the front seat where I dumped them. “But that’s why you two are here, right?”

Jack laughs, slamming the car door shut with his elbow. “Here to do all your dirty work, as always.”

I make food for the boys, and by the time I get back upstairs, they’ve already moved a ton of furniture out of my room and covered everything else. Dayo is in the process of taping the trim around the windows and doors and the baseboard. The drop cloth is already spread across the carpet, and Jack is cracking open the cans of paint and stirring them.

“Okay, Isabelle. You know how to paint right?” Jack says, scraping the stirrer against the lip of the paint can.

“You just put it on the wall.” I pull my shoes off, dropping them in the hallway. “How hard can it be?”

Dayo laughs. “Oh my God. This is going to be an experience.”

“Come here,” Jack says, still crouched down in front of a couple of open paint cans. He grabs a roller, soaking it in the light purple paint. “Come on.” I follow him over to the wall, and he holds the roller up. “Okay, see this is what you do.” And almost so quickly I barely see him do it, he turns and rolls the paint down the side of my face.

Dayo bursts out laughing. I stand there, paint dripping off my temple, cheek, and hair. “Oh my God,” I say to him, grabbing the roller out of his hand. “You are so asking for it.”

“Get him, Is!” Dayo says, pulling the paint out of the way as I tackle Jack down onto the plastic-covered floor, sitting on his chest and covering his face with paint. I almost forget for a little bit the events of the past week and how sad I feel. After a little while, Jack pushes me off, laughing.

“That is not how you paint a room, Isabelle.”

“You completely started that.” I stand up, wiping my face with my wrist.

I hear a knock on the doorframe, and look over to see Madeline standing there. She comes in, dipping her finger in the paint. “I love this, Isabelle.” She looks up at me, the right side of my face still streaked with paint and Jack on the floor, completely covered in it. “Can I help?”

The four of us get to work, and it takes us almost three and a half hours. When we get done, we are all covered in paint and exhausted, but I am so happy with it. Jack and Dayo are lying flat on their backs on the floor, and Madeline and I join them, Maddie on Dayo’s other side and me on Jack’s. “It’s perfect, guys,” I say. “Thanks.” 

Jack and Dayo get up to leave, hugging me good-bye. Jack tells me he’ll come by tomorrow to take me out, and then they’re both gone, leaving Maddie and me on the floor of my bedroom. She rolls towards me. “How you doing, Is?”

I shrug, getting up and rolling up the plastic on the floor. I realize that I feel better until someone asks me about it, and then all of the feelings come rushing back. “I’m fine. It gets better and worse. It depends on the moment, I guess.” Maddie stands up too, helping me drag my furniture back into the room.

We work in silence until everything is mainly in place, and she flops down on my bed, pulling a pillow underneath her chin. She pats the bed next to her and I sit down gingerly. To be honest, I am tired of everyone walking on eggshells around me, and I tell Maddie that.

“I know,” she says, nodding. “I get it. We just care, you know? We just want to make sure you get better.”

“I’m fine,” I insist. “I am fine. Like I said, it gets better.”

“Okay.” She sits up, tossing her hair back. “I’m going to bed.”

Once she’s gone, I change, wash my face, brush my teeth, and climb into bed, putting my phone on the charger. As soon as I do, it lights up, and I see Alex’s face pop up on my screen. Incoming call. Alexander Ludwig.

As much as Alex has texted over the last few days, he hasn’t called. Not once. I remember telling him to stay away, to leave, that we were over, and for the most part, he’s respected that. He hasn’t showed up at my house or called or anything. Until now. He’s given me time to miss him. So I reach for my phone and instead of hitting ignore, I answer.

I swallow hard before I answer, trying to make my throat work. “Hello?”

“Isabelle,” he says, and it’s weird for me to hear him use my full name. Not little Fuhrman, or Izzy, or Belle. It’s Isabelle now. “Hey…” He pauses. “I wasn’t expecting you to answer. I was just going to… to leave a message.”

“Oh.” I don’t know what to say. I feel so awkward. “Sorry.”

“No, no,” he blurts out, and I am struck at how different this feels. We used to be able to talk about anything, and now it feels like a struggle to get out just a few words. “I just wanted to see… how you are.”

“I’m fine,” I say immediately. I don’t want him to think that I’ve just sat around being upset about what happened, even though that is what I’m doing and he probably knows that that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I hear someone in the background on his end and the first thought that jumps into my mind is I wonder if that’s Leven. And that immediately reminds me why our relationship could never work out again. “I gotta go,” I say. Even though I don’t really want to, I can’t do this. It just hurts too much.

“Oh,” he says. “Okay, I—”

But I just hang up.

It takes me a long time to fall asleep that night. I’m more restless than normal, and I can’t get the conversation out of my head. I start to wish that I hadn’t hung up, that I’d given myself a chance to just listen to him. But I can’t take it back now.

I wake up when Jack jumps on my bed, and I roll over and see that it is eight thirty in the morning. “Oh my God.” I pull the pillow over my head, kicking him off. “It is too early for this.”

“Get up and get dressed. We’re going for a walk.”

I practically fall asleep in the car. It’s a twenty-five minute ride because Jack drives us to Santa Monica, and I am instantly reminded of New Year’s Eve. I try to shake that thought out of my head as I get out of the car, leaving my shoes behind, and walk with Jack onto the sand towards the water.

“I know you’re tired of hearing this,” Jack says as we start walking up the beach, the water licking at my calves. I kick at the sand, watching the surf crawl up the beach. “But I just wanted to see if things are getting any better.”

I sigh, looking up at him, and he raises his eyebrows at me. “It’s better,” I tell him, tying my hair up as I realize how hot out it is. “I promise.”

“It gets easier every day, right?”

“Right.” I kick some seaweed out of my path, watching it float farther out into the waves. I wish Jackie were here. I still haven’t gotten up the nerve to apologize to her. I tell myself that I’ll do it today, before I go to bed.

“You know what I think?” Jack says as we approach the pier. “You need to just move on. Find someone else. You know.”

I turn towards him, smirking. “Are you volunteering?”

He looks at me. “Are you taking volunteers?”

I roll my eyes and hit him in the arm. Once we hit the pier, we turn around, walking back the other direction. We talk about other things: the upcoming press tour, Jack’s last semester in New York, what I have coming up. I feel better, away from Los Angeles, away from Alex and Leven, away from my house and everyone asking me questions all the time. I look out at the ocean, wishing I could just stay here forever. We get back to the car, and I sit back against the hood, pulling my hair out of its bun, Jack next to me.

We get quiet, and as I look up at him, I see that he looks kind of abstracted, like he’s struggling to make a decision. Apparently, he does, because all of a sudden he is sliding his hands under my hair, gripping the back of my neck, and his head comes down, his mouth over mine. I reach out and tentatively touch his waist, my fingers feeling the muscles hard under his shirt. I close my eyes and I can feel the sun hot on top of my head, and I can smell sunscreen and saltwater, and I can hear the seagulls and the sound of the waves, and I realize that I am standing here kissing Jack, of all people.

My first thought is immediately what would Alex think, and then I just realize that I do not care. I don’t care at all. So as Jack pulls me closer to him, his arms sliding down to my waist, pressing me against him, I give in. I step closer, wrapping my arms around his waist, and as I feel him slip his tongue into my mouth, running it over my teeth, I let myself go, until I am honestly just making out with Jack in the parking lot.

It is an attraction born out of loneliness or maybe proximity, but it is an attraction nonetheless. And I am so relieved to be feeling something from someone other than Alex that I stop thinking about him or Jackie or anything except what is happening in this moment.


	26. In Case

_In case you don’t find what you’re looking for_

_In case you’re missing what you had before_

_In case you change your mind, I’ll be waiting here_

_In case you just want to come home_

“Isabelle!” I hear the voice distantly, and I jerk back from Jack, looking up and trying to subtly wipe off my mouth with the back of my wrist. “Isabelle, what the hell are you doing?” Alex is standing next to the car, apparently watching me kiss Jack. He grabs Jack by the shoulder, pulling him back. “What the hell is going on?”

I’ve never seen Alex look more upset.

Jack is yelling, and Alex is yelling back, and I have to get in between them, pushing them back. I am caught up in a sense of déjà vu, remembering their fight just a week ago. I know how this must look to Alex, but I honestly don’t think it’s fair that he’s mad. That’s when I see Jackie, standing behind him, her mouth hanging open, and I realize exactly what I’ve just done.

I’ve just done to Jackie what Leven did to me.

I open my mouth, but no words come out. Alex just gets angrier, and before I know it, he is walking away, Jackie running after him. I’m trying to talk, but I feel like my throat isn’t working. He looks back at me as he gets into his car, and he slams the door hard.

And then I jerk awake, sitting straight up and looking around. Jack is sacked out next to me on the bed, snoring a little, his arm stretched out where I must have been laying against him. I stare at him, trying to think back over the last few hours. I remember going to the beach with Jack. I remember him kissing me. I remember kissing him. I remember coming back to my house and going up to my room. I remember turning on the television and kissing him a little more. I remember feeling less awful about Alex by the minute. And then we must have fallen asleep.

I lie back against the pillows, thinking about Jackie and trying to justify what I’m doing in my mind. It’s not like she and Jack were dating, I think. She’s already mad at you. What else can you do? I close my eyes, trying to shake away the thoughts. The truth of the matter is that Jack is making me feel better, and I’ll deal with everything else later.

I roll over, leaning back against Jack. If I close my eyes, I can feel the warmth through his shirt and I can hear him breathing and I can almost make myself believe that this is Alex and we’re back in Asheville. But then Jack moves in his sleep, inadvertently pulling me to his side, and I am shaken out of North Carolina and back into the present.

I sit up again, elbowing Jack in the side to wake him up. He opens his eyes slowly, rubbing a hand over his face. “Oh,” he says, his voice a little scratchy from sleep. “Hey.” There is a pause as he wakes up. “Hey,” he says more emphatically as he realizes where he is. “Shit, I’m sorry. Did I fall asleep?”

“It’s okay.” I pull my knees up to my chest. “I did too.” I can already tell that things are going to be awkward with Jack and me. If it had just been that one kiss at the beach, if it had ended there, then maybe it wouldn’t be awkward. But it didn’t end there. And apparently it still hasn’t ended because Jack sits up, stretching his arms over his head, and I have to try to shake away my feelings for him.

But do I really have feelings for Jack? I ask myself. I don’t know if it’s just that I miss Alex or if I miss being close to someone. I’ve always been really close to Jack, and I was really close to Alex before I realized that there were feelings there. Maybe it’s the same thing. In which case I should get out while I can.

Jack leaves around two o’clock, and to say things are a little uncomfortable would be an understatement. I walk him to the door, and before he turns to go, he leans in and kisses my cheek. “Just… don’t worry about any of this, Is,” he says softly. “You’re Alex’s. You always have been.” He looks down. “And it doesn’t matter what shitty thing he does, because you always will be.” And he turns around and leaves, and I go upstairs and cry some more.

* * * * *

“You do it for me.” I throw my phone at Madeline. She is sprawled across my bed, flipping through Cosmo. She gives me a look as it bounces against her arm. “Well, I can’t do it. I tried and I can’t.”

Maddie smacks her gum, picking up my phone and throwing it back towards me. I manage to catch it awkwardly between my forearm and my stomach before it hits the ground. “It’s your mess. You’ve got to clean it up, Izzy.”

I sigh, sitting down on the edge of the bed and unlocking my phone, lighting up to show the recent numbers I’ve dialed. Maddie. Dayo. Jack. Jack. Dayo. Mom. Jack. Dayo. Maddie. Dad. Jack. Jack. Dayo. And then… Jackie. I get back up, pacing around the room like I have been for about an hour.

Maddie came into my room after Jack left, and I knew immediately that she suspected something was up. So I just told her everything that had happened that day, from the first kiss at the beach to the last kiss at the door. She just laughed, telling me she was proud at me, and when I got mad she told me to buck up and move on – “Not everything is as bad as you think, Isabelle.”

And that’s when I knew it was time to talk to Jackie.

“Okay. I love you, Maddie. But get out.” I point to the door and she sighs heavily and gets up, taking my magazine with her. I slam the door behind her, walking back over to the window seat and sitting down, trying to be still. I feel a little shaky and my stomach actually hurts and I can feel my heart beating in my ears.

I inhale sharply and press Jackie’s name, watching her picture light up the screen. I hold the phone to my ear and listen to it trill, each ring just driving home how nervous I am. On the fifth ring, just as I’m sure I am going to be sent to voicemail, she picks up. Her voice is cold, and I have a panicked feeling that she’s already talked to Jack and she hates me even more now. “Hello?” I try to speak, but no words come out. “Hello?” she says again, already sounding impatient.

And then, finally: “Hi.” She doesn’t say anything, and I add, stupidly, “It’s Isabelle.”

“I know.” More silence, and then she clears her throat. “Uh… what’s up?”

“I’m sorry,” I blurt out. I was going to go about it more eloquently, and I knew exactly what I wanted to say to her, but I’m so relieved to hear her voice that I don’t even think first. “For… for saying what I said, and for everything. It was shitty of me.”

“Yes it was,” she agrees, but the tone of her voice has done a complete one-eighty. “But I was shitty too. And you were right – I was being condescending. It’s not how I wanted to come off.”

I can feel the tension leaving my chest, but I know we still have a long way to go. “Can you come over? I need to talk to you about something.”

Jackie is ringing my doorbell less than twenty minutes later. I run downstairs, almost falling when I hit the hardwood floors, and I pull open the door, swinging it wide. “Hey, I—” I stop dead in my tracks when I see Jack standing behind her, looking down at the stone steps and biting his lip nervously.

I can feel my heart stop until Jackie rushes forward, throwing her arms around my neck. “I missed you,” she says into my hair, pulling back and pushing past me into the house. It’s like nothing changed, like we didn’t have that week of distance. Jack follows her, glancing at me as he passes. I still don’t know what’s going on, but I follow the two of them up to my room anyways.

Jackie is turning around in the middle of the room when I get up there. “I love this color,” she says, stepping closer to the wall and running her fingers over the purple. “Maybe I should paint my room like this.” She flops down onto the bed, and Jack sits gingerly on the edge.

“So…” Jackie says, fluffing up the pillow behind her head. “I know.”

“You know?” I look over at Jack.

“She knows,” he answers, cracking his neck. “I told her.”

I throw my pillow at him. “I was going to tell her. That’s why I asked her to come over.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was my job to tell her.”

“Okay!” Jackie holds up her hands. “She is sitting right here, and she can hear everything you’re saying, and she’s not mad about it so there’s no need to bicker.”

“You’re not mad?”

“You’ve been going through a lot, Isabelle.” She nudges me with her calf. “And I wasn’t here for you, and I should have been.” Jackie pushes me off the bed, laughing, and I know – finally – that everything is going to be okay. As I pull myself up off the floor, I see Jackie exchange a glance with Jack.

I know them well enough to know that they’re up to something.

“What’s going on?”

Jack clears his throat, and I’m starting to realize that he wasn’t nervous to tell Jackie what happened between us. He’s clearly still very nervous. “We had an idea.”

I sigh, pushing Jackie over and lying down next to her. “No.”

“Yes.” She pushes me back, and I glare at her. “It’s time for you to get out of this house and do something.”

“You and Alex are supposed to be together,” Jack says. “And we are going to make that happen.”

“Get up.” Jackie pushes me again. “Get in the shower, get dressed, get pretty, so we can get going.”

After fighting about it for about twenty more minutes, with Jack saying things like, “Don’t think about it, Isabelle. Just do it,” I get in the shower while Jackie picks out my clothes. I stand there under the water and close my eyes, slightly confused and incredibly unsure of what is going on. Jackie runs by the bathroom every two minutes, banging on the door and yelling at me to hurry the fuck up. I feel like I almost have no choice in the matter. But Jackie and Jack are right – I have been just sitting in my house since my birthday and I’m ready to get out.

I want to see Alex. I don’t know what Jackie’s plan is, but she normally makes a pretty good plan, so I’m thinking I have to just trust her. When I get out of the shower, Jackie sits me down in front of the mirror in my bedroom and starts blow-drying my hair while I do my makeup and Jack watches TV, making unhelpful comments.

“So what exactly is going on?” I ask as Jackie wraps a piece of my hair around the curling iron, snapping it shut.

“Do not touch those cookies, Jack. I can see you in the mirror,” Jackie barks at him. I can see him flinch in the mirror, pushing the Thin Mints back into the drawer of my nightstand. She turns back to me, releasing my hair, a curl of smoke drifting up towards the ceiling. I can see the dark wave of hair falling in front of my face. Jackie grabs another piece, winding it around the wand. “Well, have you talked to Alex at all?”

“He texted me a lot at first. He came over that first day, but you already knew that.” I shift uncomfortably, trying to stretch my leg out in front of me, but Jackie has a vice grip on my hair. “He called last night, and I kind of spazzed out.”

Jackie lets my hair drop. “What?” She makes eye contact with me in the mirror. “What did he say? What did he want? Why did you answer? Did he say—”

“Stop.” I flick her leg, and she narrows her eyes at me, grabbing another chunk of my hair. “He called when I was going to bed, and I didn’t really mean to answer, but I did. And he said he was going to just leave a message, and then he asked how I was doing. And I said fine. And then, like I said, I freaked out and hung up.”

Jackie shakes her head, fluffing out the hair at the back of my head. “Well, at least you answered.”

I try to twist around to look at her, but she pushes me back, brandishing the curling iron. “I thought you hated Alex. And were like completely against the idea of us getting back together.”

She tilts her head to the side, her long red hair swishing over her shoulder. “I was.” She releases my hair, another cloud of smoke drifting upwards. It looks like she’s almost done. “But I liked how happy you were when you guys were together. So I think you at least need to talk. Which is what we’re doing today.”

I hadn’t thought about trying to actually go talk to Alex. For all the time I had spent lying in bed thinking about him, I didn’t come up with any course of action. I spent enough time trying to figure out if I even wanted to answer the phone when he called or if I should text him back. Thank God I have Jackie to think for me.

“Okay.” Jackie puts the curling iron on top of my dresser, switching it off, and brushes her fingers through my hair, arranging it carefully around my shoulders. “So here is the deal. Josh is with Alex today, and Jack is going to text him—” She looks over her shoulder at Jack, who is longingly eyeing the cookies. “Jack is going to text Josh,” she says loudly, and he jumps, grabbing his phone.

“Jack is texting Josh,” he says, waving his phone in the air.

“And Josh is going to make sure that he and Alex are out somewhere, and we’re going to go find them,” she continues, standing up and cracking her back, pulling me up with her. “And then you two are going to talk and everything is going to go back to normal.”

I shrug. “If you say so.”

Jack’s phone beeps and he rolls off the bed, brandishing it in the air. “Josh just texted back,” he says, reading quickly. “They’re at Plummer Park.”

“Let’s go!” Jackie pushes me out the door, and just as I reach the steps, I turn around, looking back at her. “You’re welcome,” she says, smiling at me, before I can even get out the words.

I crawl in the front seat of her car, nervously fiddling with the bottom of my shorts. The closer we get to the park, the more anxious I get. I try to rehearse what I’m going to say in my head. I’m going to stay calm. I’m going to ask him to explain to me what’s been going on. I’m going to tell him that I still love him, but I don’t trust him. I’m going to tell him I want to work on things. Because I do. I do want to work on things. I’m sure that I do. I just have to tell him so.

We get to the park, Jackie taking the corner on two wheels, and she pulls into a parking spot, turning the car off. Jack looks like he’s going to throw up in the backseat. “Is it really necessary for you to drive like that?”

“I was driving for love,” Jackie snaps at him. “Now shut it – I’m trying to talk to Isabelle.” Jack sits back, making faces at her. “Okay. Be strong, Is. Tell him how you feel. You deserve the best, and you need to tell him that.” She reaches across me, pushing open my door. “The minute he sees you, nothing else is going to matter.” Jackie grabs a piece of hair in front of my face, twisting it around her finger and pushing it back into place. “Go, go, go.” As she pushes me out of the car, Jack climbs over the console in between the two front seats, and as I look back at the car, I see them both staring out of the window.

I look across the park and see Alex sitting on a bench, his back toward me. I stop for a second, close my eyes, and take a deep breath. Just tell him how you feel, I think. He used to be your best friend. He is your best friend.

As I start walking over to him, I can feel myself smiling. Jackie was right – everything is going to be okay. I don’t see Josh anywhere, and as I’m looking around for him, Alex disappears. I see him walking off to the side, over to the pavilion, so I change direction, veering off to the side, following him.

That’s when I see Josh sprint past me in the direction of the parking lot. “Hey!” he’s screaming, presumably to Jack and Jackie. He’s so preoccupied that he doesn’t even see me. I shrug and keep walking, getting closer to the pavilion.

I round the corner, scanning all the tables, looking for Alex. I see him sitting down at one of the tables, his phone out in front of him. I take another deep breath and head towards him. I am standing just behind him when I open my mouth to say something.

“Hey!”

My heart stops. It wasn’t me who said the word, but Alex stands up anyway. “Hey baby.” I can hear the smile in his voice, even though he’s turned away from me.

And then, clear as day, I see Leven walk right up to him, kissing him on the mouth and wrapping her arms around his neck. And he definitely kisses her back.

And I am left standing there again, watching the person I love kiss someone else again, feeling like an idiot again.

How can this be happening?


	27. All Too Well

_Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much_

_And maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up_

_Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well_

_You call me up again just to break me like a promise_

_So casually cruel in the name of being honest_

You have got to be kidding me.

“I thought you all were friends!” Nina is pacing around the circle of chairs where we are seated across from each other, arms crossed sullenly over our chests, anger rising like steam into the air as we stare at each other. Jackie snorts derisively, glaring at Leven, who is sitting right across from her next to Alex. Nina shoots Jackie a look, and she sighs, leaning back. “Now, I don’t know what happened, but—”

“I’ll tell you what happened—”

“—douche bag over here cheated on Isabelle—”

“—Alex and I were dating first—”

“—you really need to just shut your mouth, because I swear—”

“—between me and Isabelle, no one else needed to—”

“—not only once, but twice—”

“—cheated on me with her before they even started dating—”

“—seriously, Leven, you need to shut the fuck up—”

“HEY!” Nina all but screams the word at us, and we look up at her, the chorus of shouts dying down. “This is unacceptable. You all are professionals! We go on our mall tour in three days! Do y’all understand what that means?”

“There is no way—”

“—not going across the country with her—”

“—she doesn’t want to be near you either, princess—”

“—excuse you, I don’t recall asking for your input—”

“CUT IT OUT!” Nina yells, clapping her hands. I cross my legs, staring down at my knees and trying to avoid Alex’s gaze. He hasn’t taken his eyes off me this entire time, even though he’s sitting next to his girlfriend. “What has gotten into you all?” Before we could all start screaming again, Nina whirls around, pointing at Jen. “Fill me in please.”

“Well,” Jen looks around nervously, “I’m not sure of everything exactly. But at Izzy’s birthday party, Alex kissed Leven. And then he got in a fight with Jack and Dayo. And then I think Isabelle saw them together again later when she went to talk to Alex. And somewhere in there, Jack kissed Isabelle. But I don’t really know how that fits into it.”

Before Nina can say anything, Alex speaks up. “Wait, what? You hooked up with Jack?”

“We did not hook up.” I look up at him, speaking for the first time since everyone started screaming at each other. “We kissed a couple times, and that was it. No big deal.”

“No big deal?” Alex leans forward, his eyes dark. “Are you kidding me?”

“Hey!” I glare at him. “It’s not like you were sitting around waiting for me! You were with her the entire time!”

“I was not!” Alex is pissed now. “I wanted to be with you, and you’re running around kissing Jack!” Leven opens her mouth to say something, eyes narrowed, but she is cut off.

“It’s really none of your business,” Jack says from his spot next to me.

“You really should not be talking to me right now.” Alex puts his hand up, blocking Jack from his line of sight. This only serves to make Jack mad.

“You treated her like shit!” Jack stands up, rising above the rest of us, and I can feel Jackie move to the edge of her seat on my other side, ready to get involved. “You treated her like shit, and I was there for her. You left her, and she came to me.”

Alex is up and on his feet, lunging at Jack and connecting with his collarbone before any of us can even react. He knocks Jack over the back of his chair, and they land on the carpet behind us. Jackie is close behind them, jumping over the back of her own chair and landing on the pile, trying to pry Alex off Jack.

“Oh shit,” Nina mutters under her breath. “Can someone please get in there and stop them?”

Liam, Josh, and Dayo get up, running around our circle of chairs. I stand up, shifting back and forth as I try to decide whether I should get involved when I hear a voice behind me.

“You do realize this is all your fault, right?”

“What did you just say to her?” Jen stands up, coming to my rescue. Leven tosses her hair, looking supremely pissed off.

“I said that this is all her fault.”

“Um, actually, this is your fault and this is his fault. Isabelle did nothing.”

“If he was happy with her, he wouldn’t have come to me—”

“If you were a decent human being, you wouldn’t have tried to get him back in the first place—”

“We were together first—”

“He was with Isabelle a lot longer than he was with you—”

“HEY!” Everyone, myself included, is surprised to hear the word come out of my mouth. Jen and Leven immediately stop yelling, and even the boys, rolling around on the floor, come to a standstill. “What the hell is going on?”

When I woke up four hours and started to get ready, I didn’t expect the day to go like this. I didn’t expect to walk into the mall tour meeting and see Alex and Leven together. I honestly thought he would stay away from her, that after what happened in the park he would find the sense that the good Lord gave him and realize what he did. But apparently, they’re dating again, and I’m not too happy about it. Neither was the rest of the cast.

That day at the park, Jackie couldn’t get out of the car fast enough after I came running back. She didn’t even wait to ask me what happened – she knew from the look on my face that things had not gone as planned. Josh had to hold Jack back to keep him from following Jackie. “I’m so sorry, Is,” Josh kept saying over and over. “I had no idea. By the time I saw them, it was too late. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said, bending over and putting my hands on my knees, trying to get some air. I couldn’t breathe, and every two seconds the image of the two of them together popped into my head.

Jack managed to push away from Josh, running after Jackie. “Isabelle!” he yelled back over his shoulder. “Come on!”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea—”

“Let’s go, Is!” Jackie yelled, stopping and turning around. “This is your fight. You deserve to say something too.”

“Come on, Isabelle,” Josh said, putting his arm around me and walking over to where Jack and Jackie were waiting impatiently. “We’ve got your back.”

When I got to Jack and Jackie, she grabbed my arm, turning me towards her. “Okay, Isabelle. He is not going to get away with this, got it? This is enough. I’m putting my foot down. You just need to—”

“Belle.” I whirled around, hearing the familiar voice behind me, and it immediately brought tears to my eyes.

Alex was standing right in front of me, Leven nowhere in sight. Jackie kept her hand firm on my arm, letting me know that she was there, that she would step in if I needed her to. The only thing I could say was, “Why?”

“I thought you had left me.” I could hear the pain threading through his voice, rendering it hoarse and almost broken. “I thought you had decided we were done.”

“So you went back to her?” I didn’t say her name. I couldn’t. “You were the one who ruined this, Alex. You can’t blame it on anyone but yourself.”

“I wanted you!” He took a step closer, and Jackie immediately pulled me back, keeping the distance between us considerable.

“Well, people don’t get everything they want,” I said, turning to go. “Not even you.” And I walked back to the car, Jackie and Josh and Jack trailing behind me. I knew that there was more Jackie wanted to say, that she wanted to yell at him and curse and maybe even hit him. But I also knew that she respected my decision, and if I thought that was enough, then it was enough.

And it was enough.

For the next week, I started to pull myself together. I actively tried to put Alex and Leven out of my mind, spending time with my cast mates and my family. My mom made a big dinner for all of us, and they gathered around me, showing their support. My friends helped me feel better. They helped me try to forget. I always had at least one of them with me, usually Jackie, sometimes Jack or Dayo, even Mackenzie or Tara or Dakota, who I had thought might be on Leven’s side.

But as it turned out, no one was on Leven’s side. That fact became clear the minute we all walked into the conference room for our meeting.

Jackie had come over that morning to get me. This meeting had been scheduled for weeks, and we all knew it had to do with the upcoming press tour. But that didn’t mean I wanted to go. Actually, I had been dreading it ever since the incident at the park, as Jackie had taken to calling it. So when she came to pick me up, she almost had to drag me out of the house and to her car.

“Let’s go, Is,” Jackie muttered as she pushed me to the car. “It’s not going to be as bad as you think.”

“It is going to be bad. It’s going to be worse than I think actually.” I slammed my door shut and waited for her to get into the driver’s seat before I continued. “They’re together, I just know it.”

“You don’t know it.” Jackie narrowed her eyes at me before glancing in the rearview mirror, backing out of my driveway and starting down the road. “Even Alex wouldn’t be that stupid. Or Leven, if she knows what’s good for her.”

I wanted to believe Jackie. I really did. But I had a bad feeling in my stomach that there was something I was missing. That by letting Alex go, he was going to move on with Leven. And that’s not what I wanted – I wanted to be with him. But I couldn’t be with someone who hurt me, and that’s all he was doing. So I knew that letting go was the right thing. That did not, however, mean I was okay with him dating Leven, especially when we had to travel across the country together.

“We’ll see,” I muttered, looking out the window as Jackie pulled out of our neighborhood.

When she practically flew over the curb into the parking lot of the conference center, we were already five minutes late. Thankfully, we could just see Dayo and Jack jumping out of Jack’s car, clearly running behind schedule too. “Hey!” Jack yelled, running over and yanking open our doors, pulling us out onto the pavement. “Hurry up!”

“Relax.” Jackie yanked her arm back, smoothing out her shirt. “They can’t start without us.”

Dayo threw his arm over my shoulder, and that was when I realized I was actually shaking, already nervous for what I was about to walk into. “Don’t worry, little Fuhrman.” A chill ran down my spine as I heard the nickname, remembering that it was Alex who came up with it, who called me Little Fuhrman first. “Everything’s going to be okay. We’re right here.”

I looked up at Dayo, tall enough to block out the sun and fill my vision. I felt Jackie and Jack walk up on my other side. And knowing that I had my friends next to me gave me the energy to walk through the front doors, down the hall, and to the room where everyone is waiting.

But when we actually got there, my heart stopped. Everyone was sitting in the big circle of chairs, the conference table pushed to the side and covered in empty pizza boxes. And when we pushed open the doors, everyone looked up, and my eyes went straight to Alex. He looked nervous, and it took me a second to realize why before I figured it out. He was sitting next to Leven, her arm hooked around his, and I understood – they were together. It wasn’t just a one-time thing. They were back together.

Jackie took my arm, steering me over to the other side of the circle and sitting me down. Jack took the spot next to me, putting his arm across the back of my chair. And I kept my eyes down, determined not to look up, not to see them together.

Jen was even later than us, letting herself into the room a few moments later and whispering sorry as she slid into a chair between Willow and Amandla. Josh wrinkled his nose at her from across the circle, grinning as he caught her eyeing the food behind Alex, Leven, and Liam. “So,” Jen said, twisting around to look at Nina, “What’s going on? Where’s Gary?”

Nina stepped into the middle of the circle. “He is busy doing pre-press stuff. This will be a short meeting, so he asked me to take over.” She gestured to the whiteboard behind Willow, covered in our schedule for the next two weeks. Nina went through it quickly. “The mall tour starts in three days, and it will end in time for y’all to get rested up for the premiere. It’s going to be a long, exhausting two weeks.” I glanced over at Jackie and she shrugged. None of us really knew how this was going to work. “Gary decided that y’all would cover the most ground if you were split up into groups of about two or three.”

I immediately felt my chest tighten, and I had to try really hard to keep from looking up at Alex, seated directly across from me. In the few quiet seconds after Nina finished speaking, I shuffled through the choices and tried to decide which would be worse: being with Alex or not being with him. Before I had a chance to come to a conclusion, Nina began reading off names.

“Jen, Jackie, and Liam.” Jackie looked at me, panicked. We had figured we would be able to decide who we wanted to be grouped with, considering we were about to be stuck on planes and in hotel rooms with these people for the next two weeks. I wasn’t sure I could do this without Jackie. “Willow and Josh, you two will be joined by Jen and Liam for some of the stops, at which point Jackie will meet up with Dayo, Leven, and Amandla.” I could hear my cast mates starting to mutter around me, and as Jackie grabbed my arm, I realized who was left. “And the last group is Jack, Isabelle, and Alex.”

You have got to be kidding me. This was the only thought that ran through my mind before all the shouting started.

After I scream at everyone, it is silent for a few moments. Alex and Jack push away from each other, glaring at each other as they sit back down, breathing hard. Leven goes back to her seat under Jen’s furious gaze and sits down, flipping her hair back over her shoulder. She leans over to Alex, whispering in his ear. He doesn’t react, his eyes settling back on me and unmoving, even as he speaks.

“I am not going across the country with Jack.” Alex’s words are quiet, and next to me Jack rolls his eyes.

“That’s fine with me,” he spits out at Alex.

“Stop.” Nina’s voice is firm, cutting off another fight before it can start. “Now I don’t understand why you can’t all just get along. You were all best friends just last summer.” She looks around, as if waiting for us to say something, but we are all quiet. “Fine. Then let’s change this up a little.” She goes over to the whiteboard, erasing the schedule that is scribbled across it, and writes down a list, all of our names lined up. We sit there quietly while she mutters to herself.

As she reworks our groups, the tension in the circle gets thicker until I can almost see it floating through the air. Leven is still whispering to Alex, and he keeps nodding, his eyes darting back and forth between me and Jack. Jackie shakes her head, snorting.

“Do you have something to say?” Leven asks superiorly, and I feel like Jackie is about to jump out of her seat and grab a handful of blonde hair. I put my hand on her arm, shaking my head and glancing at Nina.

“Don’t,” I whisper to her. “We’ve already caused enough trouble today.”

“Fine,” Jackie whispers back, her eyes glittering with anger. “But she’d better watch it.”

“This is so stupid,” Amandla pipes up. Both she and Willow have been quiet up till now, letting the rest of us fight it out amongst ourselves. “Nina’s right – everyone used to be friends. What happened to that?”

No one answers her, but I can tell we’re all turning the question over in our minds. The obvious answer is that Alex cheated on me, leaving me embarrassed in front of everyone. But I think it goes a lot deeper than that. I’m starting to wonder whether Leven really was my friend again or whether she was just faking it to get closer to Alex. Either way, I don’t trust her, and I don’t trust Alex either anymore. Before I have a chance to speak up, Nina steps back into the circle.

“Okay, here are the final groups. No arguing, no fighting, no changing this time.” I glance over at Jackie, biting my lip, and she holds up her hand, fingers crossed. “Jen, Alex, and Amandla.” I let out a sigh of relief, barely audible, and realize that I definitely need some time away from Alex. Liam and Willow, you two will be joined by Jen after a while. Leven, Dayo, and Jack—”

Jackie snorts softly. “Sorry, boys,” she whispers, almost imperceptibly, not wanting to piss off Nina any more than she already is. “And that means—”

“Thank God,” I whisper back.

“And Josh, Jackie, and Isabelle.” I glance at Josh across the circle and he winks at us.

“There will be a couple of stops where you all meet up. And I want these issues between everyone to be figured out before then because I am not going to put up with anymore of this, and I’m sure Gary won’t either. So get it together.”

Nina walks out, leaving us to eat and talk. After the doors slam shut behind her, we all sit quietly for a few long minutes, feeling sheepish. Willow pipes up first. “Can’t we just forget all of this? Just get through press and the premiere, and then if y’all still hate each other, you never have to see each other again.”

It is a sobering thought actually. You never have to see each other again. When this movie officially comes to a close, when people are seeing it in theaters and our jobs are done, what’s going to happen to us? In one year, or five, or fifteen, am I going to be looking back at this time in my life as just a memory? Or am I going to have these people by my side?

“Willow’s right,” Liam says. “You all have to get along, or we’re not going to get through this.”

“There can’t be any more fighting,” Josh adds. “Not between Jackie and Leven and Isabelle, and not between Alex and Jack and Dayo. Not between anyone.”

I immediately flush red, embarrassed. “I wasn’t trying to fight,” I mutter, and Jackie pats my leg. “We need… a truce or something. Just to get through this. We’ll figure out what comes later when we get to later.”

“If we get to later,” Jen mutters.

Alex clears his throat. “Belle is right.” I can’t help but look at him when he says my name. “Truce?”

“Truce,” Jackie sighs.

“Truce.” Jack shifts in his chair, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Truce,” Leven mumbles.

“Truce.”

* * * * *

“How do you have nothing packed? We leave tomorrow morning!” Jackie throws my blankets on the floor, leaving me shivering and ticked off. “Get up, Is. I’ll help you.”

It is eight in the evening the night before we’re supposed to fly to Colorado, the rest of our cast mates heading off to other parts of the country: Florida, New York, Texas. I couldn’t get up the energy to pack anything, planning to get up early tomorrow morning to do it.

After the meeting, my thoughts were consumed with Alex. Whether he was thinking about me. Whether he regretted what he did. Whether he wanted to get back together. Whether he was with Leven. Whether they were talking about me, laughing at me. So I locked myself in my room for two days, trying to figure out how I was going to get to the premiere.

Jackie pulls my suitcase toward her, flipping the top open and throwing things in. “Don’t worry, Izzy,” she says, reading my mind. I slide down onto the floor next to her, folding clothes and putting them into the suitcase. “It’s not like Alex and Leven are in the same group, so you don’t have to worry about that. And we’re only going to be all together for a little while, so you have plenty of time to figure out what to do before then.”

“I know.” I wrap the cord around my hair straightener, slipping it along the side of the clothes piled into my suitcase.

“And I don’t think Leven will even be in Minnesota with us.”

“Why?”

Jackie shrugs. “Prior commitment? I don’t know. Either way, it’s one less day you have to deal with her.” 

“Well, I will take what I can get.”

My mom drives us to the airport early the next morning and Josh meets us at the baggage counter, taking our bags from us. “Shit, these are heavy,” he says, dropping them on the scales to be weighed and tagged. “Did you two bring everything you own?”

“We’re ladies, Joshua.” Jackie smirks, rolling her eyes. “This is what we do.”

We get through security and are walking to our gate when we start spotting our cast mates scattered around LAX. Jen, Liam, and Willow are waiting in line at Starbucks, yawning and oddly silent. Jack and Dayo are eating breakfast, flanking Amandla who is fast asleep across a row of seats. And that just leaves…

Alex and Leven. As I glance over at them, walking past the gate where they are sitting across from Amandla and the boys, a voice announces over the loudspeaker that the flight to Orlando is boarding. Jen walks up and nudges Amandla awake, waving to us as she does so. I am about to walk over to them when Leven kisses Alex good-bye. “Call me when you get there, babe,” I hear her say.

“Forget it, Is,” Josh says, putting his hand on my back and steering me away. “Have a safe flight!” he calls over to Jen and Amandla, and I turn around just in time to see them walking away with Alex.

Nina was right. It’s going to be a long, exhausting two weeks.


	28. Defying Gravity

_I’m through accepting limits cause someone says they’re so_

_Some things I cannot change, but till I try I’ll never know_

_Too long I’ve been afraid of losing love, I guess I’ve lost_

_Well if that’s love, it comes at much too high a cost_

“Flight 1713 to Minneapolis, Minnesota is now boarding.” The voice comes over the airport’s loudspeaker, jerking Josh awake seconds before Jackie punches him in the arm. He punches her back, and before I know it, the two of them are fighting in the middle of Chicago-Midway Airport.

We’ve been on our press tour for a week and a half. Jackie, Josh, and I went to Denver and Seattle before Josh had to leave us to interview with Jen and Liam. He joined us again in Chicago, and now we’re flying off to Minneapolis to meet up with the rest of the cast.

I thought that the road trip would be beyond exhausting, but being away from Los Angeles and all of our friends has been almost refreshing. Or at least it was, until the three of us finished our interview in Seattle.

“Get a move on, ladies!” Josh banged on the door of our hotel room, startling Jackie and causing her to jerk the mascara wand, painting a long dark brown streak across her cheek.

“HEY!” she screamed back, grabbing a tissue and scrubbing at the mascara mark. “We are girls, Joshua! You really have to get used to it.”

“I don’t care – we have dinner reservations in twenty minutes, and I made that very clear to you two hours ago!”

I bent over and shook my hair out in front of my face, watching the steam curl up as I hurriedly tried to finish straightening my hair. “Hurry up, Jackie, or he’ll probably break the door down.” I stood back up, tossing my hair over my shoulder and pushing her out of the way to get a glance in the mirror.

I fell in love with Seattle the minute we landed. The only thing I knew about it was that it rained a lot and it was the home of the Space Needle, but as we taxied up to the gate and I looked out the window, it was bright and clear, the sky as bright as it was in Los Angeles the day we left. Our interview went smoothly; Josh could barely get a word in before all the girls started screaming, but everyone was so enthusiastic, and we got to meet a lot of fans during the autograph signing.

When we got back to the hotel, Jackie and I fell asleep, just after Josh informed us that we would be going to dinner at seven. I woke up at six-thirty to a frantic Jackie racing around the hotel room and screaming that we had to get ready to go or Jack was going to kill us. And she was right, because he’d been knocking on our door and yelling ever since.

I grabbed my bag off the dresser, knocking a few things onto the floor, and threw the hotel door open. I had to jump back to avoid Josh, who literally fell into the room – he must have been leaning against the door, not expecting us to actually be done in time.

“God.” Josh glared up at me from the floor, pulling himself up and smoothing out his dress shirt. “Are you ready now?”

I rolled my eyes at him, glancing over my shoulder to assess Jackie’s progress. She was quickly twisting her hair up, but she looked just about down. “Yep.” I glanced back at Josh, smirking at him. “All ready.”

“It’s about time!”

“Shut up, Hutcherson,” Jackie said, herding me out the door and locking it behind us. “We’re right on schedule.”

“Only because I was sitting outside your door making sure you didn’t take too long.”

“You make it sound like we would never get out the door if it wasn’t for you.”

“Well, you wouldn’t! It’s like pulling teeth trying to get you two ready to go!”

“Oh, come on. We are not that bad—”

The two of them bickered the entire way down the hall. I realized that my phone was not in my bag just as the elevator dinged and the button lit up bright, the doors opening on our floor. “I’ll meet you guys down there,” I said, grabbing the key from Jackie’s hand before she disappeared.

When I opened the door to my hotel room, I could hear my phone ringing, but it took me a few seconds before I saw it on the floor, halfway underneath the dresser. I grabbed it, answering it without looking at the Caller ID, not wanting it to go to voicemail if it was my mom or Madeline.

“Hello?”

“Belle.”

My blood immediately ran cold. I hadn’t spoken to Alex since the disastrous cast meeting, and the last time I saw him was at the airport, when he was with Leven. I couldn’t think of any possible reason why he might be calling me, what he possible had to say to me that he hadn’t already said or tried to say. I was instantly glad that I had sent Jackie and Josh ahead of me – they would not be happy to find me on the phone with him.

All week, Jackie had been assuring me that I did the right thing, that Alex didn’t deserve to be in my life, and that I was completely justified in shutting him out of it. I knew she was right. I knew I couldn’t be in a relationship with him. There was no way to erase everything that had happened. But he had been my best friend, and I couldn’t change that. There was a giant hole where he had been, and I hadn’t figured out how to fill it yet.

I stood there in front of the mirror, the phone to my ear, goosebumps popping up on my skin. It took me a couple tries, but I finally managed to get a word out. “Hey.”

Alex sounded hesitant, like he thought I might hang up at any second. And to be honest, I was still considering it. “Where are you now?”

“Seattle.” I paused, trying to decide if I wanted to prolong this conversation. “How about you?”

“Phoenix,” he answered. I could hear Amandla and Jen screeching in the background. “We just flew in, but Jen is leaving before us to go somewhere with Liam and Josh. I guess you already knew that though, since you’re with Josh. And we go Minneapolis after this, which is nice because we get a break for a few days.”

He was babbling at this point, and I knew he was nervous. I sat down on the edge of my bed, keeping an eye on the clock on the nightstand. I didn’t want to keep Jackie and Josh waiting too long, or they would get suspicious. “It’s tiring, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s crazy. I can’t believe how many people come out for this stuff.”

“I know.”

My conversations with Alex had never been awkward like this. When I used to talk to him, I never ran out of things to say or felt like I had to stay away from certain subjects. And now, everything had changed. He wasn’t the guy I fell in love with or the person I met that first day on set. He wasn’t my best friend anymore.

“I just wanted to… check in,” he was saying. “See how everything was going for you. I mean, I’m going to see you in a few days, so—”

“Look, Alex.” I took a deep breath, steeling myself for what I knew I had to do. I couldn’t get over him if he was still a major player in my life. “It’s nice of you to call and everything, but it’s not…” I stumbled through the words. “I mean, whatever we had… it’s over. You don’t have to do this anymore.”

“I want to, Belle. I—”

“No.” I cut him off again, closing my eyes. “You don’t get it. You can’t do this anymore. I made it clear… I thought I did… Everything is different now. We’re not…” I couldn’t get the words out, and when I finally spoke, they tasted bitter in my mouth. “We’re not friends anymore.”

He was silent for a long time, until I thought he had actually hung up on me. When he spoke again, his voice was cold and distant, and I could hear the hurt laced through it. “I understand.”

“Alex, I—”

“Don’t worry, Isabelle.” It had been a while since I had heard my full name come out of his mouth, and I knew it was a clear sign that he was mad at me. “I get it. I won’t call again.”

As soon as he hung up, I regretted what I said. But I couldn’t take it back now, and I had Jackie’s voice in my head, telling me that I just did what needed to be done. So I got up, leaving my phone on the bed, and took the glass elevator downstairs to meet my friends.

* * * * * 

It was raining when we got in the cab to go to dinner. It was raining when we got in the cab to come back from dinner. It was raining when we caught the shuttle to the airport. And it was raining as the plane picked up speed, rising up into the dark, heavy clouds. My last glimpse of Seattle was blurry, through the clouds and the rain spotting the window. Josh had taken a different flight that morning, jetting off to join Jen and Liam while Jackie and I traveled on to Chicago alone. We had two days off, and I, for one, was happy it was in Chicago, with all the great shopping.

But even shopping couldn’t take my mind off the fact that at the end of the week, I was going to be seeing Alex. We would be in close quarters the entire time: at the hotel, in a taxi, during the interview, signing autographs, on a plane on the way back to Los Angeles. I probably wouldn’t get away with ignoring him entirely, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

On our second night in Chicago as Jackie and I were waiting for Josh to fly in, we decided to walk down Michigan Avenue. There were people everywhere, but it was a cool night and the stars were bright over our heads, even in the middle of the city. As we passed the stores, peering in the windows, Jackie’s phone went off. She pulled it out, but didn’t answer it, and I knew immediately who it was.

“Go ahead,” I said, shrugging. What else could go wrong at this point?

Jackie gave me a pointed look, but brought the phone to her ear. “Hey Lev.” I could hear Leven’s voice coming through the speakers, gravelly and distant. “Yeah… Oh, really?” Jackie hit my arm repeatedly, and I raised my eyebrows at her. “Oh my God,” she hissed to me. “Well, that sucks. I’m sorry. Yeah. Okay, we’ll see you back home? Okay. Bye.”

She dropped her phone back in her bag, turning to me and pulling me to a stop with a yank on my arm. “Alex dumped Leven again.”

I rolled my eyes. “I really don’t care.” I turned to walk away from her, and she scurried to catch up with me.

“Really, Isabelle? You really don’t care?”

“Does it matter if I do? We’re never going to be together again, so even if I did care, it’s a moot point.”

Jackie shrugged, hooking her arm in mine. “How do you know you’re never going to be together again?”

“Jackie!” This time it was me who stopped, yanking her to a halt. “This entire time, you’ve been telling me that I did the right thing, I made the right decision, he doesn’t deserve to be in my life, I need to move on, blah blah blah.”

“Maybe.” She let out a big sigh, making a face at me and pulling me down the sidewalk. I’m sure we must have looked incredibly stupid to everyone passing us. “But don’t you think it means something? Him getting rid of Leven again?”

“No! I think it’s stupid. I think the whole thing is stupid, and I’m sick of talking about him.”

“Okay, sorry.” We walked down the street in silence, our hotel growing bigger as we approached it. “But don’t you think you could just—”

“No.”

“I mean, it wouldn’t hurt to—”

“No. Seriously, Jackie. No.”

“How are you going to get through the Minneapolis tour then? That’s all I want to know.”

“It’s work. I just have to do it. If I got through the first part of filming when he was with Leven, I can get through a few days of press.”

“You’re not going to talk to him at all?”

“Why are you so interested in this?” We pushed on the thick glass revolving doors, spinning around until they spit us out in the massive expanse of hotel lobby. “You hate Alex.”

Jackie was clearly exasperated. “I don’t hate Alex. I don’t like what he did to you, but I don’t hate him. And you’re clearly miserable without him.”

“I am not!”

“You are. Josh thinks so too.”

“I think what?” His voice came from behind us, warm and comforting. His face split into a smile as we whirled around, hugging him. Even Jackie seemed happy to see him. “What do I think?” he repeated after we let go of him.

I raised my eyebrows at him. “That I’m miserable without Alex.”

“Oh, you totally are.” He led us to the elevator, smacking the up button with his palm.

“So you think we should get back together? Because Jackie does.”

“I did not say that!” she said, pushing me into the elevator as the doors slide open. “I just think you should talk. Maybe you can clear some stuff up. And ask him why he broke up with Leven, because I really want to know.”

“What?” This was clearly news to Josh. “Since when?”

“Since today, apparently.” Jackie pressed the button for the seventh floor, the glass elevator shooting us upwards.

“This is just ridiculous.” I shouldered her aside as we reached our floor, pulling the key card out of my back pocket. “There’s nothing going on with Alex anymore. It’s like our relationship never happened. So I don’t know why we keep talking about it.”

Josh threw himself down on my bed, carefully arranging the pillows behind his head. “Does Alex know that?”

“Take your shoes off at least.” I flopped down beside him, dropping my bag onto the floor. Jackie sat cross-legged at the end of the bed, and I knew we were in for a big discussion. Great. “And yes, he does. I told him.”

“You told him?” Jackie’s eyes widened. “When?”

“In Seattle. He called.”

Her voice rose, almost to a screech. “And you didn’t tell me?”

“It wasn’t a big deal,” I groaned. “He called, he tried to talk, and I told him no. I told him we didn’t need to do that anymore.”

“And?”

“And nothing. That was it. He hung up.”

“Was he mad?”

“Yeah, he sounded pretty pissed.”

“But he broke up with Leven anyways.”

“I had nothing to do with that.”

“You had everything to do with it.”

“Okay,” Josh broke in. “Why don’t I just call him and find out what’s going on?”

“That’s a great idea!” Jackie bounced up and down, patting my leg.

I sat straight up, my hair hitting me in the face as I whirled around to look at Josh. “That’s a horrible idea. Legitimately horrible.”

But there were two of them and only one of me, so it didn’t really matter how much I argued. Jackie kept me from tackling Josh and grabbing his phone while he dialed Alex. And as soon as I heard him answer, I froze. I couldn’t have moved even if I’d wanted to.

“Hey, dude, I just wanted to see how you were.” Josh shifted the phone to his other ear, ignoring Jackie’s repeated attempts to get him to put it on speaker, swatting her away as she tried to grab it from him. “Yeah, I heard. No, Jackie told me.” He glanced over at me. “Ah… yeah, she knows.” Josh cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable, and I could pretty much predict what Alex was saying. “No… nothing. I don’t really know. You could ask her, I mean—” I hit him in the leg, knowing exactly what he was trying to get Alex to do. “Yeah, I know. Well, either way, I’m sorry… Okay, yeah… Yeah, see you in a few days.” He threw the phone down on the bed, immediately saying, “You have to talk to him.”

“I do not!”

“You do.”

“Okay, look.” I stood up, getting increasingly angrier by the second. Not at Jackie, not at Josh, not even really at Alex, but just at the situation I’d been put in. “I am tired of this and it and him. Of the entire thing. I didn’t ask for this; I didn’t want this. I just wanted to be with him and everything was great, and then he ruined it, and now I’m the one who has to deal with the consequences. And I was going to go back to him, I was going to try again, and he ruined that too. So now it’s over. I’m not going back again. I’m not going to try again. I don’t want to, and I can’t. I couldn’t do it even if I did want to, because it hurts too much.”

“Isabelle, we—”

“No, you don’t get it. I didn’t want this to happen. And it sucks. And I wish I didn’t have to see him all the time or talk to him or think about him or hear about him because it hurts. I need to get over him and move on with my life because I can’t do this anymore.”

And with that, I turned and stalked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I could hear Jackie and Josh talking quietly, their voices muffled by the water running as I turned the shower on so they couldn’t hear me cry. They both knocked on the door a few times, but I didn’t open it, and they got the message. Once I heard the door to the hallway slam shut, I turned the water off, the steam rising around me like a blanket, and pulled my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them.

Only two more days to figure out what to do.

Only two more days until Alex will be right there in front of me.

* * * * *

As the plane touches down in Minnesota, I can’t breathe. My two days turned into one, and then I was waking up and driving to the airport, just like all the other days before this one. But unlike all the other days, I was dreading everything about it, knowing that I would barely be able to stomach the short, forty-five minute flight to Minneapolis.

“It’s okay.” Jackie pats my knee, jerking me to attention. After our fight in Chicago, she and Josh both apologized to me, making me feel horrible because I knew they weren’t trying to upset me. “We’re here.”

I have no idea where anyone else is, Jen or Amandla or Alex. There’s no sign of them in the airport, which is what I was expecting. I talked to Amandla before we got on the plane and she said they would be getting in around the same time as us. Josh has been on his phone constantly, and judging from the way he keeps trying to hide it from me, I assume he is texting Alex.

We pull up outside the massive glass monstrosity that is our hotel, and pile out of the cab onto the sidewalk, our mountain of bags around us. One of the hotel bellboys meets us on the curb, stacking our suitcases onto a gold rolling cart, and we follow him through the big glass and wood doors. Jackie veers right to the check-in desk to tell them we’re here, and that’s when I see them.

Amandla is the first one to run over to us, and I give her a big hug. Jen is close behind her, a huge smile on her face, and she goes right to Josh. Alex is trailing behind them, looking undecided and kind of sullen. Amandla takes off, running over to Jackie, and I am left awkwardly alone, just staring at him.

Josh clears his throat pointedly, and I take a deep breath, readying myself to go over and talk to him. But at that moment, Jackie comes back over with Amandla, handing me our room key, and when I look back at the spot where Alex was standing, he’s gone.

“I mean, you can’t really be surprised, right?” Jen asks later, as the rest of us are gathered on her bed. “I don’t know what happened, but he’s been really pissy the last couple of days.”

I put a pillow over my face. “No, I guess not.”

“What did you say to him? On the phone?” Amandla asks from where she is braiding Jackie’s hair.

I try to recall our conversation. “He called to check in, he said. And I told him I couldn’t do this and that we weren’t friends anymore.”

“Well, that would explain it.” Josh rolls over onto his stomach, kicking Jen in the process. “You should go apologize.”

“She doesn’t have to apologize!” Jackie speaks up, having been surprisingly quiet during this entire conversation. I pull the pillow off my face and sit up, looking over at her, confused.

“I thought you were all pro-Alex.”

“I was. I still am, for that matter. But you were the one who got hurt in that relationship, so I don’t think you should say you’re sorry for standing up for yourself.”

“I agree,” Jen says adamantly.

After another half hour of discussion, I am walking down the hall to Alex’s room. My friends were divided on the issue: Josh and Amandla thought I should at least go talk to Alex, even if I didn’t say I was sorry; Jen and Jackie thought that it was my life and my choice, and I should do whatever I wanted. I found myself siding with Josh and Amandla, telling myself that we did have an interview to get through, and we couldn’t get through it if the two of us weren’t speaking to each other.

He answers the door on the first knock, but I can tell he wasn’t expecting it to be me, because he isn’t wearing a shirt and his hair is messed up like he’d been sleeping or lying down.

“Hey,” I say, my voice shaking. “Can I come in for a second?” He holds the door open for me wordlessly, and I walk inside, turning around to look at him as he shuts the door behind him.

“What’s up?” His voice is scratchy, and I’m pretty positive I woke him up.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” I trail off as he rubs his hand over his face and grabs his shirt off the floor, pulling it over his head. When I knocked on his door, I didn’t expect to apologize. I just wanted to talk. But I hear the words coming out of my mouth before I can stop myself. “I’m sorry. For what I said on the phone. I didn’t mean to sound so… harsh.”

“It’s fine, Isabelle,” he says shortly, his back to me as he grabs his phone off the floor and plugs it in.

“Don’t call me that.”

He turns to look at me, eyebrow raised. “That’s your name, Isabelle.”

I take a step towards him, my stomach turning. “You know what I mean.”

“Look, I don’t know what you want from me. You said we’re not friends, so I’m taking a step back. You keep pulling me back and forth, and I don’t know what to—”

“I keep pulling you back and forth? You have got to be kidding me! You keep pulling me back and forth!”

“Yeah, and I’m sorry for that! But you said you were letting go; you said that everything is different and whatever we had is over now, so I’m trying to respect that. I’m trying to leave you alone, because that’s what you want, but it’s killing me, Isabelle. It’s killing me.” His voice breaks at the end, and he stops talking, turning away from me again.

“Why?” I ask softly.

“Because you don’t leave the people you love alone, Belle.”

I don’t think he even realizes what he said, but the minute I hear my nickname come out of his mouth, I feel the tears in my eyes. Everything is different. That’s what I told him. And in that moment, I am completely regretting doing so. When he turns around, I realize that I haven’t said anything, that there are tears on my cheeks.

“Don’t,” he says softly. “Don’t cry, Belle.”

I take one step toward him, wiping the back of my hand across my face, and then another, until I am standing close enough to touch him. He is backed up against the bed, and as he looks down at me, I know I should turn around and walk out, that I should just leave. But I can’t. I reach out and touch his arm, sliding my hand down until my fingers are tangled with his, so that even if he wanted to pull back, he couldn’t. I take one more step closer, until I am close enough to kiss him.

Kissing him feels like coming home. It’s not like kissing Jack, and I immediately realize how long it’s been since Alex and I have been this close. I feel his mouth relax beneath mine, and he brings his hands up to my neck, sliding under my hair. It only lasts for a few seconds before he pushes me away.

“Isabelle.”

I know just by looking at his face what he is about to say. “Don’t, Alex. Don’t ruin it.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, walking over to the door and yanking the handle, holding it open for me to walk out. “We can’t do that. It doesn’t matter how much… how much I want to. It’s not a good idea.”

I don’t say anything – I just leave. I walk out the door and I don’t look back as I make my way back to my own room. When I hear him close the door behind me, I stop, leaning back against the wall and sliding down to the floor, my head in my hands.

He’s right, I think. You were the one who said you didn’t want to do this. He’s just respecting your wishes. But it doesn’t matter how many times I repeat the words to myself – I wanted it to happen; I wanted things to go back to normal, and he shot me down.

Again.

I feel like I’m standing in the park again, watching him with Leven. It’s not the same thing, but it’s close.

So when we’re walking down the tunnel in the Mall of America the next morning, the sound of people screaming growing louder and louder, I don’t look at him. I keep my eyes straight ahead, focused on what we’re about to do. I can feel him next to me the entire time, only a few inches away, and I ignore him as best as I can.

And just a few hours later, we’re going home.


	29. Better Dig Two

_Here lies the girl whose only crutch_

_Was loving one man just a little too much_

The worst day of my life ends with me walking away from Alex for the last time. However, when I woke up that morning, I had no idea how fast everything was going to go downhill.

“Wake up, Izzy!” I rolled over at ten o’clock to find Madeline jumping on my bed and dancing to the radio, which she had turned up as high as it would go. “I haven’t seen you in a long time and we’re going to hang out today!”

I groaned, pulling the pillow over my head to block out the noise and the light coming in through the windows, wide open courtesy of Madeline, I was sure. “I just got back last night; let me sleep.”

I assumed that Madeline had heard about what happened on the mall tour by now, considering the fact that Jackie has a big mouth and I ended up telling her everything on the plane ride back. If Madeline didn’t know, she probably wouldn’t be crazily dancing on my bed only a few hours after we landed at LAX and my mom picked me up from the airport.

“Just five more minutes,” I whined. “Come on, Maddie, I don’t do this to you.”

“Of course you don’t.” She pulled my blankets off me cheerfully, throwing them on the floor and literally dragging me out of bed. “Because I would kill you if you did. I’m taking you shopping.”

I kept arguing while she pushed me to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet while I took a shower. She babbled at me the entire time, making it very clear to me that she knew exactly what had happened and that she was planning to try to make up for it. I wanted to tell her that I was fine, that it wasn’t a big deal, but I knew she wouldn’t listen. And I wouldn’t even be lying – it actually wasn’t all that big of a deal. Yes, it sucked, and yes, being rejected by Alex after everything that happened definitely stung a little. And yes, I missed him a lot, not just as my boyfriend but as my best friend too. However, I knew I would get over it this time. I knew that there was nothing left to be said.

“This is really unnecessary, you know,” I told her as I dried my hair, flipping it over to get the underside. “I’m really fine.”

“We’re not hanging out because there’s something wrong,” Madeline retorted, scraping her hair up into a ponytail. “We’re hanging out because you’re my sister and you missed me a lot.” At that, she reached over and pinched my cheek. I pushed her away, shutting off the hair dryer and setting it down on the bathroom counter.

“Yeah, I did. But I also miss my sleep.” I glanced over at my sister, who was waiting impatiently with folded arms. “I’m fourteen. A growing girl needs her sleep.”

Madeline sighed, and I knew I was in for a diatribe. “Well, unfortunately for you, my dear Isabelle, you are not a normal fourteen-year-old girl, now are you? You had a nineteen-year-old boyfriend, who disappeared off the face of the earth apparently, and you are about to become a huge star, and you have a full-time job. And part of that job requires that you go to your own movie’s premiere. Which requires you have a dress. And as your big sister, I am required to make sure that you look amazing so that Alex will feel incredibly bad for being the world’s biggest asshole to you. And that means—”

“Oh my God, stop.” I pushed past her on my way out of the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind me as she raced to catch up. “Fine, we will go.”

She caught up to me on the stairs, slipping past me and stopping me with a hand on my shoulder. “You better not be this pouty all day.”

Her words struck a chord with me, rubbing me the wrong way. “I’m not pouty. I’m tired. Probably because my wonderful older sister woke me up at the butt crack of dawn.”

“Okay, look. I know you’re pissed. I know you’re sad. But you don’t get to be a bitch to me all day because you’re still mad at Alex.”

“I am not being a bitch!”

“You don’t even realize that you’re doing it. I am absolutely totally on your side, but I am beyond sick of all this Alex drama.”

“It’s not my fault. And I don’t recall asking for your opinion.” I tried to push past her, but she stopped me, jumping in front of me again.

“I never said it was your fault. And I get to give my opinion even if you didn’t ask for it. Freedom of speech and all that.”

“Well, then I reserve the right to ignore your opinion. My life, my ex-boyfriend, my drama, according to you. I don’t see anything in that sentence that includes you.”

“You want to know what includes me?! The fact that you’re always moping around the house or checking your phone every two seconds or waiting for Alex to show up every two minutes and say he’s sorry for whatever the hell it is that he did. It might be your life, but I live here too, and I am so tired of it!”

“Then don’t get involved!”

We were yelling at each other at that point, and it kept escalating until my mother got involved.

“Ladies!” She appeared from the kitchen at the bottom of the stairs, wiping her floury hands on her apron before fisting them on her hips. “What in the world is going on?”

Madeline and I spoke at the same time, our words overlapping until we were nearly unintelligible. “Isabelle got up on the wrong side of the bed and now she’s taking it out on me and—”

“I am not taking it out on you! I’m just tired and you attacked me—”

“I just wanted to hang out with you, and you had to be a huge bitch to me—”

“I was not being a bitch!”

“You were, and I cannot deal—”

“Just shut up, Madeline!”

“No, you shut up!”

“LADIES!” My mom’s voice cut through our argument, and we immediately stopped shouting at each other, instantly embarrassed by the fact that we got into a shut up, no you shut up fight in front of my mom. “Work it out, girls. I don’t want to hear anymore fighting. And watch your language, Madeline.”

“Yes, Mom,” she muttered, whirling around and walking down the stairs, slamming the front door behind her on her way to the car. I followed slowly, not looking forward to the rest of the day, hoping its shitty morning wouldn’t be a projection of the rest of the day.

“Isabelle.” My mom’s voice stopped me, and I stood frozen with my hand on the doorknob, waiting for the lecture I was sure was forthcoming. I wasn’t expecting her to ask, “Are you doing okay?”

I turned slowly, my heart beating faster. “I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

“Well, after the call this morning, I didn’t know if you were feeling any differently, or if you were sure about this—”

“What call?” I frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“Madeline didn’t tell you.” I knew it was supposed to be a question, but it came out as a statement.

I rolled my eyes. “What do you think? We didn’t get a lot of civil conversation in this morning.”

“Alex called.”

My heart immediately stopped, and my mom raised her eyebrow, pausing, as if waiting for me to acknowledge what she said.

“Oh?” I finally managed to get the word out, my heart beating so hard I could practically hear it in my ears, drowning out the rest of my mom’s words.

“He said it tried to call your phone, but you didn’t answer. He asked if you would meet up with him today. To talk. Maddie said she would take you. I assumed that was where you were going?”

“I… ah… I…” I couldn’t speak, and my mom cleared her throat.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to drop a bomb on you.”

I took a step backwards, reaching behind me for the doorknob. “No, no, it’s fine. I just… need to figure out what to do.”

I was halfway out the door when my mom spoke up again, her words floating over my shoulder. “For what it’s worth, Is, I think you should talk to him. Maybe you can get some things worked out. This entire thing is coming to an end pretty soon, and it would be a good idea to resolve your issues. Get some closure.”

“Okay, Mom. I’ll think about it.”

Madeline was waiting in the car, radio turned up high, air conditioning blasting even though it was kind of chilly outside, tapping the steering wheel impatiently. “What the hell took so long?” she asked as soon as I pulled the door open, sliding into the passenger’s seat.

“Why the hell did you not tell me Alex called?”

“I was going to,” she answered, looking over her shoulder as she backed out of the driveway. “But then you started yelling at me.”

“Um, you yelled first, so don’t even try to blame it on me.”

Madeline and I don’t fight often. We’re close enough in age where she is more of my best friend than my sister. However, that means that when we do fight, it’s big and disastrous. And deep down, I knew she was right. I knew I was being a bitch, that I was moping around the house and being rude to everyone, and I knew it was because of Alex, because I didn’t know what was going on and I missed him. And I knew my mom was right too – everything was ending. And that definitely scared me. It was hard enough leaving Asheville and not seeing my friends every day, but we still had the press tour and the premiere. Once all that is over, what do I have? I won’t be seeing Jackie or Jen or Amandla or Jack or Dayo as often, if ever. I’m scared to grow apart from these people. I know everyone says we’ll all stay in touch, but how realistic is that? We’re not normal teenagers – we have careers and we travel and we’re busy. I don’t want to lose them.

“Madeline.”

“Isabelle.”

We both said it at the same time. “I’m sorry.”

Madeline laughed, the sound breaking the tension in the car, and that was all it took for everything to go back to normal. “I meant to tell you,” she said to me. “I wasn’t trying to hide it from you or anything. And you really do need to go shopping for the premiere; Mom said so. But I was also going to take you to meet up with him.”

I turned the air conditioning down as surreptitiously as I could, not wanting her to complain that it was too warm. “What exactly did he say?”

“That he called your phone and you didn’t answer—”

“It was on silent. I was trying to—”

“I swear to God, Isabelle, if you talk about missing your sleep one more time—” She broke off, grinning at me so that I knew she was just kidding this time. “Anyways, he said he really needed to talk to about what happened in Minneapolis, and he practically begged me to bring you to meet up with him.”

“Where?”

“At his apartment. I was going to drop you off and go to the Grove and see if I could find anything for you to wear to the premiere.”

“So do I get any say in what I wear?”

“Not in the first round, Isabelle.” Madeline rolled her eyes at me like that should have been obvious. She flicked on her turn signal, and the closer we got to Alex’s apartment, the more nervous I got.

When we pulled up and I saw him sitting on the steps outside his apartment building, I could barely breathe, much less answer Madeline when she asked me if I was going to be alright. I just nodded wordlessly, getting out of the car and watching her drive off, my phone gripped tightly in my hand. I stood there for a second, watching her drive away and prolonging the amount of time I had before I had to face Alex.

“Hey.” I jumped, his voice coming from right behind me, and I whirled around. He was standing right in front of me, rubbing his arms like he was cold. “Do you wanna go inside?”

I nodded, still speechless, and followed him into the building, up the stairs, and through the door of his apartment. Mark was nowhere to be seen, but the television was on and there were two empty bowls on the table, a spilled puddle of milk between them. He sat down on the couch, muting the television, and I sat down next to him, cross-legged. I cleared my throat a couple of times before I finally said anything. “What’s up?”

“I was scared.”

That was all he said, and I stared at him for a long time before I could think of anything to say. And even then, the only word that came to mind was, “What?”

Alex sighed deeply, touching my knee. “I’ve been in relationships before. You know that. But this one… it scared me.” I raised my eyebrow at him, and he shook his head quickly, reading my thoughts before I could voice them. “Not in a bad way. In a good way, actually, if that makes any sense. But all the girls I dated before you… well, it wasn’t really real. It didn’t mean much. But then I met you. And from the second I started talking to you, things were different.” He flattened his hand on my knee, his fingers warm. “You looked at me, and you just… knew me. And it was great. You could tell what I was thinking before I said anything, and you knew how I was feeling even when I didn’t, and I loved that. But then that started to scare me. I didn’t want to mess anything up.”

“Well, you did mess up,” I muttered, not wanting to be contrary, but not able to help myself.

“I know,” he said, pulling his hand back. “You know, I wanted to fix things. I really did. And I don’t know why I acted the way… the way I did.”

“With Lev, you mean.”

“I know I hurt you, Isabelle.”

“You didn’t just hurt me!” I uncrossed my legs, scooting backwards out of his reach. “You broke my heart. I told you I loved you. I told you I wanted to be with you, no matter what. And you completely betrayed me and humiliated me in front of everyone. And I lost you, because you changed.”

“I didn’t try to do that—”

“But you did! You did, and now I’m left with no best friend, a lot of embarrassment, and an ache in my gut the size of Texas.” I stood up, knowing what I had to do. “This is over, Alex. For good. I can’t keep going back and forth. Every time I try to open the door back up, you slam it shut.”

He stood up too, stepping towards me. I backed up until I found the door, bumping up against it and grabbing the handle. “I’m telling you I want to try. What else do you want from me, Isabelle?”

“I want you to stop.” I pulled the door open. “We’re done, Alex. Accept it.”

And with that, I was gone.


	30. Everything Has Changed

_And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies_

_The beautiful kind, making up for lost time_

_Taking flight, making me feel like_

_I just wanna know you better_

Normally, it takes me around twenty minutes to fall asleep. Lately, with all the traveling and interviews and auditions, I’ve been falling asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. Tonight, however, I am still lying there, wide awake, two hours after I got into bed. With my day full of angst and the fight with Madeline and the talk with Alex, there is too much spinning around in my head for me to fall asleep.

When we got home, I tried to avoid my mom the same way I avoided Madeline’s probing questions in the car after she picked me up from Alex’s apartment. But the two of them are too similar, and I ended up spilling the entire story to both of them over ice cream and M&M’s at the kitchen table. They were sympathetic, of course, but I could tell what both of them were really thinking. Thank God. It’s over for real this time. No more irritating Isabelle. When my dad got home, he steadfastly tried to ignore the girl talk floating through the house, and I ended up retreating to my room as early as I could swing it, the sun still going down, a thin orange line radiating through my open window.

And now, two hours and five minutes later, I am still awake, still going over every word I said to Alex, second guessing and questioning whether I should have done something differently. I am pretty much resigned to the fact that it is going to be a long, sleepless night when my door creaks open, the blue glow of the hall nightlight spilling in through the crack. It is quickly obscured by a tall, dark shape, standing hesitantly at the threshold of my room. I know instantly, even in the dark, that it is Alex, and I sit straight up, instinctively pulling the covers up to my chin.

This seems to be a pattern for us – him sneaking into my room in the middle of the night. But it’s never been here in my house with my parents and Madeline asleep (hopefully) just down the hall.

It takes me a moment to find my voice, and my words come out in a hiss, floating over to him. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Don’t be mad, Belle.”

That’s all he says, but those four words take me back and any anger I had for him dissipates, filling the air. “I’m not mad,” I tell him, and it’s not a lie. “I just… it’s like I told you before. I need this to be done. It hurts too much.”

Alex creeps closer, close enough to reach out his hand and touch the end of my bed. As soon as his fingers brush the blanket, he seems to relax, and he comes even closer. “It’s like I told you before, Isabelle,” he says, parroting the words I just spoke. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I want to try.”

“I can’t try!” I raise my voice before I realize it is probably a bad idea, that it is not in my best interest, or Alex’s, to wake up my parents and Madeline. I motion him closer so that I can whisper, and he sits down gingerly next to me on the bed. I scoot over, keeping a few feet between us before I say, “I told you I need to be done. Why aren’t you respecting that?”

“Because I love you, Belle.”

He’s said the words dozens of times before, but for some reason they’re different this time. There’s nothing compelling him to say them; there’s no chance of us getting back together; but here he is, sitting in front of me, saying them anyways. Even after I told him no. Even after I told him it was over.

Maybe it’s the fact that the premiere is coming up so soon and I know in the back of my mind that this is all coming to an end, and I might never see him again. Maybe I just miss him. Maybe I just want one more night before I convince myself I have to let go, delete his number, start to move on. But I lean forward, resting my forehead against his shoulder, and it is only a matter of seconds before he slips his arm around, pulling me closer to him and pressing his face into my hair.

“I missed you, Belle,” he says, so softly I can barely hear him, and I feel the hot prick of tears behind my eyes. He kisses my cheek, and the tears start to fall. “Don’t cry,” he says softly. “Everything’s going to be okay, I promise.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“I can. I can, Belle. I’m going to take care of you.”

Alex strokes my hair, easing me back against the pillows, and I can feel myself starting to relax. Before long, he has kicked off his shoes and crawled under the blanket with me, cradling me like I’m just a child, like he used to back in Asheville when I couldn’t sleep. And just before I drift off, held tight in his arms, he whispers, “I promise, Belle. I’m not going to leave you ever again.”

* * * * *

I wake up to a couple of loud bangs on my bedroom door, and my heart immediately stops. What are my parents going to say when they walk in and find Alex in my bed? What is Madeline going to think? Because, after all, it is her I’m scared of. I sit straight up, reaching over to elbow Alex, shove him off the bed, get him to hide in the closet, something, but he’s not there. The bed is cold. And I know, instantly, that he was never there.

I was dreaming.

I sink back down against the pillows, closing my eyes. You need to get over him, Isabelle. You can’t live your life like this. He’s moved on. Now it’s your turn.

“Is!” Maddie’s voice comes through the door. “Is, you have to get up. Someone’s here to see you.”

By the time I ask who it is, Madeline is already gone. I jump out of bed, pulling on my clothes as fast as I can. It’s Alex; I know it is. I run a brush through my hair, yanking out the tangles, and look in the mirror. Well, this is as good as it’s gonna get. I stop myself at the top of the stairs, telling myself to relax.

It’s not Alex.

But that doesn’t mean I’m any less surprised at who is standing there at the front door.

* * * * *

“So… what’s going on?” I get out of Mark’s car, slamming the door shut behind me.

“Easy, Isabelle.” He stretches, and I can hear his back crack. “I thought we could talk a little bit.”

When I saw Mark standing at the door, I wasn’t immediately disappointed. So it wasn’t Alex… but what could Mark be doing here other than carrying out some errand of Alex’s? He told me he was taking me out for a little bit, that he thought we should go for a walk. And I complied, eager to hear what he had to say. But the longer he drove, the more my heart sank, realizing we weren’t going to go meet up with Alex. And then he pulled into the Santa Monica beach parking lot, the same place Alex took me to on Christmas Eve, the same place I kissed Jack. I don’t have a lot of good memories on this beach.

Mark walks around the car, slipping his arm over my shoulder. “Talk about what?”

“Alex, of course.” Mark pulls me towards the sand, and I reach behind me, pulling off my shoes and throwing them through the open window of his car before we get too far away. I shake him off, running towards the water, and wade out into the cold waves, feeling them lap against my calves.

“Izzy.” Mark’s voice floats over my shoulder, and I turn around to stare at him. He holds his hand up to keep the sun out of his eyes. “Come on.”

I don’t know why I’m so reluctant to talk to Mark. I have nothing against Mark. I really like Mark, actually. But I have a feeling he’s kind of pissed at me. I remember the conversation we had at the barbeque back in Asheville.

“I just want to make sure my boy is happy.”

“So this is the old don’t-you-dare-hurt-my-best-friend talk, huh?”

“I’m just saying.”

“You don’t have to worry. I think this is gonna stick.”

How could I have been so wrong?

So I am incredibly surprised when I walk back up to Mark and see that he looks almost sorry for me. I follow him down the beach slowly, kicking at the driftwood and shells in my path. We walk in complete silence for almost five minutes until Mark says, “You know what Alex told me yesterday?”

I can barely speak, and the word comes out scratchy and rough, almost like I’ve forgotten how. “What?”

“That you’re like sunshine,” Mark says softly, looking up at the real sun shining high in the sky above us. For an early day in March in Los Angeles, it’s actually pretty nice out, considering we’re getting all the breeze coming in off the ocean. He stops and turns to me. “That everything is better when you’re there.”

“He said that?”

“Yes. He said that you make him better. That you light up his life. And blah blah blah, lots more of the same kind of thing.”

“Why are you telling me this, Mark?”

He sits down, patting the sand next to him, and I sink down gingerly. Mark keeps his eyes trained on the horizon, on the endless pattern of waves creeping up the shore.

His next words take my breath away.

“Two people who love each other this much should be together, Isabelle.”

I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know what to think. It was one thing for Alex to tell me how he was feeling; that was hard enough for him, I’m sure. But for him to tell Mark is an entire different story. For him to ask Mark to come out here and talk to me… something big has to be going on.

“I told him… I can’t.” I repeat the same words that have been running through my mind on a constant loop for the past two days.

“Why not?”

As much as I’ve been trying to convince myself that this is over, I haven’t really thought about why until now.

“I’m scared.” The words slip out before I can hold them back, before I can think about what they really mean.

“Why?”

I look down, tracing my initials in the sand.

“Look, I’m not going to be mad at you, Is,” Mark says, reading my mind. “I know what I said to you before, but let’s be honest… you weren’t the one who fucked up first. I know you’ve both done things you regret, but what Alex did with Leven at your birthday… it was unforgivable. And you forgave him anyways, and he did it again. I’m not taking sides, but I’m here for you.” I look over at him. “Just tell me what’s wrong. Tell me why you’re scared.”

“It’s not fair,” I blurt out. Mark sits there quietly, waiting for me to expand. “I’m not Alex. I’m not Leven. I’m fifteen. I haven’t been around the world or hooked up with tons of people or really felt anything for anyone. Until Alex. And he used that to his advantage.” I look down again, resting my forehead on my knees. “He used that to hurt me.”

Mark is quiet for a long time, until I’m starting to think I offended him by insulting his best friend. 

“Look, Isabelle. Here’s what I think.” He takes a deep breath. “I know that you’re scared. I know that you’re hurt. But I know Alex too. I know that he was scared too. He knew this was your first relationship, and he was terrified he was going to fuck it up. He wanted to take care of you more than anything, and he messed up.” Mark pauses. “He loves you more than anyone.”

“Then why did he do what he did?”

“I can’t say.” Mark shakes his head. “I really don’t know.”

“So… now what?”

“What?”

“I mean, everything is over this weekend. Everything ends. He could walk away from me and never look back. And maybe that’s the right thing to do.”

“Maybe.

I look at him. “What do you think?”

Mark’s answer comes immediately, like he was waiting for me to ask that question. “I think that no matter what happens, you need to forget about all that other stuff. Everything with Leven and Jack. All of it. You need to forget about logic and fear and doubt. You need to forget that you’re scared. You just need to do everything you can to get back to the one person who is going to make all of this worth it.” He trails off. “At the end of the day… you just need to jump, Isabelle.”


	31. Red

_Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you_

_Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite tune_

_Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer_

_Regretting him was like wishing you’d never found out that love could be that strong_

_Losing him was blue like I’d never known_

_Missing him was dark gray all alone_

_Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you’d never met_

_But loving him was red_

“At the end of the day, you just need to jump.” Mark’s words ring in my ears for the rest of the day and the day after that, and I continue to think about them, even when I am sitting in the limo on my way to the premiere.

To be honest, I can’t believe it’s finally here. We’ve all been working towards this day for months, and it is by far the biggest day of my career so far. So it makes sense that I am shaking so hard I can barely sit still. Jackie reaches over and grabs my hand tight, squeezing it between hers.

“Relax, Is,” she says, but I know she’s just as nervous as I am. The rest of the girls, sitting across from us, are too. Amandla’s knee is bouncing up and down, something she only does when she is scared or excited or both. Willow is twisting her hands in her lap. Leven has her eyes trained out the window, and she is anxiously twirling a strand of loose blonde hair around her finger. Jen is the only one who seems calm, but I can tell by the way she is worrying her bottom lip that she is a little apprehensive as well.

A week ago, even a few days ago, it might have been weird to have Leven in our limo with us. Things with us had been rough, to say the least. But when Jackie and I were out to lunch yesterday with Jack and Dayo, we spotted Leven.

Jack saw her first. To anyone who didn’t know her, she looked fine. She looked great actually. But we had spent months out in the middle of North Carolina together, and we knew her better than most anyone. So it was easy to tell that something was wrong.

She was with Mark. He was talking earnestly to her, but it didn’t seem like she was listening. It didn’t even seem like she could hear him. Her chin was propped on her hand, and she was looking aimlessly out the window. As we watched, Mark reached out and grabbed her arm, forcing her to look at him.

“What do you think is wrong?” Dayo asked, swirling the ice around in his cup.

Jackie rolled her eyes, leaning forward and lowering her voice. “Isn’t it obvious? She’s lonely.”

At that, all three of them looked at me. “What?” I hissed. “I can’t do anything about it.”

“I’m not saying you should forget what she did, Is.” Jackie flicked my wrist. “I’m not even saying you should forgive her, at least not right away. But we should fix things before tomorrow. We can’t just leave her all alone.”

I knew Jackie was right. It didn’t matter what had happened. It didn’t matter what she had done. We were a family, and families fight, but at the end of the day we had to have each other’s backs. So I stood up, my heart beating faster as I pushed back my chair, and made my way through the maze of mismatched tables over to the window.

“Hey.”

At my greeting, Leven jerked her head up, surprise written all over her face. I could see Mark out of the corner of my eye, a smile playing at the corner of his mouth. I cleared my throat a couple of times. “Do you want to come sit with us?”

I felt like I was in a cliché high school movie, and for one long horrible moment, I thought Leven was going to leave me standing there like an idiot. But finally, she spoke, her voice rough like she had been crying.

“I would love to.”

She leaned over, picking up her bag, and as she did, Mark reached out and touched my arm, winking at me when I made eye contact with him. “Good job, Is,” he mouthed to me, and I knew immediately that Leven had been having a really tough time. Mark followed us over to our table, pulling out my chair and Leven’s before sitting down himself.

“How have you been, Lev?” Dayo asked, always the Switzerland of our group.

Leven shrugged, stirring her coffee with a spoon, tapping it against the side of her cup and setting it in the saucer before she spoke. “I’ve been better,” she replied softly.

Dayo, Jack, Jackie, and I all looked at each other, not sure what to do. Jackie shifted uncomfortable in her seat, and there was an awkward silence stretching out between us. I was about to change the subject when Leven spoke up again. She was looking right at me. “I am so sorry, Is. I didn’t want everything to get so messed up.”

“It’s okay,” I said automatically, reflexively, but she cut me off.

“No, listen.” She picked up her coffee cup, taking a sip and leaving a bright pink lipstick stain on the rim. “I was such an asshole. I wasn’t thinking. And I hurt everyone a lot, especially you.”

Before I knew it, everyone was apologizing. Jackie to Leven, for yelling at her during the cast meeting. Mark, on behalf of Alex. Me to Leven, for starting this whole mess in the first place by hooking up with Alex while she was still technically with him. And in the middle of the coffee shop, one day before the premiere of our movie, we made that first small step towards fixing everything.

Of course, there were still a lot of unresolved issues. Who knew how the rest of the cast was feeling at this point? No one had really addressed the fact that Jack and I had hooked up, if only briefly. And there was obviously still a huge rift between me and Alex, too large to breach at this point, at least in my opinion.

But we were going into the premiere as a family again. Broken and cracked, but still a family.

As we were walking out of the coffee shop, splitting off to go our separate ways, Leven put her arm around my shoulder. It was a big sister gesture, just like it used to be. “I missed you, Izzy.”

“I missed you too, Lev.” I looked around for Jackie, who was standing on the curb whispering heatedly to Jack. In those few seconds, I made a quick decision, sure that the other girls wouldn’t mind. “What are you doing tomorrow? I mean, to get ready and stuff.”

Leven shrugged, stopping and looking at me. “I was just going to get ready at home.”

“Do you want to come over? Jackie will be there, and Amandla and Willow and Jen. And Madeline, to help us get ready. I’m sure everyone would love to have you there.”

Leven smirked, something I had not seen her do in a very long time. “Well, I don’t know about that. But I would love to be there. As long as you’re sure you don’t mind.”

“I’m sure.”

So the next day, after the other girls had already arrived and spread out around my bedroom and bathroom, Leven showed up at the door, garment bag in one hand, makeup in the other, looking slightly nervous. Jen answered the door, and when she saw Leven standing there, she squealed, a loud, piercing shriek that drifted up the stairs toward us.

To be honest, I had been worried. To say that the controversy on set had revolved around Leven and me would be an understatement. I knew that the other girls (and Jack and Dayo for that matter) tried not to take sides, but the truth of the matter was Leven and I had both hurt each other. I hated knowing that I was the one who made everyone fight. True, the shit Leven and Alex pulled at my birthday caused a pretty clear line, but when I looked back over everything, I almost started to think I was the one in the wrong the majority of the time. I hooked up with Alex when he was still with Leven, and I was the one who kissed Jack. In fact, I still had no idea whether Alex and Jack were even talking, and that was clearly my fault.

So it was a big relief to see the other girls jump up when Leven and Jen walked back into my bedroom, running to her and giving the older girl a big hug. Amandla looked especially happy. I knew how much she hated the fact that everyone was fighting, and Leven was more of a big sister to her than any of the rest of us.

The only one who was still slightly frosty towards her was Madeline, and I guessed that could only be expected. To Maddie, it didn’t matter who had done what, who had wronged who. I was her family, and that meant she was on my side no matter what, even if I had been the one to cause the hurt.

But other than that, the afternoon went off without a hitch, and a few hours later, we were all crammed into the limo together, having mini heart attacks as we get closer and closer to the red carpet. Before I can even process what is happening, someone is opening the car door and I am instantly blinded by pops of the camera flashes. Jen gets out first, dragging Amandla and Willow with her, and they are gone before I am even out of the car. I stick close to Jackie and Leven, my heartbeat pounding so hard in my ears that I can barely hear.

This is it, Isabelle.

I take a deep breath and step out onto the red carpet, the biggest smile I can conjure on my face. We did it.

* * * * *

After running the gauntlet of reporters, I am safe inside the theater. I got separated from everyone along the way, and I close my eyes, drawing in a breath and relishing the silence and stillness surrounding me. That silence, however, is quickly broken by a loud shriek, cutting through my thoughts.

“You were amazing!” Madeline is rushing up to me, my parents trailing behind her. Behind her, I can see Jackie, walking through the doors Jack is holding open for her. I only saw Dayo briefly on the red carpet, and none of the other boys even crossed my path.

My mom gives me a hug. “Good job, Is,” she whispers in my ear. Honestly, it’s a relief to have my family here. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve done this, or how many times I’ll do it in the future; it’s nerve-wracking.

Madeline and my dad head over towards Jackie’s family to say hello, and I am left with my mom, who looks like she has something to say.

“Just spit it out, Mom.”

She clears her throat. “Alex is looking for you. He asked me to tell you that.”

I don’t say anything, and I know that my mom immediately guesses what I’m thinking. “Listen, Isabelle,” she says. “I know that you’re getting a lot of advice from a lot of different people. But I am your mother, and I like to think that I know what’s best for you.”

I stare at her, waiting for what I’m sure is to come. She’s going to say I shouldn’t give him the time of day, that I should move on and forget what happened. That I deserve better. So to say that what she tells me is a shock would be a huge understatement.

“There is no weakness in forgiveness, Isabelle.”

I just stare at her.

“What?”

“I know he hurt you. I know you hurt him. But you don’t have to be angry about it for the rest of your life. I want you to experience everything that life has to offer you, because it is so much. So I think that you should forgive him. I think that what you two had was bigger than all of this craziness.”

“Are you seriously telling your fifteen-year-old daughter to go back up with her almost twenty-year-old ex-boyfriend who cheated on her? What have you done with my mom?”

She laughs. “It’s crazy talk, I know. But I know you, dear daughter. And I’ve never seen you as happy as when you were with him.”

At that moment, as if it was meant to be, Alex appears behind her, tall and gorgeous in an inky black suit. My mom slips away, leaving me alone with Alex.

Behind him, I can see the door open, and Josh and Jen appear in a flurry of gold fabric, the doorway behind them lighting up with flashes from cameras and the chaos of the reporters and the screaming fans.

“Hey,” Alex says softly, stepping closer and looking down at me, blocking out the commotion behind him.

It’s just the two of us.

Nowhere to hide.

At the end of the day, you just need to jump.

So I open my mouth, and I jump.


	32. Dear Isabelle

_Sometimes I’m not good with words, but you know that so I wrote this verse_

_In hopes that it would someday reach your ears_

_And I still wonder where you are, but it doesn’t matter cause it’s still too far_

_The lake has never looked so clear_

_Dear Isabelle, been thinkin’ about you_

_Dear Isabelle, so lonely without you_

_I pretended I was doing well_

_But without you, it’s been hell, dear Isabelle_

I am in so far over my head.

To be honest, I was basically in trouble the second I turned around and saw Alexander Ludwig standing there behind me. Actually, I was probably in trouble the second I got the call, the congratulations-you’re-our-Clove call. Because at that moment, my entire life changed.

Before I can even open my mouth to say anything, he cuts me off.

“I know you hate me. You made that clear.” I go to shake my head, but I don’t think he even notices. His words come out in a rush, like he has to say what he is thinking before it gets away from him. “But just hear me out.”

Behind him, I see Jackie punch Jack in the shoulder and point over to us. It looks like she is about to come over towards us, but Jack holds her back. I turn my attention back to Alex, and the words that come out of his mouth completely throw me off.

“I’m kind of scared of llamas,” he says. I just stare at him, waiting for him to figure out where the hell he is going with this. But he seems to know exactly what he is doing. “I can speak Japanese. I got my first kiss in preschool. My favorite Harry Potter character is Dobby. And I am madly in love with you.”

“Alex, what are you—”

“Five things, Isabelle. Those are five things about me that I hope will make it harder for you to hate me.”

It goes without saying that I couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the premiere. When I went through the rest of my interviews, my answers came out, practiced and consistent without a lot of thought on my part. As Jen, Josh, Liam, and Gary introduced the movie, I was listening, but Alex’s little speech was running through my head like I had put it on replay. And while we sat in the dark watching the movie we had worked so hard to make, I couldn’t believe that it was really happening, and I could feel the heat coming off of Alex’s arm, balanced on the armrest next to mine, just inches away. At the party afterwards, I felt almost like he was avoiding me, although it was really impossible to tell because there was so much going on.

And just like that, it was all over.

* * * * *

_Dear Isabelle,_

_“There is no one as kind as you, no one who gave me reasons I understood for doing what at first seemed so hard.” I’m going back home for a while to spend some uninterrupted time with my family, and mostly to see if it will help me forget about you. I couldn’t leave without saying good-bye because I don’t know when I’ll be back. There is no one like you, no one who has changed me like you did. When I get back, I hope that we can be friends. Until then, I hope you get everything you deserve. You are wonderful._

_Alex_

I found it stuck to the outside of my window with a clear piece of tape. How he got it there, when my room is on the second story of our house and nowhere near a tree, is a mystery to me. I sat down on the floor and read it over and over until I had it memorized, until the small square of lined notebook paper was folded and creased, the letters starting to fade.

And now, I am standing here in front of his apartment, looking up at what I know to be his window, wondering why I came here. He isn’t here. He made that obvious in his letter, and all of the lights in the apartment are off. It doesn’t even look like Mark is here.

When I told my mom that I was going on a walk this morning, I didn’t expect to end up here, miles away from my house. But ever since I read Alex’s words for the first time, I haven’t been able to get him off my mind.

“Hey” comes the voice from behind me, and I know without turning around who it is. I don’t, however, know why she’s here.

“Hey,” I sigh, turning around.

“Whatcha doing?” Jackie asks mischievously, rocking back and forth, her long red hair swishing in the long ponytail that dangles between her shoulder blades.

“What are you doing? How did you even know I was here?”

“I just figured. I heard about what happened at the premiere and Alex leaving.” I turn back to the building, fixing my gaze on the window. “Are you okay?” Jackie asks softly from behind me.

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem so fine.”

“I am.”

“Then… why are you here?”

I turn back to her, pulling the note out of my pocket and handing it to her. She takes her time reading it through and I shift uncomfortably. “Well,” she says, handing it back to me. “That’s interesting.” I wait for her to continue, but she doesn’t.

“Why?”

She turns around, unlocking her car, parked next to the curb just a few feet away from us. “Come on, Is.”

We end up at Pinkberry, Jackie’s go-to venue for cheering people up. Two minutes after we sit down at our table, frozen yogurt and napkins spread out on the slightly sticky table in front of us, Jack and Dayo come in the door, glancing around the brightly colored interior until they see us.

Jackie stands up to greet them, giving Jack a longer hug than I normally would have expected, and I realize that in the time I’ve spent caught up in Alexander drama, I’ve missed a lot. I’ve missed everything, in fact, and I suddenly feel horrible for how wrapped up in myself I’ve been.

“Hey, little Fuhr,” Jack says, sitting down next to me and kissing me on the cheek. Dayo grins at me across the table. As soon as they are settled in their chairs, I see Jack glance at Jackie and she nods, almost imperceptibly. “I’ve got something for you.”

I know what it is before he slides it across the table, and the second it is within my reach I grab it, staring at the writing on the front of the envelope.

**Isabelle Fuhrman, c/o Jack Quaid.**

Everything falls away as I turn it over and rip it open. I forget that Jack and Jackie and Dayo are even there as I dig into the words running across the page.

_Dear Isabelle,_

_As soon as I left, I felt like shit for not saying good-bye to you. You were my everything for those months I knew you, and I should have given you a better explanation. You know how I felt about you, and how I still feel. I am in love with you. Always have been, always will be. There is no excuse for how I treated you, no words I can come up with to justify the hurt that I caused you. You deserve the best, and the best is not me._

_We both know that I had girls before you and unfortunately during you as well. And I am deeply sorry for that. Like I said, there’s no excuse. But the truth is I was scared. I wanted to be perfect because that’s what your first relationship should have been like. And when I realized that there was no way I could come anywhere near that, I panicked._

_You should know that what I had with Leven was not the same as what we had, no matter what you might think. I have never been in love before, and I knew immediately, as soon as I laid eyes on you that you were the one for me._

_I don’t know why I am writing this, other than to try to explain myself again and to say that I am sorry for leaving you hanging. I’m sorry for everything._

_I still don’t know when I am planning to come back, but when I do, I want to see you._

_I miss you every minute of every day._

_Alex_

As soon as Jackie sees that I am done reading, she rips it out of my hand, fighting off Jack and Dayo to see which one of them gets to read it first. She holds it out of their reach over her head, scanning the words as fast as she can, which isn’t very fast considering how horrible Alex’s handwriting is.

She shakes her head, finally letting Dayo grab the paper from her. “Holy shit.”

I look up at her, putting my spoon down and pushing my paper cup away from me. “Just say it, Jackie.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Too bad.”

She glances at Dayo and Jack, who are still reading. “This entire thing has been so back and forth. I can barely even keep up with it anymore.” I open my mouth, and she hurries to continue. “And that’s not your fault at all. It’s just how it happened.” She grabs the letter from Dayo who starts to protest. “But this…” She waves it in the air. “This is really something. He really believes in you, Is. He believes in your relationship, nonexistent at this point or not. And if he really believes in it that strongly, then it should prove to you how much he’s changed. We both know Alex pretty well, and we both know that he’s basically the most laidback person on the face of this planet. But he’s really trying.” She hands the letter back to me. “He really believes, Is.”

“So what should I do?”

Jackie shrugs, licking her spoon clean. “Do you believe too?”

I think about that for a moment before realizing that I don’t really have to think about it. “Yes.”

“Then you shouldn’t give up on him. And you shouldn’t let him give up on you.”

“She’s right, Izzy,” Dayo says.

Jack joins in too. “You two have been through too much… way too much… to just let go now. He made the first gesture by saying what he said at the premiere, and now it’s your turn.”

“And I repeat… so what should I do?”

Their words swirl around me as I look down at the letter in my lap and close my eyes, racking my brains for the solution.

“Go to Vancouver!”

“Are you nuts?” I hear the sound of Jackie hitting Jack in the arm. “She can’t just up and fly to Canada.”

“Well, why not? It’s definitely big enough.”

“And what do you think her mom would say to that?”

“Didn’t you read the letter?” Dayo pipes up. “He said he needs time away to forget about her.”

“He doesn’t really mean that, you dummy. Why don’t you stick to the things you know best and let me work my magic?”

“Well, how do you know what he wants? If I recall, the two of you never really got along.”

“Only because I was looking out for Isabelle! It doesn’t mean I don’t care about him too.”

“Jack is right,” I murmur, trying to ignore the fight breaking out around me. As far as ideas go, it might just be crazy enough to work. I look up at my three best friends bickering across the table in front of me and raise my voice. “Hey!” They stop fighting and look over at me. “Jack is right.”

“What do you mean, Jack is right? Isabelle, you can’t just hop on a plane.”

“Why not?”

“Why not? It’s… it’s crazy. What are you going to do when you get there? How are you going to find him? What are you going to tell your parents and Madeline?”

“I don’t know.” I stand up, grabbing my bag off the ground and swinging it over my shoulder. “I’ll figure it out on the way, I guess.” I turn around, heading towards the glass doors and pushing them open, stepping out onto the sidewalk. It is only a few seconds before I hear the three of them behind me.

Jackie reaches out and grabs my arm, spinning me around towards her. “Okay, Isabelle. If you’re really doing this…” She glances at the boys on either side of her. “If you’re really doing this, we’re doing it with you.”

* * * * *

In retrospect, I probably should have at least texted my parents.

After Jackie drove me home, she went back to her house to pack, taking Dayo and Jack with her. I told my parents I was still exhausted, that I was going to bed early, and after all the lights in the house flicked off and my family settled into sleep, I crept down the stairs as quiet as I could and out into Jackie’s car, waiting at the curb.

“You sure about this?”

“One hundred percent.”

We make it to LAX just in time to catch the redeye to Vancouver. It isn’t until we are sitting on the plane, Jack and Dayo snoring across the aisle, that I realize what I am really doing. I had snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I had racked up a two thousand dollar credit card bill. I was flying to another country just to get back a guy I had lost a long time ago.

This had better be worth it.

I don’t have any missed calls when we land which means that my parents still don’t know I am gone, and I definitely don’t look forward to explaining to them what is going on. I left them a note, but it was vague and elusive, and I know they are going to freak out.

By the time we are on the curb outside Vancouver International Airport, the sun is just starting to come up over the water in the distance, sparkling off the white caps. My heart beats faster just knowing that I am in the same city as Alex, that I am about to put everything on the line without knowing how it will turn out.

“So…” Dayo puts down his bag on the sidewalk, looking around at the empty street in front of us. “Now what?”

“I called for a taxi,” Jackie says. “Thank God you have me.”

It pulls up in front of us a few minutes later, and Jack and Dayo put our bags in the back, letting the two of us slide in first. I rest my head against the window as Jackie tells the driver where to go, and as we pull away from the curb, she grips my hand tightly.

“Just for the record, I think you’re doing the right thing,” she says softly, trying not to wake up the boys who fell asleep as soon as the car started moving.

“What if it doesn’t turn out the way I want?”

“Then you have us.” She smiles at me, her eyes tired and red. I am overcome with a rush of gratitude for my best friend. “But I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

* * * * *

We pull up outside a tree-lined driveway, a modest home nestled in the woods at the end of the long stretch of pavement, and before I know what is happening, Jackie is pulling me out of the car out into the chilly early morning air. “This is it,” she says, and for a couple of minutes we just stand there, staring at the Ludwig’s house.

“Are you ready?” Dayo asks softly from my other side, slipping his arm around my shoulder.

“No.”

A few more moments pass before Jackie speaks up. “Are you ready now?”

I take a deep breath, closing my eyes and letting all the best memories of our summer in North Carolina flash in my mind. “Yes.”

Jackie leaves the boys with the bags and grabs my hand, leading me closer and closer to the house. With every step I take, my heart starts beating faster until it is all I can focus on, and I am lucky that I have Jackie guiding me up the driveway, otherwise I might just pass out.

We are standing in front of the big oak paneled door, Jackie’s hand poised over the doorbell when he comes up behind us.

“What the hell are you guys doing here?”

Jackie lets out a shriek that pierces through the air, startling birds from the trees and basically splitting my eardrum in half. “Jesus, Alex!” She bends over, putting her hands on her knees and taking a few deep breaths. “Didn’t your mother teach you not to sneak up on people?”

At that moment, the front door swings open and I feel like I am dying.

“Is everything okay?” Alex’s brother stands in the opening, looking around confusedly. Before long, the entire Ludwig family is congregated in the doorway, and after a few moments of awkward silence, Mrs. Ludwig smiles, clapping her hands together excitedly.

“It’s so nice to see all of you!”

It goes without saying that she is officially the most hospitable person in the world, since she doesn’t even ask what the hell we are all doing at her house, at seven in the morning, a country away from where we are a few hours ago. She gestures everyone inside. “Come on, come on, let’s get you all out of the cold.”

Jack and Dayo push past us gratefully into the warmth of the house. Jackie follows, urging me with her eyes to get a move on.

“We’ll be in in a second, Ma,” Alex says, already two steps ahead of me. Nick grins mischievously, slamming the door shut and leaving me outside, face to face with Alex. No more lies, no more games. Just us.

“What are you doing here?” Alex repeats, but he doesn’t sound angry, just confused, an emotion I am very well acquainted with at this point.

“I…” I look down, but then I can feel Alex’s hand warm underneath my chin, nudging my head up so that I have to meet his eyes.

It was those eyes of his. Blue. Not dark, not bright, but light. Clear. Icy. As if they could see right through me, piercing through the layers and right to the core of who I really am. Right down to my deepest desires, my hopes and dreams, everything I’ve ever wanted. Which is unfortunate, because as he stands here, looking at me, I’m sure he can tell that what I want most is him.

Alex’s words slide through my head like ribbon.

“I am madly in love with you.”

“Five things, Isabelle. Those are five things about me that I hope will make it harder for you to hate me.”

And then I can hear Mark too, the words that have been running through my head for the past few days, over and over, telling me what I have to do.

“At the end of the day, Isabelle… you just have to jump.”

And as I’m standing there, looking into Alex’s eyes, I know that there is only one thing left to do.

So I take a few steps forward and reach up to hook my arm around his neck, pulling him down to my height, and I kiss him for the first time in what feels like forever. I feel his hands come up to brush the sides of my neck before they settle against my jaw, and he pulls me as close as he can, his mouth moving over mine and the world standing still around us.

Alex pulls back for a second, resting his forehead against mine. “Belle.”

“Yeah?” I close my eyes, breathing him in.

“Can we start over?”

I smile up at him, tightening my grip around him. I don’t ever want to let him go. “Yes. I’d like that.”


	33. Little Things

_It’s you they add up to_

_I’m in love with you_

_And all these little things_

I got to watch my best friends fall in love.

I knew it was going to happen the moment I saw Alex and Is meet for the first time. In fact, we all knew – they were the only ones who didn’t seem to have a clue. So when they got together the first time, we were all ecstatic.

As Alex’s best friend and the third member of the Wolf Pack (also known as Alex, Dayo, and myself), it was difficult to know what to do when Alex cheated on Izzy. We didn’t want to betray our best friend, but as Isabelle’s self-proclaimed big brother, Dayo and I felt like we couldn’t just stand by and watch her get hurt.

We didn’t want to choose a side, but the situation forced it. And we choose Isabelle.

So when Alex and Is made up that morning at his family’s house in Vancouver, it was like a reunion for all of us. Everything had gone back to normal.

Except, as it turns out, nothing was ever normal again.

* * * * * 

I knew who Isabelle was the second I saw her sitting on the plane I was catching in Chicago. The second I had landed the part of Foxface, I looked up the rest of the cast just to see if there was anyone I knew, and I had the customary reaction to Isabelle – I had seen her in Orphan, and she had scared the shit out of me.

I cleared my throat as I stood in the aisle, a line of people gathering impatiently behind me. She looks up at me, and I suddenly feel awkward. “May I?”

“Of course!” Isabelle smiles up at me, and I slide into the seat next to her.

The plane ride from Chicago to North Carolina was long enough for us to completely bond. And I felt a lot better walking into a roomful of famous people with Isabelle by my side. But as soon as I saw her run into Alex, I knew it was all over for me.

I was right next to her the entire time, when she was with Alex and when she wasn’t, when she was happy and when she was hurt. And she was there for me through everything.

Even so, it’s still crazy that I am standing next to her, here, now, as her future unfolds in front of us.

* * * * * 

I, Isabelle, take you, Alex, to be my lawfully wedded husband, my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

* * * * *

I loved Isabelle from the second I met her. I didn’t know it for a while. And then I wasn’t sure about it for a while. And then I realized how scared I was. But when I opened the door and saw Isabelle standing there in the cold Vancouver air, I wasn’t surprised.

Because no matter what happened, we always came back to each other in the end.

* * * * *

I, Alex, take you, dear Isabelle, to be my lawfully wedded wife, my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: I can’t believe this is actually over. When I started it, I was really nervous for anyone to read it and there a lot of parts that I am not entirely happy with. But you all have been so amazing and encouraging, and I am so happy I got to share this with all of you. I hope y’all will stick around and read Casually Cruel, because I am beyond excited for it and I hope you will be too. And of course, special thanks to my baby sister, Hannah, who motivated me and encouraged me and was always there when I needed to talk. I love you!


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